He got me arrested - do I forgive?

[Presto]

DH returns from a night out with his parents and asks for £10 for the taxi, he had clearly been drinking alot. He walks past me and sits at the computer with his back to me. I ask him tomorrow?s plans and to confirm that he and his parents are looking after our daughter, shrugs his shoulders and grunts. I go over and ask him to answer me and face me he then says menacingly ?my parents are not here to do child care, they are here to see me, so FUCK off? (as which time he thrusts his two fingers almost in my eyes, I felt intimidated and very upset.
He then goes into the shed outside for a cigarette, I follow to remonstrate, we argue, he then walks into the house with a lit cigarette and I ask him not to smoke in the house ? we tussle and we both push and shove at which point I bit him on the arm.
He immediately says ?right that?s it you have assaulted me I?m calling the police. He calls the police and also my parents and says ?this conversation is being taped ?.come and take your daughter away?. As a result I call his parents and his dad tell me to ?sort out my own problems?
11.45pm Police and my parents arrive. We are both questioned (I am in nighty & dressing gown)
Jeremy insists on pressing charges. My parents ask him about the ?taped? conversation, he admits lying. My parents leave (Dad is feeling very shaken & I insist I will be fine) the PC says he has ?no intention? of arresting me.
The police allow me to go to bed. Approximately 45 minutes later despite much discussion with the police DH still insists they arrest me and I am awoken by the two policemen in my room telling me to get up and get dressed. I am driven away at 1.30am from my house leaving my three little children asleep- thankfully they did not wake up throughout this dreadful episode. On leaving I say to DH ?are you happy now? and he tells me to ?reflect on what I?ve done?. The policeman is in disbelief that a man could do this to his wife.
My father picks me up at the police station.

He is now remorseful and we are in counselling - problems have been brewing for 18 months. Do I try to forgive him or tell him to leave? We have 3 kids aged 7,5 and 1.

Presto said she was intimidated and upset. She doesn't say she was scared he was going to kick her senseless or rape her. She admits she bit him out of anger and frustration not fear.

She followed him after he left TWICE. Not the actions of someone terrified for their safety.

She says they have been having problems, she didn't say what type, that doesn't mean abuse and violence on either side. I can only assume that some of you have insider information that I do not into their relationship.

I also do not know how hard she bit him? Bites can hurt and do a lot of damage!

Yes women are abused, we only have to look at the Stressed Mummy thread to see that.

Some women are abusers that is a fact as well. Not saying Presto is.

There were errors of judgement on both sides in my opinion.

He was drunk and admits he over-reacted. That could quite easily explain why he spent 45 minutes arguing with the police about her being arrested.

We're all human and make mistakes.
Punishment does not fit the crime here IMO.

Kathlean, physical abuse is far from the only form of abuse. In fact I found it more easy to be decisive in a situation where the abuse was purely physical and 'in your face' because it was less easy to ignore, it's a more overt form of control.
(Reiterate IME, no wish to cause offence to anyone who's suffered abuse of any form.)

In a situation where the control is surreptitious and difficult to pin down such as the abuse which Presto is currently suffering, it can be very, very difficult to become aware of what's happening.

Manipulation, ostracisation and other more subtle control tactics are used to create exactly the situation described in the OP.

Questioning herself, doubting herself and her behaviour. Behaving in a way which is (more likely than not) entirely unlike her ~ because he is controlling her behaviour. Demeaned to a point where she is considering staying with this man.

Of course physical violence shouldn't be displayed by either party! No-one's disputing that, but I don't believe for one second Presto's DH didn't know exactly what he was doing or that he wont continue to abuse.

Kathlean, I never said that Presto had those specific fears. I was pointing out the huge difference between male on female domestic violence and female on male domestic violence in THE VAST MAJORITY of cases. When women call the police and suffer domestic violence they are usually very scared indeed. Presto's husband was NOT scared of her. She wasn't going to knock him to the ground and kick him, she couldn't rape him. She wasn't going to start beating the kids. These are all pretty normal scenarios in cases of male on female domestic violence. Men are, in most cases, bigger, stronger and more violent than women. Women are much more likely to be frightened than men. If my husband was a violent man he could really scare me (he's not in the slightest btw). That's why I dispute the glib assertion that domestic violence is 'exactly the same' regardless of the sexes of the 'offendor' (in this specific case, this was scarcely an unprovoked attack as it occurred in the middle of a tussle after Presto had been bullied and sworn at and pushed).
And he didn't spend 45 minutes arguing with the police to STOP them arresting her. He spent 45 minutes with the police DEMANDING they arrest her. Bastard.

Yes I am aware there are different sorts of control and abuse.

As I said before I do not know Presto's history but can only base my opinion on what she typed. If she has been abused then her reaction is understandable. I still do not think it was right.

I don't know what Presto is physically capable of. I can only base this on myself and I know WHAT I could be capeable of doing if I wanted to. As Hunkermunker said I could and probably would have done a lot worse to my partner.

I am really dissapointed that you think that men being battered with baseball bats, beaten, screamed at and attacked while holding children is not as serious or the same. It may not happen as often but it does happen.

Reports also show that these sorts of women are more likely to abuse their children as well.

Many of these men feel shame, denial, love, anguish, dispair etc exactely the same as women.

Many of these men do not phone the police as they end up being blamed or laughed at. How many people do you think laughed over the Ross Kemp (is that his name) incident?

Someone on here mentioned the womens refuge site. I went and had a look. Do me a favour and do a search on husband beaters.

Some of the studies class a bite as a severe physical assult which it can be.

Again I think this has gone off at a tangent and I think we will have to agree to disagree on this subject.

Well, I've had a good look at my posts and, oddly enough, can't find anything about baseball bats there at all. Sigh.

It was an example. The same as someone holding a child was.

I used the physical form of abuse as an example the same way as a woman being kicked to the ground, raped and beaten.

It is easier to demonstrate compared to the mental and emotion abuse that men also suffer.

Aloha, away of Presto's case, I don't know about you, but if for any reason I end up walking home at the time pubs are closing, I am far more afraid of bumping with a bunch of drunk women than of a bunch of drunk men.

I have had experience from this but from the other side. My DP was suffering from mental illness and was drunk. He has been arrested twice because of issues at home but I still have mixed feelings about what happened and whether I was right to involve the police. He is now well and we seem to have put it behind us. Only problem is, because he was arrested, he is not now able to travel to America under the passport waiver scheme. The fact that he might not be entitled to get a visa really matters to us. Do you realise this would be the same for you Presto?

Hello - just to give you an update. I have tried so very hard to forgive my H. We carried on with the counselling for 6 months and I think I wasn't being true to myself and became almost subservient to him (not me at all!) Anyway his attitude towards me got worse, he needed to 'be consulted' on everything and refused to see my parents and felt it was 'inappropriate' too see my friends in the light of what I had told them about the arrest. He has become an arrogant bully and I have asked him to leave - he hasn't left yet but said he is looking for a flat and now I live in a limbo land -I hate him so much. Has anyone else's husband changed for the worse over your marriage. He used to say I could do no wrong - and now I can do no right.
Reading over your comments I think most people would have thrown their husbands out there and then.

How long does it take to look for a flat? He could rent somewhere whilst looking FGS! Sorry things didn't work out Presto.

Think you are doing the right think telling him to leave Presto. I'd give him a time limit - say he's got however long you think is practical to find somewhere to rent. A month would be more than generous. Otherwise you risk him messing you around thinking you won't actually throw him out. If he's a bully, he needs to see that you mean business and aren't going to put up with his behaviour any more.

If he doesn't get himself sorted out at the end of the month, that's his problem. Throw him out. (And while he's looking for somewhere, go and see a solicitor so you are sure of your ground legally).

Hi Presto - Ive only caught up with this thread today. No I couldnt forgive a man like your dh. He is a fool and so are you if you allow him to carry on like this

If he likes his parents so much why doesnt he go and live with them. Or why not just give him a months notice (or less) and chuck him out!!!

You're doing the right thing Presto. It sounds like that one incident changed the balance of power in the relationship forever and it can't go back.

Out of interest, did the counselling not help at all? What came out of that?

if it were me i'd leave, and for the policemen to take you away and leave him (obviously drunk) with the 3 kids well its

Of course now he has entered himself for the Father of the year award - playing football with the boys and being all doting on our daughter. All to make me the bad guy when he goes. I am dreading the sorting out of monies and house and mortgage.

Stay strong Presto.

The counselling was a strange experience. The counseller seemed to tell him to behave as he wanted and that he was right then tell me exactly the same. After a while the counseller diagnosed him as a typical 'passive aggressive' man and recommended that I read a book called 'Living with the passive aggressive man'. Well it could of been entitled 'living with my H' , the counsellor then suggested that 'he' read it as well to which he replied 'I may as well just go to the counseller and let him tell me 'cos I can't be bothered to read it. The counseller would not go for that so he has now read it and is suggesting that it is indeed 'I 'who is passive aggressive. I have given up with him - he would argue with anyone, I used to joke that he should have been an interrogater for the CIA. We have wasted £100's on the counseller - I just wish he would bloody well GO!!!!!