Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11

Original poster

This is playing on my mind

251 replies

VictoriasSecret · 20/05/2011 19:09

I have a good marriage. We have 3 children and I am a sahm. My husband is a good, kind man who works hard. We have always had a good relationship. We bicker sometimes but don't really argue and he has never been violent or aggressive to me in any way.

A couple of weeks ago something happened and it is playing on my mind to the extent that I feel a bit upset when I think about it.

I take sleeping tablets so sleep very deeply. I woke in the early hours to find that my dh had his fingers inside me and was taking intimate pictures of me on his phone.

He didn't immediately stop when I woke. I was so shocked that I just let him carry on which he did for a few minutes. He then stopped and made a bit of a joke about it. I said very little and we both went to sleep. We haven't discussed it since.

I don't know what to think of it. I feel confused about what happened.

OP posts:

Original poster

VictoriasSecret · 20/05/2011 19:29

Fwiw I really don't think he would post pictures of me on the Internet.

The sleeping tablets do make me really groggy, takes me ages to wake up properly.

OP posts:

shesgotherlipstickon · 20/05/2011 19:30

So know we are getting to the crux. He sexually assaulted you, took photographic evidence, for all you know Jimmy at the school ngates could be staring at it every night.

Yet you don't want to confront him, because it may mean the end of your marriage?

What has happened to make you feel so worthelss in this "good" marriage, that you think this is ok? That you'd rather not deal with it?

Lipstickgal · 20/05/2011 19:31

Why has he taken the pictures? Why are you avoiding facing him about this?

BooyHoo · 20/05/2011 19:31

i dated an incredibly kind, salt of the earth, pillar of the community kind of guy a few years ago. he honestly was lovely. everyone that knew him spoke really highly of him. one night (a few months into the relationship) i became semi conscious and was aware that my body was rocking. rocking in the way it would if if i was having sex or someone was penetrating me with their hand. i mumbled in my sleep, "what are you doing?" and he replied "i was just giving you a hug". in my half asleep state it didn't register in my head what the rocking sensation was and i went back over to sleep. it was only in the morning when i had a flashback of it that i realised what had happened. thankfully my best friend had been staying over with her partner and i told her immediately what had happened. she stayed in the house while i confronted him and he broke down in tears saying i was ruining his reputation. he never denied doing it but didn't confirm it either. he kept on saying "how can you accuse me of this. you will ruin me?" he left that morning. to this day i don't know what happened to me that night. i dont know if it happened more than once and i probably never will.

i am 99% certain i was sexually assaulted OP and i am damn sure you have been aswell. your husband is not a good man.

LordofthePies · 20/05/2011 19:31

If this is a genuine thread, I don't understand why you aren't more angry/upset.

What really is there "to work out"?

WowOoo · 20/05/2011 19:31

This is on a par with a bloke who will put Rohypnol or similar - (date rape drug, a sleeping tablet I think) - in a victim/friend/target's drink.

Except he's meant to be your loving husband.
Stay calm and plan your future in small steps i'd say.
I could not possibly stay calm in your shoes.
Not trashing the phone was good. You need evidence.Gutted this is happening to you.

GypsyMoth · 20/05/2011 19:32

sorry,but i think this IS the end of your marriage

how old are the children?

Original poster

VictoriasSecret · 20/05/2011 19:33

I don't want to end my marriage because I can't manage without him. I've been unwell for several years and he holds the family together. He does a huge amount around the house and with the kids and is also the sole breadwinner. I can't cope with the dc on my own.

OP posts:

BooyHoo · 20/05/2011 19:33

"FWIW i really dont think he would post pictures of me on the internet"

did you ever think he would put his hands inside you while you were asleep and take pictures? if you did, why the hell did you marry him?

Original poster

VictoriasSecret · 20/05/2011 19:35

No booy I didn't

OP posts:

Pictish · 20/05/2011 19:35

OMG - so sorry but that is stomach churning!!
Who DOES that except a creep?!

shesgotherlipstickon · 20/05/2011 19:37

If this is real, I'm out. Op your husband, if this is true is a sexual predator, for all you know you are all over the net, for the dc's to see at a later date and joe blooggs down the road.

If he is/has been a heavy porn user, they can get twisted like this, who's to say your dc's won't be next, when assaulting you dosen't "cut it".

What a bizzare thread.

TheOriginalFAB · 20/05/2011 19:38

He has to support you and the children financially and you don't have to stay married and available for assault for him to do that .

Lipstickgal · 20/05/2011 19:39

If he had an affair and left you would manage. If he hurt one of your children you would manage without him I would hope. There is support available. You don't have to define yourself as dependent you are choosing to.

GypsyMoth · 20/05/2011 19:39

right....i'm going to be blunt....what about your dc?? he may have taken pics of them too.

a man who stoops to this level with YOU when you are ILL,may well extend his habit.

Original poster

VictoriasSecret · 20/05/2011 19:41

I can't manage on a practical level though. I had a nervous break down last year and I'm still really fragile. Dh was the thing that held our family together.

OP posts:

Pictish · 20/05/2011 19:41

You must discuss this with your h.

If you do not, he will certainly do it again, as by your silence you have given him your compliance.

Original poster

VictoriasSecret · 20/05/2011 19:41

There is no way he would have taken pictures of the children!

OP posts:

Lipstickgal · 20/05/2011 19:43

Staying with a person who has done this to you will not aide your recovery.

LordofthePies · 20/05/2011 19:44

So he takes advantage of your vulnerability to sexually abuse you?

Agree with I love.........I think your DC may be at serious risk.

BooyHoo · 20/05/2011 19:44

victoria there is help available. have you seen your GP about some counselling? homestart is a charity that can provide practical care for families that need help. do not sacrifice your basic human right to decide when you are touched because you feel dependant on him. i guarantee you that as difficult as it may seem facing a future without him, you can do it. there will be a way to organise your life to make it easier for you. have you spoken to women's aid?

BooyHoo · 20/05/2011 19:46

victoria, you thought there was no way he would do it to you, why are you so sure he wouldn't do it to the children. he clearly has no problem crossing boundaries. how do you know what boundaries are too far for him? he has proven that you have no idea what he is capable of.

GypsyMoth · 20/05/2011 19:47

sorry,dont want to upset you op,but is something you need to consider. he's acted out of character.....who knows where it will end.

LordofthePies · 20/05/2011 19:48

And I've just reread your original post......

The bit where you said he made a"bit of a joke about it" regarding you waking up.

That's really disturbing actually.

shesgotherlipstickon · 20/05/2011 19:48

Listen, I suggested the dc's then I love did, so obviously it has accoured to two people here.

Sexual predators, which he is aren't choosy.

I have no idea why people post stuff like this, honestly. Ignore all the advice, especially when it comes to dc's and say "oh he'd never" and try and justify it.

There is help out there and mn'ers will help you get it, but you have to want to be safe from this man and want your dc's to be safe. If you don't, then carry on :(

All the best.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11

Swipe left for the next trending thread