OK, new beginnings, new thread, it WAS right to serve divorce papers!

[Wisedupwoman]

I asked the question - Am I right to serve the divorce papers on my chameleon-like but definitely cheating, lying, cruel and manipulative STBXH. You all said "YES". So I have. The story continues.........

Things with PTM are, well, silent (me) and slow (him)!

Having said that, sol has copied me into email to the mediator asking him to chivvy PTM along.
I reckon he's spoken to someone who's said something like "you know she's going to get half your pension, don't you?"

What a lovely post Minesa, thank you.

It did backfire in the end. My sol said it made him look like a "nutter" but not before he ran up my costs incredibly. The judges indulged him all the way with his "poor me, I don't understand the law" routine when infact he knew it very well. He also played tricks like saying he hadn't got papers so I had to pay for them to be copied again and sent by courier. It was a nightmare, the worst experience of my life. He even dragged my late father into it by saying that his business had failed and that was evidence of my unreliability! One thing that really was telling was the fact he didn't apply for a residence order himself while all the while portraying himself as the devoted father.
I do think the solicitors often try to talk sense into these men by telling them they will have to pay. My ex didn't have anyone to rein him in and tell him that I would get consent to emigrate with my son which the court ultimately gave me. It was such a huge waste of money to indulge his power play. I have been remarried for 8 years now so I suppose that is the best revenge as he is still a complete sad git.
It sounds like Wiseys H is shying away from writing that cheque.

Thats so true Minesa. Being around those who care for you, even if its only an odd text, email or phonecall, can make a big difference to your recovery.

We've recently had a lot of elderly relative issues; the kind that drain the lifeblood out of you. Its my friends who have seen me through. I often wonder why, but realise that they also have their own difficult 'stuff' and it helps each of us deal with our own challenges if we think we can bring some comfort to each other.

You won't have to look far for to find all those wonderful aspects of friendship Wisey.

Nome your post has sent shivers down my spine. So far my stbx has done some of that "sorry, I don't know the law, and my stbxw is so unreasonable" etc whilst refusing to get a sol himself so mine has to do all the work. Yet my stbx is a very calculating man, knows how to negotiate, might not know the law but knows how to blag.

Anyhow, yours got his in the end and so will mine.

And it's true Minesa and Alldownhill, people have been wonderfully kind to me and they don't do it because they have to, they do it because they want to. I'm doing well, I know it, am I'm finding more and more things about myself that I like really. Thanks.

Wisey, in the end, he will almost certainly get a solicitor. Mine did. He bottled it when it came to going to court because he got scared about having to pay my costs. His solicitor settled it on the steps on the court but we insisted on a hearing to get the formal court order because we didn't trust his promises. I would try to relax. I know that is so hard to do! But you WILL get there and there is only so much you can do to push it along. You have to carry on and live your life while in this legal limbo. The divorce is not the beginning of your new life, that has started already. But ultimately, it is a losing game for these men.

nomedoit: you speak such sense; my STBXH is stalling with getting a lawyer too - he wanted out, had left me mentally well over a year ago, actually left April this year; told me repeatedly he didn't love me etc., I started divorce proceedings two weeks after he left, have done a lot of paperwork, the petitions ready, etc., and he hasn't responded to my solicitor or done a thing. Looks like we may have to go to court, and my sol is saying he can pay my costs as he's the one driving this to court. The limbo is awful - but I agree that there is only so much we can do. The way I'm trying to cope is by getting on with life and accepting that what will be will be regarding how long/difficult the divorce is. I take it a day at a time. The best thing that helps me is telling myself that in my head I'm already divorced - it's just a piece of paper confirming it. I refuse to be drawn into his mind games, because I've spent too much valuable emotional energy trying to get into his head for years. I'm free of that now - life is already much better. I'm relishing my freedom from him. Looking back, I realise that I used to feel responsible for his moods, his happiness, etc. That was a big mistake. Too much time has been spent focusing on him, and it is wonderful to be released from that.

So, I compartmentalise the divorce: My sol requests me to do something, I do it; then forget about it. She advises me, I listen, and trust her to act in my best interests. I am slowly realising that he still wants the reaction from me - the concern and worry that I always gave to his life. Tough. I can't control what he does, only what I do, and I'm dealing with it as I have to, then forgetting it. I imagine he hates this - after 22 years of unconditional love and support (and more than a fair amount of mothering - my fault), he's flying solo. It's what he wanted and I didn't. And now it's what I want. And what he wants....no longer my concern.

Glad it all worked out for you in the end, it's comforting to read your insights.

Saffy, I really feel for you and Wisey! Everything inches along... I did feel things got much better once we were on the court timetable: it seemed to bring a sense of reality to my ex and that is when he got the solicitor. Dealing with a litigant in person is simply dreadful because at least a solicitor, however aggressive, is bound by certain rules and generally doesn't tell outright lies!

You and Wisey seemed to have grasped what it took me many years to realise: that these men want or need a reaction. Once I detached, things got so much better. One piece of very good advice I got was only ever to send a reply to an email that was two sentences max. One of the ex's favourite pastimes was to send a long email after each access visit, detailing his observations and suggestions as to how I could be a better parent. I fell for it, composing long and detailed defences back again, full of outrage and self-justification. Once I stopped doing that... surprise, the emails stopped. He was NEVER concerned about our son or the issues he claimed to be dealing with.

I have been in the US for 8 years now. He stopped paying maintenance when DS was 18 (fixed at the amount set when DS was 6!!!). He never visited, made DS do all the traveling back to the UK and now DS is at uni doesn't pay a penny and won't pay for a flight for DS to go back to the UK. I paid for one last year feeling that I didn't want to be accused of sabotaging the relationship. The trip was a disaster, DS refuses to go and see him: I think he sees him for what he is now.

It is all very sad. At the end of it, he is the one who lost out. I used to be really very afraid of him but now I see him as a pathetic figure in the true meaning of the word.

Aw thanks nomedoit!

My solicitor actually said that getting on the court timetable asap, would be good, because of the structure and timeframe, it would be a focus, and nothing to worry about. So although "court" sounds daunting, and although part of me thinks that it's right, another part of me thinks - how the hell did we get to this? and he wanted this, so why isn't he co-operating? So I kind of jump from these thoughts throughout the day.

Detaching is good for me. I don't respond to any texts at all. He texted me late last night about the girls, and I ignored him. I just don't want to open any dialogue at all. I'm not playing games, I'm just not going to engage with him for my own wellbeing - I have done well with no contact - my solicitor says it's for the best too, so that's what I will keep on doing.

He is, like your ex a sad pathetic man. But I just knew that he would be like he is now - when he said he was going (March), I said you have no idea about the consequences for you in all this - and he looked at me like I was mad. But I was right - and now it's hitting him. I don't feel sorry for him, but god I pity him - for the 4 wonderful kids that he's lost/losing. For the fact that eldest daughter went blonde 3 weeks ago, after being "goth" black, and in his head she's still blonde....for all the good times we share, all the cuddles and hugs; that eldest son feels nothing but contempt, and the girls' say "you must never have him back mum - now you're back to being the mum you were when we were little". He's lost me, he's lost the relationship he had with the kids...even YS who felt it the worse, will only see him now when it suits him, and usually when a friend's in tow...and I predicted it all, way back. And it's all going according to plan.

Silly man. But it's good to know that you are ok - and you posting your experiences is very helpful and encouraging.

Wisey - how are you hun?

Sorry - meant to say in his head she's still goth black.....doh

Hey,

Much the same as you, I think. Mediation is set for next month.

Glad you've got a date for mediation. You going there on your own? X

No. It's a joint meeting.

OMG had forgotten about the fact I am still married to him!! Saffy and Wise my complete sympathies with this bit of the process, have been there and got the t shirt complete with court stamp lol and now I guess I will have to do it all over again.

Are you ok with that? You know you can do first on your own...have you had the mediation pack from mediators? (If you want to pm me your address I'll stick mine in the post to you if you want).

Still, I guess you've been waiting for mediation, and at least it moves things along - you'll be fine, we'll all be here willing you on...how are you today? Out of ten, how many marks for today hun?

Um, 5 or 6.

Mediator is sending the pack, should have it by sat, thanks though.
Just seems a long time to wait and anticipate. you know what my rather vivid imagination is like.

Not really. I can ask for a prior meeting on my own, not sure how that's viewed though - it hasn't been mentioned yet by sol or the mediator.

I emailed the mediator to ask. seems funny that different sols are doing different things wrt this. My sol told me it's because none of them really know what they're doing with the new mediation laws.

The mediators SHL uses are ones that her company has used and trusted for many years. The mediator told me that she has been mediating for 20 years. It has apparently been an option before, but is now the law. My sol made it very clear that for me it is just a loop to jump through - to say I have tried it and it failed. If I had gone to her a couple of months earlier (I went early May, mediation became compulsory early April) then she wouldn't have bothered referring me. She seemed irritated that I had to be referred. She made it clear that as petitioner all the law obliges me to do is one initial session on my own. You I am sure can do the same.

Don't put yourself through the stress and mind games of doing it joint, if you can do it on your own. My initial session was for an hour. We were done and dusted within half that time - no hard feelings, all of us realised it was a waste of time.

DD had a text from stbx last night. She called him an idiot and didn't reply. She gets the no contact rule.
Myself, I believe he's angling for a visit for fathers' day.