OK, new beginnings, new thread, it WAS right to serve divorce papers!

[Wisedupwoman]

I asked the question - Am I right to serve the divorce papers on my chameleon-like but definitely cheating, lying, cruel and manipulative STBXH. You all said "YES". So I have. The story continues.........

wow!, and here I was just about to say something along the lines of 'just try to detact yourself from his planning and allow him and DD to find their own way...he'll more than likely stuff it up and let her down anyway and you'll just need to be ready to pick up the pieces..'

...when he's gone and done it already!!

That HAS to be some sort of stuff up record...he's such a poppet, isn't he?

Your poor, poor DD

They are all so bloody predictable, aren't they? Your ex has stuffed up with daughter; mine stuffed up less than two weeks after moving out, asking our daughter if he would like to meet "the lovely family, in the lovely house with the lovely dog". The only way I could justify this, at the time, was that he was so self absorbed, he honestly thought that she was more interested in his happiness than anyone elses. This tied in with him being the most important person in the universe; he really thought that she couldn't rest until she knew he was happy. Silly, stupid, deluded prat. And now, 4 weeks later, that same daughter wants nothing to do with him, whilst he is texting her non stop.

I tell myself this Wisey; we are lucky, we no longer have to live with these self centred egotistical wasters - so we win. They, however lose: because they have to live with themselves for the rest of their sorry lives.

Two weeks ago the same daughter was looking forward to going to a festival with friends. She assured me that dad had booked the tickets "ages ago". Two days before the event, she phoned him to ask where the tickets were, and guess what, he had forgotten to get them. So there I was, ringing round to get tickets - too late. So, again, he had let her down. She took it well, but I was fuming on her behalf - how bloody dare he? But it was another nail in the coffin of her love for him. So sad, but we can only protect them so much...at the end of the day, these sorry excuses for fathers reap what they sow. But with mums like you, these kids have so much, unconditional, strong, unwavering love. Worth more than any acadamies, gigs, lovely dogs, money can buy.

Stay strong. X

She took it well, but I was fuming on her behalf

Oh, this will be long.

So am I Saffy, very angry. I don't know how much contact goes on between DD and her D, she has only contacted him once that I know of in the last few weeks to ask him for money. He obliges but I don't think there's anything else going on. In the beginning I'd thought (and feared) that we would be fighting each other over who got to spend time with her, how wrong was I? I believed if nothing else that he would prioritise trying to make amends with her first and foremost. Since I don't pry, I can't be sure that he doesn't inundate her with texts and emails (as he did when he was trying to move her up to where he's living), but if he is, either they're just not working or he is playing a game which is supposed to get me to open up the communications again - which I won't but the pressure to do that, especially when I'm furious with him, is immense. But tbh, even if we were communicating, albeit just on a need to basis it wouldn't be any different, he'd be acting the same.

It's not what people say that tells you what they're thinking, it's what they do. And so far everything he has done gives the lie to what he says. I've lost the picture in my mind of the DH he was whilst the reality of who he is now gets bigger and bigger and more powerful (not that he's powerful but my experience of his disgusting behaviour). Do you know what I mean? In a way, seeing him (if we ever get to mediation, which tbh is looking ever more doubtful, I still haven't had a response) should help me to get things back into perspective and I'll be reminded of the man I could barely even look at in the last weeks of our marriage.

But he's going to hang on for as long as possible, doing a bit here and a bit there, stringing the process out, trying to punish me for god knows what - just being the woman he was married to. I'm desperate to be free of this marriage, I really am, but I sense that until he's got his own life the way he wants it he's going to make me wait.
I have a suspicion that if things were lovely with the OW he wouldn't be hanging things out - he'd be keen to get things done, he's a very driven man when he wants something badly.

So I'll stop with the verbals for now! DD and me are supposed to be prom shoe-shopping today (groan). Have a great day. Back later. (hugs)

Hope the shoe shopping goes well, got DDs in Coast last week, with a matching clutch bag, blew the budget, but they are so lovely.

Going back on topic, I know exactly how you feel about the kids. I think Lycra man is wary of eldest, who is very strong and independent and incredibly supportive of me. He has sent him a few texts - in the first week or so, but ES had deleted his number, and wants nothing to do with him. The girls - minimum contact and they are very cool about seeing him, but exchange a few texts - that's as far as it goes. YS sees him at least once a week, and wants to see him when he does. But STBXH hasn't been in contact with him at all this week - so YS saw him last Sat and will see him today! I really thought, like you, that I would get fed up with him demanding to see YS all the time - like you, I was wrong big time! And like you, I wonder about it.

I spoke to a colleague at work, (who is a counsellor) about the anger that comes off Lycra Man towards me, it really is palpable. I told her that I should be the angry one, but I'm not, I am cool and pleasant and in control with him. She said that this is probably what is making him angry. That he went off, and perhaps thought that he'd give it a few weeks/months, consider how he felt (so incredibly self absorbed), then if he wasn't happier, he could come back. She said that she thinks he's angry with me, because I'm ok, I'm not weeping and wailing, and I'm coping fine. Said it's a kick in the ego (and boy, does he have an ego). Also, crucially, I've scuppered his actions; there is no option to come back - I've backed him into a corner by filing for divorce. So he's stuck with his new life. This, she says, is driving his anger towards me. I thought I'd tell you this to see if it relates to your situation? Could he be punishing you, because he's also backed into a corner, and like you say, your man usually gets what he wants...and the grass may not be greener in Disgracelands afterall! What do you think?

Gosh, that's such a depressing post....because ptm is so utterly selfish and that its your DD that'll be hurt and he'll never be able to see what he has done and lost. He probably spend his life making excuses about what has happened as it'll not be his fault.

What a wanker! And can feel your anger coming and totally understand it.

saffysmum is right..its made worse by just how predictable it is. The selfishness and the strange dragging it all out...predicatble as hell.

What Saffy is saying rings true for me.

The scenario which I experienced in my family took a depressing turn when the Bolter didn't get their own way and their shiney new life became under pressure. The bolter needed their Ex to stay there on the sidelines locally, propping up their dream, keeping the family ticking over. When the Ex finally decided to up sticks and move to be around a family support network, the bolter unleashed a torrent of hate - accusations, lies etc. Those have taken their toll and many years to put right with the DCs.

The Bolter had rationalised that they had to leave the family home to 'find themselves' but the security of the home was still there and the person to blame (in their opinion) was still there to blame - making them feel that what they had done was OK. As soon as the Ex was truly out of the picture, they had to face the future on their own. To this day, the Bolter has painted a different picture of what happened through those years and still feels totally blameless. Its still really frustrating to think that one person can cause so much chaos, but they can.

As soon as you started to assert yourself Wisey and regain your strength, PTM's been trying to maintain his belief in why he left, but the person he left is not there anymore, any option he had in his mind to come back home, has disappeared. He has wakened up one morning and realised that he has no choices. All the choices he has made over the last few years have taken him to a dead end. He's really on his own now.

Who better to blame but you. That's the coward's route to happiness but as you are not playing ball, he is all at sea.

Keep building your life away from him; the more you walk in the other direction, the more you will believe that you can do it. You don't need his permission to do anything. He needs to begin to understand that whatever he throws at you, none of it sticks and he's a loser in more ways that one.

Alldown - thanks for confirming what I wondered: the way you've put it makes perfect sense to me. I am certain now that the anger being directed at me is because I/we were his safety net. And I've taken it away.

Saffy - its only years later when we look back, we can see all the behaviours in the cold light of day.

These people think they are smarter than everyone else - WRONG! What they actually are is utterly selfish and seek pleasure above all else, even their own DCs.

What they don't realise is that pleasure is in the small things in life, the blossoming of your DCs, the good health, the shared joke, the shared moments etc... but its not good enough for them and they go off to find their next personal emotional high.

But for them to be able to do that, someone has to take care of the family and they think that person almost deserves the drudgery of home life. They were too good for that, they deserved more. When you no longer play that role of 'wronged partner' battling on, they are too stupid to realise that everyone else has moved on, and they are the ones left with the dregs in the bottom on the cup. Plus they have lost the one love they could always rely on.

Its not just your Ex's safety net you have taken away, its your unconditional love for him. That's the really painful bit for him.

Never mind, he still loves himself, you can't take that away.

Honest-to-betsy I couldn't have put it better!

It makes sense, perfect sense. He's living in someone else's home, all his status symbols are gone, he's got no friends in the new life (other than those with the OW and they'll soon suss him out), and the door to the old one is tightly shut. He has to stay in his current job because his employment prospects aren't good, which means shit-loads of daily commuting. He can hardly start dumping all this on OW so soon, or else she'll tire of it when what she thought she was getting was the carefree young student she knew 20 odd years ago. Why wouldn't he be angry at me and trying to hang on to the vestiges of the old life if only for a sense of 'belonging' somewhere that he put himself into the building of? Thing is, he no longer belongs anywhere, no-one wants him back here - not me, not my DS's and especially not DD no matter how hard it is.

If this were me, I know I'd be feeling pretty peeved that my leaving had made my life more complicated instead of simpler as I might have envisaged.

Well he can be as angry as he likes, it won't stop this particular train from hurtling toward him.

Thanks all, you are such stars!

Annie if he doesn't get his act together soon 'self-love' is all he's going to be able to get, IYSWIM!

OMG. I have just read this thread with a mixture of laughter, tears, lows and downright pride for you all.

I'm happy for you who finally realise that you are all so much better off without the twunts, despite how much it hurts. Finally getting financial independence and taking care of those who need you all on your own is bloody hard and scary. The days where you feel as though everything is too much and you just want things to go back to how they were, to the days where you wake up and think you can take on the whole world and anything else that wants to try and have a go is exhausting in itself. To not only dealing with your own emotions but those of who you have to care for too and the worst bit by far is knowing you cant do anything to protect them from the hurt but be there when they are let down. All while trying to keep a level head and keep doing the sensible thing and what's right.

You are all amazing women and I wish you all the very best of luck and happiness for the future. Stay strong, you are an insperation to anyone who reads this.

sorry, Inspiration.

I knew that didnt look right.

all this exactly rings true for me too...that's actually how it was.

I can remember the final gems being 'you need to take me back because I have been ill and being with you will make me better' and 'You need to take me back because I know what's best for you'.

Self deluded, self righteous, self absorbed crap!!!!!!

OP, coming late to this thread. Congratulations. This was my situation ten years ago. Am I right in thinking you are in the house you shared together? I was too. I will never, ever forget the look on my exs face when he saw the new paint and carpet I put in after his departure. A look that said simultaneously...

1. Why didn't I get consulted?
2. How did you manage to go to John Lewis all by yourself and order the carpet?
3. I am deeply, deeply pissed off.

arf at nomedoit! I know that look!

I'm laughing at Nomedoit too Coconuts! I can imagine that look. But there would be a no.4. with my STBXH:

1. Did she pay for it all on my card?

Thanks for your kind words Mole....I have been helped greatly by this thread, and sharing stuff with Wisey.

Oh, that's so nice to read, moley and nome. Thanks.

FFS, Migrating he didn't did he? What bare-faced bollocks they come out with.

Well I've learned to swear like a trooper - under my breath, out loud, in my head, in the shower, car, office, on the phone, by text, email, everywhere.

Just opened the post, and had the forms for the severance of joint tenancy to sign - yes, I am in the matrimonial home and whether or not he agrees to this, it goes ahead.

Also a letter from sol with a very friendly sounding letter from stbxh enclosed. He says he is pleased Wisey is now willing to patricipate in mediation, is happy to pay for it all providing we're both agreeable as to the choice of mediator (I chose him). Of course he hasn't been contacted by the CSA yet, so I can expect a change of tone soon.

He also dropped in another completely random but well chosen piece of information - his elderly parents are ill, so he cannot be sure to be picking up his post from the address he's at because he's not there alot - do I need to know about his elderly parents? I think not. Does anybody still believe he's actually at that address? Nope. Twunt.

Oh my god. I'm going to be seeing him soon.

So, his own medical crisis resolved I clearly need to know that his folks are having one now. Seeing as they have not contacted me or DD once since I threw him out, I don't think it's really any of my concern.

It does however, concern me that these useless bits of his life keep seeping into my own!

all part of the 'poor, hard done by me', 'hard, uncaring you' routine.

How could you possibly be so mean to him when he has sooo much to deal with right now???

Oh, I read it like "thank goodness Wisey's ready to talk settlements with me so I can move on"!

On third thoughts it's more the case of whilst I appear strong but i'm jelly-like underneath, he appears under strain but underneath is rather pleased with himself - ggrrrr.

How can he do this? I'm lovely I am! Everyone tells me that!

I'm going to talk sternly again Wisey, so listen up!!

You need to get to the stage where he can write what he likes, do what he likes and it doesn't matter. Because it really doesn't matter, does it? His parents are ill. Well, they are his parents, so his problem. You don't know how he is coping - and you don't need to know - all you need to know and care about is how you are coping.

You're divorcing him - that's all that matters. You are going to get a good settlement, because you deserve it, it's your right. Whether you go via mediation, the courts or wherever for this - you'll reach your destination. It doesn't matter what he thinks about the mediator, whether he's wobbly, happy, sad, miserable - all that matters is you and the kids. And it really doesn't matter where he's living. What matters is that he isn't living with you. Because he doesn't deserve you.

He isn't worth the head space honey. He really isn't. He can stew in his own juice, and deal with his new life and his elderly parents.

You are a bright and funny and caring woman - that comes across in your posts. Stop measuring yourself against his feelings (or perceived feelings) for you. He just isn't worth it. Please focus on you and the kids. Don't let bits of his life seep into your own. Just flick them off, ignore and move on.

Like you rightly say, you're lovely, you are!!

I shredded the letter.

That's my girl! X