He got me arrested - do I forgive?

[Presto]

DH returns from a night out with his parents and asks for £10 for the taxi, he had clearly been drinking alot. He walks past me and sits at the computer with his back to me. I ask him tomorrow?s plans and to confirm that he and his parents are looking after our daughter, shrugs his shoulders and grunts. I go over and ask him to answer me and face me he then says menacingly ?my parents are not here to do child care, they are here to see me, so FUCK off? (as which time he thrusts his two fingers almost in my eyes, I felt intimidated and very upset.
He then goes into the shed outside for a cigarette, I follow to remonstrate, we argue, he then walks into the house with a lit cigarette and I ask him not to smoke in the house ? we tussle and we both push and shove at which point I bit him on the arm.
He immediately says ?right that?s it you have assaulted me I?m calling the police. He calls the police and also my parents and says ?this conversation is being taped ?.come and take your daughter away?. As a result I call his parents and his dad tell me to ?sort out my own problems?
11.45pm Police and my parents arrive. We are both questioned (I am in nighty & dressing gown)
Jeremy insists on pressing charges. My parents ask him about the ?taped? conversation, he admits lying. My parents leave (Dad is feeling very shaken & I insist I will be fine) the PC says he has ?no intention? of arresting me.
The police allow me to go to bed. Approximately 45 minutes later despite much discussion with the police DH still insists they arrest me and I am awoken by the two policemen in my room telling me to get up and get dressed. I am driven away at 1.30am from my house leaving my three little children asleep- thankfully they did not wake up throughout this dreadful episode. On leaving I say to DH ?are you happy now? and he tells me to ?reflect on what I?ve done?. The policeman is in disbelief that a man could do this to his wife.
My father picks me up at the police station.

He is now remorseful and we are in counselling - problems have been brewing for 18 months. Do I try to forgive him or tell him to leave? We have 3 kids aged 7,5 and 1.

The reflect on what you have done thing is what I would be wary of. I suspect that that attitude is very very deep rooted and probably insurrmountable.

sorry, i couldn't 'forgive' this. i'd have dumped him like a hot brick and never looked back. sounds like a tosser w/an alcohol and anger management problem.

Not sure about the "self defense" argument - that would depend where his arm was when she bit it. If she grabbed hold of it and bit, then no... if it was (say) across her face/neck then yes. Kicking is more of a self defense thing, biting can require you to pull the target into your face which isn't really a defensive move.

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Wow can't believe the response. This incident happened a month ago and I am having great trouble getting over it. Our relationship is not usually violent - has never been actually really. He has just come back from a week away and I can't even look at him. The kids and I had a lovely week. The thing is that they love him and he is a good Dad. He used to be my best friend but as is common with career, family - no time together we have lost sight of each other. I'm sure I have pissed him off - and he has pissed me off. He says that he just lost the plot that night and wishes it never happened. It would be better for the family if I forgave him I suppose, maybe I could learn to love him again, I just don't know. Has anyone else been in this position and forgiven?

don't think I could personally, but the issue is not that u feel forced into forgiving him etc or obliged to cos he's a good dad and the kids love him - the question is a) do u love him b) I think if as u say u've lost sigiht of each otehr u need to try and spend time together doing things - even if it's only a movie when the kids are asleep. try to 'find' each toehr again b4 u give up on things.

either way thou u owe it to urself to be happy not just to be there to keep everyone else happy iycwim.

what did the police say? It is very hard to forgive this one. Have the previous 18 mths been unusual or the usual couple problems?

A older friens said to me once if you stay with someome after a specific problem you have really got to put it to bed and never let it rear it's head again. That would be my problem I would nurse my sense of injustice and at every opportnity throw it in his face which I know would not be helpful.

WHat is the counsellor saying? Do you really think he wants your forgiveness?

Ok - the relationship has not been violent in the past so I'm assuming you don't really feel threatened at the moment... what about you agree to "forget" about the incident for (say) a month and spend that month getting to know each other again, spend time together ("date" each other if you like) and see what happens? At the end of that month, you may have a better idea which way the future lies and whether you can put this nasty little incident aside. Make it absolutely clear that if anything of a similar nature happens ever again, that is the end of the relationship, no more chances, end of story. If, at the end of the month you don't feel there is any future and that you can't forgive his behaviour (or he can't forgive your bite) then you'll have your answer.

I don't think it's entirely a case of whether you can forgive him but also whether you want to and whether that actually makes any difference to the future of the relationship (you could forgive him but still not want a future with him).

But all this only applies if you want to see if you have a future together. If you don't want to pursue it, end it now. If you don't feel safe, end it now.

At the end of the day, it's not what we would do that matters, it's what you want to do. As I see it, maybe some time spent concentrating on each other would give you the opportunity to work that out for yourselves. He has, undoubtedly, behaved like a complete w*nker on this occasion but only you can say if this is typical behaviour, a sign of things to come or a one off fuelled by alcohol and circumstance. Yes, it may be best for the family if you forgave him but this doesn't mean you ave to stay with him - if you can forgive him, split and remain amicable then that (IMHO) is going to be better for the family than staying together and only pretending to have forgiven him.

Without knowing anything other about your relationship I would personally leave, I would never be spoken to like that...
Also astonished the police would leave 3 children in the care of such a man while taking their mother away ...

I am seeing the good old DH creeping out but I am finding it really hard to stop myself sniping about the arrest (I'm in good company with the editor of the Sun - my brother thought that was amusing). I know he feels a prat about it and I wish I could have my memory erased about that evening. Maybe in a way it brought everything to a head and we need to work at our relationship or split. The thing is when we are alone and get talking about something we are both interested in we are great together. I wonder would an affair have been worse?
BTW he dropped the charges (after 3 days) and the police thought he was a twit but have a strict domestic violence policy.
I appreciate all your opinions and hope I can do the right thing.

Message withdrawn

he dropped the charges after 3 days!

this is horrible

for the sake of your kids you should get out now. That behaviour is not normal.

I think my must see a lawyer first before any talk of forgiveness. The worst thing about this for me is the fact he has something on record against you. Something that could mean he gets custody of your children.

It sounds like he wants to have this power over you. He had time to cool off, tell the police not to come, tell them not to arrest you, tell them to drop the charges. In each case he waited. I don't like that at all. And he wanted lots of witnesses - all those phone calls to parents - it sounds like he has an agenda IMO. The situation might not have been engineered exactly, but I agree with caligula, turquiouse, custardo etc that this is very much a legal matter.

I definitely would not leave him until I was sure I had custody of the children.

I do think soupdragon has asked some very fair questions. If you can work on your relatinship, and you genuinely still feel good about this man, then go ahead. You can do all this positive work while still seeing a lawer and making sure your back is covered.

If you get legal advice on how your husband can ensure your rights of custody are not threatened, get your husband to follow this through asap. Do not be waylaid by his wish to forgive and forget.

If you find you simply can't trust him after this episode, agree you should make plans to move him out.

Right before I start let me say this is NOT a dig at Presto.

I'm finding ths thread a bit amazing.

If a man had bitten/hurt his wife and she had phoned her/his parents to get him out of there and decided to press charges we would all be saying prosecute, domestic violence is not an excuse. Even if she had had a few hours to 'cool down'. Take the kids and leave him. If the police had said to HER oh it's just a domestic we would all have been outraged.

As soon as it is a man who is hurt it's oh it's only a bite/not important. Suddenly he's a calculating tosser who is deliberately setting her up for custody of the children. Why is he not within his rights to have charges laid if he was hurt???

Presto did not have to follow him outside when he went for a cigarette he may have been trying to get away and cool off.

Why is he the guilty one?? Presto says they were both pushing and shoving I think they are both equally responsible. Perhaps we should ask if he needs to forgive her for hurting him as much as she needs to let go of what he did.

If they have another argument/fight just what is acceptable for her to do to him?

agree with Kathleen. i know this isn't going to be a popular veiwpoint, but at the end of the day, she bit him.

His behavior was provoking and unforgivable, but even if we as women are being provoking and unforgivable, we expect not to be bitten. I would press charges if someone bit me.

We cannot have it all. We cannot demand to be treated no differently to men except when we want to be. Men should not be expected to have more self control in a scuffle than women.

Why shouldn't he try to get custody of his children when his partner has just bitten him? If he was a woman, and the OP was a man, we would basically be saying "Kiss your children goodbye, you were abusive, you bit her, you deserved to be arrested."

Violence should not be treated lightly just because the perpetrator is smaller than the victim.

It sounds like you both behaved quite badly. I certainly don't think you should be telling him to leave on the grounds of one incident, in which he didn't hurt you physically.

if I thought for one minute my partner was going to tell me to leave, and only see my children one weekend in two, then DAMN right I would be setting him up for full custody. Can we all honestly say we would just go, without a fight? fathers love their children too.

I think presto's husband should seek legal advice too, as its a possible child custody issue. I think the child custody issue is the most important aspect.

Have to say, though, from the facts of the story as written here, my sympathy is far more with Presto.

he has admitted feeling stupid over this incident - that he lost the plot etc. Not an actual apology, as far as I can see posted here.

(The picture I get is that you bit him out of furyand frustration, rather tan in self-defense would that be, on balance, true/)

Would it help if you both apologised to each otehr? You for biting him, him for being nasty, smoking in the house and having you arrested?

Whatever else happens, it's very hard for anyone to forgive anything if there is no apology. I don't see how you would ever be able to talk to each other again without actual apologies.

Awful though it is, things we bitterely regret do happen in relationships, it's what happens next that determines the lont-time health of the partnership.

Whatever happens, good luck.

Three DAYS! He's a monster.
I think there is a huge difference if one partner is frightened and the other is not.
My dh says the only reason he could think of for calling the police and pressing charges is if - and I quote "You went completely mad, it was a totally unprovoked attack and you actually tried to kill me, like with a knife or an axe or something."

I wouldn't be married to your husband for a single day if he pulled a stunt like that with me. Actually the jabbing his fingers at me and telling me to fuck off when I asked about an arrangement would be pretty appalling to me.

He sounds a totally, totally unfit person to have the children too. Monster.

Now I have to say that I don't get into fights but, he walked away twice.

Yes initially he was agressive. Jabbing near her eyes. He was drunk. The reason for not drinking and driving is because you cannot judge things accurately. He may have got a lot closer than he meant.

Going outside and lighting up doesn't seem to me the actions of someone trying to fight, I thought cigarettes were meant to be calming???(sorry non-smoker here) and then walking away into the house again after she came out to have a go at him.

It sounds like she was the agressor at this stage chasing after him to have a go.

Is 3 days a lot to be charged with something in the course of something? I don't know. I suppose personally it would be horrible to be in that situation but it doesn't sound like very long to me.

Where does the line for violence get drawn? Just what is a woman allowed to do to her husband before it become serious?

Why did you bite him Presto?

He had been unpleasant for ages and that fateful morning he uninvited my parents for a meal I was doing for both sets the following night. He has been vile to me & them for ages (I'm sure that will all change now). I bit hime because I was so angry that he was a) smoking in the house, b)rude to me telling me to fuck off and c) because of all the upset for my parents he has caused. I look at him now and don't know whether I love or hate him.
Thank you Kathlean & Colditz for your counter views - do you think I should/could forgive him?

He uninvited your parents?? He really hates them doesn't he? Does he hate all your friends too? Are you 'allowed' to see them?
You sound as if you were really frustrated to me.
The only person who can decide if you can forgive him is you.

In your position, I would make the biting incident an issue in your counselling, to focus on why you did it. Anger management is approved of by courts, and if you and your DH ever get to court, it's not going to hurt your case if you can demonstrate that the incident was a one-off for which you felt remorse and which you took seriously enough to get counselling for.

Don't let it hang on your record as an unresolved issue. Make sure you address it and can prove to a court that you've addressed it - because you may need to.

Sorry I sound cynical, don't I, but I think you have to bear in mind that you may be sleeping with the enemy.