MrsMiggins takes control of her life BACK

[MrsMiggins]

here it is then....have to still be MrsMiggins as its the lady out of Blackadder and nothing to do with my RL.....

God this is going to be so hard

I feel calm again
Had a shouting/crying fit at tea time so DS & DD were crying too then left them eating icecream in the kitchen

Then just spoke to H on phone & couldnt help myself - getting cross and accusing with him while I could hear the dispair in his voice.
Hes just said about talking about money etc so again, why cant I believe that its final?

feel a bit sorry for HER being in hospital although last night I suddenly wondered if she was pregnant and thats why he left - after all he allegedly ended it 8 weeks ago....see doing it to myself again

I must print off Ggglimpopo's list and stick it on every phone in the house :-

I will not cry/beg/plead/yell
I will be cool, dignified and distant
I will pamper myself
Myself and my children are the most important people in my world
I will eat at least one delicious thing per day
I will buy something I lust after and display it where it will make me smile (shoes did it for me)
I will have a to-die-for haircut

I deserve better. He will be sorry.

However I feel calm again and am going to finish the kitchen, and am going to have a lovely weekend, and have booked a babysitter for Monday night so I can go to the gym, and I have a lovely new handbag which says "ILCK - If Looks Could Kill", and new jeans & top, and bought DD lovely cardigan - I dont usually buy brand new clothes for my kids but H never fails to buy himself lots of new clothes.

and my friend said last night that if he goes skiing in the spring with HER, why dont I go another time? after all he has holiday and can look after the kids - even if it was just a long weekend....and shes right - if hes going to have them at weekends, I need to start saving so I can do nice things for myself

thanks you guys

I know I dont know you personally but you really have helped me from going mad

I will try to rant on here if I feel bad rather than lowering myself to rant at H who clearly doesnt care....

You go girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

after finding out he was in the pub at 5.50 and him being rude to me, I wish Id told her to proceed and file for divorce
he is just being soooo selfish and I think he genuinely thinks that ringing DS for a 2 min phone call is doing his bit
what a loser

hope the email I sent HER at work yesterday has caused them to ahve their first row

rant away babe!

Of course he's a selfish tosser! This wouldn't be happening otherwise.

Take the advice on limiting the calls etc.

What? You sent her an e-mail? What did I miss? Is there another thread somewhere?

Do tell! I can't wait to read what it says.

I just cant do it
hes so nasty to me on the phone
just told me that he can introduce HER to the kids if he wants to
he can have them overnight as soon as he wants regardless of the fact he barely knows his daughter
he can have them to stay with her in the house

he says Im scared that he'll introduce HER to DS and it wont screw him up

he says he can move back in tomorrow and I can sleep in the spare room if he wants

why cant I just not bite and pretend everything is OK?
I just told him that I feel like a piece of dirt hes thrown out for the binmen after 9 years
for better for worse meant nothing to him

i dont want him coming here on Sunday at all but I cant stop him
he says he can stay as long as he wants

i just dont know what to do Im so upset adn hes in the bloody pub with HER having a great time

he says Im being threatening but he is far more controling and Im scared he will cancel the credit card or stop paying his salary into our account

I just cant deal with it - Im OK if I dont speak to him but as soon as we speak I get upset

having said that, if hed phoned at 6.30 from a quiet area, wed still be spending all day sunday together with me cooking lunch....now cos he was in the pub and pissed me off, he will be cooking pie & mash and I will be out for a few hours

will have to organise something so that I dont sit somewhere mulling

heres the email I sent

morning XXXXX (HER)

Just to say hope you're sleeping at night as I know I couldnt in your position. How could you steal my family - doesnt matter about me as I'll get over it

• but you have taken my children's father away.

If you had an ounce of decency, you would have told H to leave me before you started sleeping with him. Loneliness or whatever reason you 2 have used is just rubbish & selfish.

I hope you're both happy hiding your seedy secret cos either XXXXX(company they both work for) has no morals as a company and everyone knows H has left his wife for you, OR, you are still having to pretend you're "just good friends" while everyone does the "aahhh poor H for splitting up from his wife & family"

I wont be spilling the beans if its the latter as you , H & I know what rubbish it is and I wont lower myself to your level by entering a slanging match

Just remember, what goes around comes around.
He cheated on me, and I wasnt the first he cheated on, and so I doubt I will be the last. Dont kid yourself that you're different cos Ive already done that.

Incidently regardless of what he has told you, we were still married in every sense of the word - I didnt know he was sleeping with you but you knew he was sleeping with me - how could you do that to yourself and share someone like that. Total lack of respect for yourself which is probably why you had no respect for my family.

Oh, mrsmiggins, did the solicitor help you with these questions. I wish I could offer advice, bu tI'm really not qualified. Does he really have the right to introduce them to her and whatever HE wants even if you have custody?

What scum bags. True true scum. Both of them

Oh I'm for you. She must be very pathetic and desperate to take him on.

Way to go Mrs Miggins!!!!

I have been reading your thread for a few days and i think you are doing AMAZING.

My ex husband cheated a number of times on me and i know how hard it is, but its early days yet.

You will get stronger and stronger as time goes on and as you said in your email - what goes around comes around, comfort yourself with that thought because eventually your ex-DH will realise what he,s lost and will be GUTTED, and you will probably be happy and content and better off without him.

Message withdrawn

cant change the locks - asked CAB

From speaking to the solicitor today AND other mumsnetters, I believe that he wont be able to just tkae them away for the weekend as he has such a poor relatioship with them
I think he is just being a bully

unfortunately for him, I am VERY strong and have good family & friends behind me.

I just need to try to put on a brave face

Message withdrawn

Mrs M feel free to CAT me if you want as I am in a smilar position in some respects. DH can come home when he wants even though he is abusive. He can work here as well as this is his work area. I cannot lock him out or change the locks until I divorce him and it is agreed by a court.

As for seeing the other woman my dh has also said he would do this straight away and has faced a mutiny from the kids. He told them the day i found out and they now see him as trying to bribe them wiht promises of nice rooms and bigger gardens.

It is terribly hurtful but my solicitor has really really helped. She has written to say he con now only see them at certain times and we have discussed also sorting who they see and where. I am lucky because due ot his behaivour I have a few levers but your solicitor shoudl be able to help.

My heart goes out to you over this as it is so so painful when manipulative men use their kids. Your email is great by the way. Hope you have a reasonable weekend and keep being as strong as you have been. x

Just to add my support here too. Sell every Goddamn thing he owns on Ebay! It's about time he stopped walking all over him and got a shock as to the kind of person you are!

Go get him girl!

what amazes me is that he now wants to spend time with the children....when we lived together he could barely bother

hes sucha hypocryte too

a friend of ours left his wife & even younger children, an H said he didnt know how he could do it AND we shouldnt socialise with him anymore.

what a joke

I think last night was the final kick in the teeth that I needed...to think that if hed phoned as arranged, Id be doing the wife thing & cooking Sunday lunch etc
Now Ive really seen him for his true colours and how spiteful and bullying he can be towards me

I cant (along with all my family & friends) believe how wrong you can be about a person

Hard though it is to take, he's actually doing you a favour by acting like this. If he was being contrite and doing everything you wanted, you'd be tempted to think there was a chance that the relationship could be saved. Then, several months down the line, he'd revert to type and you'd be going through it all again.

Every time he does something crass/hurtful/pathetic, just smile and think "I can now see you for what you really are and I'm glad to be out of this marriage". And remember that you are the one in control, so if you don't like what he is proposing just say no.

ur right Freckle
he really did do me a favour yesterday by ringing when it suited him
showed a) doesnt know what time kids eat
b) only ringing to make himself feel better

Having spoke to solicitor am not worried about money.

what worries me most is the access to be honest.
He says I cant stop him coming for 8 hours
cant stop him taking them for the weekend
cant stop him introducing HER

Im just not sure whether or not hes right

need to find someone who knows

He's not right. You are in control. He can have the children when you say and for how long you say, until such time as there is a court order which states otherwise.

If he is not prepared to agree to your terms, then, unless you feel the children would be more damaged by not seeing him at all, you just stop him seeing them. For example, if you say he can have them for a couple of hours and he takes them to his parents for the whole weekend, then you just don't let him have the children at all next time. If he objects, then he can apply to the court for a specific order and you will both have an opportunity to put your reasons for why he should or shouldn't have the contact he is seeking.

If he had been a totally hands-on dad, thoroughly involved in his children's lives to date, you would have a hard time reasoning why he shouldn't have them for a weekend. However, given their ages and the limited involvement on his part to date, I think you can show that it is not in the children's best interest for extended contact.

thanks for that
the solicitor wrote down a lot of times & dates when I was talking about how limited effort H has put in with kids when he was here

she said Im completely reasonable saying DS can go away at Christmas for 2 nights but not DD

like you said, not only her young age but the fact hes only put her to bed 4 times this entire year and even then it was when I asked him to.

I feel like Jekyl and Hyde at the moment
I feel jollly and perky this morning and looking forward to the day yet whenever I speak to him I end up so miserable
If I never had to speak to him again I think I would be happy...think Im finally allowing myself to wake up to the fact that this entire year he has given me no support emotional or physical....and definitely contributed to my depression...and maybe even caused it by his behaviour.

I feel so much better as the kids & I can do what we want rather than waiting for him on a Sat morning - normallly hed have just got out of bed and wandered down the garage for a newspaper

off to a play barn with Brother, SIL & nephew & neice - DS really looking forward to seeing uncle & cousin and to be honest, my brother plays with my son far more than his dad ever does

Mrs M

You are amazing! I have total admiration in the way you are holding it together.

I can't believe your h - I hope he wakes up one morning and realises what he has thrown away; what he has lost.....

You can get through this. You and your lovely children can be happy. Be strong.

mj

Fabulous. Keep it up. I always think it helps in these situations to look to the long-term. Think of it like a illness - you know you've got to go through the grotty stage, but that you will get better in the end. Think of where you will be - emotionally - in one year's time. Things will be easier and you and your children will be happy and, when you are at that stage, he will suddenly realise just where he is.

Hi Mrs M just want to add my support, I think you are an incredible strong woman and You encourqage me with your strenght and detemination. [[[hugs]]]

Good on yer MrsM.
Hang in there.

You will never (even in your lowest moments) feel as bad as he does for destroying a family.

Have a good day.

XXX

Just want to confirm that you are the main carer of the children and you dictate when and how long he has the children. You are also within your rights to change the locks on the house. He was the one that moved out, so you can refuse him access and telephone the police if he insists on getting in.