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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He got me arrested - do I forgive?

143 replies

Presto · 12/11/2005 17:52

DH returns from a night out with his parents and asks for £10 for the taxi, he had clearly been drinking alot. He walks past me and sits at the computer with his back to me. I ask him tomorrow?s plans and to confirm that he and his parents are looking after our daughter, shrugs his shoulders and grunts. I go over and ask him to answer me and face me he then says menacingly ?my parents are not here to do child care, they are here to see me, so FUCK off? (as which time he thrusts his two fingers almost in my eyes, I felt intimidated and very upset.
He then goes into the shed outside for a cigarette, I follow to remonstrate, we argue, he then walks into the house with a lit cigarette and I ask him not to smoke in the house ? we tussle and we both push and shove at which point I bit him on the arm.
He immediately says ?right that?s it you have assaulted me I?m calling the police. He calls the police and also my parents and says ?this conversation is being taped ?.come and take your daughter away?. As a result I call his parents and his dad tell me to ?sort out my own problems?
11.45pm Police and my parents arrive. We are both questioned (I am in nighty & dressing gown)
Jeremy insists on pressing charges. My parents ask him about the ?taped? conversation, he admits lying. My parents leave (Dad is feeling very shaken & I insist I will be fine) the PC says he has ?no intention? of arresting me.
The police allow me to go to bed. Approximately 45 minutes later despite much discussion with the police DH still insists they arrest me and I am awoken by the two policemen in my room telling me to get up and get dressed. I am driven away at 1.30am from my house leaving my three little children asleep- thankfully they did not wake up throughout this dreadful episode. On leaving I say to DH ?are you happy now? and he tells me to ?reflect on what I?ve done?. The policeman is in disbelief that a man could do this to his wife.
My father picks me up at the police station.

He is now remorseful and we are in counselling - problems have been brewing for 18 months. Do I try to forgive him or tell him to leave? We have 3 kids aged 7,5 and 1.

OP posts:
nutcracker · 12/11/2005 17:55

I am gobsmacked. Ok so you were wrong to bite him, but I am stunned at his attitude and what he did afterwards.

If it were me in that position then there is no way I could forgive him.

Loobie · 12/11/2005 18:02

Show him the door immediately he sounds like a total utter tosspot!!!

mancmum · 12/11/2005 18:03

I would tell him to leave... what man would put his wife thru this and expect her to stay? He needs to do some serious work on himself if he thinks he is worthy of a relationship...

what example does this set for your kids in the future... I always think that once there are kids, their needs need to be put first and this is no role model ...

Willow2 · 12/11/2005 18:04

I am so shocked that I don't really know what to say, other than that would be the end of it for me, I'm afraid.

kama · 12/11/2005 18:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

steph1974 · 12/11/2005 18:05

Was he still drunk when he insisted the police arrest you?Of course people do things when drunk that they wouldnt normally do,maybe he regrets it now or was he sober by then,in which case....what a tosser!

collision · 12/11/2005 18:05

Bye bye DH.

I could never forgive him.

Sorry.

blueteddy · 12/11/2005 18:06

Message withdrawn

noddyholder · 12/11/2005 18:06

Read your post yourself and imagine what you would say if it was another poster.No one should be living like this Where is the love and trust in this relationship It sounds a nightmare esp as you are involving both sets of parents there is a ripple effect and lots of people are being hurt Get out now

flamesparrow · 12/11/2005 18:06

In answer to the title - NO!!!

Pinotmum · 12/11/2005 18:06

I'd have asked him to leave I'm afraid - what a tw*t he is!

macwoozy · 12/11/2005 18:08

I've got to agree with everyone else, couldn't forgive that.

steph1974 · 12/11/2005 18:08

I think forgiving him all depends on if you get to the bottom of why he did it,maybe there is a deep rooted problem which has lead to this,it is definately out of order but I wouldnt say at this point do not forgive him until you have tried to get to the reason why he did it if indeed there was a reason.

WigWamBam · 12/11/2005 18:09

What a thoroughly nasty piece of work - I wouldn't want him anywhere near me or the kids after behaving like that. You'd be well rid, imo.

foundintranslation · 12/11/2005 18:11

After 45 mins discussion (ie plenty of time to cool down from a heat-of-the-moment action) he still insisted on them getting you out of bed and arresting you
I'm with the policeman - disbelief. Drink's no excuse.
Yes, the bite was a bad idea but it sounds a bit like you were trying to get free of him?
When was the incident? Sounds like you are having trouble forgiving and I don't blame you. I would have a lot of difficulties living with/trusting someone who'd done that to me.

kama · 12/11/2005 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Caligula · 12/11/2005 18:15

This sounds like a set-up to me. I'd tread very, very carefully right now. You are now on record as being a perpetrator of domestic violence, and although that often means nothing as regards contact rights for men, for a woman, that could be the difference between having care and control of your children if and when you divorce.

I don't want to frighten you, but I think you need to think very carefully about whether this is the right time to split from him. If he's engineered a situation where a court will look at you as some kind of unstable person, he's quite clever. Be very careful. If I were you, I'd get some legal advice.

Caligula · 12/11/2005 18:17

Oh and as for do I forgive - I don't really see how you can, unless there's a major counselling process where you are very honest with each other and it comes out positive. (People can get over things like this, but imo, and sorry to sound so disempowering, usually not without professional help)

doormat · 12/11/2005 18:18

what if it was your dh who did this to you
would you have him arrested?????

prettyfly1 · 12/11/2005 18:21

please, this man sounds like a controlling maniplative bully. get out. fr the sake of your children and yourself. was the councelling before or after this incidentally

aloha · 12/11/2005 18:25

I would be divorced by now. I am absolutely and completely stunned. I could NOT forgive this. Sorry. This is my instant reaction. Mind you, I would also have told the police that he was trying to beat me up/rape me, hence the bite, and got HIM arrested rather than be taken away from my children in the middle of the night. Appalling.
Given the ages of your children, I suppose I should say I hope you work it out, but I am too horrified to do so.
I am also horrified that the police arrested you. If he was drunk and aggressive they should have arrested him IMO.

SoupDragon · 12/11/2005 18:26

I was wondering what the advice would be had this been where a husband had bitten his wife...

aloha · 12/11/2005 18:27

I've read this again. Sod the counselling. He's a monster. An absolute monster.

HRHWickedwaterwitch · 12/11/2005 18:30

I've only read your first post but I'd be out of there pronto. What an awful man he sounds, how terrible.

WigWamBam · 12/11/2005 18:31

SoupDragon, I think the biting was ill-advised, but don't you think that there are bigger issues here than the bite? I know I do.

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