Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships

[ViVee]

I thought it would be a good idea to start a thread, a place to vent, offer support, advice.

I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship but I'm trying to find the tools to fight back - I've recently started counselling & the Lundy Bancroft book (Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men) (recommended by mumsnetters) has become my bible.

Anyone else feel the same?

Realised that i sound like a right lazy cow don't I - haven't done housework, want to slob round in my pjs, leisurely showers in the morning :D
Oh a lie in - that sounds lovely. I had one of those last month - till 7.30. The sulking for the rest of the day spoilt it a bit.
Glad somebody gets the weekend thing. When people ask me about my weekend I always feel compelled to lie, weekends are awful here and don't even get me started on when he has time off work :D

OMG, your posts make me feel sad for you as this was exactly what I was like. I'd wake up on friday with a sense of dread but now it's so much better as although H is around a lot, helping take dc to activities etc he doesn't shout at me and any criticisms go over my head most days. PLease keep strong and try to find a way out. It's horrid being on my own alot of the time but it's better than being with H.

Going to get DS2 now form week away on school trip, as much as I want him back I pray he's not going to be abusive again. My happy mood from a minute ago has evaporated.

so many posts since I was last on....and so much wisdom and support.

Barbie, in answer to your question where am I now? still together? Yes. And pretty much for the reasons you give in your post of Thursday 15.20 approx. Except for the house. I feel no emotional attachment to this house anymore. It's not a home. We have a big garden and a pool, nice house, but the kids are not free to have friends round. They're encouraged to have a birthday party but that's it. H refuses to let them have sleepovers here, he hates it if someone turns up unexpectedly, he hates anyone coming over after school. I've given in to this for the usual reason...to avoid sulks, complaints and possibly even a public humiliation for the dc's or for me because of course an abuser is unpredictable isn't he? HIs outbursts are rare (ish) but when he has one he has no shame whatsoever and I couldn't risk that. That's how abusers control isn't it? I understand that now.

A few years ago we were arguing about allowing a sleepover. He said to me that he is not prepared to make sacrifices for his children...(extra kids in the house would be a "sacrifice" ). I normalised this to myself for a while. I even decided that I would make sure the dc's had friends over while h was out at work, or that I would take them home when he got home from work, or that they would come for an hour at the weekend and then I would take them all to the shopping mall.....this is the behaviour of a doormat of course.

It's not just the kids, he once went to bed at 6pm when my Mum was here for an overnight stay and dinner before going back to her home 2000 miles away. He just went to bed without a word to anyone. Didn't see her the next day either as she left very early. And then he shouted at me for something totally unrelated later the next morning. I will never forgive him for that.

peep, Barbie's so right...now when your dc's are tiny is the time to go. Don't wait, don't think it will be easier when they're older. It won't be.

Sorry, this is another ramble. Sending support to you all.

Another one who wanted to write "Yay! It's Monday" on her FB" Funny how so many of us feel that way

Thanks for the name checks. Actually I didn't get my stbxh out, he chose to go after an affair. He had started by confessing and being extremely apologetic but it very quickly became my fault because if I had been a decent wife he wouldn't have had to go elsewhere. Mind you, he has asked to come back and I have said no. For me reading Lundy Bancroft was a real lightbulb moment. I finally realised that it wasn't me it was him, and that I would never have been good enough in his eyes.

I really feel for all of you facing tough weekends, If the kids misbehaved or were noisy I would always be the one who got shouted at.

Weekends: I spent evenings and weekends being testily ignored. Most plans we had together, he would bail out of at the last minute because he was "too busy". Any outings that did happen were because I had put sustained and anxious effort into organising them and making sure they took place. He would never join in any plans I made with friends -- even blanking out visiting family members from across the ocean. Of course, any plans he made with his friends I would be at, gladly, and was the hostess with the mostest for his visiting family members...

God what a mug.

And yet, when he was good, he was very very good. I have been missing the hugs, the affection, his intelligence and sense of humour, the appreciation he would often show for my talents and quirks...

But I know that those came at the price of the put-downs, the shouting, the blaming, the thrown crockery, the shoving against walls, the broken furniture, the threats to hit me or kill me and himself...

Not a worthwhile trade-off, really. But I still get into moods where I miss the good bits, and I don't want to discount them completely by saying those weren't real. Otherwise I have precious little to account for the last 12 years of my life.

Of course the good bits were real. You lived them, you enjoyed them. They were no less real than the bad times. Unfortunately they weren't any more real either. It's a shame you miss them, but think of it this way: a good relationship would have been like that all the time. If it was down to you it would have been, but for some reason he had to keep mucking it up. Ordinary people aren't perfect; when they're tired, unwell, frustrated, of course they can get a bit snippy with their loved ones. We support and forgive, as we would hope to be supported and forgiven when it is our turn to be out of sorts. But with an abusive partner the weird stuff blows up out of the blue whether we deserved it or not, and is disproportionate to the (alleged) offence. The nasty bits are unnecessary, and often bewildering. It didn't have to be that way... and yet, with that partner, yes it did have to, because that is how they do things and you can't change them. As you say, it is not a worthwhile trade-off.

You know what BitchyHen, whatever takes these dreadful men away from us, THANK YOU! he he he, the OW now has him to contend with! now there's karma!

Living well is the best revenge!

I'm struggling with the good bits too at the moment ITSME, not so much with H but with rebound twat, he actually said to me "when I'm good I'm very good but when I'm bad I'm worse than bad." My sadness tonight is that if circumstances had been different we would probably have had a fabulous relationship but having both just left partners, that was never going to happen. H has just picked up dc for the night so just me, the sofa, tv and facebook. Far too lonely.

OK, so we all know when a man tells you how he is, HE IS TELLING YOU HOW HE IS!!!!

What a tosser.

If he were a decent person, it would have worked. He's not, he humiliated you in your office, and tried to cause trouble for you at work. Fuck him! no-one does that to anyone they like.

Blank him, treat him like the poisonous traitor he has shown himself to be.

hurryup you need time on your own. You need quiet time to face the things you don't want to face. You need to feel happy in your own skin and happy being on your own because you like yourself you know?

Herhissy, i agree but I'm sure I'm not the only one here who thinks that if she was good enough, they'd change!! I'm not lonely for him, I'm missing my dc and the life I thought I'd have had but didn't. Must keep searching for my self esteem!!

hurryup you're in these relationships for a reason - one of them is more than likely that you have picked up, somewhere along the way, that it's OK for someone to treat you like crap. When we are young we just go along with what everyone else thinks is right for us. Have you read the Beverly Engel book? It describes clearly how easy it is to grow up with very low expectations. This is not about self-esteem, loving yourself and all that stuff, it is about getting past the people who told you to expect little in life and mad you stall, stop trusting your instincts, doubting yourself, thinking that looking after everyone else is more important than looking after yourself.

When women grow up with that philosophy put upon them, they become victims. When men grow up with the very same stuff foisted on them, they become abusers. Generally of course.

The only thing you've done wrong is allow yourself to be vulnerable. Enjoy your own time, plan a great time for when the kids are back.

Ha, piece ended. Ds2 started being abusive to ds1 so he's back here. Sworn and thrown a few things and now in bed. Not sure taking him away is the right thing to do but the other dc need protecting from him as well

Stay firm and communicate with ALL of them that this behaviour is not and never will be acceptable. Tell them that as soon as it stops you can all get back to chilling out and enjoying life, but not until then.

Tell them it's pointless to carry on like this, they are in a better environment now, they have a voice and can be heard. tell them that you are not going to back down, you are not going to be abused, hit, sworn at by anyone.

Tell them that if YOU did the things to them that they are doing/allowing to be done to you, you would be arrested. It is THAT serious.

You have to be consistent with DS2, never let him get away with bad behaviour, ask him what consequences you should give him for it, get him to choose them, and stick to them. Above all, tell them all that you love them with all your heart, but that this behaviour will cease.

Totally agree with Herhissy. Be strong - they are pushing boundaries because they want to know where they stand.

I haven't read through the whole thread yet so sorry if this question has been asked already. Does anybody else always get the 'what have your family/priest/friend and his dog! been telling you now?!' this has come out of him finding an excuse to come around to the house (he needed to get something from here). Spoke about when he was next seeing the children and when i put my foot down and told him it'll be on my terms it wasn't received well at all!

Have just read through the past 3 pages to catch up.

Hurryup-you sound so sad, understandably so. You sound depressed in fact. Sorry you're feeling this way. It must be so hard having to deal with stress at work and stress at home. It does sound as if you need some time out to help you process things, but obviously there will be a financial hit if you are self employed.

Maybe you could arrange counselling. I have the same issues wrt self esteem, and waiting for approval from others before contemplating actions. I was referred to psychology for assertivemess!! I went twice, but it was more like a nice chat really. I still see a psychiatrist (I had depression; my kind GP referred me). I find the time spent there really helpful. Reaffirming, and keeps me strong. I also have 2 great friends who have been really supportive, but they live miles away.

So feeling your sadness, but try to stay strong. As my Dad said to me today, you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs!

Also, I wanted to update everyone on my situation.

Having had lots of positive feedback from others about the benefits of leaving whilst the kids are little, I packed my bags, bundled them into the car, and drove to my other house (the one I rented when I originally left my H before Xmas).

When I left, I wasn't sure for how long - a few days or longer. It's my DD birthday on Sunday (she'll be 3) and my eldest has things on at nursery next week (sports day, a school visit and a graduation ceremony - I know from nursery.... he got a third (joking!) so I was concerned about the upheaval of staying away longer. I think I realise that there's always going to be something on, and as my H had a relapse of his drinking last weekend, and shouted names at my DS (5) I had a reason to leave.

I spoke to my H - he said when you coming home, I said I didn't know - he started shouting "You don't know - what do you mean you don't know" I said -"well, you got drunk at the weekend, and called DS a shithouse and you never said sorry, showed any remorse or contrition". He argued back "One slip up and you do this to me! I took my eye off the ball for one night and this happens". He was pleading "Don't do this again. What about school? What about DD birthday? What about Father's Day?"

He said "If you don't come home, I'm coming up" I said "Please don't do that" Then he said "I'll get my mum and Dad to come up then" I said "No".

He put the phone down on me.

Then I had 1 and a half hours of fear as it takes that long to drive here from our "family" home. In this time, my MIL phoned me pleading with me to "Come home - please come home" And that "H is devastated. He's heartbroken" I told her that for me, the spark had gone between me and H and that if it wasn't for the kids, I wouldn't have gone back in February.

Anyhow. Noone arrived.

I feel so much more relaxed in my other house. It is close to my parents, and I have lovely friends here too. I was socially isolated in my "family" home, though it was close to my PILs.

So that's me taken a bold step to leaving.

Now the doubt starts. The guilt.

But I was miserable. I spent a lot of time at home feeling anxious or weeping, and couldn't concentrate on looking after my kids, so I felt I was neglecting them. I just couldn't forget or forgive the things that he had done to me in the past. Even though the drinking had changed, his old ways were slipping back.

At least I have my family here to support me. My H hated my family - especially my Mum which was really difficult for me. And we had spent time discussing it at marriage counselling, and he did acknowledge how hard it was for me.

My MIL particularly colluded with her son. Last week she said "Oh well everyone's allowed a blowout" Maybe so, but not when you're a violent, abusive drunk.

Anyhow. That's where I am!

Oh yeah right "Everyone's allowed a blowout"
So she would be fine if she were on the recieving end yes?
Silly moo is denying and minimising damage to you and her own GC FFS.

Peeptoes bloody brilliant of you. I know it's not easy, but HANG IN THERE. You're already feeling the benefits which is fantastic. The other stuff will lessen in time as you breathe clean, non-abusive air.

peeptoes well done you, fantastic. I'm a little that you have that option. Yes it sounds very much that mil is colluding with her son. But you also don't know what sort of lies he's told her, but I bet you can imagine.
Don't feel guilty, feel proud. Next time he asks you when you're coming home just say " I don't know what you mean, I AM home"

Well done peeps, you have done the right thing.

And remember, at the moment it doesn't matter what HE wants or thinks.

It matters even less what his mother wants or thinks. There is no offence to his mother intended here. She could be a wonderful woman, but it STILL doesn't matter what she thinks.

YOU have the right to take a decision based on YOUR FEELINGS. It's YOUR life.

YOUR feelings. YOUR CALL....not theirs, YOURS.

Thanks for that - I really appreciate all the support of those on this thread - it's been a lifeline for me. The personal advice to me and also reading others developments.

bigbuttons I love that - "I don't know what you mean - I am home" He would go up like the jaws of the sea!