Anyone had an affair and not regreted it?

[kitty1]

I had fling with someone and never have regretted it. It helped me realise that my marriage was well and truly over and i couldnt go back.
By the point i had this fling my ex h and i hadnt had not been having sex because he had some issues he coudnt/wouldnt deal with.

I read some where once that when a woman emabarks on affair she has mentally packed her bags and left the relationship , when a man does it its usually because he is bored and craves excitement.

Anyone here feel the same?

strawberryjelly

bloody marvellous post

Strawberryjelly - I think you and I are going to have to agree to disagree on whether WWIFN's advice is helpful to all posters, some posters or none at all. But I do think it's a bit rich to criticise another MNetter who gives up so much of her time and her personal experience to try and help other MNetters as they deal with the fall-out of having an unfaithful partner, or of being the OW.

"As for support for the OW- it does happen occasionally, but by and large it does not. Support is offered only if women grovel and ask for forgiveness."

Is that your opinion, or is is fact? IME this has not been the case. Many threads that I have seen have been from OW asking what they should do next in terms of being able to conduct their affair whilst remaining married, or of their affair being discovered by DP and asking for advice on what to do about fixing their relationship, or indeed ending it. Most (not all) of the people posting on these threads help the OP by talking through what has happened, finding out the situation in their primary relationship, offering help and advice from their own experience. In some cases the OP is supported in her choice to leave the relationship, in others they are supported through the 'loss' of their OM and helped to start rebuilding their relationship with DH/DP.

There are many reasons for having affairs ? being in a loveless marriage is one of them. But when you are in the situation that I was in, being happily married but having an affair and an EA just for sex, then it is not always easy to see why you did it. The assertion that some people are vulnerable to infidelity is a valid one ? I am one of those people. I don?t conform to the stereotype of a woman who wanted to leave her marriage ? in fact I am a woman who went looking for some excitement. And I know other women like me. My DH is unaware of my affairs. I don?t live my life under a cloud of guilt for what I have done, but I am very much aware of the potential hurt I could have caused my loved ones, and I regret the toll that the lies and deceit that went on when I conducted my affairs have taken on my sense of who I am.

strawberry first of all I would like to acknowledge that you have at least had the courage to address me by name and to apologise for misconstruing your earlier post. I also wanted to acknowledge the bits of your post with which we are in agreement.

Everyone potentially has vulnerabilities to infidelity and I have always included myself within that. I agree that no-one is immune - and I have never suggested otherwise.

You are also right, my H and I are in a gloriously happy marriage. It's an honest one though and hence my H completely supports what I do on Mumsnet and has on one occasion, written something himself for a poster who was having difficulty. He and I are so grateful for the happy position we find ourselves in now, that we see this and some other stuff we do, as our way of giving back and helping others, through what can be the most difficult time in their lives. As ever, Mumsnet respondents must decide their own paths as the result of that advice - everything here is only an opinion, after all, including yours.

I disagree that keeping secrets and telling lies of omission are acceptable, but everyone has to live with their own conscience and judge how much that behaviour might harm them personally, as well as their partner and their relationships.

I couldn't really understand the relevance of what you personally find morally reprehensible, but you are as entitled to judge others' behaviour as the next person.

Finally, IME when posters suggest someone "steps away" from Mumsnet, sometimes that comes from a good place and is full of good intent. In other cases - and in my judgement this is one of them, what it actually means is "Please go away and stop touching a nerve".

I am glad to say I have no intention of stepping back - and my inbox full of supportive messages and updates about posters' happier lives, supports that decision. I'm also really glad if my posts touch a nerve and rattle those who try to defend the indefensible. I have been blessed with enough friends, love and support in RL, not to mention some lovely posters on here (Teddy included), not to worry in the least about being unpopular with some on here.

One of the wonderful things about getting older and wiser is not needing everyone to like you, having the confidence to state your own opinion - and being able to see the difference between constructive criticism given from a good heart - and personal agendas and sniping from a bad one.

I'll therefore contine to write from a very happy and calm place - and with absolute peace of mind.

I assume that the people who had affairs because their marriages had broken down and therefore didn't feel they owed their husbands anything had affairs with unattached men? Or does their sense of entitlement mean they are unable to empathise with the wives of people they are being unfaithful with?

Strawberry says she doesn't think an affair is the worst thing a human being can do to another. Actually, for me personally, in my relationship with my dh, it was fairly high up there with one of the worst things he could do to me. THE most difficult thing I have had ever had to come to terms with is that, for a time, my life wasn't what I thought it was and that he wasn't the person I thought he was. As far as mental torture goes, it doesn't come much worse than that and, if I'm honest I would have preferred some of the other forms of abuse Strawberry lists than having my history rewritten and being pushed to the brink of insanity. I still look back on times when I thought my marriage and my relationship with dh was one thing, and it was actually something else. If I didn't fight against that pain and remind myself of the breathtakingly wise advice I have received from WWIFN, I could allow myself to fall into complete mental turmoil. Another poster on a different thread described today how she turned to alcohol and sleeping pills in response to her husband's infidelity; I drove in the most reckless fashion imaginable when I was on my own in the car for 2 or 3 weeks after discovery and came within a hair's breadth of driving at full speed at a brick wall. I also tried to get out of a moving car when dh was driving and drove when I'd been drinking, when I just had to get out of the house. I don't think a husband with a gambling habit or who was violent would have induced such a response in me. So don't tell me an affair is not really that bad compared to other things.

AND I can vouch for the fact that WWIFN's dh knows about her involvement with mumsnet as she has shown him some of my private messages and her dh has offered to respond to my dh.

AND FINALLY, as someone who was so wonderfully lucky to have WWIFN respond to me in what was without a shadow of doubt my darkest hour, and as someone who has been able to come to terms - just about - with my dh's infidelity thanks entirely to the wisdom and advice of WWIFN, I would advise her not to waste her time posting on this thread, but to go back to helping people who need and deserve her help.

How many lives have you made better today Strawberry?

No man is worth enough to end your life over. Ever. I am pleased you have come out the other side.

As for how many people have I helped today- well, that might surprise you. But I am not here to defend myself.

i had an emotional affair and dont regret it one bit. it went on for about 3 months. it made me realise that i wasnt the person ex made me feel i was. it (the affair) and she gave me the courage to kick ex out (he was abusive)and also to get counselling. funny enough, it was when i got rid of the ex that the affair fizzled out. i had fun while it lasted, it hurt when it ended but it taught me some things about life

Strawberry - I agree. But for some people it's not about ending their lives over 'a man' it's about dealing with the mental turmoil of finding out that their life was not as it seemed. Perhaps you don't understand that. Fortunately for me and countless others, WWIFN does.

Strawberry you have made my life better today, and thank you.

Deburca , you have made my life better today also.
I completely endorse what you said.

I have in the past taken long breaks from mumsnet ( I have been here since it began ) because of the development of a "party line" in the relationships section, and frankly I am astounded and delighted that a different view is being permitted to flourish on this thread. Usually anything other than the party line gets stamped down or ridiculed.

Of course I understand that. But the two are interconnected surely?

Anyway- this thread was about women who didn't regret affairs- not wives who were on the other side.

aaaaaaw- thanks bleed.

I too tend to keep off the Relationships forum these days, but when I do take a peep- I often wish I hadn't!

questioning the state of someone else's marriage, especially when your own has been blown apart by women like those on this thread "who don't regret their affair" is really out of order

some of you should be ashamed of yourselves

catwalker I am sorry your husband's affair affected you so badly and it is a good thing that you were helped by advice given on mumsnet.

But we are all different and I for one would leave my husband IMMEDIATELY over a gambling or drug or drug habit, which i consider to be far more harmful and less acceptable than an affair.

That's the point. We are all different.

Dh and I both had affairs and don't regret them. They saved our marriage. It was touch and go, but we have never been better. We hurt each other and completely walked away, then fell in love all over again.

strawberry...do you believe it's a woman's place to dance attendance on her husband to "keep her marriage happy" ?

because that might explain some of your unjustified remarks about the state of wwifn's marriage

Blackcoffee - did you and your dh both have affairs with unattached people?

yup, presumably many of these happy affairs were with people who were also otherwise attached

I have supported people on here who have had "exit" affairs (just recently in fact) without condoning what they did to others

however, commenting so negatively on such a supportive posters RL situation is beyond the fucking pale

you can disagree without pulling together quite so much "evidence" about how shit wwifn and her marriage must be, surely ?

Having a parent who had affairs my prospective is obviously from that of a child. Those affairs, which I didn't find out about until I was in my early 20s had a huge affect on my relationship with that parent.

It changed everything I ever thought and felt about them. It shattered many childhood memories.

It makes my blood boil when I hear people say they did nothing wrong by having an affair. Do you ever consider the other partners and children involved?

Agree with AF

Cat walker, yes. They were single.