Anyone had an affair and not regreted it?

[kitty1]

I had fling with someone and never have regretted it. It helped me realise that my marriage was well and truly over and i couldnt go back.
By the point i had this fling my ex h and i hadnt had not been having sex because he had some issues he coudnt/wouldnt deal with.

I read some where once that when a woman emabarks on affair she has mentally packed her bags and left the relationship , when a man does it its usually because he is bored and craves excitement.

Anyone here feel the same?

I was the OW and had an affair with a married man. I knew it wasn't right, it wasn't how I was bought up and I certainly wasn't proud. I was having a bit of a hard time at the time, but I am certainly not going to use that as an excuse.

I walked away and he then left his wife. We are very happy together three years on. However I can't let go the hurt I caused this other woman- who I did not know then. She has moved on and met someone else but is still so bitter and full of hatred towards us both. I can't blame her but I have tried to make amends. She isn't interested- not really surprisingly.

I'm not regretful of the outcome, however I regret the pain and hurt caused more than I will ever be able to explain.

Rom - people cheat for all sorts of reasons but I wouldnt be taking it to heart too much regarding what is said here. Some people will never, my ex included, be happy in a monogamous relationship - doesnt matter how perfect you are, how much you put into it.

Its not your fault they strayed. It was something that was done without your knowledge or consent and you dont have to feel bad about it. I dont know the circumstances in which it happened and I cant judge them for it but from what you say your marriages certainly didnt fail from any lack of effort on your part

xDeb

lemon- it is very brave of you to post that. The thing is- no one can lock up their partner in the hope they will never meet anyone else.

No one can make someone stay if they choose not to. if your man had not met you it is possible he would have left anyway or for someone other than you.

People get hurt all the time - that is life, sadly.

It's hurtful, it's sad, but being a martyr is not the answer

justforthisonepost you were more than entitled to do what you pleased in that horrendous marriage you were in - in my opinion - i applaud the fact that you took steps to get out of it, many dont and continue to live that life. From what I gather having an affair for you gave you some hope that things werent completely out of your control. I believe that in your circumstances it was absolutely right for you to do whatever it took to get your confidence back

x
Deb

I definately don't think there is always something wrong with the marriage. My ex who left his wife told me she was a great wife, did nothing wrong, they were very happy but I also know that he cheated on her all through their marriage. Clearly the fault was his, his inability to remain faithful. The only thing the wife could possibly do wrong was remain the same woman, not change into a new and exciting stranger each month.

Dh's father left dh's mother by leaving a note on the kitchen table after 25 years of marriage. She was, and still is devastated, 15 years later. However, he came to stay with us with his partner as we were getting married and told me one morning, when dh was taking a bath, that he took the cowards way out as she refused to listen. He said he had cheated throughout their marriage, numerous times. That there was no way she thought he was happy, she just refused to listen. I was angry that he confided in me when none of this had been told to dh. Infact, perhaps he should have told his wife, certainly, although it would hurt like hell, it sure as hell would stop her hanging around waiting for his return, that never came.

I've asked Mil if she thinks her marriage was happy and she swears blind it was. I don't know who is telling the truth, and he has form for lying, but I do think a lot of people can choose to see only what they want to see, and nothing will sway them from that path. Fil maintains he was a coward, though mainly because he thought she would make it impossible for him to see his kids.

Contact with children and the issues arising from it don't encourage honesty in ending relationships.

SJ -'but I do believe that there is something wrong in the marriage if one partner goes outside of it' - yes more often that not with the person having the affair having a weakness or possibly problems with 'attachment'.

Just - apologies if being too forward - I have no idea what it is like to be in a relationship such as the one you had with your XH - I don't think anyone should criticise you for seeking comfort elsewhere - was it too difficult to leave your XH?

Sorry didn't mean to sound martyrish!

Linden - i had an affair that lasted 6 weeks or so. finished with OM. Two weeks later left my husband. Actually in the end it was easier to do than I thought it would be. The fear of doing it was worse than the doing.

But the point of the thread was about the affair - and I feel like I'd asked the question a number of times, and because it didn't sit comfortably with the "lets bash the married woman who has an affair" tone of the thread at that point, and because my situation isn't one that fits the "lets go get counselling and sort this out" - it kind of got ignored and glossed over.

I am in no way undermining the hurt and devastation that affairs cause to innocent parties in relationships, who find themselves hurt and shocked when an affair comes to light. And I completely understand why counselling works, if both partners are willing and able to commit fully to that counselling.

I just don't think there is, as I've said before, a one size fits all approach. And FWIW I also think that every single one of us who ever posts on a relationships thread needs to be very very aware and mindful of the fact that this is not our situation, this is not our affair and that the poster may or may not take advice, and we should moderate and be aware of the tone of what we post.

lemon7 I don't think you sounded martyrish.

I do think that you are perhaps a little naive though to think you could make amends when your DP, in collusion with you probably ripped the heart out of the xW and undoubtedly have changed her and her life forever.

Yes I acknowledge if it wasn't you he left her for, it may have been someone else, but the fact that you even tried to make amends suggests that you maybe haven't experienced what the xW was put through.

Thank you Just for replying.

just i agree with you 100%. No one knows what is really happening and I tend to ignore posters with the tone of i have all the answers - listen to me. Im delighted you left that awful situation no matter what method you used to do it.

I know that alot of people are really devastated by affairs, most will move on though and gt thru it. A few however will let it change them irrevocably through choice perhaps or simply because it devastated them so much and that is very unfortunate as it prevents moving on completely without bitterness or recriminations.

I think it gets to a stage though, for those who choose to stay with their dh/dw that you have to put it behind you. You cant live with it and in it every day of your life - I cant imagine how that is healthy and i know that some people do do that. I cant imagine anything worse that living each day talking about it - discussing it etc. I dont understand why stay if you arent prepared to move past it. Im sure it takes a long time, years perhaps but is there a cut-off period where you say - enough is enough, I cant live with this im leaving or Im putting it behind me.

I would hope that I would never be in the position of loving someone attached to another - i love very deeply and am hurt very easily however I am truthful enough to say that if I fell for someone I wouldnt be able to stop it even if that person was attached.

I have followed the entire thread.
The subject is legitimate, and NOT tasteless.
I have had difficulties for many years with my marriage (no sex, no physical contact at all, emotional neglect, and worn down by DC, yet he's a good dad - that's the summary) and I got in touch with someone I met who in effect has become the OM in an emotional affair. I cannot tell you how good he has been for me, how supportive, how kind, how consistent in his friendship. We are extremely close friends and it helps us both. It is an emotional refuge which our marriages had ceased to provide. He makes me happier and as a result I am easier to live with. It has improved my relationship with my DH. And that is a true fact. OM and I are committed to our DCs and family set ups, but our EA has helped us both through very bad patches.

I have soul searched throughout all this. This is no glib flirtation.

cloudy you have missed the point- when i said people should not be martyrs i was not meaning the poster here at all! I was referring to how the wife may be living her life now- or indeed anyone who has ever been hurt.

i was hurt desperately once- my fiance called off our engagement- but you have to move on.

london i think you are making the best of a bad situation. I personally dont think I coudl stay with someone for my child, im selfish like that - not proud of it but its true and i think someone who does is hugely brave and unselfish. I wouldnt worry overly much about anyone thinking its tasteless - its a viable thread - you will find that the taste less brigade well head off to another thread as they wont get much mileage here.

deb

lemon please - it wasn't aimed at you at all- it was a general point.

London, are you me? Well nearly, because for me it is nolonger an EA, but a PA. I will leave in the end....It's never as easy as it seems....

what's a PA?

I've been following the thread with some interest.

For most of my married life my XH was the most wonderful, funny, caring, loving, happy, sexual, emotional, sensitive, amazing man. On the down side he had mood swings, drank excessively, gambled, spent money we didn't have.

We then both changed jobs and I think I may have had my eyes opened to how other people were living better lives because they were entrepreneurial and grasped opportunities. I think my character changed some. For many years our sex life dwindled to an all time low. I would initiate sex and he would refuse me over and over again. When I asked what was wrong he'd say 'it's not you,it's me' & 'I have issues' although he never used to. We got to the point where we were having sex once every 6-8 weeks (we have no children) and I felt it was because he felt like he HAD to, to placate me, rather than wanted to.

My self esteem was at an all time low. I was desperately unhappy at home. I thought about leaving but couldn't as I had no money, nowhere to go, and to be honest, I thought no-one else would want me.

A colleague of mine shocked me by making a pass at me, and that became the start of an affair which lasted 3 years. For me, it wasn't just about the sex, it was about feeling wanted and listened to, as much as anything else. I loved my XDH but I felt he didn't want me any more.

My XDH & I split up a year later, for it to come out that he'd been having an emotional affair with his boss. I felt completely stupid as I had found pics of her and him on his phone & on his computer. He'd done the gaslighting thing by telling me how stupid I was & it was perfectly ok for friends to have pics of each other....but these were the wallpaper pics! How stupid I was. He had previously made me go to have drinks on Christmas Day with her family in a pub miles away, just so he could see her. He later told me of hand holding and talks of leaving. He had mysterious calls, walking out of the room obviously to talk to her.

This had been going on all the time. He was withdrawing from me & at the same time pushing me to someone who I liked.

I never felt guilty about the affair until yesterday, because I had never considered the women who's husband I was cheating with. I was too wrapped up in all my own problems, without thinking about their problems. Yesterday I read a thread about finding out about a husbands' affair and it hit me that I may have caused the same feelings and what a terrible thing that was.

Sorry this was so long but I felt it was important to say all of this.

Have dipped in and out of this thread......

Like Romney, I am coming from the perspective of the 'betrayed/dreadful wife'. I can fully appreciate that there are all sorts of reasons for people having affairs, whether they are exit affairs, a chance for a leg over or the case of two people falling in love who do end up going the distance/are meant to be together etc. I have no idea where my ex will fall in terms of this (I have my own suspicions), but I think that some of the comments aout having an unfulfilled need being met, mis-communication etc, really needs to be seen from BOTH sides. In my case, my ex went completely crazy and came up with all sorts of nonsense as he tried to conceal the affair (after his 'I love you, but not in love with you' declaration) and also since deciding he wants to be with OW. He veers from extremes of in the early days telling me he didn't want me, I had to get over him to leaning in trying to kiss me, and (increasingly) muttering crap about how he has thought over and over how to stop what he is doing, how he is full of regrets, wish he hadn?t gone to US, to how he wishes he could go back and re-do all of last year - this last comment has been driven by his claim that he internalised a lot of his feelings last year and wish he had spoken to me about how he was unhappy. I accepted this initially until of course I came to realise (through counseling funnily enough) that ultimately, he made the choices he made. He chose to act in a deceptive manner, he chose to spend months sneaking around trying to communicate his OW (she lives in the US and is moving here for him ? maybe it is true love). And of course he chose to confide in and speak to one of his work colleagues from the outset of meeting her in the US on a business trip. So, so much for the internalizing thing??we were trying for a second baby, I gave up a well paid job as we were a ?family? and we had agreed that we didn?t want DS in childcare M-F (which he is now). When he started his affair, he came back from that trip in Oct with a bottle of champagne so that we could celebrate when we did get pregnant. We both know common work colleagues and one (who I don?t know that well) said that he was shocked as ex had been ?gushing? about me and DS and family in general on a long work drive in November?..I could go on?.were we perfect? No. Was I completely and utterly blindsided? Yes. The thing for me (and yep, appreciate that all instances are different and of course no one on here knows my relationship with ex) is that in some cases, it is just a pure case of people being utterly mean, spineless and selfish. My ex chose not to communicate with me (no surprise though ? for some that works in sales, he avoids conflict like anything). I would ask him how his day was, whether he fancied going out, whether he wanted to take up a sport. If I could sense he was stressed then I would be bending over backwards trying to think of things to alleviate it. And in the end, I was dumped for a 30 year old amateur triathelte who has given ex a pile of self-help/achievement books (the types he laughed at me for reading - go figure, as our American cousins would say) with whom he had spent 7 days nights with whilst in the US on buisness.....I think some folk that have affairs can be prone to making up history or rewriting things in their heads (not accusing anyone on here of doing that and actually am probably digressing a bit from the point! Sorry!) - my ex certainly did. He was unhappy for 3 months, then 6 months, then 12 months, then 2 years (pretty much after we had DS and he started his silly sales job). So maybe the issue of regret is different depending on the circumstances i.e.if it was just a casual/sex thing that got out of hand, but then also benefitted the marriage if the couple could realise that this was an issue? Etc etc...

I would also say that posts WWIFN and others have made on my thread have been a lifesaver. I am fully aware that no-one can forecast the future and that actually, ex and OW could go on to live happily ever after. Who knows? What I do know is that having support on here at the right time is what got me through some very dark days when all I could think about was the happy life ex had gone off to live and questioning myself over and over what it was that I did wrong.

Anyway, sorry for rambling - am in a rush to pick up DS from nursery....

[London] you are describing my EA exactly. (see earlier thread) Except in my case, although it made me happier, my DH could not deal with the happier, more confident me. He never found out about the EA. It even improved sex for me, because I suddenly felt alive again, sex had become a 'on demand' thing for DH, and I just obliged in the hope it would make things better. Until my DD asked me to leave her dad, I had decided to stay and make it work for her sake. I decided to leave, for my benefit and happiness, not to be with the OM. The OM recommitted to his family, which I really respected him for, but it did hurt, regardless of it being right. I understand what it is to find yourself as the OW. I do not regret it, it fulfilled a part of me I thought had died long ago, I actually 'feel' again.

deburca - the thing is, happily it's got a lot better at home! There were years which were terrible,_ only I didn't recognise them as such at the time._I was so worn down.
There are several children involved here.

NO LUCK - I am very physically attracted to OM. He is abroad so PA impossible at this point.

Strawberry: PA = Physical Affair

Thanks everyone, for sharing.

oh dee, that sounds really crappy, all that tooing and froing - are you in a better place now?

deb

Deb - thank you for your kind words at 16.16, I appreciate that your understand what I was trying to say.

Dee hope you are well.

Am muddling through, things do seem to be on the up - funnily enough, my ex actually said to me in the very early days of his revealing his affair that I was being a martyr...! Put it down to his overall idiotic tone and sayings (hurtful as they were) at the time....I now wonder?!

I think the regret thing can be an issue if people are saying that for the hurt and devastation that they have caused that they have no regrets. I am under no illusion that ex is blethering on to his OW (or girlfriend as she is now) about how in fact has no regrets and is so sure/committed to her despite what he is saying to me etc. Not massively interested anymore as can never believe a word he says. I dont even believe he has real regrets because as he has said himself, he has not lost anything (possibly because he was 'in control' of everything and playing everything out and all the moves? Again, just guessing).

Yet, on the other side, the betrayed spouse/partner - such as me - loses a lot - the implicit trust that they had in their partner, the partner themselves, their home, financial stability, friends, what was a shared and planned future and the biggest (for me anyway) having their children in their lives every day (and of course having to happily wave off their children for weekend contact time with their ex and his/her OW/OM - utter pain. I do wonder how my ex would have reacted if I had had an affair and was moving some American blokey in to a family set-up and said, nah, no regrets here mate and sorry, you should have been a mind-reader and figured out that I was so unhappy). I would be upset, or more disappointed, if in the long-run, my ex didn't have true regret for what he did. The plans that he and OW made effectively dictated my life and my choices in the beginning and up to now in terms of house, DS and work. If I even utter the thought of moving back to my hometown (100miles away) he starts huffing and puffing about how I would be taking DS from him - oh the irony.

Anyway, realise that this thread is not about betrayed partners, so with this, I am off.