OK, new beginnings, new thread, it WAS right to serve divorce papers!

[Wisedupwoman]

I asked the question - Am I right to serve the divorce papers on my chameleon-like but definitely cheating, lying, cruel and manipulative STBXH. You all said "YES". So I have. The story continues.........

Thank you all for your quick and heartfelt posts. Saff and Annie you're on the mark as always. Minesa, I will PM you. Alldownhill, thank you, I'm trying to get through the day as best I can.

I have seen my GP and have some AD's and something to help me sleep if I need it. I have tried to get some sleep but can't at the moment.

When DD sees him tonight he's going to tell her he has moved in with the OW. I know this because he has finally changed his address with the banks. She already knows this and is prepared. It is all so transparent - the waiting until the divorce is through before going public, except none of us here were believing anything else but what we know is the truth. I guess that's the honesty he's been waiting to give me - but he'll do it through DD - the coward's way of doing honesty, get your DD to deliver the news.

It's all true what you say. I took more responsbility for him than he ever did for himself although somehow it didn't look or feel that way, so clever was he and so gullible was I.

So now he is openly embarking on playing happy families with his NP and her DC's. I say playing because he has already shunned his responsibilities to his real family and I don't believe for a second that he will step up to the mark with the new one - why should he, she has her own house and career. And he clearly will have a speech prepared for DD about "you are still my DD, I don't love you any the less, I will still see you as much as I can, perhaps in the future you can all meet, they're lovely" etc etc ad nauseum. Whether or not he'll get to say that will be up to DD - that's the bit she can't forgive. How quickly she has been replaced and the loss she feels in her own right. She'll never forget that.

My tears are for myself, not for him, not all of them any way. The ones for him are those for the hurt and pain he has brought into my life and left me with. But for him, no.

It will have been important for him to replace me publicly before we are supposed to meet next week in mediation. That way he can add a bounce to his step and not appear weak. Well, so be it, there's nothing I can do about that except hold my head up and hold tightly on to what dignity I have left.

Thanks all.
Wisey.

He can bounce into mediation next week like Tigger on acid, but you'll know that it's all a facade - you can read him like a book.

You have dignity you have grace and you have integrity. He has none of these things. You can look at yourself in the mirror every morning and hold your head up high - you have a wonderful daughter who can also read him like a book, and a new career ahead of you. You have done nothing wrong.

He has a load of crap ahead of him, so now he's trying to muster up a lovely new life, so he doesn't look the sad loser he is. Emperor's new clothes springs to mind.....

Hope the ADs kick in soon, keep posting hun xx

How am I so sure btw that it will be the purpose of his visit with DD? (and now I've just spoken to eldest DS and PTM has arranged to see him later too)

because looking back that's exactly the pattern of our going public. He 'lived' with me but kept his own address (I was never an OW) until legally I could move him in with me. I have just spoken to DS and told him that if he still wants to tell PTM to fuck off, now is as good a time as any. That's when he said "funny you should say that, PTM has rung me and arranged to see me too this evening". So he is going to tell PTM where to go in his own way and go no contact from now on.

Annie, those rose tinted glasses, well, I hope the new ms PTM (who is an ardent feminist, or was) has them glued firmly to her face, because she's going to need them sooner or later.

Mine, well, I have binned them for once and for all. No more excuses, no more understanding, no more protection other than the protection I need from any more hurt.

Tigger on acid. That's actually really funny Saff, thank you.

Aye, what she said. He may have a new life, he may have a new bit of arm candy (or two), he may have borrowed someone else's children, but he's still the old him. Entitled prick, remember, with days of the week socks and a bunch of soon-to-be-ex colleagues he's trampled over once too often. (And don't forget the hankies!)

Just curious are her kids younger? I just wondered if its even more trying to regain youth, I must look younger being with younger kids. I'm too young to have grown up ones.

Well done for going to the GP. Even when you are down you are stronger than him, you do the right thing!

Younger and older I think, two DS's one younger than DD and one about same age. Two older ones too.

he may have borrowed someone else's children, yes a fake family to go with the fake integrity and the fake sincerity.

And what's worst of all is that these kids will have been charmed and made to feel really special, without knowing that since the time new ms PTM introduced them to each other he has been lying to and hurting his own DD.

I will never forgive him. Never.

Hope you start to feel better with the help from the GP. Sometimes even going to the GP can make you feel better in yourself because you don?t have the full force of the stress anymore.

It sounds absolutely on the mark when you say his moves are so transparent. Its like he?s ticking the boxes so his new life mirrors his daily habits ?all done by the book so he can move on.

Reading your post, my heart goes out to your DD. When you started your threads, you wrote of her accomplishments (sport/academic/head of school etc) and she sounded like the child everyone would want. To have come through all these months and realise that for all his promises, he has left her. What kind of parent actually does that to their DD when the world is her oyster? He should have been moving heaven and earth for her future. For that action alone he is the lowest of the low.

Your DS is revving up for an interesting encounter and he even may relish it. It made me think of the TV programme ?The Thick of It?. He needs to follow in the footsteps of the Malcolm Tucker school of swearing. I think the scriptwriters had a swearing consultant (one of my favourites is: Please could you take this note, ram it up his hairy inbox and pin it to his fucking prostate).

So OW is an ardent feminist (allegedly!). Perhaps she?s as full of shit as he is and they are a good match for one another. I recently asked one of my DNs whether the parent who had walked out on them and screwed up their formative years had ever told their new partner about their past. Her answer? Of course not, the new partner has only been fed a sanitised version of the story.

You wonder if these new partners work out that there are gaps in the narrative. Like what happened to the relationships with aunts and uncles, cousins and grandparents who had previously played an enormous part in their upbringing. And overnight, that was gone. Was the wife/husband that was dumped really that awful or did the new partner have a part to play in the breakdown? Or do these people never ask? The truth might put a bomb under the new relationship and they are so desperate, they don?t really want to know. All that matters to them is the fact that they have someone on their arm.

But then, I?m an old cynic!!

You know PTM so well and that probably makes watching his actions all the more galling. You can read him like a book. But his book is shabby and well-thumbed. He?d be lucky to get 99p for it on EBay.

Alldownhill - not even 99p on ebay - the sort of book you'd see left in tatters on a train, and remove with the tips of thumb and finger and throw in the bin...what you say about the kids really resonates with me. I look at my kids, my wonderful kids, and think, how the hell could he. But he did. And for that I will never forgive him. And I know that at least two of them won't either.

I'd love Lycra man to bump into my eldest lad - he's a good four inches taller, and built like the proverbial brick outhouse. And he'd wipe the floor with him, physically and verbally. But ES deleted him from his phone, and his life the minute he walked out, he just doesn't exist for him anymore. My daughters are ok - they have minimum contact, they call him the biggest prat walking between themselves though, there is no respect there at all. They treat him like a cross between a walking cash point and a taxi. Only one who has regular contact is youngest, and he isn't bothering to keep in touch with his dad as much as he did - doing loads with friends and more with his siblings and me.

Your kids will be fine Wisey - they've got the measure of him, like you have, and like we have. And like everyone else has probably - true colours and all that. Sounds to me that eventually everyone sees through him one way or another. Let OW have him, they deserve each other. No true feminist would take part in the destruction of a family.

The kids in the new family, yes. Annie's brilliant and inspired post in the previous (I think) thread comes to mind.

He will 'love them' only because they will love him, and for the reflection of himself he sees in their eyes.

As for his own DD, I don't think the full impact of her D's behaviour will hit her until she begins to have adult relationships herself. Then she'll look back and really understand what a bastard father she had when she needed him to do the right thing instead of what he wanted to do.

But she will also know that she has a DM who has behaved with dignity, love and compassion. Its that stability, that selflessness, that whole mix of being a Mum which will stay with her.

Your relationship has survived this, despite his best efforts to detroy it.

That closeness is more than PTM will experience in a thousand lifetimes.

destroy

Hi Wisey, I'm sorry to see you are down again and everyone has said wise and wonderful things that I completely echo.

i used to get through these times by remembering that its the emotions that make us decent human beings and, although we don't always like them and know how to deal with them...they are really important to our humanity.

These lows do get further apart and easier to manage and I honestly think you have got over the worst of it.

As some one else said..you are coming down from the adrenalin drive you've been on as part of coping. Its a sign that you are actually healing that your body is stepping down a bit.

Your children are ace

And so are you all Migrating.

My DS has had it out with PTM. Something along the lines of:

"You were a good father figure to me when I was growing up but you have turned out to be a liar, a cheat and an unfaithful and cruel H to my DM and to me and your DD. For those reasons I want nothing more to do with you. I know where you've been all these months you liar."

To which a flabbergasted and wrong-footed (and why not, it's where I've been for years) PTM kept asking how do you know, how does DM know, what's going on......

DS wouldn't tell him anything and just repeated himself over and over.
DS reckons it's not over yet.

It is as far as I'm concerned.

Your DS has played a stormer and PTM is still playing the victim.

He's addicted to the drama as long as he is controlling it. Without that, he's nothing and has no-one to blame.

He seems to have you down as a naïve.

Wrong.

And DD has got back from her time with him.

She said there was a childs car seat in the back of the car. It made her feel sick but PTM didn't mention it. She told him not to ask anything about me, nor did she want to hear about OW.
But he couldn't resist. And asked her sneaky questions which DD saw straight through:
So is your DM still working at X? (can I weasal my way out of any financial commitments)
Have you started cooking for yourself yet? (is DM being a proper mum)
is your DM wanting to sell or stay put? (how can I make it hard for her)
is that what you want? (can I shoehorn myself in between you and divide you again)

etc etc

DD batted them back beautifully, she knew exactly what he was doing.
then he told her that our joint friend had texted him today and said "how you doing, btw you're not invited to my birthday party".
I guess all that counts as a bad day in ptm-land.

Game, set and match to DS then! Be proud of him Wisey, he's a real man, not a pathetic excuse of one.

Of course PTM is spluttering and wondering how on earth he knew the real deal: because DS takes after his mum, and can see through the stupid facade that PTM has built around him. You wait hun, his stupid little dream house of cards is starting to crumble.

Detach from him. Love and be loved by your kids. Lean on us. You'll get through this.

And remember, you can still back out of mediation and insist that you do one initial session alone. It's the law. It doesn't have to go to court if you do this, it means that your sol and PTM's sol do a voluntary disclosure (this is what I'm doing). Know I've bored you to tears with this - but if you're really worried about seeing PTM next week, then don't. Let the sols. sort it.

What a dick having the car seat there in full view. Even more so that he did not respect her wishes and continued to explore his agenda with her.

Although I suppose its better that your DD sees all of this and has time to deal with it.

At least you now know where he's at with everything and he's getting very little back about you. Of course, these people often make up the answers anyway. You might find that is what is happening. He may be plugging the gaps himself so as not to look a complete fool in front of his new owner.

What Saffy says - detatch from him . You know the truth and that will never change.

Yes, I did get the truth in the end. He didn't fight to stay because he had been working on the new family for months. He did write the anonymous letter himself then watched my pain, he spent our money on her, he was abusive to me, he involved our DD in his sordid secrets, he did it all and more that i'll never know about but I don't need to now. He's gone.

But my family want to stay with me, they want no part of his life.

And now it's all out there I can put my life back together and move on.

For today, and every day you've been there cheering and waving me on, I owe you such a debt of gratitude.

Tomorrow will be a better day than today

Hang in there wisey.

Am still shocked by PTM's low-life behaviour towards you and the kids, and that even when confronted by DS his response was not to apologise to DS but rather to ask how he knew X, Y and Z and act the victim. Disgraceful. Writing that letter? How fucked up is that?

As for OW, well, good luck to her. You are all well shot of him. Toxic.

The others have given lots of advice on handling the grieving process. A quote comes to mind (Winston Churchill I think - his bulldog style may be appropriate in this instance): "If you're going through hell, keep going".

Please don't be self-critical. You have your integrity, honesty, wit and all your love and skills as a good parent, not to mention fab kids, a good career, good shoes and friends and family who care about you to help you as you move to the next stage of your life.

Nor do you have to name-change or always be positive/witty on MN - we are all here for you, however you are feeling and whatever you do.

In a year's time you will feel very differently.

And do NOT slow down the divorce, especially not the financial stuff! To be free of PTM and carve out your future you need to have the practical stuff sorted. Until it is, PTM will use it as a way to hurt you (and DD).

Yes, yes, detach!

I think seeing PTM (once) may actually be a useful (though painful) thing, and the advantage with mediation is that there is a third party there. It could also help progress the divorce (box-ticked, being constructive etc).

But the key thing is the financial disclosure.

Morning Wisey, how are you today hun?

new - fuck you PTM- shoes that's got to be a good thing Dozer!
I feel better rested this morning, thanks, Saff, didn't sleep a whole lot but it wasn't a tortured night. Start 20mg Cit today. Won't go to work today though as I've had them before and they make me feel icky for a while.

The financial disclosure is key, and PTM will have been searching our trusts job site to see if anything I could apply for has come up - and some have, hence his asking DD where I'm working. (see, I do know him, inside out despite of all the smoke and mirrors).

Of course when it comes to it I will be honest, but at the moment I'm still working at the same place. I know PTM's plan is to hang it out for as long as possible until he can move his job - if he doesnt get severely reprimanded and have to leave in shame first. The rumours are at work are rife about him.

My DS phoned me last night. It turns out he met with PTM to tell him face-to-face what he'd said on the phone. My DS was crying because he has had to do what I did and finish this relationship, he simply felt it was the only thing left to do. What a sad and sorry mess but it is coming to an end, PTM's illusion of power has faded for me and i'm not scared of him any more.

When he asked DD what she wanted to do about staying put or moving, she said look D I would like to stay in my home forever but it's up to DM, I will go with her because it's her decision as my parent. She is 15. Can you believe it?

So we plan to go shopping this weekend and bash the plastic a bit. I think we both deserve something treaty

Aren't kids wonderful? I know how much teenagers get derided in the press and society, but I've got four and they have been a fantastic support to me, as I know yours have been to you. I'm so proud of your kids too Wisey! Bless them.

Yes, Citalopram can make you feel a bit icky, we often advise breaking them in half for a couple of days and just taking 10mg to start with so they are better tolerated. Also better with food.

I wouldn't worry too much about your future job, I'm interested in the bit on the E form (which is the sworn affidavit after all) which says about "do you plan to co-habit in the next six months?) What on earth will PTM put there?? Ha Ha. "Er, well, I am sort of co-habiting now, and have been for er, er...but er well, yes, I suppose OW might boot me out and I might be co-habiting again, er...."! He's really backed himself into a corner.

Mediation, solicitors or courts - you have to be honest, I'm doing it through sols and it's the same disclosure, the same form. He can't be other than honest, and it'll hit him like a ton of bricks.

Like the idea of flexing the plastic at the weekend - do you all good.

Catch up later X