He got me arrested - do I forgive?

[Presto]

DH returns from a night out with his parents and asks for £10 for the taxi, he had clearly been drinking alot. He walks past me and sits at the computer with his back to me. I ask him tomorrow?s plans and to confirm that he and his parents are looking after our daughter, shrugs his shoulders and grunts. I go over and ask him to answer me and face me he then says menacingly ?my parents are not here to do child care, they are here to see me, so FUCK off? (as which time he thrusts his two fingers almost in my eyes, I felt intimidated and very upset.
He then goes into the shed outside for a cigarette, I follow to remonstrate, we argue, he then walks into the house with a lit cigarette and I ask him not to smoke in the house ? we tussle and we both push and shove at which point I bit him on the arm.
He immediately says ?right that?s it you have assaulted me I?m calling the police. He calls the police and also my parents and says ?this conversation is being taped ?.come and take your daughter away?. As a result I call his parents and his dad tell me to ?sort out my own problems?
11.45pm Police and my parents arrive. We are both questioned (I am in nighty & dressing gown)
Jeremy insists on pressing charges. My parents ask him about the ?taped? conversation, he admits lying. My parents leave (Dad is feeling very shaken & I insist I will be fine) the PC says he has ?no intention? of arresting me.
The police allow me to go to bed. Approximately 45 minutes later despite much discussion with the police DH still insists they arrest me and I am awoken by the two policemen in my room telling me to get up and get dressed. I am driven away at 1.30am from my house leaving my three little children asleep- thankfully they did not wake up throughout this dreadful episode. On leaving I say to DH ?are you happy now? and he tells me to ?reflect on what I?ve done?. The policeman is in disbelief that a man could do this to his wife.
My father picks me up at the police station.

He is now remorseful and we are in counselling - problems have been brewing for 18 months. Do I try to forgive him or tell him to leave? We have 3 kids aged 7,5 and 1.

I think Caligula is right - it's all very well to ask "what if it was the other way round?" but actually I find it very hard to imagine this situation the other way round. I have known women who bully their partners but the partners either leave or don't even try to fight their corner.

fwiw though if it was the other way round, my sympathy would be with the man (unless the bite drew blood I think). the situation that presto describes involves a very very nasty vindictive bully. I can imagine that I would have reacted the way she did (well, I would have tried to hit out but am, possibly fortunately, a great weakling).

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couldnt forgive him and cant believe he has done this to you. Cant believe the Police had to arrest you at 1.30am anyway - they could have waited until a more respectable time.

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I do hope the counselling goes well, Presto.

tbh, I think if I was asking 'can I forgive him?' of this man, it would start with the previous nastiness and uninviting your parents etc It does sound as if there is a lot to sort out, and that he was being very hostile to you.

He sounds very cold, the three days IS unbelievavble, as id the making the police stay 45 misn - he can't have been in fear of you, or anything like that.

Anyway, I do hope you get something from the counselling.

Presto, do seek legal advice. If he now regrets having you arrested, then why can't he contact the police and make sure there's an official record that he recognises his behaviour was OTT and there was actually no reason for an arrest, that you'd both been pushing and shoving? At least that might help if he is trying to set you up for a custody battle. But get some legal advice.

Presto, only you can decide if he's truly remorseful. Are you sorry you bit him?

I find it hard to think about what I would do, because I can't imagine DH behaving like that, not the swearing, the menacing behaviour or the fighting - frankly, if I'd been in that situation, I'd probably have done far worse than bite him. I have a shocking temper though. But I am not violent - largely, I suspect, because I am aware of what I am capable of and what the consequences would be and because I live with a very placid man.

Jailbird and - you poor thing. What a horrible experience

Jailbird
You're a bigger person than I am. If my mother EVER pulled a stunt like that and got my child taken from me, not only would I never see her again (nor allow my child to) but also would I never speak to her again. Ever.

Forgiveness is one thing, not being able to trust her is another entirely.

I'm truly flabbergasted by how some folks act when they drink. I used to drink WAY too much. Every day. It never resulted in violence, involved the police, etc.

If that's how it winds up for some folks, I'd strongly suggest they get some counselling and perhaps not drink any more.

I agree with Expat Jailbird. I'd consider anyone who did that to me an enemy and cut off all contact. I could just never trust her again.

Just finished reading the whole thread and... I have to say that I agree with many people here, if DH did something like that to me, that would be it unless... we have had several "push and shove" episodes in the past initiated by ME.

If the last were the case I would welcome anger management counseling to deal with the problem, but still seek legal advice to know ehre do I stand.

Blu is absolutely and completely spot on -
'it's not like he was afraid of her' - PRECISELY!

He got her arrested despite the fact that she was sleeping in bed and no threat to him AT ALL.

That is exactly what is so vile about this.

And also, Aloha, he knew he'd been vile to her and that it had been a 50/50 fight. And then he waited THREE days afterwards. Saying what?!

As I have said the police counsellor was categorical with me in any case that women are usually only violent when they are provoked beyond bearing. THere is plenty of evidence for this and men who are violent and abusive often say the women they are with are the ones who are violent.

WHat we do as is shown by this post is beat ourselves up about it. Men dont (usually) they are pretty cold when they are violent and abusive. It is hard to come to terms with this when you love someone and care about them deeply no matter what they have done but to sort it out women have to face the fact that the men they love are deeply unpleasant and manipulative. We forgive too often.

Sorry, admit I haven't read all the way through but if you don't know if you love or hate him, could you orchestrate just a couple of weeks apart to see how you feel?

I am struggling to imagine an argument between dp and me resulting in him having me arrested.
Not something I could forgive and forget. Nah.
I don't really understand how it all began either. Why would he behave like that after a night out with his parents?
What do your parents say on the matter?
And I just don't agree that women being violent towards men is the same as the other way round - that argument is far too simplistic for me.
However, it does sound like it all got out of hand and he realises that now.
God knows - not sure I can give advice. Only you know if the relationship is worth saving.
What happend 18 months ago to spark it off?
OK rambling now!

Glitterfairy, I had a friend whose husband left her with a black eye after an argument about his mother. We all, who knew he was rather weird, thought he was the one in fault, however I was deeply surprised when having a conversation about it with her, she told me she was so angry withthat she said spiteful things about his mother, when he didn't react to her comments she threw a glass ashtray to his head, he didn't react even when he was hit by it, so my friend, who was furious with his lack of response to her anger took a small side table from the living room and hit him with it on his back. That was when he punched her... and still there she was telling me all that and saying she would had never expected a man, a real one, would hit her back!

So, it may be that woman only attack when they are pushed to the limits, but what those limits are are depending in the personality and circumstances of each woman.

Obviously, with this post I'm not saying that is Presto's fault, just that some woman as man, can be violent. Though how often that happens it's another story.

Domestic violence against men is more common than most peopl think. It's just that there is such a stigma attached (far more so than male DV towards women) that few men own up to it. One Mori poll I found seemed to suggest that 18% of men had suffered DV at the hands of their female partner.

Not that I'm suggesting that Presto is subjecting her DH to domestic violence!! It was just a general comment.

would just like to ask
if I was really horrible to dh, caused a row, told him to f off, intimidated him and then pushed and shoved him
would he be justified in biting me???
and should I have him arrested???

doormat - if you were physically stronger than him, then...maybe he would be justified.

see caligula's posts on why male and female domestic violence are not usually alike (though they can be quite alike imo)

I think it is much, much harder for a woman to frighten a man than the other way round. It's just not something you can say, oh, if was the other way round it would be equal.
Calling someone a white bitch is not the same as calling someone a nigger either.
I would have to go after my husband with an axe to scare him. He could scare me very easily if he chose to. I hasten to add that he doesn't!
Presto's husband was NOT scared of her. He wasn't frightened that she would knock him to the ground and kick her senseless, or rape him.

In fact, he seethed about it for ages afterwards and had her pulled out of bed where she was posing no threat to him.

senora thanx, read caligulas post and do agree to a point but male abuse does go on etc
not knocking presto here btw
just intrigued really at peoples responses

Very much agree with Aloha and Caligula here.

Yer man was not scared or intimidated by Presto, it seems he was the one scaring and intimidating her. Things are not black and white, you can't say oh no, she bit him therefore she is a domestic abuser, etc etc... (am assuming here that she probably left a few teeth marks, didn't tear off his flesh!) It was a tussle.

I say out. What a fuckwit.

Sorry I could never forgive that. What the hell were the police doing leaving children in the charge of someone obviously off his face.