MrsMiggins takes control of her life BACK

[MrsMiggins]

here it is then....have to still be MrsMiggins as its the lady out of Blackadder and nothing to do with my RL.....

God this is going to be so hard

I feel calm again
Had a shouting/crying fit at tea time so DS & DD were crying too then left them eating icecream in the kitchen

Then just spoke to H on phone & couldnt help myself - getting cross and accusing with him while I could hear the dispair in his voice.
Hes just said about talking about money etc so again, why cant I believe that its final?

feel a bit sorry for HER being in hospital although last night I suddenly wondered if she was pregnant and thats why he left - after all he allegedly ended it 8 weeks ago....see doing it to myself again

I must print off Ggglimpopo's list and stick it on every phone in the house :-

I will not cry/beg/plead/yell
I will be cool, dignified and distant
I will pamper myself
Myself and my children are the most important people in my world
I will eat at least one delicious thing per day
I will buy something I lust after and display it where it will make me smile (shoes did it for me)
I will have a to-die-for haircut

I deserve better. He will be sorry.

However I feel calm again and am going to finish the kitchen, and am going to have a lovely weekend, and have booked a babysitter for Monday night so I can go to the gym, and I have a lovely new handbag which says "ILCK - If Looks Could Kill", and new jeans & top, and bought DD lovely cardigan - I dont usually buy brand new clothes for my kids but H never fails to buy himself lots of new clothes.

and my friend said last night that if he goes skiing in the spring with HER, why dont I go another time? after all he has holiday and can look after the kids - even if it was just a long weekend....and shes right - if hes going to have them at weekends, I need to start saving so I can do nice things for myself

thanks you guys

I know I dont know you personally but you really have helped me from going mad

I will try to rant on here if I feel bad rather than lowering myself to rant at H who clearly doesnt care....

It doesnt matter if he moved out if the house is in joint names he has the right to keys and to come and go as he pleases unless there is an injunction.

Technically that is true. However, if he has moved out and it is not his primary home anymore, he will need to apply to the court for an order to let him back in if MrsM locks him out. If there are divorce proceedings in place, it is unlikely the court would order MrsM to let him back in as he is obviously going to have to find somewhere else to live anyway.

Great that is news to me and will help! THanks

Just to clarify, if a person is locked out of their primary residence, they are entitled to break in in order to regain access. If a person is an owner of a property, but it is not their primary residence, then they are entitled to gain access, but not by breaking in (presumably this means they need keys). So if MrsM doesn't give him keys, he cannot break in, but, if he were to go to court to get an order, he would likely get this. However, if divorce proceedings were in progress and he had another residence, then the court would probably put his proceedings on hold until all other matters were sorted.

Clear???

If you were to ask a solicitor, they would probably say that you are not entitled to change the locks. However, in practice, this is what a lot of people do.

You're right Freckle - I asked CAB on the mon after he left.
they said you could change locks and hed have to get court order to get me to change them back
I didnt cos I dont want him getting nasty and stopping my money...although I doubt hed stop paying mortgage as we have a lot of equity in it.

been so busy today with kids
feel a bit down now evening is here but have decided to take up Scrapbooking !!
so will be on later in the Arts & Crafts for some advice/tips

no doubt feel terrible tomorrow when he arrives & I go out for a few hours althohug I am going to the gym and sauna so that will be nice

DS wants to make cakes with daddy tomorrow - I know he'll think I put him up to it
just hope he agrees to do it

MrsM.... you continue to do well!

Don't worry about tomorrow. You'll have a lovely time at the gym and in the sauna.

Hope tomorrow goes well for you!

Im wondering Mrs M, and i may be talking out the top of my head here, but, perhaps after having DS for a weekend and DD for a sizeable amount of time it might in fact put him off making further demands of access since he has never dealt with both on his own for any period of time and it could well be a shock to him (especially since he seems to be enjoying his new found "independence").

He might start asking for access along similar lines to what he actually had when living there IYSWIM which would be a bit more reasonable.

Wont be so nice for your DS and DD though. Oh i dont know. I hope you know what im getting at.

MrsM - just read the whole of this thread (taken me ages!) Know you're watching my other thread.

I am going through exactly all the things you describe (except my xdh didn't have an affair???!! - was keeping in touch with ex-girlfriend behind my back for most of our marriage and sending unacceptable texts - swears nothing in it???!!!)

X is being complete a-hole! Extremely nice to me one minute (when he wants me to agree to something) and extremely NASTY to me the next (when I don't and in the timeframe he wants it agreeing!) I've actually had to get my solicitor to send letter re getting a court injunction out on him to stop him harrassing me and making me ill!

He's stopped all financial help except for child maintenance (wouldn't dare stop that! well, not yet anyway!) so basically I'm in the sh\t - I'm a SAHM at present but don't want to get a job here as I desperately need to move closer to my family for support (which should happen fairly soon) - I have no friends or family close by, so I feel totally alone. I cannot afford my bills so have cancelled all direct debits and will be forwarding them to him (as they are in his name!) I await the next explosion! My house is under offer but the B wont sign the docs unless I agree finances! So I now have to move out of my home and hope he doesn't move back in before I can get my sol to get him to sign docs! Sol told me I couldn't change locks, he could come back in at any time with it being jointly owned (but I leave key in door he has key to and go out door he doesn't!) so that keeps him out! He's tried all the bullying tactics and has me in floods of tears and spending a fortune in phonecalls for support, but it's all talk and I'm slowly beginning to realise that this is his way of still trying to have control over the situation!

As for access, this is the one area where I have been extremely strong! At first he messed me about badly (and I let him!) he used every excuse in the book to change access days to suit himself. This had a terrible affect on my dd's - eldest has not slept through the night since he left, sometimes up every hour, now wets bed, has nightmares and wants constant reassurance I'm there! I feel a complete exhausted wreck. He says I'm making it up to stop his access! He obviously hasn't looked at the state of me! He now sees them once every two weeks for a few hours - not a lot I know, but (like your x) did next to NAFF ALL looking after them - probably doesn't know which way round they go! He could probably beat yours on the putting to bed times etc! I will not budge on this until I feel my dd's are more settled and get used to the situation and then will increase contact gradually. I am unwilling to let him have them seperately because I think he needs to know how hard it is to have them both together!

When together I was lucky if he read them a story, now he wants to be the wonderful loving father who does everything with them! and same goes for the grandparents-IL (unlike yours) - couldn't make the effort to walk 5 mins round corner when we lived near them but now they are making big issues about me moving too far away from them and not being able to see the dd's often!

I REALLY AM SO VERY ANGRY! Like I say in my other thread though there is a miniscule part of me that would have him back even though I HATE the ground he walks on at the moment! Can't understand how he can switch off his feelings and just walk away from the dd's. A real man and father would never do that surely?!

I can't believe your strength - I am nearly a year down the line and I'm still a complete and utter wreck some days, although must admit getting better. Still can't see light at end of tunnel but everyone tells me I'll get there. Cant wait till I move out of here to have support and freedom from him. He will no longer have a HOLD over me - i will not be living in HIS (our!) house anymore! He wont be able to hurt me anymore except for stopping child maintenance (but hopefully I will be self-sufficient then) or taking me to Court to gain more access?!

Sorry about the long thread! Another similarity!
I'll keep reading and hopefully gain strength from you.

really upsetting all the vile stunts men pull. best advice is get a good solicitor, don't talk to mutual friends (or even family) who may try to sway you because of their own agenda (or sabotage your self-esteem and resolve).....
don't send anything in writing to ex or his gf until you've slept on it and don't make any threats in writing at all........
dont leave anything in his hands-put your life and your kids lives back in your own control - it is for you to plan the rest of your life.
For info, more men regret divorce than women later - his gf must be a real witch and it sounds like they deserve each other.
Don't think you have to take him back for the kids - he made his choices, there's a whole world out there for you and your children.
very best of luck xxxxxxxxxx

I am being controlled over the txting and emailing as I know these are written proof of things said

I rang her the night before H left cos he had been on the phone to her. However she cant play the "phsyco wife" card now as I was calm and we even ended up laughing about how stupid my H was!

I felt the need to say those things about breaking up the home but htats it now

dreading him coming round BUT determined to be OK

Im actually dreading more him spending all his time on the computer or taking stuff from the house
he better not - if he takes anything I will change the locks

off to tidy house & make myself look beautiful

MrsM did your friend come for the weekend? If so, how were things?

mrs.s thinking about you today.

Best of luck today Mrs M, thinking of you.

Be strong Mrs M am thinking of you.

Mrs M - thinking of you today, Be as strong as you can you are doing marvelously. Keep posting.

am at my parents
went swimming together and then I came out changing rooms with DD dressed for the gym
they all went home & I went upstairs to gym & then steam room

am now at parents having had sunday lunch with brother & family

onyl another 2 hrs to go

H had taken his ring off so v glad I removed mine
he seemed sad in swimming pool as DS & I were talking about a party yesterday and he of course knew nothing
bad luck

will still have to check the car to make sure not taken anything - thats fair enough - he checked it the other week after Id driven it incase Id taken his passport

feel amazingly calm about it and cant wait for him to leave & let us get back to normal....until the next time

I am so proud of you.

thanks
feel rather proud of myself

i know its still only been 14 days but I realise just how miserable he was making me and now the 3 muskateers (thats what I call DS DD and me) are enjoying ourselves without worrying about poor daddy being bored etc

just got to stand firm on the access thing for a while

dad has let me come on MN rather than sitting watching my nephew & neice play missing my own children

not sure I will do the swimming thing again - cant decide whether it was beneficial to the kids - I guess I can always do it if it suits me.....clearly suited H as time with kids with help from me....

MrsMiggins, (don't know why I called you mrs.s earlier!) Anyhow, keep strong. It is his loss.

hard though
I can hear parents & brother, SIL & 2 kids
Im sitting up here pretending to enjoy time to myself surfing internet
well I do enojy MN and I am looking at other things as well but its just killing time til I can go home to my children

I could go now - I said 3pm but I want H to see whats it like having 2 kids for 4 hours - so far hes had them 3 today - not much is it
THats why Im so worried about him taking them away over night

so ewven tho I want to go home, Im sticking it out another hour as they all need to get used to each other without me to run the show

regretting suggesting H stay for bedtime - when I get home at 4pm got another 4 hrs with him....

Why don't you go home after four hours and say you must be shattered, would you like to go now ??

MrsMiggins, this is my 3rd Sunday without my 'd'h... so I do understand the killing time thing.

FWIW I think you are doing the right thing keeping him waiting for another hour. It is hard to step back.

well I have told him he must wash up after cooking lunch - I deliberately put the dishwasher on this morning so it is full of clean stuff.
So he either has to empty doishwasher or wash by hand

Ive told him he will be helping make tea too not sitting on his arse like normal

and I will then make sure he does bath AND put both kids to bed although Ill end up reading to DS too....

dont think I will do this Sunday lunch thing again - however nice my family are, it just feels awful being here without my children
maybe I will go to the cinema or something like that
trouble is with this cold weather, I cant kick H out for hours as kids will freeze

Mrs M. I hate the weekends most. The absence just intensifies and we alternate with having ds on a sat/sun so one day or the other ds is not here too Sunday was such a family day for us.

When h comes to put ds to bed in the week I find it very difficult making myself scarce. I can understand why you don't want to go to parents for Sunday lunch. I hate being part of 'family things' without my children. it just seems wrong.

Must admit I have taken to going into the city on days without ds as I don't feel comfortable in the house alone. I am hoping that once I've moved and the house is mine, rather than a house we lived in together, I will find it easier. But won't hold my breath.