OK, new beginnings, new thread, it WAS right to serve divorce papers!

[Wisedupwoman]

I asked the question - Am I right to serve the divorce papers on my chameleon-like but definitely cheating, lying, cruel and manipulative STBXH. You all said "YES". So I have. The story continues.........

Oooh! great news about the lappy!! I like a bit of surfing with my feet up of an evening. You'll love it.

So... bagsy me the chair which has the footrest and a small table to put my glass bottle of wine.

Father's Day? I'm sure you have many financial priorities at the moment none of which include making PTM feel as though he's appreciated. Remember that your DD said herself that her DF had chosen to go and live with OW's DCs. I can't imagine that she will feel like rewarding him for that.

I was a bit worried about raising the mediation issue but clearly it is an issue... My guess, and it only a guess, based on what you say about him is that he's going to need some strong-arm tactics applied before he writes any cheques to you and that he's using mediation to a. look reasonable and b. play games.

nome I agree.

Someone suggested this morning that I give him a time limit to get to mediation, say 4 weeks, and then if he doesn't I withdraw my willingness to participate. I need to check this out with the sol first though, as I'm pretty sure the courts want to see real evidence of attempts to try(i.e. one or both turn up at least once). So far, although I've done the work with and through my sol and found someone who is willing to work with us, stbx has stalled by being slow to respond to the first letter (2 weeks) and now adding another couple of weeks on to his 'happiness' to attend. So a month on from sending him the contact name of a mediator we won't have got there, unless stbx has a change of mind for any reason.

Maybe if he gets the call from the CSA soon that will spur him on, as he was very against my going to them because it will cost him more in the short term. I don't know, tbh, I've got a heavy heart today.

And it's fine to mention what you think you can't, it helps, so thanks.

First time I've laughed today (well, ok, a chuckle then), bottoms up Minesa!

For Father's Day send him a card and a small prezzie. That way he can't whine that you are "turning DD against me." I know it really helped me when a very good solicitor pointed out that the situation wasn't about my STBXH any more: instead I needed to behave in a way that a judge would deem appropriate. Mentally, I took him out of the equation and replaced him with the judge.

Oh that's really helpful thanks (although I much prefer Minesa's option for the 'you are invisible to this family' message!).

Important to remember that this could well end up in court.

I had my therapy session today. We're coming to the end of the funding so she's getting more challenging with me. At some point she said "you've got to take back the power you keep giving him. How did you used to feel when he'd come home and go straight upstairs all night and leave you on your own"?

I said: "I felt lonely, undesirable, old, unwanted, boring, unattractive - and invisible".

that's when I really started to weep. Invisible. Not present, unseen.

She asked me what I want as that's what's important now. I said I want to be in a relationship where I don't lose myself. I don't need high-flying ball-breaking workaholics, with super-charged brains and ego's to feed. I just want to keep my identity because I lost it somewhere along the way with stbx.

When I turn inwards and stop thinking about him, I can't see who I am. That's what my pain is about, not him, but me.

Your therapist is certainly not letting the grass grow under your feet but I expect she senses that you are ready for some of this meaty stuff and knows you need that little bit of encouragement to get yourself to safer ground.

I can only relate to the feeling of being invisible and how that eats away at your soul. Its a cruel place to be.

She's right, its good to think ahead but that must be hard when you are working your way through all the pre-conditioning of the last few years. He really did a job on you . But from all that you have written over the last few weeks, I truly think that you are starting to find out who you are. You have made some of the most difficult decisions under extreme pressure and you have secured a new job against he odds (or at least the grumpy panel member). The person you are going to be again has started to become real, you have some other bits to add to the mix, but essentially you are there.

Who you are is as much the person you are to your DCs, your parents and your friends - they seem to think there are a lot of very good reasons to be around you and have you in their lives. You are seeing a lot of your goodness reflected in them. Its why your DSs are there for you, its why your relationship with your DD is thriving, despite what PTM has thrown at you and your DF's offer of a lappy.

These are all 'givens' and will all help you start to discover your own future. The relationship side of things will also come in its own time and when you are least looking for it.

Hi Alldownhill
I'm shattered, really tired this morning. I've simply run out of steam.

Thanks for your post. I went out for a long walk last night, sat on the beach and wept.

With bits of me forging ahead and bits of me still stuck with finding who I am it's difficult to see what you see in my posts, but it's good you're there to remind me. This is normal, it's what people do when they break up but it's far harder to do this when still engaged with the toxic stuff of divorce.

I'll be back after work.
x

Morning Wisey - I know how you feel. I've updated my thread - basically Lycra Man has ignored SHL's letter, hasn't appointed a solicitor, so SHL is saying let's go straight to court. I am not surprised (ignoring me for months and months - it's what he does), but I am disappointed - afterall he wanted out, he's got what he wanted, and now he's stalling. All about control and mind games probably. Well, it won't work with me - I will have to pay a lot for court costs, but I will pay if I have to.

I can't anticipate a future relationship - and I guess because I was a very independent woman before he wore me down with his belittling, I have reverted pretty much to my old self, which I relish. You too are a strong woman, but like me, he knocked the stuffing out of you; don't think about future relationships now, just go with the flow of all this horrible stuff, and your true self will emerge again.

I too feel exhausted, physically and mentally - but I tell myself this is normal. What you said to your therapist about how you felt when he came home and went upstairs really resonated with me - I felt exactly the same. It is hard, but lean on us, and we will help you - and each other.

One day at a time, don't dwell on the past, or look to far into the future - just take baby steps and be kind to yourself. It's what I keep telling myself too!

Talk later
X

Wisey in some ways I am not quite sure what I mean but I can't help but feel that you have many people in RL around you, quietly supporting you and they will be there for you when you have finally nuked this idiot out of your orbit.

These are the people who believe in you but they can only be at arm's length at the moment as they realise that they need to let you go through this at your own pace and in your own way.

Its no wonder that you are falling into exhaustion, mentally and physically. After all, he is the one who made his choices in life clear. What on earth can he gain by stringing you along and making you wait to sort everything out?

You mentioned that he had his financial future mapped out (with morality having left the building beforehand) so your post-separation demands will have pissed him off big time. His comfortable post-midlife crisis persona will have to get by on a reduced income. Hmmm... not such an attractive catch for any woman. Rich or poor.

Its probably a combination of factors making him behave like this. My guess is that the enormity of what he has unleashed is only dawning on him and his default setting is being a complete bastard. I hope you have been able to make some progress with your solicitor. You get the feeling that PTM needs to feel the heat and thereby getting some of this pressure off you.

Hi, and thank you.

Funnily enough I left work early today, I was leaking tears all over the place. But I talked with a friend who I work with. She said the same as you. And her take on it is that maybe I spent all those evenings on my own, feeling all those things, and just pressing them down, but they're coming out now that he's gone and I need to feel them and let them pass.

On a happier note though, another colleague left 3 lovely dwarf lavendar plants for me for my new used-to-be-PTM's-pond patio area. They're lovely and I'm off to the garden centre to buy some sand and a pot!

it's the little things, isn't it.........

Hi everyone,

Just want to say I'm still following you and I'm so proud of you all.

It's a long time since I was where you are and things have changed so much that I feel better leaving you in the hands of ppl of your own generation who know the up to date things. But dont forget there are lurkers here looking after you too.

Im going to be away again for a few days to visit my daughter and her family but i'll be around from time to time so never think that you are alone. There is always someone there.

TC all. xx

Why, thank you Anothermum. I hope you have a lovely few days away.

I've had an email from sol who says just try mediation and if he mucks about at all then we can go straight to court without any further ado. Meanwhile he's going to chase up the mediator. At last. Methinks sol doesn't like to think PTM is playing him too. Must have hit the spot. Is this what you mean by getting my sol to work for me then Saff?!

Yep Wisey! It certainly is...and remember you can have that first (and only) mediation session ON YOUR OWN!!

Still here too (and resolved never again to give ptm the benefit of the doubt after reading about his latest treatment of you/dd,must've had a mad moment, sorry about that!) and think you're doing great. Hang in there. Take good care of yourself, get rest etc (dull, sorry).

You too saffysmum, you are inspiring ladies on here!

Thought of you and your respective dds today, a local hairdresser is offering prom hair, mani and pedi for "only" £80! Was shocked, whatever happened to teenage primping in bedrooms with rimmel cosmetics and a scrub from body shop? I think it's sad, part of the fun of school parties was their budget nature, there is enough drama from the kids themselves, think making it into a huge deal is setting them up for stress/anticlimax. But bet they'll all look lovely.

Hey, tis fine Dozer I'm feeling better, it feels real to cry.

Rimmel make-up and Charlie perfume. Those were the days.

£80 is just part of it. the dress, shoes, tan, accessories........

Rimmel make-up and Charlie! Another trip down memory lane - for me it was Miners Makeup and Mary Quant "Havoc" spray!

We have the Coast cocktail dress, the shoes and clutch. We have the hairdresser booked (tousled waves, including the hair extensions which are waiting in a box). I am yet to book the spray tan (am trying to hope against hope she forgets about this. Whilst hair is being tousled nails will be manicured. Then there is the car - being shared with a few friends - a vintage Roller, (just like Kate M's apparently - when she married William). Then there is the after prom party....which I, apparently am hosting (still to be confirmed)!

Then (yes there's more)...there is "Leavers Assembly" the next afternoon, which of course requires another dress...a Kate Moss one from Top Shop will do (she says).....

DD spent £50 of her savings on a Swarovksi crystal hair slide, out of which will tumble 'waterfall curls' . Awwww

Hello again Sugar, been away?

It is the little things. Like planting and redecorating. And the friendships you make.
I went through an awful divorce and a truly horrendous court case about visitation when I emigrated. My ex never applied to have our DS himself, he just wanted to stop me going. Represented himself and sent his 100 page self-penned affidavit/character assassination of me to my new man!... amongst other gems. So believe it or not, the fact your STBEX is doing you a favour having a solicitor.
Anyway, I'm remarried and have another child. But I look back on those days as the ones when I really lived and felt. I grew up, gained my confidence, struck out. The other side of the aloneness is true freedom. I also be ame a lot less smug and judgemental! Or at least I hope so...