OK, new beginnings, new thread, it WAS right to serve divorce papers!

[Wisedupwoman]

I asked the question - Am I right to serve the divorce papers on my chameleon-like but definitely cheating, lying, cruel and manipulative STBXH. You all said "YES". So I have. The story continues.........

Hello sanity savers out there .

DD wants a dog too. Now, I don't have any principled objection to this because we talked last year about and ptm said no way. But I've said we need to wait for a few weeks and see if we still think it's do-able and not just a 'he's out of the equation now, so we can do what we want' decision.

Alldownhill thank you. That's what it seems like to me, all the time she was young there weren't the issues that began to come up recently when she started demanding more of him in her own right and I began to grow myself. I really think that he just couldn't handle the thought of being a grown up in a grown up relationship with anyone. Now I don't worry about my health any more (like i used to all the time), I don't believe I'm a crap mother (like I used to), I don't worry about the future (like i used to) I don't believe I haven't got enough of the 'right' sort love for him (like I used to) I know that these were not my concerns, but his that he put onto me.

I even think that my reluctance to see him now is actually his reluctance to face me but that's fine with me, there is more than one way of doing this as I'm showing him.

Dozer thank you too. Yes, we've done the summer camp thing and she knows there's no spare funds for that from me, so if she really wants to go he'll have to find a way if he's agreeable, or say no, like I did. It amazes me that there's so much pressure to do something big - I had a bit of a do at home with my mates and I was happy with that! What i've said is I don't object to either of her ideas but I am going to find another way to mark her 16th birthday that is realistic for me. I agree, he needs a sign from me, so if he doesn't get a move on with the mediation where we can discuss it i'll just let her know my thoughts so he can go ahead if he wants to. She doesn't mind checking it out with both of us as she accepts fully my reasons for not being in touch with him.

The book, well, in some ways it fits and in others it doesn't, like the Glass book. TBH the advice, ideas and honest-to-goodness experience from all of you ll is closer to mine, so I'll stick with that (and it makes me laugh a whole lot more!) and there's probably a book in that!

Thanks again, and see you later

Wisey its one of those things I was thinking about in the background recently. My three DCs are growing up fast and it has meant that my reationship with my DH is changing too. For the first time in years we have some time to ourselves but at the same time the demands from the DCs are different and there are definite moments when you feel OLD!! Of course I am envious of them having their lives ahead of them and all the experimenting they will (most likely) be doing. But... its their turn and they need us to be here to pick up the pieces.

In a way they need me and their Dad to be the boring, sensible, nagging people that have always been there for them. (And I should add 'stupid' as thats what they seem to think I am most of the time! ) How they see us though, does not really bear any resemblance to how we are as people and we both continue to be as childish and silly as ever privately, we just manage to disguise it and play at being parents the rest of the time. I'm still 21 underneath!

I can see how PTM has mirrored his insecurities on to you and tried to build a case for himself so he felt able to walk away; he couldn't have done anything to 'fix' the situation. Its like he was creating a get-out clause and you were meant to plead once he had left so he had two women needing him.

I think you are out-classing him in every way possible. Its still hard, but you are seeing him for what he is and I can start to sense some relief in your posts. Relief that you are laying down the law and he's the one trying to catch up. Bet he's struggling with his long-held image of himself as the dapper executive babe-magnet... whatever happened to that person?

Oh and the dog thing.. we have a beautiful pooch (used to have two until New Years day ) but I would say think hard about this. Purely because you are tied all the time and you can't just pop out without thinking about it. Also the DCs need a lot of prodding to do their bit after having promised they would do everything.

On the other hand, a dog can be trained to do as you say !!!

There is no way that anyone can describe you as acting the victim Wisey...you rock!!

you might not feel it you have been awesome!!

I think you are out-classing him in every way possible.

Bet he's struggling with his long-held image of himself as the dapper executive babe-magnet
There is no way that anyone can describe you as acting the victim Wisey...you rock!! you might not feel it you have been awesome!!^

WOW.

And you know what? He's been on the phone again telling DD he needs to speak to me to 'make sure he's not acting against my wishes'. If I hadn't just read your posts I'd have had the shivers (but as it is I am, yet again, laughing up my sleeve).

But cool as you like, I said there's nowt to talk about since we're all agreed - So Dd says he'll refuse to buy it unless you talk to him, so I say well, he'll look a bit daft if he does that as I'm saying yes (yes, we're see-sawing between her birthday and Christmas FGS).

Finally. The purple-trousered-babe-worm has met the woman he didn't know he'd been living with all these years.

I like her. I like her alot.
x

He's been on the phone again telling DD he needs to speak to me

Aha! If I'm not mistaken he is struggling with not being able to talk to you. Bet he thinks that if he sweet talks talks down to you, you'll see the ligh and he'll be able to be all magnanamous and save the day.

Considering the status of your other negotiations, not speaking to him is essential.

You're right, he's sniffing around for clues. He can't stand not being in control as without it, he's nobody. Nobody cares any more. That must be making him shift around uncomfortably in his puple trousers.

No, no contact at all. And it's true. Nobody cares any more. He won't try for very long either - because he's a quitter.

And the clues he's looking for will be dropping through his letter box before too much longer.

Just wondering what sound those clues will be making when they hit the floor.

One simple envelope on the doormat. The beginning of him realising that what goes around, comes around.

Morning!

The beginning of him realising that what goes around, comes around.

For the first time in months I slept until the alarm went off, and then I laid there wishing I had another half hour. It was bliss, not feeling the urgency to get up and do something to avoid the pain.

Because I don't have to do something, it's all beginning to come around (loved that, btw) and I'm not in pain.

See you later!

Evening.

Just on my way out the door this morning and DD says, D's texted me and he's in the area today, shall i get him to take me to football tonight? I said yes why not. Got to work and a colleague said stbx must be back at work now as he's at a meeting nearby.

Shivers, luckily was looking my best although didn't bump into him. I've been slightly on edge all day. This is the first time they've spent together for weeks. I guess I can expect some conversation will take place between them. I'll play it cool when she gets back and see if she wants to tell me.

I've had 3 fags since getting home so I think I'd better go wield the hoover around for a while to get rid of nervous energy.

Excellent. That good night's sleep came at the right time. You knew you were looking good and that must have felt (quietly) satisfying.

You're in a much better place now to deal with whatever drivel comes out of his mouth. He's back at work then (his medical meltdown has been averted?) and he'll be thinking he's got it clocked. Its good that you've got an early warning system in place with colleagues.

Whatever happens today, I am sure that you will be fine and more than able to deal with his latest moves... and your carpets will be clean.

do you have any idea of just how incontrol and 0on top you sound???!!!

Finally. The purple-trousered-babe-worm has met the woman he didn't know he'd been living with all these years.

I like her. I like her alot.

so do I!

You're doing brilliantly Wisey!

Have just caught up cos have been working lots of shifts this week, and last night had a brilliant time - went to see Rod Stewart with friends and he was amazing. 66 years old - phwoar!!

Anyway, I just let my kids see lycra man when they want to, which is once or twice a week for YS, not at all for one daughter and ES, and very occasionally for other daughter, who has only seen him when he's picked up YS at the house. I don't probe about how lycra man is, or what he said, and if they tell me anything, I sort of answer with a non-commital, "that's nice" or, "oh yeah". They're old enough, especially the older three, to suss him out for themselves. I think your daughter is definitely the same. So don't worry. I also don't make a big deal about them seeing him or not - it's their business. But I've made it clear that they can talk to me about anything that may be said, crop up. Youngest daughter got a bit upset the other night because she said she didn't miss him or want to see him at all - and thought there was something wrong with her! I told her that this was fine, and exactly as I felt too - she was then ok about it. I also said if she did want to see him, then she should - and should never worry about feeling disloyal to me - because my relationship to him as his wife, is completely separate to her relationship with him as his daughter.

When I do see him I treat him a bit like a do a cold caller when I'm in the middle of good telly - abrupt, cool and to the point. It works a treat. I would treat him like this if you do bump into at work. Don't engage in conversation, take the moral high ground and keep it short and civil.

You'll be fine - hell, you are fine. A lot better than you perhaps think you are.

X

do you have any idea of just how incontrol and 0on top you sound???!!!

no, I wish I could read my own posts from your vantage point and you all sound pretty switched on yourselves!

Just had conversation with ES who went for a pint with stbx today. He reassured me that he's "not falling for any bollocks" wrt purple man. I was worried because ES is a lovely bloke with a big heart, but apparently it's not that big where purple man is concerned (not any more).

I'll get used to it, the visits and the contacts, I mean. It'll settle into a rhythm of its' own at some point and by then I'll learn to enjoy the time on my own (and who knows, maybe some of it won't be spent on my own!).

Saffy, you're right, I am more fine than I sometimes give myself credit for (see above ^) I dropped off the papers to sever the joint tenancy at the sols today, so that should come through soon I hope.

Carpets are clean. Floors are washed. No dust. Tidy house.

Lovely (for now!).

My house is a tip! But a lovely tip! Got home after Rod last night, fell into bed (without Rod, unfortunately!) got to sleep about 1.00 a.m. - got up at 6.00 to do 8 hour shift - got home exhausted, and had a house full on teenagers! ES and ED are on study leave - but there wasn't much studying going on, but they were all happy, happy, happy...which is sooo good!

Takeaway ordered, watch the soaps and in bed by nine with my Kindle!

The messy house can wait until the weekend!

You will set into some kind of rhythm re the contact and kids...I don't like Saturday mornings, cos that's when Lycra man picks up YS for a few hours - but it's getting more normal, and therefore easier every week - and my STBXH has only been gone 6 (blissful) weeks! So you'll be fine too!
X

We might sound in control but we haven't had the shit kicked out of our lives by a man with bad taste in trousers and only one wednesday sock!!

Arf at Migrating.

Will hardly be able to stop myself innocently enquiring what his 'attire' was tonight. Could've pointed him in the direction of the tip for the last bag of his clothes I suppose, but why spoil the fun?

Have also been lending out the CD's and tools in a rather careless fashion. I've got a terrible memory.

GGrrrrr! purple odd sock man has told DD she can trial at a club up the motorway and he and ES will share the journey's between them.

Roughly translated this is: yes, you can do whatever you like on that score, your unreasonable and mad DM denied you the chance to be a star so we'll just bypass her this time, and btw, I took ES for a pint today and squared it with him before your DM had a chance to comment. ggrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!

I did check out with DD that her DF is actually prepared to travel hundreds of miles in an evening and weekend for a football match. Well, I guess that must mean the medical emergency is over!!!!

Don't get it, is it a one-off, or could it mean multiple trips? Is this different from the summer camp thing?

If it's a new thing, is v bad/manipulative of ptm, unless crossed-wires in some way (eg he thought dd had already asked you and you'd said yes). Whose suggestion was it?

Try not to get sucked in. Remember the day-of-week socks!

multiple trips. different from summer camp.
I've told DD that she must rein in her requests as they can't all be met.

she's got the message. am not standing for any more nonsense. none.
and ptm can eat his bloody socks. .

Wisey is not wifey anymore, and she won't be controlled .

Go wisey!

That is bang out of order, all 3 of them!

Slap ptm with sweaty football socks!

What a sad, sad tale Wisey.

How dare he treat his DD like this. Does he think that her emotions are teflon-coated. I feel like quoting Jeremy Kyle who tells his guests that they should crawl over hot coals to see their DCs.

He wouldn't have allowed you to raise her? Considering his actions over the last few years, at what point did he think that he had ANY right to be part of his DD's life? As a role model, he's pond life.

Keep on walking in the opposite direction from him. Any wavering you felt about speaking to him or dealing with him must now seem like a lucky escape for you. You are doing the right thing here, and will continue to do so.

I am with you on your comment that its breathtaking. What a total shit he is. And he has let down his DD in a spectacular fashion. That's beyond words.

Stay strong.

Wisey I've been following your thread for a few weeks. You have handled all this so, so well and have come so far. What Alldown said now. No wavering, your approach has served you well and it will continue to do so.

ptm's fuckwittage is leaking elsewhere now, I feel for your DD. If you ever had any doubts, he's just stuck the final nail in his own coffin by hurting your child by being such a callous, self absorbed, selfish apology for a 'man'

Hi, and thank you both

The stuff about not allowing me to stay in our home and raise DD. It's true, he told me last autumn that if our marriage failed I would have to go, and he would raise DD. Gaslighting. All to make me doubt my ability as a woman and as a mother.

As you point out Alldownhill, whilst it did work for a while it doesn't now, and I have had a lucky escape, indeed.

He simply doesn't have the wherewithall to imagine what this has done to DD. I don't know how he interprets and gets his head around her experience of him, but I can only imagine he has had to split her off into some non-conscious space in his mind so he can carry on as if he has done no wrong. And I imagine the lazy explanation (for lazy he is, in the extreme) is he's telling himself (with the help of OW, no doubt) that I have been able to brain-wash DD.

No matter what he does in the future, she'll keep loving him and she'll hold on to some hope for the D she once thought she could rely on. But he's gone. I posted elsewhere that I wasn't cut out for being a lone parent. But actually, I'm cut out to do whatever it takes to be a parent, lone or not.

And to use Jeremy Kyle's words - that means crawling bare-arsed over hot coals to do the right thing by my DD.