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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is playing on my mind

251 replies

VictoriasSecret · 20/05/2011 19:09

I have a good marriage. We have 3 children and I am a sahm. My husband is a good, kind man who works hard. We have always had a good relationship. We bicker sometimes but don't really argue and he has never been violent or aggressive to me in any way.

A couple of weeks ago something happened and it is playing on my mind to the extent that I feel a bit upset when I think about it.

I take sleeping tablets so sleep very deeply. I woke in the early hours to find that my dh had his fingers inside me and was taking intimate pictures of me on his phone.

He didn't immediately stop when I woke. I was so shocked that I just let him carry on which he did for a few minutes. He then stopped and made a bit of a joke about it. I said very little and we both went to sleep. We haven't discussed it since.

I don't know what to think of it. I feel confused about what happened.

OP posts:
gingeroots · 25/05/2011 22:39

meanwhile - VictoriasSecrets how are you ?
Thinking of you .

BestNameEver · 26/05/2011 08:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GypsyMoth · 26/05/2011 08:57

hmm...on my homepage there is a link today from NSPCC using police statistics they say a child sex crime was comitted every 20 mins last year!!!!!!

my dd is one of those statistics

fifi25 · 26/05/2011 08:59

Op thats awful and just wrong, why would he be filming this. You need to speak to somone and get some professional advice. Hope your ok

PhishFoodAddiction · 26/05/2011 09:55

VS- hope you are okay.

noddyholder · 26/05/2011 10:03

This is sexual assault. You do need to leave but contrary to what other posters are saying I think you do know that. All the justifications are to get you to the conclusion that your relationship is abusive and not something to save. You will get there with help.

whitechocolatebuttons · 26/05/2011 10:30

I was as gobsmacked as everyone else when i read your post but like you said, you need to be rational and have a clear head to start thinking of solutions to the problem you have. this is going to play on your mind unless you talk to him about it and thats not good for you. First off, as the innocent party you can afford to stay calm and rational. If he laughs it off or becomes defensive, let him know what he did is worrying you and you don't think its funny. How awful for your trust in your partner to be dissembled like that, when you are in such a vulnerable position. I doubt he realises the seriousness of what he did and hopefully it was an isolated incident but by making light of it, he won't be able to understand. Also, this doesn't really have anything to do with what sort of father he is, or how he is with the kids. Its to do with his relationship with you. I'm sorry for you and hope he can fix the situation somehow but i doubt its done your insomnia any good.

mushed · 26/05/2011 10:57

well said white chocolate

Cordova · 26/05/2011 11:39

I hope VS is still there. Your posts really worry me. Please protect yourself and your children from this man. I know how it feels to stare the end of your marriage in the face, but given what he has shown himself to be like, it was over before it began. You will not be losing anything.

Zanette · 26/05/2011 18:00

Firstly, amoungst all this fighting, there has been some good advice.

VS took the advice that she should discuss the subject with her DH, which for someone who's suffering is amazing. I also think it's good advice for her to sleep in a seperate bed to have some space and time to think without worry of having him beside her. I also agree that she should try to get some of her independance back for her own sake, and to show that she can do things on her own.

I certainly don't agree with those who are suggesting she should get rid of him & that he is a child molester without having full facts.

What he did was a terrible, terrible thing, there can be no doubting that. I can't comprehend of a single excuse which gives him any right to violate her. I do hope that this is a one off, and he is truly horrified with himself.

If it is a one off and he loves her, he will help her get back some independance, show her the computer where there should be no pictures and if necessary allow her to take it to be checked. He should allow her all the time and space to recover from this, in the spare room with a lock on the door if necessary.

I do hope you are ok VS, but I can understand if you've been frightened away by posters 'shouting' at each other and thinking more of themselves and their validity to comment based on their own personal experiences than the help you've bravely asked for.

AnyFucker · 26/05/2011 18:34

she has to sleep in the spare room with a lock on the door ?

surely that = marriage over ???

nothing more to say

how the hell do you reconcile that as being ok as an attempt to get things back on track with your sexually-abusive husband ??

the mind boggles, truly Confused

Saffysmum · 26/05/2011 18:39

I agree with AF, I think that a line has been crossed here, and there's no going back. But obviously this is for VS to decide. Hope you're ok VS - and you are getting all the support you need from your MH team. If you get the chance please let us know you're ok.

perrymason · 26/05/2011 19:48

no, it means if thats what she feels she needs for now because of what he did then he needs to respect that, whether or not its justified or necessary. And allow her whatever time, space and advice she needs to decide if they can recover from this.

clam · 26/05/2011 20:32

Apologies if this is off-beam but this reminds me of a recent poster who was pretty much confined to the house all day while her H took the kids to school/childminder etc.. and who had no RL support. Are you in a similar situation, Victoria?

AnyFucker · 26/05/2011 21:32

clam, the one whose husband insisted on using a childminder for the kids of his own choice, even though OP was home all day ?

I remember that one

chilling

he used her body for sexual kicks too, as I recall

clam · 26/05/2011 21:54

That poster disappeared. Or name-changed. I hope she's alright.

AnyFucker · 26/05/2011 21:56

me too

newportstateofmind · 26/05/2011 21:59

I often wonder how that OP is as well.

Her username was BasketWeaver I seem to recall, but haven't seen anything from her since then.

Hope she's still around and just namechanged.

strawberry17 · 26/05/2011 22:00

As soon as I read this thread I was exactly reminded of that poster too ClamSad

garlicbutter · 26/05/2011 23:40

I thought of her, too, Clam. It sounds like something out of a Victorian novel - because it is Sad Angry Instead of having their wives declared 'insane' by some compliant Victorian doctor, these days abusive husbands can make their wives so nervous they lose their senses, then take advantage of prescribed medications to continue as Rochester-alikes did.

It's distressing that so many people refuse to acknowledge such crap goes on. Understandable - who wants to think of it? - but very upsetting, all the same. It must be horrid to be that wife, to post on forums in search of perspective, only to have your controlling husband's picture (you're too fragile, too sensitive, too mad) affirmed by your respondents.

blackeyedsusan · 27/05/2011 00:27

only got through the first hundred posts or so,

it is not uncommon for people to freeze when being aassulted

it is not unusual to be writing it down like it is someone elses story, it protects you a bit... I recognise that feeling... will try and catch up another time... do start making plans... you will be able to cope, you will have support, one step at a time, in your own time, but don't leave it too long...

garlicbutter · 27/05/2011 02:08

I recognise it too.

Have no idea if VictoriasSecret is still reading her thread, but one hopes she'll catch up on it next time she feels lucid and has free access.

Tambern · 27/05/2011 04:09

I'm finding it really odd, the couple of apologists advising her to work on her marriage. How clear does it have to be that what he did was assault? That there is no possible excuse or understandable motivation beyond his own sick satisfaction. Advising her to work on her marriage, give him a chance etc is legitimising his behaviour as something that can be rationalised.

And yes, unpleasant as it sounds, he could well be abusing her children, given just how very very easy it would be for him to do so. He's clearly demonstrated his lack of morality, and his need for sexual domination. And yes abuse can cross over. Remember abuse and rape are two different things though they often go hand in hand.

VictoriasSecret I hope you're still reading, and that you're okay. If you're around, please let us know how you're doing, I think a lot of people would be very glad to know that you're okay. Don't forget there are people out there in RL who will be able to make an active difference to your life. This is not something that will last forever.

mushed · 27/05/2011 11:19

victoriassecret .. I grew up with an abuser .. I witnessed things no kid should .. sexual abuse, beatings, mental abuse. There was no kindness, no helping my mother when she needed it, nothing but pure evil .. It was all put on my mother .. because he did this to her did not make him a paedo. The reason i got involved in this topic is because you describe your partner as someone you could rely on till this event happened. People here would like to paint him as the guy I grew up with ... but give him more credit than maybe he's due .. like every thought he has is to in some way control you .. is he that clever? .. Has he made an awful mistake? ... Only you know and can find out ... I personally will give you more credit than people here .. I would never tell you what to do, i would never tell you your husband is going to abuse you/your children again, these are things you need to think / work out for yourself. This is not the place to get the advice you need ... you need to talk to your husband .. if the answers you get don't squash any doubts that this is a one off .. if you don't feel the explanation is true .. then of course its the end of the relationship, but please don't listen to these people who want to put your husband in a pigeon hole of 'evil abusive man' on this one awful event ... we're all human .. we can do some bloody stupid thoughtless things without thinking of the consequenses. I for one hope you haven't been back here .. I hope you're taking the first steps to taking back some control of your life ... seems its not only husbands that can be dictative and think they know better than you ... get strong x

whitechocolatebuttons · 27/05/2011 11:40

i am certainly not apologising for this mans behaviour. Iam trying to be, at least, constructive and not over-dramatising a situation I know only by the details disclosed by VS on here. I do know that running away from problems don't make them disappear, VS said herself that she needed to think rationally and with a clear head. I sincerely hope she has found the courage to do whats best for her in this situation.