Anyone had an affair and not regreted it?

[kitty1]

I had fling with someone and never have regretted it. It helped me realise that my marriage was well and truly over and i couldnt go back.
By the point i had this fling my ex h and i hadnt had not been having sex because he had some issues he coudnt/wouldnt deal with.

I read some where once that when a woman emabarks on affair she has mentally packed her bags and left the relationship , when a man does it its usually because he is bored and craves excitement.

Anyone here feel the same?

What a load of tosh.

Not being monogamous is not the same as being in a supposedly monogamous relationship and fucking someone else. Get real and stop justifying the unjustifiable. It just makes you look pathetic and deluded.

Manic no one is trying to justify anything - what is being said, as far as i am aware, is that affairs arent necessarily the worst thing that can happen in a marriage and that no topic should be taboo. The thing about mumsnet that I have noticed is that sometimes it can be very judging of situtations and that sometimes those judgments are unhelpful.

Can I ask manic have you been cheated on? As I said before I have and my opinon on it is that it did me a favour as my marriage wasnt working and I needed to leave it

Can I point out a further point of view. For reasons that are totally to do with my husband's behaviour - I can't go into details as it's his behaviour, not mine, thus not my secret to reveal - I no longer fancy him and find the sexual part of our relationship unexciting. I do not desire him in the slightest. We still have sex and he has no idea of how I feel, mainly out of my wish to protect his feelings.
I will not leave him. HE is an excellent husband and father and in all other aspects bar this one side of his behaviour, I couldn't ask for more.

However. Do I wish I could have a 'fuckbuddy' where I could enjoy myself without emotional commitment, but with affection (NO MORE!) for the person involved. Yup. You better believe it. I have a colleague who would want to have an affair with me, should I give him teh signals. We've danced up to that line once or twice, but I am careful to try and avoid those conversations now, as I realise what could happen if I crossed the line. Still, I am barely 40 and feel sad that I can't have the torrid, exciting sex that I know many women and men still have in their marriages. I'm sad.

However, it's not worth it for me to endanger our relationship and teh happy home life of our children and family.

So do I wish luck to ANY Person in my situation who can honeslty find happiness, fun and laughter in enjoying the physical side of their life that we are, for fuck's sake, made to enjoy? Yes.
I'm just not one of them, though.

I am sorry, but shame on anybody who sees this as black and white. I suspect it's shades of grey all along the way and I am glad for those of you who have it all!

No, I have never been cheated on to my knowledge, not that that has anything to do with this.

Frankly, it is insulting to suggest that people who feel strongly that cheating is morally wrong and makes a mockery of marriage/committed relationships must be bitter harpies who have been cheated on by their husbands.

Each to their own, seriously - but your situation, for example, Lost just makes me feel extremely sad for you and your husband.

of course nothing is ever black and white, and it isn't about 'having it all', but for me, it's about emotional integrity. Otherwise what on earth is the point?

I agree with you, Manic, but say, were I to go for it, and keep my marriage happy, just find sexual and physical fulfilment elsewhere, without DH knowing... isn't that a healthier thing that my being miserable?

Unfortunately for me, and I say this without being arrogant, please believe me, I've swallowed a goodly dose of emotional integrity, hence I won't do it. I DO worry that were I to, I would not keep myself emotionally uninvolved. that's not how I operate. My DH is honestly too good a man to endanger. He's certainly a better person that I am, morally- and - I realise - than my colleague!

All a bit shit, really

"I am not proud of it - what I did was a terrible thing."

is this just me or is is really that terrible? I can think of a lot more terrible things

I mean, not as terrible as being emotionally verbally and physically abusive

sounds quite sensible actually , a way to restore yr self esteem and enable you to leave

have never really understood teh shock horror but I think that's because I haven't been on the receiving end

strawberryjelly your posts are very eloquent and I share your viewpoint, particularly the bit about posting from personal experience and not being able to see past that.

kitty1, would you have judged your exH as loosely as you judge yourself if he had been the one having the affair in similar circumstances?

every situation is different, i dont believe for second that everyone who disagrees with affairs is someone who has been cheated on but i think its fairly obvious that there are alot of posters on mn that have been and in fact use this forum to vent their hurt/anger. OW appears to be a term that triggers attack with alot of posters on mn - i find it sad actually that there are so many bitter people on here at times. I can appreciate how hurtful it is to have someone you love/trust betray you but being nasty to a complete stranger on a forum such as this isnt going to help anyone.

not every person who has an affair is a bad person - no one knows what goes on in anyones marriage and personally if having an affair helps someone leave a marriage which is unhealthy then so be it.

As for judging - no one can judge anyone else - you dont know what the circumstances are or what has led up to them, what you can do is give an opinion and hope it helps.

bleedingstill thank you.

I can see how it is easy to post from personal experience- especially if you have been hurt and feel bitter- BUT if we think of how counsellors are trained- and work- they have to get rid of their baggage as part of the training process, and be in a position where they can be purely non judgemental with all their clients.

It's a bit much to expect MNs to behave like a trained counsellor, but if you are going to help anyone here- rather than simply vent your spleen- then you do have to try to try to be less judgemental.

totally agree strawberry and totally agree with bleedingstill with how well you put things. I first joined this site as i had heard that it gave great advice and support - i have found that to be the case the majority of the time but sometimes I have read things that dismayed me. I agree that there are people on here WWIFN for example who are actively sought out for advice and im sure that most of it is good advice but what has to be remembered is that its real people that are on here asking for advice with real feelings and real worries. some of the things said can quite destructful and hurtful. Basically if the majority dont agree with you then someone will get a flaming and thats it, names are called, morals questioned etc.

i have been to counselling myself, i was sexually abused as a child and my first husband had an affair and our marriage ended over it. i had many people offer me advice on both these topics but it was only when i actively sought professional counselling that i was able to come to terms with it all.

What i learned and what has always stood by me is that although people can try to help no one knows exactly what your situation is like except you and its always best to reserve judgment, listen, offer support but no one can advise a stranger.

Affairs are messy yes but not always wrong. Men and women in marriages that are unahppy will often seek comfort outside for a myriad of reasons. OW are people too - not monsters.

x

deb

Sorry to hear of your past, deb.

Personally, I think there should be a MN rule which is if you can't say anything kind and supportive, don't post at all!

I sometimes wonder if these forums do any good at all! I have had a dilemma recently in my personal life and my 2 closest friends have given me totally different points of view- which left me even more confused. These are people who know me well and know all the facts.

I think MN has its place but I also think that sometimes it does more harm than good, because people who use this forum are often desperate, clutch at straws often, and several posters think that their views are the only ones that count and they are "experts" simply through their own experiences.

I agree with deburca and straw. A lot of advice is given, some incredibly long posts and is largly drawn on the posters personal experience or taken from a book ( there are so many books on the subject,sme better than others but all worth having a look at). MN has it's place and some posters offer some comfort but it is better to seek advice from R.L and from professionals and ideally someone who knows both people involved in the relationship.

A friend of mine had an affair.
She was in an abusive relaionship. Her H was bitting her up and had spent years telling her she was less than a nobody.
Havng an affair and someone in her life like this showed her she was worth much more than what her H said. She found the energy and the courage to leave after that.
That affair was right for her.

Just wanted to say nothing irritates me more on here than posters being told what they should and shouldnt start topics on.

'It's pretty tasteless starting a thread like this when there are live threads from posters whose lives have been wrecked by infidelity'

See the thing is, where would that opinion actually take us in terms of being able to post? Lots of people moan about their husbands, whilst others have recently lost their husbands. People say things about exes, children, in laws, siblings; other posters are no doubt suffering mental anguish relating to them, but we shouldnt stop talking about it. One of the best things about MN is the breadth of opinion. If someone wants to say that they dont regret an affair, they should be free to express that opinion on here.

Oh the irony of most of the recent posts!

Instead of some of you answering the OP's question and being brave enough to admit that you have been in her shoes too (the immortal words of Mandy Rice-Davies come to mind), it has turned into a thread complaining about bullying and judgemental posters, then into both thinly veiled and transparent attacks on other Mumsnetters - in fact the sort of cowardly, bullying behaviour of which you complain.

And given that on your recent thread deburca about your friend who was recovering from her husband's affair, aislinggorla piled in to accuse you of being the OW and of lying on your thread - something I never once did on my response to you in that thread - you have some pretty strange bedfellows here.

You know, if you stood back and accurately recalled the threads about affairs and infidelity, you would see a different picture. You will see threads where OW and OM are treated with understanding and compassion - and my oft repeated mantra of "good people do bad things". You will see threads from women and men who have had affairs, who will receive support in trying to stop behaviour that is damaging them, as well as others. You will see lots of support for people trying to recover from the pain of infidelity - pain that some of you seek to deny even exists. You will see advice urging posters not to vilify the OW, to the exclusion of her H - and a sizeable proportion of posters expressing beliefs that the OW is not to blame at all.

It's true that you will rarely get support from Mumsnetters for defending the right to deceive and lie, or much understanding about why anyone with integrity wouldn't regret at least those aspects of their affair, if not the experience overall. Because infidelity is multi-faceted. Unlike strawberry's assertion that is simply about sex with someone else, it involves far more than that. At the bare minimum, it requires a person to lie, deceive and live a life of dishonesty. It sometimes also means colluding in a stranger and his/her family's pain, if the affair is with another attached person.

The person who doesn't even regret that, even if with hindsight they can say that the affair propelled them out of an abusive or unhappy situation, is clearly vulnerable to doing it again and unlikely to get waves of support from people with rather more integrity.

WWifn - what would you say to me?

The person I had the affair with was single.

I was married but it was a car crash of a marriage, the affair gave me the perpective, let me see how I could be treated so differently by a man.

I am not proud of it - I broke vows I took seriously for many many years but I do not regret it, not for one second.

When, please be calm. Perhaps you spend too much time and energy giving advice and need to step back a little. You have helped lots of people but not all. There are many books on the subject, some better than others and it is unhealthy to stick to one doctrine.

yes i have cheated on an ex. was it nice of me no, but it pushed me into making a decision either i ended my relationship or i moved on, i moved on

people make mistakes, they get into situations they are not happy in and soemone comes along and makes them happy again it that such a crime

WWIFN does not stick to one doctrine. Of the posters on MN who talk about infidelity she is one of the few who recognise that good people do bad things, that there are many reasons why someone chooses to have an affair and that the OW isn't always the painted harlot that some other posters perceive her to be.

I had an affair and deeply regret it - the difference between me and many of you posting on this thread is that my marriage was and is very happy and stable. I chose to have an affair because the opportunity presented itself and selfishness and a sense of entitlement on my part overrode any moral objections I might have had. When the affair ended I fell into the trap of thinking that there was something wrong with my marriage, but a second affair and a subsequent period of counselling helped me to realise that, for various personal reasons I am vulnerable to infidelity.

I joined this board just over a year ago - two years after my affairs ended. I am in a good and loving relationship with my DH of over twenty years. Although I haven't posted looking for support, but rather posted in order to help OW by talking about my own experience, I have found the threads I have posted on have been very unjudgmental. I have learned so much from people like WWIFN who is on the other side of the affair experience to many of us on this thread.

Support doesn't mean always agreeing with the person who is looking for help - sometimes we need to give them a kick up the backside to make that person see the reality of their situation. I agree that there are some people on MN who are judgmental about affairs and OW, but I think that sometimes people respond to the OPs tone of 'voice'. If you are going to come on here and flaunt your infidelity, amongst so many other women who are going through the hell of discovering their DHs infidelity, then you will get flamed. If, on the other hand, you are prepared to talk openly and honestly about the fact that you have been unfaithful, and the effect it has had on you and your relationship (in fact in the way this thread started) then you will get support. I've met some marvellously supportive OW on here, who are prepared to share their experiences, but also are prepared to be honest about what they have done in terms of the damage their infidelity has caused to them and their loved ones.

Freud, I think to be honest thats how most of these things start - there is something wrong in the relationship and someone looks outside it to get whatever it is they feel is missing. and no its not a crime to be happy. People have affairs for all sorts of reasons - doesnt make them bad people neither is an affair necessarily a bad thing - it all is dependent on the people involved and the circumstances.

I agree also that everyone and anyone should be able to express an opinion without being told what is tasteless or inappropriate. Its like being back at school at times.

lostmyidentity

i'm with you all the way, honey, going through the same thing, thinking the same thoughts as you. sad, yes it is

good thread, glad it was started.