Anyone had an affair and not regreted it?

[kitty1]

I had fling with someone and never have regretted it. It helped me realise that my marriage was well and truly over and i couldnt go back.
By the point i had this fling my ex h and i hadnt had not been having sex because he had some issues he coudnt/wouldnt deal with.

I read some where once that when a woman emabarks on affair she has mentally packed her bags and left the relationship , when a man does it its usually because he is bored and craves excitement.

Anyone here feel the same?

Just, I am not surprised you had an affair ! I would never blame you in the circs you descibe.

However using you as an example , if your dh had posted here saying " I have just discovered my wife is having an affair " you can bet he would get several responses telling him it was not his fault! Just because he was the one being cheated on.

New here, so sorry to stick my two penneth in on such an emotive thread but I can see both sides to this.

I split up from my partner of 20 years because although he is a good dad and a brilliant provider we had grown apart and I was no longer in love with him. I was just eighteen when we got together and he was 11 years older. I took on his children aged 3 and 4 from day one (very disturbed bless them, long story and irrelevent to this discussion). We have 2 boys together that we both love immeasurably. But for the 2 years we were apart he stalked me incessantly, coming to blows with 2 men he saw me talking to through a pub window! I was never unfaithful to him while we were together and would never have dreamed of betraying him. We got back together a year ago, mainly because I realised he would never let me go and I was worn down by his behaviour. We are talking about a good man here who just loves me (is obsessed by me?) just a little too much! But I never stopped loving him, I just wasnt in love with him anymore.
But while we were apart I became good friends with another man, he makes me feel things my oh never has. Our friendship has continued since oh and I got back together and I know without a doubt that I truely love him. There hasn't been anything physical between us but I cant rule it out in the future. I think of him constantly, I hurt when he hurts and I smile when he is happy. I am being unfaithful because my oh doesnt know and is also good friends with this man (ultimate betrayal?) but I do know that my oh will never let me go so what choice do I have? for my kids sake I have to keep trying to make it work and bury my feelings.
All I am saying is that I too would have thought any affair unforgivable until I found myself in this situation. No one can judge anyone else unless they have walked in their shoes. There is hurt on every side of this debate.

Debs.....?

Can you please explain to me what "MORALS" are?

You use the word but i guess i dont understand what you mean when you say it.

I have purposefully kept my comments as secular as possible due to almost all of the commentators on here seeing religion as a huge problem to their clouded way of rationalizing their damaging behaviors.

So i see no reason why my questions are "untouchable", if it is reason that you people have made your god then by all means lets reason together.

Bleeding - thank you for the support. I am a totally different person now, life is a million times better, DP (who was OM) is just totally and utterly my soulmate. And I don't believe in soulmates

The point is though, if my ex had posted on here you can bet your bottom dollar that he would have posted "I'm so shocked. I don't know why but I've found out that my wife is having an affair. I work hard to provide for my family and I don't understand why she would do this"

Priest, really dont want to get into a religious discussion with you - and i think it will so im not going to explain anything to you regarding morals etc - just to say that morals/standards are individual to each person.

I find it uncomfortable talking about religion generally never mind on a forum such as this.

deb

romney you are welcome. sometimes I think people are just too set in their ways - they wont settle down with one person - no ones fault really - certainly not the person who is trying to make a go of it with them

just delighted for you - truly. When 2 people are separating - in my experience anyway- there is always one who feels victimised by it - it takes time for people to see their own role in the relationship clearly. I believe there are some relationships with one of the people involved is totally selfish, abusive, neglectful etc etc but sometimes there are 2 people contributing to its breakdown.

I think in your case the OM was really the darling partner on route

Deb

I think the regret thing can be an issue if people are saying that for the hurt and devastation that they have caused that they have no regrets.

Dee34 I completely agree with you on this and it was why I posted earlier on this thread and am doing so again now despite it perhaps not being the best place.

My ex did have an affair but I was certainly never a martyr about it. As horrendous as it was to be on the receiving end of his behaviour, on discovery I was glad I'd found out when I did so as not to waste anymore of my life on him. I have a good life now and a lovely DH.

I am not embittered and I don't spend my time judging others for the decisions they make about who to sleep with. However, for me, what happened has knocked my faith in humanity and this does get me down sometimes. The ow in my case knew my ex had newborn dts at home and still decided to embark on an affair. That is why I think that her marriage had to have been awful or abusive. Because otherwise I can't fathom how a woman with young dc herself would begin an affair with a man at that stage, knowing how tough those early months of parenthood are. I hold my ex almost entirely responsible for the affair (maybe some posters on this thread would suggest that there had to have been something lacking in our relationship or my ex wasn't having his needs met at home but I was actually pretty busy at the time), it was him who couldn't cope with fatherhood but do I wrestle with the the fact that there are some (and I really hope it isn't many) women around who consider a new dad a viable prospect to have an affair with and will put their own needs ahead of two babies, even if they are in an awful situation themselves. That is why the thread title sucked me in. Because to think that the ow in my case may have no regrets still leaves me cold.

[livingwreck] That is exactly how I feel! Apart from the fact that my dh didn't want me anymore anyway. I feel that my EA was my 'true love'(know how infantile that sounds,and never used to believe in it), just when we were dating 20 years ago, I let him get away (long story, involving SA in childhood, not suitable for this thread), I never recognised it, but he remained in love with me, that is why he came looking for me, his marriage was failing, in fact they got divorced in 2002! (still not legally remarried) But they seem to keep on trying to make things work for the kids sakes. So when he found me, he seriously considered whether this would be the last time they fell out. He decided to stay, and she actually changed her behaviour. But I get the impression if I had not posed a 'threat' she would still be behaving as she did before. I accept full responsibility for walking away 20 years ago, and the consequences, in fact he waited till I told him I was getting married to my dh till he made a commitment to anyone. As soon as I knew she was making an effort, and that my presence in their lives would upset this process I pulled back. I in fact sent him a message yesterday saying I don't want any further contact unless his wife is fully aware of his contact with me, or he is single again. But it hurts like hell. I am deeply in love with him, it is like a box has sprung open in my head and no matter how hard I try to shut it again, it just won't close. It seems I have been very instrumental in healing thier marriage! How very ironic.

[priest] thank you once again for your condesending, self righteous, judgemental remarks. As a ex-Christian I seem to remember the message of Christ (your leader) to be 'loving the unlovable' caring for the lonely, brokenhearted, confused. Judging and showing them where they went wrong is very much a skewed view of the Christian message. If you would like to start a thread on the 'morals of cheating according to the Christian faith' please go ahead, then you can huddle together with your like minded friends and have a good roasting of us 'bad evil cheaters'. Clearly you are very moralistic and according to the example that Jesus Christ himself set fall very far from the mark where humanity, love for they neighbour and loving the brokenhearted is concerned. Kindly refrain from feeling the need to share your understanding of morals and whatever other twat you peddle, we are all different and very few of us live by your moral code.

livingwreck do you actually WANT to be back with your children's dad?
The phrase "he won't let me go " is a bit worrying! You are free to leave any relationship you want, you do know that?

just, re your last post, that is exactly what I was trying to say .

If your dh ( who was a total shite ) had posted that on MN he would have got a ton of support and reassurance he had done nothing wrong.JUST BECAUSE he was the one "betrayed"

When he in fact totally had it coming.

So glad you are happy now

Debs the position you have taken is understsndable.

well my husband and i not been happy for a year or so thought moving might bring us closer together fresh start and all that god i was mistaken. I recently started seeing a friend 3 months ago who i care for dearly and has made me realise just how unhappy i am with my husband. i can no longer stay with my husband as i dont love him anymore i have 2children and i feel terrible that i have to do this to them and my husband. i want to move out but dont know where to start my huband is not a bad person and it would break his heart when i leave but i cant stay im just not happy.

^^

I doubt the poster you are addressing is even reading this considering it's 6 years old.

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