Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships

[ViVee]

I thought it would be a good idea to start a thread, a place to vent, offer support, advice.

I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship but I'm trying to find the tools to fight back - I've recently started counselling & the Lundy Bancroft book (Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men) (recommended by mumsnetters) has become my bible.

Anyone else feel the same?

Oh, shuts self up.. ignore me...

trots back to read mousey's post.

Mouse thank for sharing that story.
You areright it is chilling bt on the other side, what comes out is how strong and determined you are.
Well done!
And thank for showing us that things can and will get better if you want to. :)

Oh mouse I have no words

((hugs))

I thought I knew a lot more than i did.

Mouse, I am so sorry you had to live that. It is testament to you and you alone that you are such a wonderful, warm and kind person today.

God the calculating watching them thing...

Goes to show when they want to target you, there is little you can do unless you know what to look for and are impervious to bullshit. No-one would have escaped that. Anyone would have fallen for it, surely.

well apart from... thanks for sharing, that must have been a really really hard thing to write. You are very brave and it's so wonderful that you have your dh now. When you look back you can't believe the things you were prepared to put up with, normalise can you? It beggars belief.

I'm going to say goodnight now. I left things out, some things are just too shocking to put on here but I'm sure you can imagine.

Thank you for reading my story.

I'm now free, loved and respected.

Night xx

Oh Mouse
Brave Lovely Mouse, thank you for sharing that, and I am so, so glad you and your DD got away from this man and are now, as you say, "Free, loved, and respected"

mouse
words fail me. you make me feel pathetic for complaining about my lot! and now you have your wonderful but very SN son and all the problems that go with it. You are truly an inspiration. when i finally break free and get sober, it will be down to you .

I also dont have any words mouse. Just well done. Really well done

Spent the night rowing with Dh. he has gone to bed, before me. this is unheard of. Am staying up in the hope he falls asleep by the time I get there.
anyone else slide into bed really carefully so as not to wake DH up in case he wants sex? Or is that just me?

barbie and bigbuttons and HH
really suprised, and kindof reassured, to hear thta refusing to come on family days out/ holidays is 'a thing'! Its so so upsetting and disruptive and humiliating...and then if they do decide to come along, being miserable and complaining and argumentative...

I also gave up trying to involve him in anything--he was happy not to be involved though

i slept in spare room/ in with dd- couldnt bare it

Thank you for sharing Mouse x

Bloody Hell Mouseface, what a story! Have been following this thread with avid interest (since I've had my share of utter twats over the years) but to read what you shared without responding feels like the worst kind of voyerism.

I'm so glad and amazed you managed you get out of that horrendous situation. However did you find the strenght, you must have been totally beaten down and at the end of your tether.

Incredible and an example to all those still stuck in EA and DV relationships!!

Well done you and I really hope your life contains all the happiness you clearly deserve nowadays.

i'm back

mouse your story is an inspiration. You went to hell but you came back from it. I am so happy for you that you have been able to restart your life on your terms and your dd's.

This is how I feel, although my story is nowhere near as horrific as Mouse's but I feel the same way.

Sorry been away from the thread for a while... All seems a bit too much at the moment

Oh yes, the trips out that deteriorated into moods and sulks. I have plenty of those on record.
Holding my hand then whisking it away because I suggested we deviate from our planned route then hissing "You've ruined it now haven't you" then going on to take a call from his friend and be perfectly normal.

In the early days he did pressure me for sex but I never felt forced into it, thankfully. He did sulk if I said no and when I refused to put the book down he went out, saying "send me a text when you've finished reading."

His behaviour now is much better than it used to be - he knows he cant get away with anything physical or overtly bullying, so it's mostly passive-aggressive ie not looking after DD to give me time on my own, not offering to help out. Were it not for the obvious sexual jealousy and little digs that I am sleeping with every man in sniffing distance he would just sound like your average useless twat most of the time.

He has remained in my life for this long because i have no-one else I am close to, no family (1 brother in London who leans on me rather than vice versa) and no friends nearby i can see regularly. But I've been working on increasing my independence.

I have realised that subtlety doesn't work so I have told it to him straight that next time DD has a day off nursery I will be spending it on my own. The response was reasonable, but I had prefaced that by saying I was not happy and wanted to spend more time with my friends.

I have decided that I am going to get the life I need with or without him. I actually know for the first time that I would be okay without him, that I can exist in the world on my own and not crumble, so he can accept my terms or fuck the fuck off.

demented, never ever lessen the experience that you are going through right now. As honest as you think you are being, we all know that the amount of blocking out and normalising is unimaginable. There will be things that will occur to you when you are like mousey and me and out of the relationship, that you never realised just how awful they are until long afterwards. There are no "worse thans" here, we all need help and to be heard.

remember also that our abusers tailor make the treatment too, so what works with one, may not be so effective on another.

And yes, I spent years either trying to go to bed earlier than him, so much so that sometimes I would hear his footsteps coming up the building stairs and run to bed and pretend to be asleep, or when back in the UK wait until 2am when I knew he'd be spark out.

I also perfected the art of sleeping on the very knife edge of the mattress. it's all in the balance. I did ONCE catch myself falling

Now I just shake my head in disbelief, WTF was I doing?

MO, you are strengthening by the day!

Oh Mouseface I am sitting here weeping at your story, what an utter fucking bastard. What an inspiration you are for surviving and being able to share that. You are amazing.

I haven't suffered anything like that, not even close....yet I still can't write it down.

But you're such a sweetie, Mouse, how could anybody even want to treat you like that? Bollocks to "he had a dysfunctional childhood", he knew how to be nice (to draw victims in) but then chose to be horrible. Sick, sick creature, still walking about in a human skin fooling people that he's normal, while you, and his next victim and his next, spend years trying to cope with the results. If there is any justice he will die horribly, all alone, but there are no guarantees in this world.

I think the lesson here is not "oh my husband doesn't rape me at knifepoint so I've got nothing to complain about really" (!), it's that even in such a truly dreadful, terrifying situation the victim had the courage to get out. When the nasty man in your life is not such a psycho you should be less afraid of leaving. The only acceptable level of abuse is - all together now: NONE.

Oh, and the happy lesson that after being with a bastard you may still meet a loving, supportive, decent partner. They do exist. (I hope so, I have four sons and sincerely trust they know how to treat people, "even if" they are in a relationship with them!)

so much food for thought on here, so much of it hitting home and making me nod in wonder as I read it!!!
Thank you all.
Madam Ovary - your story sounds exactly like mine, as in where you are at at the moment.

demented hope you dont mind-i have stolen your poem and put it on the 'soul food' thread i started a while ago

scrap thta-Hissy already posted it there

Morning Brave Ladies

Annie - your post made me smile and nod in agreement. I have a younger brother by 11 years. He saw some of the things I went through. We would often talk as he got older about how to treat women and what's acceptable behaviour and what's not, he would actually ask me for advice, even though he saw how much I fucked up my life.

He's had 2 long term relationships and I am so proud of him. He's such a lovely young man.

Bibi - 'How ever did you find the strength'? TF went to hit DD and that was all I needed. I became super woman, I just snapped. I didn't care if he hit me, kicked me, I just had to get DD out, it happened so fast.

humpty - {{{{{HUGS}}}}} to you sweets. I don't know your story. xx

Annie - I used to thank DH, for not hitting me or raping me. Every other relationship I've had has been abusive in one way or another and tbh, I got to the point where I thought I deserved it. It must have been myfault, I wound them up so they lashed out. All my fault.

With DH, I sometimes wonder when the bubble will burst, when he's going to snap and lash out at me. Ridiculous isn't it? 6+ years of being with him and I still wobble. I also worry that he'll have an affair, that I won't be enough for him.

I've been diagnosed with Degenerative Disc Disease, Facet Joint Syndrome and Herniated Discs. I also take ADs and am usually so tired looking after Nemo all day....... I wonder if I meet his needs.

We do talk about the way I feel, my insecurities and he says that 'he's waited his whole life to find me, to find this, our family, so why would he risk losing it all'

And then I think that maybe he's telling me this to pacify me. Stupid Mouse.

But this is the reality of being abused for years. This is what's left, a woman who desperatly loves her husband, so very much, but is scared to death that he'll leave her.

I've locked so many boxes im my mind, I hide so much and repress my fears as best I can. I just hope that me being like this, won't drive him away......