This is playing on my mind

[VictoriasSecret]

I have a good marriage. We have 3 children and I am a sahm. My husband is a good, kind man who works hard. We have always had a good relationship. We bicker sometimes but don't really argue and he has never been violent or aggressive to me in any way.

A couple of weeks ago something happened and it is playing on my mind to the extent that I feel a bit upset when I think about it.

I take sleeping tablets so sleep very deeply. I woke in the early hours to find that my dh had his fingers inside me and was taking intimate pictures of me on his phone.

He didn't immediately stop when I woke. I was so shocked that I just let him carry on which he did for a few minutes. He then stopped and made a bit of a joke about it. I said very little and we both went to sleep. We haven't discussed it since.

I don't know what to think of it. I feel confused about what happened.

He was quite adamant that nothing had been posted on the Internet.

He never gets really worked up about stuff though. He always remains quite together. If it was the other way round I'd be in bits.

You would manage. Basically, if he wasn't there, you wouldn't have much option. Let's say there was no food in the house. You'd either get to the nearest shop and get a loaf of bread and a tin of baked beans or you would be forced to speak to a neighbour and borrow something. Then, the next time you went shopping, you'd buy a few things to keep in the cupboard as emergency supplies. The point is you would manage and you would build up an alternative support network.
You do have a choice about whether to stay with him.

I would have thought most men would be horrified at the thought they'd posted an intimate picture of their wife on the internet.

You really do have a choice as to whether you stay with him. You could do internet shopping if you're worried about going out. What you can't do is allow this man to belittle you in this way.

your children arent his.....be extra,extra careful

you ruled out him doing similiar to dc,but how can you? you cant sadly

Before you met this man you worked full time and looked after your children with no help at all. In other words you were a functioning, capable woman.

Now you ae with this man and you feel a complete failure as a wife and mother.

Do you not see the connection here VS? You are no failure, you are with a man who has made you believe you are. He is an abuser and what he did to you is utterly, utterly unforgivable.

You survived before him, you could survive after him. Your PND and PD may well leave you feeling low but there is something else in your life making you feel lower than both those things put together. That thing is your disgusting, abusive shit of a husband.

You need to start believing it hugs

Has he given you any explanation at all for what he did? Apart from a pathetically inadequate apology that is.

Maybye he did not intend to put the pics on internet but he most certainly intended to use them at a later date for his own perverted pleasure. His behaviour is beyond obscene. You do not have to live like this.

oh victoris. i have just caught up with your trhead. his responses are screaming at me!!! this man knows exactly what he has ben doing and his response tells me that he is intending to carry on as before. his calmness implies to me that he has fully thought out what he is doing and knows that as long as you are dependant on him and the meds he is free to carry on abusing you.

i know MN gets slated alot for telling people to leave their partners but i have no qualms whatsoever in telling you right now that you are in a dangerous situation and if your dont remove him from your house he will carry on abusing you, if not sexually, at the very least, emotionally and mentally. i really do understand how frightened you are and you think you cannot cope without him but as otehrs have said, you did very well before him and you ARE capable!! you can do it because you have done it in teh past.

Hi OP, I haven't read to the end of this thread yet, and won't have time to till later. But I can see you are in shock at the moment so it will take some time for you to realise that you need to get out of this relationship for your own safety and wellbeing. You describe yourself as highly dependent on him, and also as someone who has had a breakdown. I think these two things are connected, as is the sexual abuse. As 'lovely' as your husband is, he is the strong one in this relationship and I wonder how much of your perceived weakness and your role in the relationship as the 'ill' person is supported and maintained by his behaviour. By being the weak one, you absorb all the weakness and thus enable him to be strong. By not confronting him about sexually abusing you, you maintain your position. So your position within your relationship with him as being weak, powerless and ill makes is so much harder to stand up to this abuse. But you must. This has to be the tipping point. Please do not deny the risks to your children either.

As others have said there is a lot of support out there for people like you. You do not have to put up with being abused - nobody does.

So sorry to hear what you went through What an appalling betrayal of trust.

You sound like you are in shock, VS. I think you need to call Rape Crisis and talk this out with professionals who have been trained to support people who have suffered a sexual assault. MN is all well and good, but only getting support from here probably adds to the feeling of unreality in the situation.

I know this might be a bit pre-emptive as not going on a lot of information here, but having read the whole thread now I am really left with the word 'narcissism' rattling around in my head - this whole veneer of being the lovely, kind rescuer that your partner seems to be so convincing about, the high levels of emotional control, the sexual abuse - he sounds like someone with some kind of personality disorder. He may well have been sexually abused himself, and is therefore very much at risk of becoming an abuser. I would be very careful about your children, particularly if they are not genetically related to him.

I think you should talk to him about it, maybe have a look through his internet history as well. If he has been putting images up on the internet he is unlilkely to admit to it.

I would suggest sleeping apart from him until/unless this is sortedout to your satisfaction.

VS: Read the first setence of your opening post. "I have a good marriage".

You don't my love, you have a horrible, lousy marriage, and you need to leave it. You will manage on your own, you really will. I know it's hard, but please consider your options carefully. See CAB, get some free legal advice from a solicitor, and weigh up all your options. You do not have to stay with this man.

ovumahead is absolutely right - his behaviour screams "narcissism". He's an abuser - you and the kids need to get out, or preferably get him out. Ask him to go away for a few days at least, so you can get your thoughts together. You will cope if you do this.

i feel quite chilled by what has happened to you and H's response. i also feel that your dependence on him is unhealthy and he has probably been manipulating you over the years to create this situation. i too have concerns about the safety of your dc. if he doesn't respect your boundaries and takes advantage of your vulnerability who's to say he won't do the same to children?

i think if you cut it down to the basic facts OP (i know it isn't easy to do, it is a very emotional thing) then this is how it stands

your husband has violated you.
you do not wish for it to happen again
the fact that he did it at all tells you that his promise not to do it, is worthless.
as long as you are in a bed with him and on your meds he has opportunity to do it again and you will not know if he does
the answer is that you need him to at very least, leave your bed. i encourage you to make him leave your home.
this man's fee for being so 'good' on a practical level is to sexually abuse you in your sleep.
aslong as you agree to him being in your home and doing all the practical things then he will take that as your acceptance for him charging his fee.
you don't want to pay that fee ever again.

VS - if you want to get your PC checked to make sure there are no pictures or video on there I have the contact details of someone very reliable that would probably be able to do so remotely, so the machine never needed to leave your home. PM me if you want further info.

I agree with booyhoo - it's a very chilling post to be sure but very truthful.

I also am concerned for your children - this man has NO boundries, Please first thing tomorrow talk to your team and your mum, you have coped before you can cope again, you're stronger than you think you are.

I think tbh he's done a real number on your esteem which is why you're doubting yourself so much.

Please be assured that there is no way on this earth I would let him hurt my children in any way. I am not going to tale my sleeping tablets anymore. My dd's share a room, there is a spare bed in there so I'm going to start sleeping in there. I'm always complaining about dh's snoring so I'll say that the reason I'm sleeping there.

There is no way I can tell my mother about this. She isn't too good at the moment and this might finish her off.

I'm going to phone CAB tomorrow. I need to find put exactly what help I'd receive if he left. I need to have everything in place before I take action because I have no money of my own. Everything goes into dh's account which I have a card for but I suspect he'll freeze my card. Tbh I could do with squirrelling away a bit of money.

are you able to have the CB & TC's transfered into an account in your name - tbh it might be worth setting one up without his knowledge. (could use it for squirreling away), in fact if he's not the 'parent/guardian' why is it paid to him & not you?

i'm glad your'e seeing CAB, they are very helpful.

I haven't read the whole thread, but you say you have a good relationship!? And you didn't discuss this right there and then? Two weeks later, and neither of you said anything. How can this be a good relationship if you can't/don't talk about something that major and horrendous?

Sorry, I should have read more of the thread before posting.

They were going into his account because I was really unwell for a long time and he was taking cate of everything so it was just easier for him to get the money. I will speak to him about having them paid to me.

victoria i think you are doing the right thing WRT sleeping in the spare room. do you think he will believe the excuse that his snoring is keeping you awake? wont he just suggest that you keep taking the sleeping tablets? could you just telll him that you are uncomfortable sharing a bed with him in light of your recent discovery of his abuse?

i also agree that you should try and get as much money as you can saved away so that you have something to keep you going when you do make him leave. it can take a few weeks for all the benefits and tax credits to come through so having some money saved would be a great help.

is it possible to also try and set up some practical support for yourself. i know you said your parents are moving near you soon. are they able to help out with a bit of housework or making dinners, collecting dcs from school etc? if not them, could you arrange something with a friend or even another parent at school to collect them and run them home to you?

there will be other things that need sorted and i will post as i think of them. i am sure other posters will also be more than happy to suggest things that might help you make this transition. definitely speak to CAB about what you will be entitled to financially and also, what claim he may have over your home. i would also recommend speaking to your counsellor? you do need to voice this. holding it in will keep it all mixed up in your head. speaking about it will help you see things more clearly and will help you accept what has actually happened.

good luck and be strong. you have been before and you can be now. xxx

VS, if you can't tell your mum, please at least call Rape Crisis. CAB is a good start from a practical perspective, but you need emotional support from people IRL. If not their helpline then someone you know and trust. Show them this thread if you can't say it out loud, but this must be told to someone other than your OH and us, or it'll be far to easy to forget about in the future.

how did CAB go today op??

definitely a good move sleeping away from him. and the money thing

I was a single parent before I met him. I worked full time and looked after my children with no help from anyone.

I need to find put exactly what help I'd receive if he left. I need to have everything in place before I take action because I have no money of my own. Everything goes into dh's account which I have a card for but I suspect he'll freeze my card. Tbh I could do with squirrelling away a bit of money.

Hi OP. You said both those quotes above. What alarms me is that you must have been financially independent when you met your DH, and now you very clearly are not. Presumably he made that change to your circumstances.

And that too is rather chilling.

(and I am NOT criticising you at all here - I got lost in a pnd fog for a long time, quite a few years ago now. I wish you well. I think it might take some months before you feel equipped to take action, but now that you are seeing your DH in a different light, you may well start to feel stronger in yourself. I do hope so.)