This is playing on my mind

[VictoriasSecret]

I have a good marriage. We have 3 children and I am a sahm. My husband is a good, kind man who works hard. We have always had a good relationship. We bicker sometimes but don't really argue and he has never been violent or aggressive to me in any way.

A couple of weeks ago something happened and it is playing on my mind to the extent that I feel a bit upset when I think about it.

I take sleeping tablets so sleep very deeply. I woke in the early hours to find that my dh had his fingers inside me and was taking intimate pictures of me on his phone.

He didn't immediately stop when I woke. I was so shocked that I just let him carry on which he did for a few minutes. He then stopped and made a bit of a joke about it. I said very little and we both went to sleep. We haven't discussed it since.

I don't know what to think of it. I feel confused about what happened.

It's great that your parents are moving nearby. I'm sorry that you have been having a hard time of it. This is really the poo icing on a very shitty cake, isn't it?

Would it help to run through some possible "explanations" that your husband might have for his behaviour, so that you are prepared for when you talk to him? Not that I think there are any that don't defy decency, respect, logic and legality...

seriously??

my god, what a weirdo.

It wouldn't surprise me I'm afraid, if it turned out that a lot of your mental health issues have actually been caused by your H - and you may have got yourself locked into a script that he has instead, been your saviour.

It isn't logical or rational that a man has been as kind, supportive and loving as you initially described him - and then he suddenly sexually assaulted you while you were asleep - and took pictures of the act. I think this man has been depraved and abusive of you for a very long time, but you've been too ill to acknowledge it.

He certainly won't have been the first man to convince a woman that she was losing her mind and needed stupefying drugs - and you aren't the first woman whose mental health unravelled in response to behaviour in her H. You might find that a lot of your ill health vanishes, once you're away from him.

You really need to talk to someone in RL about this though.

Wwifn you make a lot of sense as always but how could he have been abusing me without me realising it?

I was wondering that, whenwillIfeelnormal. For a long time, I lived under the illusion of, "If it were not for my partner" but as it turned out, he was the cause of most of my problems at the time.

I hope you're OK, OP. As others have said, you really need some real life support

there could well have been other occasions you have slept through....

VictoriasSecret I didn't realise my ex had been abusive until a year after our relationship ended! These things start out in such a subtle way aka the boiling frog analogy. I always knew something was 'wrong' but I was always manipulated into thinking all the problems in the relationship were down to me.

It's understandable that you feel numb, and also that you feel trapped and without options.

It's very difficult when you've not been coping well, to consider leaving the person who has kept everything going for you. But this is way more than a minor thing he has done. There is NO excuse for it. How could you ever trust him again?

It's scary to think of going it alone-but scarier to think the man who 'loves' you would use your body in such a disgraceful way.

Please let us know how the conversation goes- and make sure he knows how you feel. Good luck.

but how could he have been abusing me without me realising it?

The times that you didnt wake up :(

WWIFN- great post.

VictoriasSecret- your mental health might easily improve if you were away from your H.

Thanks OP for answering my post about the meds. It was brave and honest of you. I too suffered severe PND following the birth on my YS, but was given excellent medical advice and an AD which helped. Looking back, I now see (and this ties in with WWIFN's valuable insights) that part of the reason I felt the way I did, was because I didn't get the help and support I needed from H. Think way back before you had the baby, that you think triggered the PND please. How where you then? How was your relationship then? How was he during the pregnancy - were things good then? Think long and hard about these questions.

Your husband has violated you. Of that there is no doubt. I'm so pleased that you have your parents moving close by. Please lean on them. If you don't feel you can tell them everything, please tell someone, a close friend perhaps, who can support you. You have done nothing wrong my love, and you need as much support as you can get.

I think that many of your MH issues are rooted in your unhappy marriage to a man who has encouraged you to be totally dependant and reliant on him for coping. But you can, and you will cope without him. He really has overstepped the line here. You deserve support and help. Please keep posting, so that we can help you. Don't blame yourself, and don't think you deserve this. I think your confidence is at rock bottom, so well done on posting here X

I really appreciate your kind words.

I know I need to act on this but it's going to take me time. I can't just up and leave.

My dd is in bed now so going to speak to H. Feel sick with nerves.

victoria - I was the same, I always believed my marriage was one which I had to work at, it wasn't until I was telling my dad waht was happening once i'd come home (bits & peices not all of it) he said you do realise this man has been abusing you. :( - and that was after we'd been together for 8 years. I thought I had to work harder. :(

it is possible especially with your other health issues.

I'd say this isn't the first time and it is assult, he KNEW you took tablets- remember that and wasn't planning on you waking up - ALSO REMEMBER that. He might well only do it at time's you've taken the tablets - from this POV what sort of a man gets his jollies by doing this to a woman 9much less his wife whom he's suppose to adore cherish & protect) when she's literally unconscious, I agree it is on a par with the date rape type of a thing when it comes to the POV of you not knowing & having zero control over your faculties.

your DC maybe in danger, they may not - you know them, and their behaviour. however a man who does this to his wife, I agree has no concept of personal boundaries - you are NOT his property and he is NOT entitled. I would be protecting my kids at all costs.

have a chat with your mum, asatain exactly what's been happening. Also I assume you're still in contact with your health team? - if so i'd actually speak in confidence to one of them, to get things off your chest, but also it is (I think) too bigger thing to deal with alone and given your history you will need to have some RL support.

SS will not take your children away at the first opportunities, but they will help to support you & dc if you chose that route, as i'm sure your parents will do - if you choose that route your parents and yourself will be able to look after DC's to ensure that with a little extra help DC's stay with you. When you talk to your H expect him to say it was a one off, your imagining it, it was nothing big. but he has VIOLATED you at the very very least.

(oh and the poster who said about sexual boundries pushing - DP & I love doing this, however we discuss at length first our ideas, we then think on things discuss again and then agree a time - he's all for a bit of morning action as am I - however we wake the other up enough so they're fully aware of what is happening & able to say get off if they want to)

Thinking of you. Hope you know that we all thinking of you when you talk to your husband.

I believe you.

good luck, you're strong, you've come back from a break down. it's not going to change over night, it's not going to be easy whatever you choose, but with a good support network you will and can come back stronger.

I don't think anyone's expecting you to kick him out today or even tomorrow - be rational think clearly and seek advice through the proper RL channels - it may even be worth giving woman's aid a call as well.

Good God there is something really sinister and just really very sick about what your husband has done. He has seriously crossed a line, and sadly IMO a line that cannot be crossed back.

If it were me, I would want to confront him but I think I would first be looking at his phone myself to see if there are other images on there, how many he took and research all of the activity (calls texts etc) on the phone. I would also be looking at the home pc/his laptop to see what he has been doing and what kind of internet activity he was doing. I would do this first before confronting/speaking to him, if only to attempt to build a better and more informed picture of the man - he is obviously not quite 100% what you thought he was.

Alot of people find themselves in shit situations that mean its then end of a marriage. Few people ever find it easy to leave. You do not have to up and leave him today/this week or boot him out right away if you decide this is game over, you can make plans to get him out or get out yourself. Constructive and practical planning perhaps confiding in someone you trust. This would help you feel so helpless about the situation ans actually prove to yourself that where there is a will there is a way. Personally for me, dont think I could copw with sharing the sofa with a man who had done this let alone a home or bed.

You would cope if you had to. I expect you are stronger than you realise. There is help out there and I would suggest no matter what the outcome is for your relationship you do everything you can to get help, support and counselling from outside your home to build yourself emotionally back up.

Really feel for you, but be sure of 1 thing - your husbands behavious is nothing short of pure sick and sinister. None of this is your fault or your doing.

Hope the talk with H is going ok. Because of one of the drugs you mentioned, I think it's crucial that you call your mental health team asap, you need their support. Of course no one expects you to throw him out overnight. Small steps that suit you is what you need. Go easy on yourself, and please call your MH team, I can't reiterate that enough. As far as how you proceed with your husband, do this at your own pace, and H needs to accept that you need as long as it takes. This is a lot for you to cope with so lean on us, your RL support and your MH team. Social Services will have your best interests at heart, they will support you and the last thing they will want to do is take children away. Please believe this. Good luck.

hope it went ok op!!

Victoria's Secret, your post above did not sound like your words. They sound like a very carefully drilled in manifesto of your role in your relationship. It was almost like a robot saying them. Is that genuinely who you are, or is that what you've been indoctrinated into believing over the last couple of years?

Abusers are not always of the overtly physical sort. Some of them thrive on being the complete dominator within a relationship and that sounds like your partner. You say he is the earner, he does most of the work within the house and looks after the children, and that you'd be lost without him. To me, that sounds less like you're fundamentally incapable and more like the actions of someone who needs to control everything around him.

But just controlling your environment and your life isn't enough for him anymore. He's moved on to controlling and using your body. What he did was severe sexual assault, and the photography is almost certainly being shared on the internet.

I understand it's difficult for you to leave, but can I suggest a compromise? You remove the hard-drive from the computer he uses and send it to someone who can search it thoroughly for images. Same with his phone. If you can't face telling him, then do it when he isn't there. Take his phone, and tell him he must have lost it. The hard drive can be done in a day by the right people. If what comes back is incontrovertible proof that those photos have been shared, then you need to take it to the police. Where you go from there is up to you.

WWIFN has said exactly what I was thinking. I think this man is the cause of your problems, not the help that you think he is. Once you get him out of your life you will realise this.

Tambern, I think it is drilled into me that I am the dependent one in my marriage, that my H is this wonderful man who carries me and holds the family together and I am the weak one, a burden almost, and that without him I wouldn't be able to cope. It doesn't just come from H though. My family think he is amazing and even my Cpn often says what a wonderful and supportive H I have.

The thing is that on a practical level he does support me. for example today I've struggled so when he came in from work he let me go and have a lie down whilst he got the kids ready for bed and made supper. He did the whole bedtime routine with my youngest and got her settled down for the night.

I do feel like I am a burden. I feel guilty that I got ill and I feel ungrateful if I complain. Our sex life isn't great and if I'm honest sometimes I have sex with him because I feel that I should rather than wanting to.

I'm struggling to get my head round a lot of things because I honestly don't know what I think about anything any more. I don't trust my own judgements. I'm worried about making mistakes because I feel like I always get it wrong. I already let my children down and I'm scared of hurting them even more.

I did speak to H last night but it was quiet a short conversation. I explained how I felt and he say he was deeply sorry and that he knows ge went to far. He swears he hasn't done anything like it before and that he deleted the photos the very next morning. I told him that what he had done was sexual assault and he was remarkably calm about it saying he was sorry and that he wasn't proud of it. I didn't know what else to say then and he didn't say much more so the conversation ended.

I know I sound like a robot sometimes. That how I feel though tbh. I feel like I'm writing down the experiences of somebody else. I can't quite get my head round the fact that this is me I'm talking about. I am numb.

H got up this morning with the kids and I'm lying in bed. Another example of how supportive he is.

I don't know what to think at all. I am carefully reading all of your posts though and taking on board what is said. It's very much appreciated because I literally have nobody in real life that I can talk to.

please talk to your team around you, they are the supportive ones.

you say your H is supportive - but tbh he's not doing anything any other good partner wouldn't do - ie one who's wife didn't have all of the additional health issues you have - you don't 'owe' him anything, you owe yourself and your children. A good partner however wouldn't assault his wife when she was unconscious. A good partner wouldn't make his wife feel she has to have sex - much less he'd rather NOT have sex until she was fully on board.

I honestly wonder how many people in your RL networks would consider him a good kind supportive man when he's done this.

His response to me (sorry to say) but smacks of down playing arrogance & controlled pacifying of you. saying what he knows he must to ensure you go back to remaining silent and in your place again. I maybe wrong, and i I am apologies, he maybe full of remorse it might of been a one off, but sadly I don't think it is & also you've been conditioned through whatever means to take more of the burged on your shoulders than is appropriate. it's not all you to blame.

(not sure about the meds you are on but are you able to change those if you feel more numb/robotic at times - I didn't think meds were meant to do that - however I don't know enough about them so might be suggesting something stupid with that - again talk to your team about them)

What he did to you has turned my stomach. Have you read the (unofficial) survey thread re sexual assault. It is assault. I'm very sorry that this has happened to you.

VictoriasSecret. I don't think I have ever read such a chilling post. There is some very good advice here. Please seek help.
Thinking of you,and sending a big hug. And I don't care if that is frowned upon here!

Victoria one of the things that has got me wondering is the way the meds are making you feel, (as others have questioned also) could your husband have intefered with your medication???

Maybe so that you are Sooo out of your mind that you don't know whats happening.

A very worrying thought. :(