OK, new beginnings, new thread, it WAS right to serve divorce papers!

[Wisedupwoman]

I asked the question - Am I right to serve the divorce papers on my chameleon-like but definitely cheating, lying, cruel and manipulative STBXH. You all said "YES". So I have. The story continues.........

He so much wanted me to accept a 'private agreement' exactly so he could avoid the truth coming out. He was silly for not properly researching the mediation process - thinking he could wave his financial acumen in my face and keep hidden all the debts and other stuff he's been up to - he's going to have to show it all whether he wants to or not.

Silly boy. Silly, silly boy.

Morning - my sol. used the address I gave her to write to Tangoed Lycra Man. I found it out from the DD he took round there to "meet the lovely family in the lovely house with the lovely dog". She knew the road, as it's a main one near where we live, and she spotted the number on the lovely gate, and that was enough for my solicitor - so am a bit baffled about needing an address from the respondent - doesn't add up to me.

You are entitled by law (because you are the petitioner) to attend the initial consultation on your own in Mediation. If I were you - I would contact the mediator, tell them you will do an initial consultation on your own, then do what I did, and refer it back to sol. (or preferably mine - I wish I could clone her and send you her!).

He's digging his heels in I think, because he thought he could walk all over you in mediation, but because proposals agreed by you in mediation, have to be "rubber stamped" to be made legal by your sol (and the sol can dispute and say - no way, you're entitled to more than this - and refer you back to mediation, or take over at any point), he realise that whichever way this goes forward, he's going to be worse off. (He's already paid a huge price to his future health and happiness emotionally, but like TLC doesn't see this yet).

I'm sure that a good lawyer would track him down - they must do this all time.

Mediation is a bit like a bus - you can hop off whenever you like. So I would go, get that initial session on your own over (the fact that he is digging his heels in further proves it won't work); then get a free session with another lawyer, and see if you're impressed, switch lawyers, and go for it.

You did right with the way you handled this - I'm proud of you.
X

Saffy, morning early riser! I'm going to PM you if that's ok.

x

Hello again.

It's done. Application to the CSA is in the post.

I've had what I think is called a 'blue sky' moment when suddenly it doesn't matter any more what he says or does.

It feels really, really good.

Delighted to hear it

Would your sol have any moral objection to copying the letters to the "unofficial" address? There's nothing stopping you doing so yourself, that I can think of (except that you don't keep a dog in order to bark yourself, or a solicitor in order to send your own legal correspondence).

Why I don't know Annie, I'll ask!

Anyhoo, I've just posted the CSA forms off with the real address - blown the gaff on loves-young-dream.

And I instructed them to take the money direct.

I'm no longer attached or even semi-detached. I'm Detached!

Good evening.

Me and DD just watched Hangover, very funny. Also she's made good friends with the girls she'll be going to the local academy with in Sept - they're all going to see Hangover 2 this week. So all's well that ends well on that score anyway.

It's been a good day and I feel lighter than I have felt for ages. I think the shit bit of the shit is passing.

It is a funny film!!

Hang on to the good feelings and bottle some of it for future times

Glad to see things have been going so well WUW.

Ive been away a lot lately but I've been keeping tabs on how things have been going for you.

Glad you are on the up and up.

XX

Anothermum thank you, good to see you again.

Horrid rainy morning but the garden's grateful!

Have a good day all.
x

Well today's been a mixed bag.

Therapy first off. Then meeting with my Manager to tell her about the job. She's happy for me but sad I'm going. We agreed to keep it quiet until I've got the offer letter.

Home to DD anxious about getting all the prom stuff she needs, and asking if me and her D can get her a ped! I told her to research the insurance on them plus running and maintenance costs. She did.

Told her I hope she'll never have cause to look back and think I handled everything badly - I'd love to do things like I used to, but now I can't even plan for next weekend.

Still, it won't always be like this.

it won't be and it isn't always now either . From the sounds of it, your DD will look back with nothing but pride and love for you. You're doing a great job under difficult circumstances!

its great to hear her being normal teenagery too.

Good going, you are continuing to be bold and practical, and supporting dd (not to mention dealing with the usual teenagerishness) in the face of your ex's obstructiveness and fear-mongering. AND got yourself a new job!

You seem to be being too hard on yourself.

Sounds like dd is moving forward too, with making friends for her new school etc. She has a great role model in you.

Thank you, we have perspective again .

i've got loads to be happy about and it's all real, there's no threat, and it's getting better all the time.

Cheers for that gentle reminder!

It's - getting - so - much - better - all - the - time....

Life - is - a roller- coaster - I just - wanna - ride - it....

Things - can - only - get - better....

Be glad, be very glad, that I can't record me singing!!

Well, I'd glad you're on an up...

I'm away now for a few weeks :( :)

I may be able to check in from time to time - but only this thread

Take care everyone - will miss you all!!

I'll be baaaaaaacccckkkkk

xxxx

Wisey - have PM'd you
xxxx

Chipping have a good time away.

I'm back from end of term Uni duties and am back to a full compliment of DCs for the summer. I am going for a prize for the most stuff packed in the back of the car and the largest pile of washing ever known to man. It could be an installation at the Tate Modern!

I'll catch up with all your news after work and I can see that you are stronger and stronger as the days go on. Such a lot of change all in one go would test anyone, even if you have down days, you are still moving forward and the fact that you have your new job in the bag is an amazing achievement in the middle of all of this. Its the one thing which will start to give you yourself back.

HiMinesa, actually I was just reading a book I bought from Amazon called Runaway Husbands. It's doing my head in (and my heart) so I put it down and looked to see if anyone's there on MN and there you were!

DD has it in her head she needs a ped or a week away at Man U's summer school for her 16th. So she knows I've just put a claim in with the CSA and it could be weeks before they even contact him and I can't plan anything ( I am very very proud of myself for doing this, I am unafraid of any possible retaliation).

I say, phone your D and ask what's possible. She does, and he's all magnanimous yes, one or the other, it's your 16th. She says, I feel guilty asking him for money when I'm not even seeing him. I feel this pang of pain about that because I'm loving this exclusive time with her. So I say, well, how much effort is D putting in to try and see you then? None, she says.

Runaway husband? No, lower than a snakes belly, he slid away, congratulating himself on the ease at which he was able to extract himself from this awful marriage which was diminshing him.

Bastard.

I'm fine otherwise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Entirely unreasonably and without foundation, it's hard nontheless to dread that this may have opened the door to his getting his (sockless) feet back under the table with DD.

I've left her alone to return his phone call to her about the Man U thing. Am i stupid or what? Should've left well alone........

Nah, not stupid.

He's just told DD that he now needs to talk to me about a ped. Well he's got fuck-all chance of that happening unless he wants the thursday sock stuffed down his throat! Oh and what do you know, an email has just arrived in my deleted box - only those from my blocked list go there.....

There, that's my rant of the day out of the way. I'm fine, I really am. It's getting easier and easier now the fog's lifting.

Thanks Minesa.

This book I bought has shaken things up a bit. (not sure I'll read any more of it)

The author bangs on and on about how sudden departure by H's marks their total disregard and lack of any emotions for their DW's - that nothing whatsoever stirs any feeling of remorse or guilt in them about what they have done to remove themselves. It talks about how hard you must work to break through the desire to just give in how every day you must work towards finding happiness. She talks about how he's already projecting all the good things into OW that once were projected onto me, that this new life is for him the life he has been 'deprived of' whilst mounting up resentments against me - and in order not to shatter this, he continues to pour everything into her so she doesn't also let him down.

She suggests all kinds of things to get through the stages of shock and acceptance - yet reading it actually made it more shocking again.

I struggle to identify where I am in the process. I'm angry and that's good and healthy, but so, so scared I'm acting the victim. Am I?

I speak every day in countless ways to people who have no emotional investment with me and it's fine, it's a two way process. But doing this with him is still not acceptable to me and I won't do it. Does this mean I still can't do this on my own? These questions kind of make me smile. The author of this book talks about an endless and fruitless search for meaning which you just have to stop doing and find your own. I don't need him to provide answers for me - his actions have done that already and for me the relationship we had is gone, I don't miss him at all in that respect. There are many ways in which life is loads better now, not least I know I'm not mad.

It's like a dialogue in my head which goes "don't be hard on yourself but get over it" and the two don't go hand in hand.

This isn't a whinge btw. It's a load of early morning verbals so I can leave it and get through the day. It's better for me to do this when I know one of you will read it than to write it in a letter that no-one will ever see.

Thanks for reading.

I had a lovely well-thought through reply written... then my computer crashed. .

Stand firm in your decision about having contact with him. You are not ready for that and you need to take your time to think about how to manage this.

One thing I was thinking is that some of these people who run away from family life are so utterly selfish. Yes they want the DCs and the status that goes with it, but when it comes to the drudge and hard work in bringing them up, the selflessness and support thats needed, they can't handle the sacrifice. They can't handle the effect it has on your relationship as your DCs grow up. Its much easier to ship out than to face the realities of growing up and being an adult with children. Parenting from a distance lets them opick and choose which bits they have to deal with.

I have to go for now. Stay strong and remember we are with you through this.

The book's ideas kind of make sense, it seems very unjust that he can think that way, and that he won't "see" how wrongly he has acted.

No, you are not acting the victim at all. Just dealing with everything.

I think DD is trying it on with respect to her 16th, thought you had already discussed the man u summer camp etc. and said no? When did the 16th become a present-fest-18th-style birthday anyway?! I think that stuff like she's requesting falls into the "you can have it once you get a job and pay for it yourself" category (but I'm hard like that, have worked since I was 14).

I am, for the first time (may be flamed!), going to give ptm the benefit of the doubt in trying to contact you to discuss DD's requests. Maybe he thinks that it'd be wrong to say yes to big things like she's asked for (involving not just cash but time away / ongoing expenses etc.) without consulting you. But he should use the proper channels for communication that you have provided him with, e.g. mediation, solicitor.

Sadly, she will need to get used to getting separate birthday gifts from her parents. If I were you I would explain this and say that you can't grant her requests due to financial circumstances. If she then wants to talk to her dad, she can. He will, though, need some indication of whether or not it is OK with you for her to have one of her requests, otherwise he'll be in a no-win situation iyswim.

I don't think it's unreasonable of you to continue to not engage with him on this kind of day-to-day stuff when he is not co-operating with respect to the big stuff (especially finances / his whereabouts / mediation etc.) It does make it hard on DD though, as there will be stuff like this where joint decision-making would be best.