He got me arrested - do I forgive?

[Presto]

DH returns from a night out with his parents and asks for £10 for the taxi, he had clearly been drinking alot. He walks past me and sits at the computer with his back to me. I ask him tomorrow?s plans and to confirm that he and his parents are looking after our daughter, shrugs his shoulders and grunts. I go over and ask him to answer me and face me he then says menacingly ?my parents are not here to do child care, they are here to see me, so FUCK off? (as which time he thrusts his two fingers almost in my eyes, I felt intimidated and very upset.
He then goes into the shed outside for a cigarette, I follow to remonstrate, we argue, he then walks into the house with a lit cigarette and I ask him not to smoke in the house ? we tussle and we both push and shove at which point I bit him on the arm.
He immediately says ?right that?s it you have assaulted me I?m calling the police. He calls the police and also my parents and says ?this conversation is being taped ?.come and take your daughter away?. As a result I call his parents and his dad tell me to ?sort out my own problems?
11.45pm Police and my parents arrive. We are both questioned (I am in nighty & dressing gown)
Jeremy insists on pressing charges. My parents ask him about the ?taped? conversation, he admits lying. My parents leave (Dad is feeling very shaken & I insist I will be fine) the PC says he has ?no intention? of arresting me.
The police allow me to go to bed. Approximately 45 minutes later despite much discussion with the police DH still insists they arrest me and I am awoken by the two policemen in my room telling me to get up and get dressed. I am driven away at 1.30am from my house leaving my three little children asleep- thankfully they did not wake up throughout this dreadful episode. On leaving I say to DH ?are you happy now? and he tells me to ?reflect on what I?ve done?. The policeman is in disbelief that a man could do this to his wife.
My father picks me up at the police station.

He is now remorseful and we are in counselling - problems have been brewing for 18 months. Do I try to forgive him or tell him to leave? We have 3 kids aged 7,5 and 1.

Hi Presto onyl read a bit of this so forgive me if I go over old Having been seen by a police counsellor and relate after an incident where Dh assaulted me and said I had provoked him by pushing his things out of the door I can say they both told me that when women attack men there is a lot of research and evidence to suggest that this is only when they have been pushed to their absolute limits or feel threatened. The problem is that they said women taken to these extremes tend to kill!

Anyway aloha is right forgiving is up to you but dont beat yourself up at all about any decisions you make.

I would simply say it was self defence and he was attacking me and I had reason to be afraid of him as he had been violent before. If there was the slightest question of losing my kids i would say absolutely anything. But I don't think there is. Babies are almost never taken away from their mothers, even if they are heroin addicts with criminal records.

As aloha says you are the only one who can decided if you can forgive him.

It sounds like there are deeper issues regarding your parents and him being horrid which I do not know about to be able to judge.

I still think that violence it wrong. Smoking in the house, univiting people to a meal and being horrid do not justify violence.

Have you apologised to him for what you did?

Aloha, why would you say these things if there was no previous history? As far as I am aware it was a one off and he was the one assaulted?.

I think this is pretty unreasonable. It could end up with him being deined acess to his children, why should he be.

I also think it is insulting to women who do go through abuse and violence.

This is why some men end up so bitter and angry that they do stupid things like joining fathers 4 justice.

Hell Fire! That's where my DH would be if he'd done that to me. There'd be no forgiveness. No excuse that he was drunk and from what I gather the tussle was a fifty fifty thing. So he should have been arrested to. What a git!

Lying about it now won't help. Why do you think this would help?? Things could simply turn nastier with him saying all sorts of things exaggerating the incident and he is the one who is on record as having been assaulted. I assume a statement was taken at the time too which wouldn't match with any lies told now?

I am also amazed at how differently this would be taken had the sexes been reversed. Would you be advising her DH to lie about it being self defense if he had bitten her at the end of the incident? I'm not taking sides at all - I certainly don't countenance his behaviour at all

Neither Presto nor her DH have behaved well on this occasion which is why I personally think they need to focus on the other underlying problems before trying to deal with this incident.

FWIW, a friend of mine did lose custody of her 2yo son and there was no violence involved.

A 'tussle' sounds 50/50 to me. He was bitten, once. She didn't cut his bloody leg off. She was at the end of her tether. Frustrated and isolated and being horribly bullied.
He called the police, had her arrested and taken away from her small children in the middle of the night leaving them with a drunken, angry man - all done quite cold-bloodedly. He left her with the charges hanging over her for THREE DAYS.
He said 'Reflect on what you've done' as if she was a child as she was taken away from her home in the small hours. He sound vile, vindictive, aggressive, controlling, and psychopathic to me.
But hey, if Presto wants to make a go of it for the sake of her family, it has to be decision. My personal decision would be made. But I KNOW my dh would never do this to me in a million years.

what a tit. I ceratinly would not be forgiving him but thats me

If there as any question of my losing my kids to a violent bully, I would lie my head off without a single qualm.
I do not expect there to be any need for it as I doubt this horrible man would want to take on responsibility for his children, but my god, if there was any question of losing my kids to someone like him, I would lie and lie and lie.

Everytime I read the first post I want to go off POP! with fury tbh. Probably best for my blood pressure to get off this thread!

Quite. Me too.

I also think that re the domestic violence issue, pretending that female on male domestic violence is exactly the same as male on female domestic violence, is simply wrong. There's loads of research to show that the causes, effects and issues are simply different and the two shouldn't be treated as if they're exactly the same. Lots of men, of course, would be delighted if it were, as it could then ignore the different physical capabilities, the economic, social and psychological factors which are involved and the systematic nature of much domestic violence. I just don't think it adds much to our understanding, to pretend that a one off lunatic biting incident is the same as a systematic campaign of intimidation and undermining which is the precursor to much male on female domestic violence. There's just no comparison.

erm so her assulting him doesn't make her violent? Presto has not said this was self-defence but that she was angry and frustrated.

Where is the limit? A bite, a split lip, a black eye, a broken nose??? Sorry officer he was smoking in the house, cancelled my parents for dinner and was a drunkly abusive, but didn't hurt me so I stabbed him 30 times, that's OK dear it's just a domestic!

People do stupid thing when drunk that doesn't make them coldblooded.

Many people get drunk and look after their kids but he's a bad man for being drunk.

A man hurts his wife - he is not to be trusted with his children.

A woman hurts her husband - oh that's ok she won't hurt her kids.

He wasn't drunk for 3 days Kathlean.

And yes, women hitting men and men hitting women are different. Have a look on the Women's Aid website. They've done masses of research about it.

sorry, have only read your original post but here are my initial reactions from the o/s looking in.

sounds like he was looking for an excuse to make the shit hit the fan - all over your and he finally provoked you into it. His parents have been in on the game with him for a long time now. Send him back to mummy and dada. Sounds like they want their little boy back. I'd say separate until you can both decide with professional help what ought to be done next. I would not be hopeful for getting back together as the likliest outcome.

I absoltely could not forgive that behaviour!

Forgive me if it's been asked, (i haven't read the whole thread), but did the police leave your children with him, drunk?

i quickly scanned some posts and did not see if the issue that the police left children in the care of a drunk and angry man. I would contact a childcare charity and enquire if they could legally do that. If they shouldn't then I would consider filing a complaint against the police.

If it were me, I would now be looking at "covering all my bases". Whilst deciding whether the relationship can recover/having counselling etc etc I would also see a solicitor and plan out what you want/need to happen in the event of a split.

If the relationship can recover, fine, if not, then you have considered carefully what you will do.

Sorry I didn't make myslf clear. I realise he wasn't drunk for 3 days (-:

He was left drunk with the children that night someone said. All I was saying is that doesn't mean he is a bad person or incapable of looking after his children. He wasn't planning on looking after them drunk but lots of men and women either single or as couples get drunk when their children are in bed.

What is the limit for a woman to hurt a man? Why is it more acceptable even laughed at?? I just don't get why it is EVER acceptable male or female. IMO IT IS WRONG either way round be it a one of provoked or a systematic long term abuse.

Why does it mean he is an unfit father but she is not an unfit mother?

I am just frustrated that someone could suggest lying. Would you lie to the children as well and tell them their daddy was a violent git? I don't believe that is right either. No wonder there are so many problems with seperated/divorced couples. I just think it's a sad state of life when people are willing to resort to this. Perhaps it it time to give up hope for society )-:

I think we have strayed off the orignal aim of the post though. (-:

The original post did not make clear that there were deeper underlying issues. These again IMO are far more important that a single incident and need to be dealt with.

If Presto had explained more regarding the build up her reaction may have been more understandable. Still not right though, does that make sense?

I should think Kathlean that there are underlying issues. presto stated that they have been having difficulties for 18 mos. Yes, this incident is a culmination of a lot of those building stresses. I am not suggesting that he was incapable of looking after the kids after drinking. I am stating that the POLICE left children in the care of someone who was angry and drunk. Wife's description seemed to suggest v. drunk. The police had a duty of care to those kids too. Yes it is a grey area which is why I suggested contacting a child care charity first to find out information about what the police should have done regarding the children.

Hi
Thanks all for your posts. I will now retire from this thread as I need to digest all that has been said and decide how to go forward. We are seeing the counsellor tomorrow and I will also seek legal advice.

Alux, they can't do that! Not if he was drunk.

My mother and stepfather had me arrested. No one knows about this, not even my sisters. I can truly sympathise. I still don't completely trust my mother, even after 4 years, and suppose I never really will. No charges were pressed but I was imprisoned for 24 hours. They took my 8 mo old dd away from me & gave her to my stepfather to care for. I thought my heart would break. When I got her back, she was starving, wet & neglected. I have never, ever been through anything as terrible. My mother apparently told the police that I had pushed her down the stairs when we had been arguing. They knew from where she was found that this was physically impossible. She actually threw herself on the floor & broke her hip. Both she & my stepfather had been drinking. It hurts even now to talk about it.

Kathlean I don't think anyone's arguing that it's OK for women to use violence any more than it is for men.

Just that the social, economic and psychological context in which they do, and the effects on their families and their victims are very, very different, and it's just too simplistic to say that society's responses should be exactly the same to two very different scenarios.

Good luck with the counselling tomorrow Presto. And do keep that appointment with the legal advisor!

Message withdrawn

Presto

Please don't think I was getting at you in anyway.

I wish you all the best for your counselling and whatever you decided to do.