OK, new beginnings, new thread, it WAS right to serve divorce papers!

[Wisedupwoman]

I asked the question - Am I right to serve the divorce papers on my chameleon-like but definitely cheating, lying, cruel and manipulative STBXH. You all said "YES". So I have. The story continues.........

LOL!

Know what? I have moments of self pity too. But they're not getting worse, they're passing just as quickly as they come.

As for the honesty thing, well I had to smile at that one. What an irony. Can't wait to point out to him that his honesty is no longer important to me, he can lie til he's blue in the face if he wants - I have the statutory and legal system to do the work I need and ptm's input is neither here nor there in that respect.

Sad fucker.

Any way on to more interesting things, I didn't say this before but I'm a singer locally. And tonight i've been to a beach party and got offered two small gigs, one of them on New Years Eve! Woohoo! (that's a yes btw).

"I'm going to be 100% honest with her from now on".

And I bet that's a lie too....how does he know what honesty looks like???

Exactly Migrating.

Whatever, I don't feel owed anything, most of all honesty from PTM. It just doesn't matter any more.

There are no, absolutely no, sticks with which he can beat me now, what will be will be. And I can't tell you what a sense of inner calm I get from that knowledge.

Not only too late, but not true. Some people don't even know what the truth is, let alone how to tell it.

Er, or what everyone else already said

I know that feeling of inner calm too Wisey, and it's wonderful. Refusing to engage in Lycra Man's world in any way, other than through my solicitor has done so much for my peace of mind. I'd forgotten over the last few years what being at peace with myself was. It's great.

And well done on the gig! Let's compile you a song list; Open with "I will survive", then "All Cried out"....

"Cry Me A River", and "I Need A Little Time" are good 'uns too.

"The freedom that you wanted bad
Is yours forever, I hope you're glad,
Sad into unsad..."

Er, but you'd need someone to duet that one with. Another

Love the news about your gigs! What a fantastic step forward.

What's your style? Blues, folk, classical, pop?

How about Cee Lo Green 'F**k You!' I pity the fool that falls in love with you

A bit of all that Alldownhill!

Used to sing "Cry me a river"! Could definitely resurrect it though!

Love the "I need a little time". I duet with a guitar player. We could sing it ironically -he'd be more than happy to.

I sing a bit of Billie Holliday - she really did the "my man's a bastard" very well.

Do love Gillian Welch and David Rawlings - apalachian harmonies with a contemporary twist.

But what about this one, by Neil Young?
'A man needs a maid'

My life is changing
in so many ways
I don't know who
to trust anymore
There's a shadow running
thru my days
Like a beggar going
from door to door.

I was thinking that
maybe I'd get a maid
Find a place nearby
for her to stay.
Just someone
to keep my house clean,
Fix my meals and go away.

A maid. A man needs a maid.

It's hard to make that change
When life and love
turns strange.
And old.

To give a love,
you gotta live a love.
To live a love,
you gotta be "part of"
When will I see you again?

A while ago somewhere
I don't know when
I was watching
a movie with a friend.
I fell in love with the actress.
She was playing a part
that I could understand.

A maid. A man needs a maid.
A maid.

When will I see you again?

Very apt, I think.

Ah, Neil Young.

Great lyrics... memories of summers gone by many years ago.

Well, having thought about it for the last couple of days, at least I know ptm isn't under an illusion that I'm crying into my cardigan about him.

Im back from my journeys and so glad to see that all is going well for everyone.

Keep strong. xx

well....everyone except PTM

DD just said her D is coming to see her tues. she asked if it's ok to ask him if it will be just her and him (not OW too). I said to ask what feels right. So she did. then she said I think he knows I know. he said yes. just. you. and. me.

I asked her not to tell him i've had a bit of a day of it. just to tell him Wisey's absolutely fine if he asks questions.

It's entirely possible of course that he's discovered we are divorced.

I was going to name-change because I am so ashamed.
I have crashed.

Sometime between last week and now I ran out of the will to keep going. I have never felt so unhappy and alone. I look awful and I can't sleep and I can't stop crying. I am not going in to work today just cannot face people. In truth I just want to give up, tell him to come back and take over while I I go. I feel trapped.

It's been so hard to keep going, stay positive and look to a better future but I don't see one. this is so hard on DD to see me so low she doesn't know what to do for the best and I feel desperately guilty for this too. She can't understand how it is that she is happier without her D because he had stopped giving to our family and yet I'm not. But she still has something of him, while I am shedding everything we shared. She says it would have been different if there hadn't been an OW, she would want more of him than she now does.

I think it's time I went to my GP to get some AD's. I know I am depressed and this frightens me. I went for the divorce so quickly and it came through so fast, before I am ready to really accept it. I won't apply for the absolute until I am really over this.

She says don't give anything else to him, not your tears or your sadness, he's an idiot. I understand why she says that. I know that if I were to pick up the phone or write to him, he wouldn't ignore me. He would talk to me if I wanted him to if only out of a sense of obligation. When people die suddenly you don't get that chance to say things to them, say goodbye, settle old hurts.

I really don't believe the OW is the cause of the end of our marriage. Nor do I think it was just the marriage he ran away from. I think he has taken with him whatever troubles him so badly, you can't leave behind what ails you, you take it with you wherever you go. That's why I feel so trapped too. Staying here and keeping strong for DD and DS's or running away from them won't be the solution to how fucked up I am. So I feel some affinity with him.

I don't know what I want or expect from sharing this. I just know that the anger is gone for now and what's left is despair.

Do go to your GP. Get ADs, for now and get yourself some counselling. However I suspect part of it may be hormonal, you have been angry and must have had adrenaline etc. flowing, now that has stopped you are crashing.

good luck!

Don't be too hard on yourself.

You haven't shredded anything love, nothing at all. You know, in your rational moments, that he has caused all of this. You've had to react to the fallout and it's shit.

What you are going through now is a stage, it's like the bereavement process, you get angry, (I was furious with sis for dying before my big birthday - how dare she). Then I was in despair because she wasn't there. I liken what you feel to how I feel about her. Luckily, I work with counsellors and I know that all the feelings I have, the anger, the despair, the loneliness, the sheer unbelievability of it all, is all natural, and part of grieving.

You're grieving. Sometimes (today and for the last few days) you've hit rock bottom. It's all too much and you want it to go away, to it never to have happened.

Go with the flow Wisey - but you know this will pass. Because you know your ex better than he knows himself, you also can see the huge mistake he's made. I can also see this with my ex. But we have to let go, and put ourselves first. And it is hard. Because we've been the one for so many years to protect them, and nuture them and now we have to step back.

You say that he would talk if you wanted to. You also know that it wouldn't help anything. It would just make your recovery slower.

Go see the GP if you think it will help. (Sticks mental health nurse hat on) it may well help you to get an AD - Citalopram is good - a low dose, say 20mg, will help you to detach from your emotions a little, without dulling your ability to carry on with the day to day stuff. They don't cure everything, but it's like a little bit of buffer between the reality of it all and the pain that reality causes.

Of course you can slow down the divorce process, you're in charge. But if I can advise you at all, I would say take a few days out, indulge your feelings, keep posting on here and better people than me will be along soon to help you, and think about yourself. If you get ADs, then they'll take a couple of weeks to kick in, so use that time to lie low, don't make any decisions about contacting him, and stick the divorce on the back burner for a week or two.

You're only human love, and this is all natural.

This too, will pass.

Hugs xx

Hey, don't feel ashamed because your feelings flooded in on you. You can't help how you feel, and as Saffy says, it's legitimate and expected in this situation. Your DD is lovely and she's right rationally, as you know; but emotionally there's no right or wrong, there's only what you feel. Your ex may not deserve tears shed on his behalf, but you deserve to shed tears for yourself. You're saying goodbye not only to PTM, dubious loss that that is, but of a quarter century of marital status that was quite fundamental to your self-image - marriedness, part-of-a-coupleness, joint parenthood, future comfortable retirement; the past you experienced, the future you expected. Massive change. It hurts, of course it bloody hurts, but that doesn't mean it wasn't the right thing to do. If you had not gone for divorce there would have been pain too, a horrible ongoing grinding pain, and he still wouldn't have been with you, he'd have been with one or another of his shags, probably in body and definitely in spirit, insofar as he has one. The pain must be gone through, by you, who did nothing wrong, just because he couldn't keep it zipped.

One thing that Saffy said I would take issue with. "Because you know your ex better than he knows himself, you also can see the huge mistake he's made." Yes, you knew your exes, but you didn't look at them clearly, you kept making excuses for the buggers in your own mind as well as to the DCs and others. You let them off the hook, you made up reasons why their behaviour wasn't so bad, you felt sorry for the entitled pricks.

Make no mistake, the reason why neither of them is at home in the bosom of their families, having their whims catered to and their fevered brows soothed by someone who's made a lifetime study of their every mood, is because they wanted more and didn't see why they shouldn't have it. Yes, they've got their demons, yes, you can feel a wee bit sorry for them that wherever they go they will always take their own selves, but don't excuse the cheaty fellows on the grounds that they were "running away from their demons". They were just helping themselves, because what they wanted was more important than how their wives might feel about it. If they ran away from anything, that thing was responsibility. And guess who had to pick it all up behind them? Muggins.

No wonder you feel knackered and put-upon. You bloody are.

Well said Annie! You're absolutely right about them running away from their responsibilities. And you're right about me at least making excuses for my ex. I could get a bloody PHD in that! I guess what I meant was about how I know he's going to end up regretting everything, but only he can do that, and live with those regrets. And I know him well enough to know that he will not be happy in the future. I just know it.

Wisey - can you see how many of us have responded so quickly to your post? We really care and want to help you. You are a strong inspirational woman - and we're here for you every step of the way.

Oh Wisey

What everyone has said is from the heart and its all so true. Don't feel bad about going through this; its part of it and hellish to live through.

I can't stop at the moment but I am thinking of you and wish you some contentment through this. Just get through today, then worry about tomorrow. Don't give him the time of day; he's robbed you of so much emotionally that you are worn out. Be kind to yourself and you will find that those who care about you will replace that love and you will start to feel yourself again. But there is no rush. In your own time.

xx

Stop me if I've said this before, but in that horrible time when I was still living with XH on the run-up to our divorce I asked him how he expected his life would have gone if he hadn't met me. Can't remember his reply word for word but he suggested a few options, all of which involved him moving in with women he knew who had their own houses and incomes. Not a word about what he would have done with his own life, what career he would have chosen to pursue, how he might have kept himself and any dependents. All about who would have taken responsibility off him. If only we'd had that conversation 25 years earlier... actually I wouldn't have been listening. I'd have said something bracing like "no, you'd have been working at this and that" and he'd have agreed for a quiet life, and I'd have been satisfied with that (after a little wibble about whether he would have been happier with one of those other women). Heaven knows I was able to tell myself for years he was just insecure, depressed, a bit silly - until my brother posted a link on emotional abuse and I realised XH ticked every box. And that is why I feel qualified to tell you off for looking at your men with those ubiquitous rose-tinted spectacles.