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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is playing on my mind

251 replies

VictoriasSecret · 20/05/2011 19:09

I have a good marriage. We have 3 children and I am a sahm. My husband is a good, kind man who works hard. We have always had a good relationship. We bicker sometimes but don't really argue and he has never been violent or aggressive to me in any way.

A couple of weeks ago something happened and it is playing on my mind to the extent that I feel a bit upset when I think about it.

I take sleeping tablets so sleep very deeply. I woke in the early hours to find that my dh had his fingers inside me and was taking intimate pictures of me on his phone.

He didn't immediately stop when I woke. I was so shocked that I just let him carry on which he did for a few minutes. He then stopped and made a bit of a joke about it. I said very little and we both went to sleep. We haven't discussed it since.

I don't know what to think of it. I feel confused about what happened.

OP posts:
bubaluchy · 20/05/2011 19:49

Wow how one action can change the course of your life forever, be brave x

AyeRobot · 20/05/2011 19:50

VictoriasSecret, I am so sorry he did this to you. You don't have to pay this price for him helping you through a tough time. Truly kind men do that anyway without abusing their wives. It's OK if it takes you some time to get your head around what has happened and maybe speaking to Rape Crisis can help you to do that.

Can you sleep in a different room for now?

shineoncrazydiam0nd · 20/05/2011 20:03

Well, it's definitely sexual assault and I'm sorry to hear this OP.

As for the few posts saying he could turn this attention to the kids- Nah, I don't believe this. There is a world of difference between what he has done and being a paedophile that's for sure, so this wouldn't be concerning me.

I would be considering my marriage very carefully though. Are these pics still on his mobile?

ScarlettWalking · 20/05/2011 20:06

I am not surprised you had a breakdown.

There is something very wrong with your husband and your marriage. Why do you want to stay "calm" after something as outrageous as this has happend to you? The reaction would be to get angry, disgusted and horrified. Don't suppress your natural reaction to this dreadful assault.

atswimtwolengths · 20/05/2011 20:09

This is assault.

Did you look at his phone? What exactly is on there? Have you checked the computer? Do you know how to really search it?

GypsyMoth · 20/05/2011 20:13

and videos,check those too

MigratingCoconuts · 20/05/2011 20:16

Sad wouldn't be so sure this wasn't the first time or that it will be the last. Is he banking on those times you have taken the pills?

meltedchocolate · 20/05/2011 20:26

I'm so so sorry OP, this has genuinely shocked me. I would just get out of the relationship. YOU WILL be OK without him.

megagusset · 20/05/2011 20:28

Op, I think you should seek some support in Real Life about this - and whilst that may be hard for you at the outset, you need to recognise that what has happened to you has most likely happened before as well, if he has realised you slept deeply enough not to wake during an assault for pics to be taken.

See your GP, or an independent counsellor, there are many who can talk you through this and help you to realise his actions are wrong - at so many levels.

You and your dc are worth far far more than this base treatment, please consider the advice you've had and talk to someone... the very fact you've NOT discussed this with you dh speaks volumes, and I suspect if you DID talk with him he'd just belittle you and erode your self-esteem even further.

Be brave. Make the call.

ladyandthechocolate · 20/05/2011 20:28

Ok, i'm going to stick my neck out and say that you really need to hear his explanation for this before you write off your marriage. It's so easy for other people to say "bin him" when there is so much at stake. I am in no way condoning his behaviour but I think you need to consider your sexual and emotional relationship and how his behaviour fits into it.
How is your sex life normally and what are his fantasies? My DH says he often sees me sleeping and fancies giving me a gentle grope to see if i'm in the mood for a quickie and i'll do the same to him. He loves being woken with a morning BJ, is that somehow different to his your DH's behaviour?
Have you taken photos of each other before? Clearly he needs your consent before he takes intimate pictures of you as he sure as hell has slipped up here but will he just use your photos for his own personal porn?
I'm probably going to get a pasting for saying all this but I just think you should hear what he has to say first. There is a massive difference between abusive behaviour and slightly pushing the sexual boundaries within an otherwise happy relationship.

AyeRobot · 20/05/2011 20:35

Yes, you will get a pasting, ladyandthechocolate, and rightly so.

There is a vast difference between a standing, discussed agreement on being woken up in a sexual manner and unmentioned-previously penetration (by fingers or penis) whilst you are asleep.

"Slipped up"? "Personal porn"? Can you just stop for a minute and think about what you are saying?

PhishFoodAddiction · 20/05/2011 20:38

lady- I don't think being woken with a gentle grope was on the agenda in this situation- I don't think he expected the OP to wake at all. Not comparable IMO.

VictoriasSecret I think you seriously need to consider getting out. I know it's difficult coping with depression, children and running a home but there is help out there. He would have to support you and the children financially too.

What he has done is revolting, it is sexual assault, he filmed himself abusing you- you seem a bit numb about it all but now is the time to get angry. If you say nothing, he will assume his behaviour was okay and it wasn't.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you Sad.

Original poster
VictoriasSecret · 20/05/2011 20:42

I am still here. My head is spinning at the moment. I dont know what to say. I feel trapped. It's very easy to say leave him but in reality it's very difficult. Everyone would be devastated.

I'm not sure I love him any more but I am totally dependent on him.

I am going to talk to him about this tonight my eldest will be in bed at 9 after she is asleep.

I feel so powerless. Sad

OP posts:
meltedchocolate · 20/05/2011 20:42

I agree that she needs to hear his side but I can not think of anything that would condone it. If they hadn't had sex for a very long time and he had just gone a bit horny loopy that ONE TIME then perhaps they could improve their sex life and save their marriage but I just think this is so so so strange. It does seem more like assault to me I'm afraid. OPs reaction doesn't seem to imply that waking up with groping/ teasing/ whatever is that normal for them so I don't think that is really an excuse.

Original poster
VictoriasSecret · 20/05/2011 20:43

I am numb! That's exactly how I feel.

OP posts:
Malificence · 20/05/2011 20:46

Good, kind men who love and respect their wives do NOT do this, ever.
It's a violation of love and trust in the very worst way imaginable.
Pushing sexual boundaries? Hmm

Is there anything more creepy than the thought of your partner taking sexual pictures of you while you are comatose and have not given any kind of consent?

squeakytoy · 20/05/2011 20:55

You are only dependent on him at the moment. You dont need to be any more.

He has abused and violated you.

I would have packed his stuff into bin liners and he wouldnt be stepping foot over my door by now, and I really do mean that. I would be utterly disgusted by my husband if he did this and I could never look at him or let him touch me ever again.

It would be the phone bit that would finalise it for me.

Saffysmum · 20/05/2011 21:00

OP - I am answering your OP in the belief that it is genuine.

You had a breakdown, you now suffer from insomnia, and have to have such strong medication that you are put in such a deep sleep, that someone (the man you say is lovely) can do what he does, violate you as he does,and you struggle to wake up. That's strong meds! (by the way, I'm a mental health nurse, so I do understand about meds). So, putting aside the awful thing he did, I would like to ask: Why did you have a breakdown? Why are you suffering from such chronic insomnia that you need so strong medication? You feel that you can't live without him, well, sorry but you can. But first, can you answer my questions? I think we then may be able to help you further.

Original poster
VictoriasSecret · 20/05/2011 21:07

I suffered with very bad Pnd after the birth of my last child, this lead to me having a breakdown. During this timeI tried to harm myself and dh was the one who got me through. I have a lot of imput from the community mental health team. Without dh being there I have no doubt I would have been referred to social services as I was barely able to care for myself let alone 3 children. I am still in a vulnerable position, if he isn't here they hcp may well think I'm not able to take care of my children and refer me to Ss. What if they take my dc off me?

OP posts:
Original poster
VictoriasSecret · 20/05/2011 21:08

I am on the sleeping tablets because without them I only manage about 3 hours a night and can't function the next day.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 20/05/2011 21:10

my god!!Shock

things are this bad? he really took advantage,but i can see you're reluctant to rock the boat here.

family who could help?

Original poster
VictoriasSecret · 20/05/2011 21:12

Saffy, I also take quetiapine, I'm on quiet a high dose at the moment and that contributes to me sleeping to heavily.

OP posts:
Original poster
VictoriasSecret · 20/05/2011 21:13

I have no family nearby but my parents are moving next month to be closer to us to help us out. They adore dh!

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 20/05/2011 21:14

You shouldnt have to endure this sort of incident because you feel you have no choice.

I would say you will sleep better if you are alone in a bed, safe in the knowledge that nobody will be interfering with you while you sleep

squeakytoy · 20/05/2011 21:15

They wouldnt adore him if they knew about this!. I am not suggesting you tell them, but if you have a close relationship with your mum and feel able to discuss intimate things, then yes, you should talk to your mum.

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