OK, new beginnings, new thread, it WAS right to serve divorce papers!

[Wisedupwoman]

I asked the question - Am I right to serve the divorce papers on my chameleon-like but definitely cheating, lying, cruel and manipulative STBXH. You all said "YES". So I have. The story continues.........

So it may be that with my new job (does quick calculation) I will pay half the mortgage. That should give me the right to half the pension I'd have thought but I don't know really. And I should get maintenance at more like the CSA rate without them taking anything else from me, maybe.

oh but this is all speculation. It is helpful to know what your SHL said though because at least I know how it's worked out. and thanks.

If he stopped paying after six weeks of leaving, then he should have been paying the full whack for child maintenance from the date - end of. Get your solicitor to get it sorted and back dated - my sol. said they based it on csa money. When DD was small did you stop working? Did you stay at home? I did, and I left a good career to do so. So SHL is saying she will get me spousal maintenance for this.

Before DD, I was doing my degree. I relied on grants for this. I graduated and then DD was born. When DD was born I stayed at home until she was about 6 months but had to go to work because we had no money and 3 DC's (two of mine from previous rel) - he was on a fairly low wage then. But his career took off whilst I was starting out and mine took much longer because I retrained which took my income right down again and then as a nurse I started out as a basic grade.
Because he was then doing two jobs I did the bulk of the childcare for all three DC's while they were young, as well as working myself.
I have never earned enough contributions to get more than a basic state pension because I've been child-raising most of my adult life (the way they are spread out - 30, 27 and 15).

My Sol also said he thought we could go for spousal maintenance. Oh it's so depressing.

Have you tried posting for financial advice on the Wikivorce forums?

They have people on their who have been through similar situations as yourself and legal people on there. They'll even tell you if your solicitor is talking rubbish.

You will get honest and impartial advice and it should put your mind at rest.

No that can't be right either. If I earn half his salary then paying half the mortgage takes proportionately more of my pay than it does his, or am I mad?
Wellnerfermind I'll try that I think, otherwise I'll drive you all and me mad tonight.

Hello wisedupwoman.

I have been following your threads and just wanted to say I think you are doing amazingly well with the whole situation.

I haven't posted before as I have no experience of this type of situation and you are getting fab advice from many people, however I can help with your last Q on proportions of the mortgage.

If you earn half the amount your ex does then you earn proportionally one third of your 'joint' income so you should be paying one third and he two thirds of the mortgage.

Hope that helps

I've never heard anything about this mortgage split.

Surely all the bank are interested in is whoevers name is on the mortgage pays it.

When you divorce you will probably be awarded the house, you will get part of or all the equity. If you get spousal maintenance (and it is an if) you could use that to pay the mortgage.

How much he earns, how much you earn and debts all come into it.

Bwsically if you can't pay it, you have to sell it.

He will have to pay 15% of his salary in child support.

I know I've said this before Wisey, so don't shoot the messenger, cos I know your head is spinning - but you need to think hard about progressing with your current solicitor. You should, by what you've said on here, get spousal maintenance. You should, because he left and there's another woman, get him to pay your costs. You should definitely get half his pension, and he should be paying from the date he walked full child maintenance. Sort this out on Monday, get arrears back dated. And he should be paying the larger part of mortgage. I have no doubt about that (and I've got the paperwork, legal advice (even after 3 weeks and 1 consultation with SHL to back it up).

I don't see how unless you've been to court or the CSA he's obliged to pay anything.

Did your solicitor mention ancillary relief?

He's obliged to pay the mortgage as he's a contract with the mortgage company.

Believe me morals and behavior have no bearing in any of this.

pink when I went to collect my DD it occurred to me that this must be the case, so I'm really pleased you said that. thank you for reminding me I'm doing fine (at work we take that to mean Fucked-up, Insecure, Neurotic and Exhausted).

Have visited Wikivorce and am fairly sure I could get spousal maintenance too.
Wellnerfermind he has an obligation in law as a parent to support his child as do I. Our marriage is also a legal contract and therefore he also has an obligation toward me until we have reached a settlement and are divorced. I don't need to appeal to morality - indeed, I'd be wasting my time if I did!

Saffy - great, great post, thank you. You got all kind of stern and matronly with me, I like that! I'll ring on Monday, first thing.

You can whinge as much as you like - it's your thread .

Morning. Well I certainly did that, didn't I?

You had every right to have a whinge love! The way my solicitor explained the mortgage stuff was: Think about when you go to the building society to get a mortgage - they give so times so much to the greater earner, then a lesser proportion to the lower earner (the amount you can borrow). So, even if a joint owner doesn't live in the property, he is still liable for the larger amount - as he was the "first" on the mortgage. So, in my case, most of our mortgage was based on his income. (Actually I wasn't working when we moved here - I was doing my OU degree and bringing up 4 kids). So, just because Lycra-man has gone the building society don't care. I could say, yes, you pay me XXX for maintenance etc., and I will cover the mortgage. Then, things get tight financially for me - so I default on the mortgage - so the Building Society go after him - as the main earner/borrower.

Now, in your case, if you earn less, then you should pay less. If you take over the whole mortgage, then the above applies to you, as it does me.

My circumstances are similar to yours re: spousal maintenance. I actually earnt more than Lycra man when we married; he moved into my house that I'd bought and I carried on paying the larger percentage, if not all, of everything for 3 years. Then when ES came along, I gave up work. My solicitor says that I therefore stopped paying into a pension. So I can have spousal maintenance (she is in no doubt about it whatsover) because I gave up work, as we both agreed, to bring up a large family. Then I got my degree, trained as a mental health nurse, and only worked part-time. This suited Lycra Man and me - we never saw the point of having kids and paying someone else to bring them up.

Change your lawyer, Wisey! Or give him a rocket!

Oh, must just say, Lycra man popped round to pick up YS this morning, me and daughter convinced he's either had a spray tan (a nice shade of tango) or he's jaundiced.

Back on the fags and not at all sorry - whatever it takes.

Saffysmum what is your sol's hourly rate because I owe her money, clearly!

This is taking a long time purely because hanky-man isn't where he says he is and the letters from the sol just aren't getting to him quickly so we can't do anything. I don't even know if he will agree to pay for the mediation yet, we are (unbelievably) still not agreed on that! It occurs that I might just ask to see the mediator alone (this hasn't been offered) if I don't hear anything by the end of this week (which allows two and a half weeks since the last letter went out).

Since I paid almost £100 to trace him to his actual address I'm becoming more inclined to just start sending mail which comes to the house to where he is to blow the illusion that he's living alone. This gamble may pay off and he might then allow my sol to write to him there. Unfortunately (and again, unbelievably) the sol cannot use the traced address unless hanky-man tells him himself that's where he's living.

Why is he dragging his feet? It is beyond my comprehension now. He agrees to the divorce, fine. But I can't divorce him without the settlement in place. I'd have thought it is in his interests to make the journey to where the letters go so we can get started and finished as soon as possible. This is, after all, what he wanted FFS!

our stories are similar Saffy yes. Where I think I might have played it wrongly was in cutting him out. It seems to be suiting him more than me now but I'm too proud to go back on my decision.

Or has lycra-man been tangoed, perchance

Maybe he did get the letters but is pretending he didn't. XH did that when there was no question what his address was, given that I was also living in it and saw him on a daily basis, unfortunately. He even asked me when I thought the letter would arrive - whilst all the time having it squirrelled away upstairs.

Well if he's avoiding this I can only assume it's not all turning out the way he'd envisaged, whatever that was/is .

Actually I had to LOL at your post Annie - a squirrel who acts like an ostrich

Wisey - I don't think you did the wrong thing at all cutting him out. I don't think you'd be any further forward, but would have had to deal with his mind fucks as well.

I think he's avoiding mediation because the settlement is surely going to cost him more than he's contributing now?

I don't see why your sol can't send the papers to the traced address and not the one he's give - did he say why?

Do you think it's worth going for a free half hour with another solicitor?

Hi, I'm back!! (lovely holiday )

Its really interesting reading a whole week's stuff all in one go. Wisey, you are still very up and down but that is only to be expected and here is the best place to work through all of those unsettling emotions!!

As it goes, I think the head in the sand thing is totally par for the course. These type of men have never operated in the real world so why expect them to now??? Ever since they were 5 and mummy did everything for them, they have never had to face up to anything.

The very same reasonable sort of behaviour you are expecting now is what has been lacking all this time and is exactly the reason why he ended up blowing the marriage out of the water...

Very profound, MigratingCoconuts.

Evening all and welcome back Migrating, you look refreshed!

I asked why he can't and he said he's just not allowed to in Family Law - it's not best practice.

So far I haven't had any free half hours. I really don't think it's about the sol, I think it's soon-to-be-without-his-hanky-pants playing mind-fuck games of the financial sort - like I said, that's where his emotional life lies.

I think also that this avoidance, if it continues, will be used by sol to plea to the court that mediation couldn't go ahead - he warned me in the beginning that this sort of thing would happen.

It is rather ironic now that i want to get it started for my own peace of mind he is being the artful dodger. And of course lets not forget he may just not be giving it a high priority, he's out, he's got other things to think about so why focus on the bad stuff? Can't say I blame him, it's all rather shit from my point of view.

Can't say I blame him, it's all rather shit from my point of view.

facing up to it is what sorts the women from the boys.......

Hi wisey, ladies, wow, lots going as ever!

Agree that your sol should argue that ptm is being obstructive, hence mediation not a realistic option. Maybe he is avoiding letters for financial reasons, and to confuse and unsettle you (in the hope that you will get fed up and accept whatever he offers you). Grrr.

Re the finances, know nothing about all this stuff, but think it would be good to do some hard-headed thinking, with the best info possible from financial (incl pension?) and legal advisors and divorce fora. Don't agree to anything suggested by ptm until you have had a chance to go through it properly with independent advisors. Pension is v important imo.

Keep doing what you're doing!

Have not read your last two posts because I want to point you in the direction of Beyonce 'Girls Run the World' on you tube. DD just showed it to me "on purpose Mum" - it's amazing.

It just has to be something about MNers that great (female) minds think alike and you're passing it through me into DD.

I'm ready to face it, and him.

it's always been this way between us, you know. one of us is always in the 'one-down' position while the other picks up the pieces, except this time someone else will need to play that part instead of me.