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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Anyone had an affair and not regreted it?

416 replies

kitty1 · 20/05/2011 21:43

I had fling with someone and never have regretted it. It helped me realise that my marriage was well and truly over and i couldnt go back.
By the point i had this fling my ex h and i hadnt had not been having sex because he had some issues he coudnt/wouldnt deal with.

I read some where once that when a woman emabarks on affair she has mentally packed her bags and left the relationship , when a man does it its usually because he is bored and craves excitement.

Anyone here feel the same?

OP posts:
Aislingorla · 24/05/2011 18:15

I thought you were not going to engage with me further?Have to have the last word/rant/hissy fit?
What points? Why did I come on When's support thread? Eh, thought it was an open forum, didn't know I needed your permission.
Bye now, Ginger, we 're not for each other.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 24/05/2011 18:24

I don't think, actually, it's that much of a terrible sin to point out to a poster that s/he is not always right and not always helpful. Professional counsellors are sometimes wrong, sometimes badly-trained, sometimes unable not to let their own prejudice/agenda/experience colour the advice they give, so the same is bound to be true of posters on an internet forum whose qualifications, if they claim to have them (and I am not accusing anyone in the Relationships are of claiming to have qualifications they do not have), may not be genuine, or may have been bought online or something.

Yes, there was a certain amount of spite directed at WWIFN, but there was also a certain amount of squawking along the lines of 'How *DARE anyone disgree with her.' I frequently disagree with her and say so. She isn't always right. Nor am I, not is anyone else. It's not at all healthy for any poster's opnions to be accepted as the absolute unquestionable truth about anyone else's situation.

abbeyroad · 24/05/2011 18:29

Ginger, Shirley sundayrose,

You have personally attacked aisling far more than she attacked wwifn. While she appears very capable of defending yourself, I think you should give it a rest and step off a thread which you have increasingly made off topic.

It's really like gangs in a playground here sometimes.

deburca · 24/05/2011 18:31

Tad, my dad was as disaster as well and I too have grown very independent and strong minded because of it. Plus my abuser was a male family member - my family were not very supportive when it came out - hence my independence and non-judgeyness.

I think its right that you shoudl be equal in your relationship, I also agree with you and your husband with regard to men/women who have affairs. I dont honestly think my ex was happy for a long time, in fact I wonder why we married at all - a question i have asked him. I think he lvd me and in fact still professes to but he couldnt be with anyone long term. I think he will always be searching for something or someone to make him feel ok and would doubt it will ever happen to be honest. He isnt happy in himself so no one else could make him happy.

The girl he had the affair with was young, pretty and a small bit naive. She was hook line and sinker as far as he was concerned and apparently had a dreadful time when they split. It was unpleasant for everyone - hurtful for everyone. It gave me a great big kick though - it woke me up.

Im so afraid on this forum of every trying to come across like i know it all - not sure about ther rest of you - because alot of friends, both mutual and individual of myself and my husbands gave poor advice regarding our marriage at the time (unintentional). I think its great that OW/OM come on here and get impartial advice and not judgement (from some anyway).

I would have lvd to be able to vent etc online during all of what happened to met and feel safe in doing so and above all accepted.

x

Deb

ShirleyKnot · 24/05/2011 18:35

Of course SGB, and when you disagree with a poster on a specific thread, the disagreement is contained there and doesn't stoop to you pointing things out about their life, asking questions about how much of a married life they have and dragging that disagreement around the boards. You, and most others would say something on the thread, along the lines of "I disagree with and here's why" That's normal behaviour. I absolutely do not believe that everything WWIFN posts is Holy and not up for scrutiny (and I'm sure WWIFN feels the same)

What I object to is the spite and malicious nature of this thread all aimed at one poster. I would do the same for you SGB, if I felt you were being bullied and harassed.

Gingerbeerandcreambuns · 24/05/2011 18:37

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LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 24/05/2011 18:41

Well, I have to pitch in. I shared my personal and upsetting experience about this a few pages back, and had a really supportive comment about it. I wish I hadn't fucking bothered. This has degenerated into the most massive bitching session I've seen for a while on MN. It's a disgrace. christalmighty, is this what MN is about?

Are posters who use the word REALLY being flamed for using such a word? God all fucking mighty. What a waste of time that was, reading this post. I'll never get those few minutes of my life back.

Fucking disgraceful.

deburca · 24/05/2011 18:42

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ShirleyKnot · 24/05/2011 18:48

Where have I attacked anyone? Confused?

strawberryjelly · 24/05/2011 18:54

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AnyFucker · 24/05/2011 19:09

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ilovemyteddy · 24/05/2011 19:12

WWIFN did have the guts to come and meet her critics in her post of two days ago. And still you are bitching two days later, and dragging what should have been a useful and supportive thread for OW like myself down into the gutter.

Others like myself have tried to defend her, but actually the debate was lost by the blatant character assassination (the views about her advice not being useful to everyone being replaced by bitching and personal comments about her marriage and the time she spends on here.) Yes we can debate and agree or disagree about posters views and opinions, but when a person's personal life is dragged onto the boards for certain posters to bitch over, then I'm afraid the argument that we should be able to question someone's views is lost.

If I were a conspiracy theorist I would wonder why some DW would want to hijack a support thread for OW ... Hmm

ShirleyKnot · 24/05/2011 19:17

This is my last post on this thread. I'm hiding it after this, not because I'm having a tantrum or am angry or over sensitive or any of the other accusations levelled against me; rather that I really don't want to keep bumping this thread into Active.

I'd firstly like to refute the claims that I am "projecting" some kind of hatred towards those who have affairs. It's simply not true. In fact I was very kind to a poster in OTBT who had posted there as someone who was married and having an affair with a married man. So...

Secondly - maybe you could set up a thread in OTBT where you can discuss this subject without being "jumped on" by those who have been at the sharp end of affairs. You can chat away then to your hearts content without it appearing in Active Conversations and without it showing in Google. This is a friendly suggestion, I hope it is taken as such.

Thirdly - If you want this thread to stand as a support thread, I strongly suggest you pack it in with the personal attacks and questioning of WWIFN. She has the respect of many posters on this board, and you do yourselves no favours with the way you have behaved. Maybe if you read back you will come to that realisation. Maybe not.

Finally, "as I said, if the poster in question had had the guts to come and meet her critics" Why should she? As you say in your next sentence "We live in a free democratic society"

Indeed we do. However there are sanctions here at MNHQ, some of you have fallen foul of these (hence the deletions) and you would do well to remember that much as you feel entitled to your point of view; as do others, like me, who have felt that some of you have overstepped the mark and wandered into a territory that is at best bullying, at worse...well.

I understand that it is the default position for some to shout and scream and be abusive when confronted with something they find uncomfortable. That doesn't mean that you should give vent to those feelings.

Aislingorla · 24/05/2011 19:19

Ginger, what sort of feelings are you talking about being symptomatic of a personality disorder? Have I missed something? I am actually taking Anti depressants at the moment for depression and anxiety. ( you probably knew this having looked up my posts on the Mental health threads, no?)

strawberryjelly · 24/05/2011 19:24

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AnyFucker · 24/05/2011 19:25

not sure why my post was also deleted, since mine wasn't the one that was deliberately and calculatedly inflammatory

< shrug >

AnyFucker · 24/05/2011 19:26

you trying to send me away, SJ ?

isn't that what you are accusing others of ?

gosh, stooping low aren't you Smile

AnyFucker · 24/05/2011 19:26

MNHQ needs to get rid of this thread

really don't see why they haven't, tbh

AnyFucker · 24/05/2011 19:29

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Aislingorla · 24/05/2011 19:31

It is getting too personal and almost impossible to follow and not helping anybody.

AnyFucker · 24/05/2011 19:32

precisely, aisling

maybe if it hadn't descended into personal attacks against an MN'er it would still be a reasonable discussion thread

AnyFucker · 24/05/2011 19:36

aisling...did you see SJ's comment before the post was deleted ?

do you think it reasonable for her to try and deliberately inflame wwifn ?

"if she (wwifn) had the guts to come back"

are these the words of someone that you still feel it was worth it to have contributed to the bad feeling against an individual

you have been used as a fall guy, aisling, if you could but see it

there was no support for you on the other thread was there ?

Aislingorla · 24/05/2011 19:36

Whatever....sigh!
Don't let it get to you so much, it's only an internet forum not R.L.

Gingerbeerandcreambuns · 24/05/2011 19:36

Actually it was someone else who mentioned a PD Aislingorla I only agreed. No I did not look up your threads, seriously I have no interest in anything you have to say. However I am sorry if you are struggling atm.

Oh and please do not try to imply that I am attacking your MH issues in an underhand way, I have had them myself in spades in the past.

Aislingorla · 24/05/2011 19:41

Yes, straw did support me and the whole thread was removed sometime this am. (again)sigh
I haven't been used as a ''fall guy''.
Just getting silly now.