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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is playing on my mind

251 replies

VictoriasSecret · 20/05/2011 19:09

I have a good marriage. We have 3 children and I am a sahm. My husband is a good, kind man who works hard. We have always had a good relationship. We bicker sometimes but don't really argue and he has never been violent or aggressive to me in any way.

A couple of weeks ago something happened and it is playing on my mind to the extent that I feel a bit upset when I think about it.

I take sleeping tablets so sleep very deeply. I woke in the early hours to find that my dh had his fingers inside me and was taking intimate pictures of me on his phone.

He didn't immediately stop when I woke. I was so shocked that I just let him carry on which he did for a few minutes. He then stopped and made a bit of a joke about it. I said very little and we both went to sleep. We haven't discussed it since.

I don't know what to think of it. I feel confused about what happened.

OP posts:
ScarlettWalking · 21/05/2011 12:59

Did he show you his phone?

Tambern · 21/05/2011 14:25

Two things leapt out in your reply. I'll highlight them

  1. I told him that what he had done was sexual assault and he was remarkably calm about it saying he was sorry

This is not a normal response. If he genuinely believed and accepted that what he'd done was wrong and sick, and a form of sexual assault, then he would be as shocked and as horrified as everyone who has posted on this thread is. He would beg you to forgive him, he'd try and offer explanations. I'm not saying it would be enough, but you would have clear signs that at least he thought he was in the wrong.

  1. it's very much appreciated because I literally have nobody in real life that I can talk to

This I'm afraid is a standard abuser model. Isolation of their victim from friends, family and support groups. Partially to keep you dependent on him, and partially to conceal evidence of abuse. And without being an alarmist, your children ARE at risk. Not necessarily (though it's not beyond the bounds of possibility) from what he did to you, but certainly at risk of abuse and isolation. For their sake as well as your own, you need to do something

Allalone0 · 21/05/2011 17:54

whether this is real or not, it does happen to real people.

And if nothing else at least there has been a huge amount of useful advice coming from the people replying, which has probarbly helped so many like me to understand that they WERE being abused by their partner.
I have found answers to what I was going through with him.

so thank you OP for posting and thank you everyone for your usefull replies.

atswimtwolengths · 21/05/2011 18:25

Allalone0, what makes you think this might not be real?

Allalone0 · 21/05/2011 18:43

I don't think it isn't real, I believe the OP. Just some others don't.

I just felt like sharing how its helped me somewhat to hear peoples views.

GypsyMoth · 21/05/2011 18:49

yhe scary thing is,this poster seems to not even want to entertain the idea of leaving this man

i think she fully expected us all to brush it off as not important at all in the scheme of things. and now she feels railroaded into confronting it......and her parents will then be aware of the situation......and her support from dh will be gone. essentially,she will then be left to cope on her own,and she is too scared and vulnerable to consider it. so she will sgtay,not rock the boat and most likely,wont be back to this thread.
just my take on it

Allalone0 · 21/05/2011 19:04

maybe so Ilove and maybe she just needs time to think things through and get her head round it all, espec with all the meds shes on.

Which is difficult in itself and even more so if he is not giving her the time or space to think for herself.
It seems she has been abused and isolated so much so over the years that she doesnt trust her own judgement, which i can certainly relate to.

If you have been with someone for along time and have children with them then it is very very difficult to just up and leave. It takes time and alot of courage.
At least she has the courage to come on here and post rather than just try and keep it to herself, maybe she will feel stronger and confide in someone in the RW.
Small steps are better than no steps in my opinion.

GypsyMoth · 21/05/2011 19:08

yes allalone,i have been there. took quite a while for me to leave my abusive ex. most of the small steps i took were in my head.....emotionally detaching,thinking things through etc

ManicAnnie · 21/05/2011 19:11

What an absolutely vile thing to do. He has problems. You cannot ignore this. It wont go away.

Allalone0 · 21/05/2011 19:25

Same here, I had thought about leaving once my dcs were old enough and living their independent lives. Till then i was putting up with him.

But his abuse didnt stop at me it carried onto our dd, thats when I COULDNT JUST PUT UP WITH IT anymore. I HAD to do something.

I was scared very scared about how I would cope ALL ON MY OWN.
Being from an ethnic minority background how my family may disown me and the community aswell due to the shame of being a woman who doesnt live with her husband.

But when i allowed myself the time to think things through, what people thought of me wasnt at all important in relation to the wellbeing of my dd.

physically taking yourself away from your abuser isnt nearly as hard as emotionally detaching yourself, it takes alot of coming and going before you can finally make the break.

You are deliberately isolated from others and made to think and feel that you are nothing without your abuser.

But when I did make the break I have realised HOW MUCH I was doing ALL ON MY OWN and actually HOW LITTLE GOOD HE DID within the marriage, he messed me up aswell as our lives.
But I made a decision to NOT let him win!!

I am trying to reclaim my life and look to a hopeful future with My DC's....

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 21/05/2011 19:34

How are you feeling now you have spoken? Do you feel you can use your meds when needed? Is there anyone in rl you can talk too?

madonnawhore · 21/05/2011 19:35

OP I am thinking of you today and hope you're alright. Do come back to this thread if you need support. We all believe you and want to help you.

Saffysmum · 21/05/2011 19:51

Because I work in MH, I know that one of the meds that OP is on is for one of two serious MH disorders, either disorders need carefully monitoring, so - this isn't just about pnd or depression, etc. There's a serious condition here. If you are reading OP, please post if you can, but crucially take your medication exactly as prescribed, and please, please, please call you Mental Health team. You need their help now more than ever. Thinking of you.

atswimtwolengths · 21/05/2011 19:54

I think a lot of us will have Googled the meds, Saffysmum. Makes it even more sickening what he's done, in my view.

davidtennantsmistress · 21/05/2011 19:56

agree totally with saffy - please see your team.

how are you this evening?

Saffysmum · 21/05/2011 19:58

You're so right there's no excuse in the world for what he's done atswim...none whatsoever, sickening is the right word.

PhishFoodAddiction · 21/05/2011 20:40

VictoriasSecret, just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you.

When you told your husband he had sexually assaulted you- his reaction spoke volumes. Or should I say, his lack of reaction? He doesn't think he has done anything wrong. He is trying to minimise his actions. Disgusting. He'll probably end up making out you're over-reacting if you broach it again. Don't let him.

As others have said, keep in contact with your MHT and get all the support you can. Will you feel able to talk to your Mum about what has happened? Is there anyone at all who can give you some RL support?

How do you feel after talking to him about it?

Original poster
VictoriasSecret · 21/05/2011 21:20

Hi all, I'm ok this evening, my parents are here so won't be around properly til later.

Just to clarify, I take quetiapine because my psychiatrist suspects I have bipolar. I am being closely monitored at the moment so that a proper diagnosis can be reached. I'm quite stable at the moment though. I see my CPN several times a week so I'm getting lots of support with my mental health issues.

My dc have been out with my parents this afternoon so I had a chance to speak to H again. He said he feels sick every time I say he assaulted me but he was still very unemotional. As somebody said most people would be really upset and horrified but H's reactions are very measured. He's been following me round the house too, trying to cuddle me or hold my hand. It's like he is looking for reassurance.

I really don't know what to think at the moment. He isn't abusive in any other way. When I look at him in the cold light of day I can't believe what he did to me. Its almost like it was all a bad dream.

I have looked at his phone and he has deleted the images. I do believe him when he says he didn't put them on any websites.

OP posts:
gingeroots · 21/05/2011 22:30

I'm thinking of you VictoriasSecret .
I expect your H is also in shock - his secret life been found out - and wondering how to react .
I can't help thinking that what he did was planned ,not impulsive .
And I can't help thinking that the way he's acting now is because he feels guilty ,not because he's kind or supportive .

He feels sick every time you mention that he assaulted you ? He should be feeling sick ,not because you're naming it ,but because he's ashamed of what he did.IYSWIM.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this .

Original poster
VictoriasSecret · 21/05/2011 22:57

Thanks for thinking of me 

OP posts:
somedayillbesaturdaynite · 22/05/2011 05:04

Striking so many chords with my abusive ex, the journey you describe is almost identical to my own.

Please OP if you do nothing else today cchange all of your online passwords including the email account you use for forgotten passwords. If he knows mn username please change that too, and always log out of everything even on your phone.

You WILL get through this and we are all here to help you.

Original poster
VictoriasSecret · 22/05/2011 12:23

Still trying to get my head round this. Why do I feel like I am the one in the wrong? My H sexually assaulted me and yet I feel like he hasn't really done anything wrong.

OP posts:
Saffysmum · 22/05/2011 12:27

Perhaps VS, because he's controlled and undermined you to such an extent that your self esteem is at rock bottom, and you don't see yourself as deserving his respect?

atswimtwolengths · 22/05/2011 12:34

What was his reaction when you asked whether he'd posted them on the internet? If I were you, to be honest, as soon as his back's turned I'd be taking the computer 'to be mended' - ie take it to someone who can tell you what pictures/videos are on there.

Original poster
VictoriasSecret · 22/05/2011 12:36

My self esteem is very low. I feel a complete failure as a wife and mother.

I was a single parent before I met him. I worked full time and looked after my children with no help from anyone.

My PND and BP has left me so low that some days I feel unable to even leave the house. I rely on H to fetch bits of shopping and basically hold everything together.

If I leave him how will I manage on my own?

OP posts: