MrsMiggins takes control of her life BACK

[MrsMiggins]

here it is then....have to still be MrsMiggins as its the lady out of Blackadder and nothing to do with my RL.....

God this is going to be so hard

I feel calm again
Had a shouting/crying fit at tea time so DS & DD were crying too then left them eating icecream in the kitchen

Then just spoke to H on phone & couldnt help myself - getting cross and accusing with him while I could hear the dispair in his voice.
Hes just said about talking about money etc so again, why cant I believe that its final?

feel a bit sorry for HER being in hospital although last night I suddenly wondered if she was pregnant and thats why he left - after all he allegedly ended it 8 weeks ago....see doing it to myself again

I must print off Ggglimpopo's list and stick it on every phone in the house :-

I will not cry/beg/plead/yell
I will be cool, dignified and distant
I will pamper myself
Myself and my children are the most important people in my world
I will eat at least one delicious thing per day
I will buy something I lust after and display it where it will make me smile (shoes did it for me)
I will have a to-die-for haircut

I deserve better. He will be sorry.

However I feel calm again and am going to finish the kitchen, and am going to have a lovely weekend, and have booked a babysitter for Monday night so I can go to the gym, and I have a lovely new handbag which says "ILCK - If Looks Could Kill", and new jeans & top, and bought DD lovely cardigan - I dont usually buy brand new clothes for my kids but H never fails to buy himself lots of new clothes.

and my friend said last night that if he goes skiing in the spring with HER, why dont I go another time? after all he has holiday and can look after the kids - even if it was just a long weekend....and shes right - if hes going to have them at weekends, I need to start saving so I can do nice things for myself

thanks you guys

I know I dont know you personally but you really have helped me from going mad

I will try to rant on here if I feel bad rather than lowering myself to rant at H who clearly doesnt care....

Hi MrsMiggins, sounds like you have some really good family there, and I do know families that have stayed friendly despite seperations/divorces. Some grandparents really really want to have good relationships with their grandchildren, and do their best to make sure that happens. So don't assume that you will lose all that. I really admire your courage in all of this, and I'm glad you had some reward this weekend. Going to the gym is a great idea, exercise is a great way to keep both physically and mentally healthy (I think largely because it really helps you to sleep). I also just quite enjoy chatting with my babysitters - company is so important, although I guess you must be fairly resilient as your dh (maybe just h now!) hasn't really been around and supporting you for a while. Have a great week!

i second moondog! They sound great to me too.

Onwards and upwards.

x

they have said they will comne down & stay any time to help with the kids

Im just worried about money and the house etc
Just dont know what to do and feel H is capable of anything now and will make me sell the house...

Message withdrawn

Hi Mrs M - Really glad to hear that you are bearing up well. you are much stronger than you realise. Did you get my emails? if not send me your home address.

Ive not had a good weekend my and dh have just had big fight about her, its been lingering for weeks and he wants to brush it all under the carpet and now we have just exploded. i feel as though we have gone back 10 stages!

take care Mrs M.

MrsM... you seem to have a wonderful IL family. I think that they will be around for you for a long time.

So... what are your plans for this week?

I do hope that number one on your list is to find a solicitor. Think about yourself and your children.

Have a good night sweetheart. Glad the weekend was good!

Sounds like your weekend was good. Keep coming back here for support. And, show us a pic of those beautiful kids when you can.

Words to remember this week:
Mrs. Miggins is strong and lovely and one day soon she will be happy.

Mr. Miggins is a stupid twat who will wallow in misery when he realises (too late) that he is a stupid twat.

Hi MM. Glad to hear you continue to do so well. My dd and I moved out at the weekend so my access to a pc is limited.

I hope you don't mind me asking, but do you fancy meeting up? you're in Evesham and I'm in Worcs so not that far apart and we both seem to be in a similar situation at present.

Let me know what you think.

I need a pep talk girls....

Im at the end of my tether - trying so hard to keep it together but spent most of my time at work today crying....
come home to compose myself & get it all off my chest b4 picking kids up from mums

spoke to H on way home....I find it so hard when he rings every night to speak to DS - hes only 3 1/2 and doesnt really appreciate/understand a 2 min conversation...but H wants to ring every night so what can I do?
It unsettles DS and upsets me but H is OK cos hes "keeping contact"
I dont know whether it would be reasonable to say he can phone once during the week and at the weekends if hes not seeing him....I mean from DS's point of view.

Im so angry at him for leaving
Im so angry at him for having an affair and not having the balls to end it so carried on making me miserable
Im angry that even now he cant just say he doesnt love me anymore

Why cant I pull myself together?
I was sooo going to be cool and friendly so he realsied what hes thrown away but instead Ive turned into this ranting crying demented woman. It just hurts so much.

now hes talking about taking the kids away for 2 days to his parents during Christmas holiday - my suggestion that he has them so that I can work & save holidays but I thought hed come here. I can see the logic with him going to parents but IM scared he'll sneak her up there too.
What rights do I have to keep her away?
Probably none.

I do believe that I am better off without him and was doing so well but today Ive lost the plot. Even sent her an email at work - it was aggressive just "how can you sleep etc breaking up families"
thankfully I didnt put anything threatening or state she could never meet them (even though I wish I could enforce that)

Maybe after the phone call just now my sub concious will accept its over and I can get on with things.

I ahve already removed my wedding ring cos as far as Im concerned they are meaningless now & I dont want people assuming Im married.

now hes coming up Sunday and wants to do the family thing for the kids - wants help more like. Still he has agreed to come up at 10.30am which will mean him leaving house at 8am and wont leave til after kids in bed AND we've talked properly

maybe I should write a list of things I need to discuss like access and money so that I can keep focused and not cry

It must be so difficult for you, but you have been doing tremendously well so far.

Re the phone calls. If they upset your ds, then cut them down. Explain to ex that a call every night isn't really helping your son and that perhaps it would be better to limit the calls to once/twice a week.

Are you happy with him taking the children for the weekend? I remember you saying that your dd is very young and clingy at the moment. And you can insist that he doesn't introduce them to her at the moment as they really won't understand. Also, as his relationship with her is (in general terms) still very young, it wouldn't be a good idea to introduce her to them until it is absolutely certain that she is a permanent feature in his life. If you insist that he doesn't do this and later find out that he did, it would then be reasonable to refuse to allow him to take the children anywhere and he will have to have contact at your home.

Mrs M

Hang in there. You're doing really well.

Agree with Freckle, if the phone calls are upsetting ds, then I believe they should be limited. After all, you have to put ds back together after the call. Maybe try and agree a particular day and time and keep to that and see how it goes.

I think taking the children away at Christmas will be unsettling. Better for the kids to be in the familiar surroundings of home. There is enough going on for them to need continuity.

You are doing really well. I think if you want to have a conversation with him at the weekend then a list is a good idea. Means you won't miss anything. Have you managed to speak to a solicitor yet?

Keep posting, I'm sure other Mumsnetters will post offering support and wisdom.

MrsM
You are going to have days like this but you are doing really well and you are in control- don't forget it'd ok to give yourself time to grieve (because that's what it's like) you need it for your own mental health and to work through all these new and uninvited emotions.
A 2 miniute daily phone call is not "keeping in touch" with your children- it's soothing your (his)guilty conscience. Cjildren so young cannot understand, they need to see and hold and talk in person to people to feel secure about their relationships and certainly at this time. You dh needs to stop putting himself first and start being an adult and putting the children first. He's made this happen in your lives he has to arrange his life around the chidren's needs which means making a regular (rarely to be broken committment to see them for a decent length of time at least once a week. A daily phone call cannot replace this- he does that for his convenience not yours or the children's. So I thik it is completly reasonable to say don't phone so often but come and see them.
As you are their primary carer and the only one it seems capable of putting them first- if you feel taking them away at Xmas is too much too soon- don't let it happen. make him fit in with your plans.
As for spending time with HER _ I can totally relate to that one- in my situation if my dh had left for her I was determined I would never stop him spending time with the children but I was not going to help her do so. It IS far too soon- they are so young and will not understand- your dh must be able to see that? If he really has chosen to soend his days withher he needs sort out his relationship with his children first before introducing a complete stranger into their lives.
Please see a solicitor- find out your rights (even if you chose not to assert them yet)The children's welfare comes first and then you must protect yourself (which probably boils down to the same thing).
You are doing great- yes write down the things youneed to sort out and make him make time to sort them out!
Thinking of you.

Can I also suggest that, if you do put any proposals to him, you also do it in writing? This could be invaluable later on if you need to show that you have been reasonable.

am going tomorrow Mumbojumbo
getting all info required together tonight

do you think ti would be reasonable to say DS can go away but DD will stay here with my parents looking after during the day?
would that confuse the children?
am I being overprotective?
its just that H has only ever spent 5 hrs at most alone with kids TWICE this entire year

hopefully will feel more reassured tomorrow but still feel that H is controlling everything even though so far away
will deffo do list for Sunday too

Mrs.Miggins don't be too hard on yourself. I resolved to be cool and calm about everything and then wrote h a letter telling him how I felt! On giving it to him, I just fell to pieces, and then ended up breaking all of my self imposed rules and text him at 2 in the morning when I couldn't sleep. Ds has been ill all week and that has added to the stress and I feel like I've taken a step backwards... but like you I am just feeling so angry and heartbroken... I really think it's such early days that it is going to be one good day one bad for a while. (I just wish I could summon the motivation to chanel anger constructively... maybe that will come).

take care, winniex
Take care

Mrsmiggins i have replied on your thread in the single parent bitty with very similiar problems regards kids and contact etc that i went through with my ex,go look.

MrsMiggins,
I've been wondering how you are as you haven't posted much in the last few days.

I don't know what the legal position is, but my personal opinion regardingletting H take them out of the house is this: If it make you feel unconfortable, then tell him no. Tell him it makes YOU feel uncomfortable and it's about time he consider your feelings. ALso tell him you do not want hi little tramp anywhere near the children. I just think he gave up his rights to make these choices when he climbed into bed with another woman. Oh, please Mrs Miggins stand up and tell him what YOU want. And don't worry so much about if he thinks it's reasonable. He has not treated you reasonably.

Oh, and forgot to say you are doing really well considering the circumstances. I admire your strength. Hang in there.

how are you doing Mrs.M?

Mrs M

Glad U posted again was concerned. I think the calls at 6pm are a bad idea as this should be a calm hour before bed, you don't want DS to have problems sleeping. A call may be better in day time on sat/sun that way it is not a big deal for SS and yourself. Personally after work I am shattered and obviously bath time can be a battle if kids want to stay up so it is not best time to stir things up for you.

I maintained phone contact with my XH for a couple of months after her left and I was angry if he asked how I was (none of his business) also angry if he didn't ask (I had only just given birth and was struggling wiv no sleep and BF). To stop myself calling X and mistress to have a go and/or say its so unfair I deleted all trace of his mobile number so I could actually never call him.

If you need to work over Xmas and it suits you let H take both kids to your parents in law. They sound decent people. Make all arrangements re routines etc with MIL and explain that if mistress sees kids while they are with her then you will seriously re-consider your relationship and that of your kids with MIL and FIL. Say your trust will be broken again. Use tears etc to try and get MIL on your side. It may work.

Small consolation but in my view relationships based on lies never work in long term. When he is late home from work the mistress will never sleep easy as she knows he is 2 timer and he will always feel guilty till day he dies about shafting his kids. You on other hand have no baggage going forward so likely you will have fulfilled and happy life.

Take care

well today went well
feel more reassured

then we were having tea at 5.20pm when H rang. We had arranged as every other night for 6.30pm. He said he was in the car so could he speak now. I said no as we were in the middle of tea - you know what kids are like - DS wouldnt have eaten any more tea. So I said we;d ring when hed finished.
Rang at 5.50 - H in noisy area - I thought he was doing a 2 1/2hr drive to other area to find somewhere to live tomorrow - THAT is why he said he couldnt come & see DS. No....hes in teh pub....
great
so Im stuck at home with our children (dont mean that but you know what I mean) while hes living it up in the pub! Sooo angry - he really has no remorse or feelings.
I know its now none of my business what hes upto but he made a big deal about having to house hunt tomorrow & clearly hes not going to be as in the wrong part of the country!!

I have sent him a txt saying that I cant play happy families Sunday and I will go out for a few hours so he can eithe rcook lunch or take them out.
Clearly it is all over - yes may have looked obvious for everyone else - and so Im not playing happy families.
He needs to create a relationship with his kids.

Do you know he has put DD (17 mths) to bed 4 times this entire year?
He has had both children on his own TWICE for 5 hrs. Thats it. Rest of the time Ive always been there doing all meals & nappy changes etc

He needs to start getting to know them in readiness for having them an entire weekend

Have also decided that DS can go with his parents but not DD. After this afternoons meeting I believe this is reasonable bearing in mind how little care he has actually taken of her.

I am now livid and more determined than ever to just get on with it.

the downside is that DS has been crying a lot today and they are both very clingy if I leave the room but as you all say, they will soon adapt

MrsM.... good to see you still posting. Have been thinking about you.

I don't think it's unreasonable for the idiot to look after the kids in your home for those couple of days. If you don't feel comfortable with him taking them away then say no. Should you decide that it is okay, then I agree with LasVegas. You tell MIL that you don't want the tramp meeting your kids in her home and that you would consider it another breach of your trust. I don't imagine that the ILs particularly want to meet her at the moment.

Did you see a solicitor in the end? I hope so. You really need to get protection for yourself and the children.

Of course you will have bad days. You need to grieve for the marriage that you have lost. Don't worry... you are doing so well! Just stay strong. Know you're rights and remember you're the one in control now!

Yes I did see a solicitor today
I havent proceeded with anything - just had my free half hour

feel much happier now Ive spoken to someone in the know.
She also gave me the laws opinion on my dilema over Christmas, future visits and phone calls
So I am now going to be confident in these decisions too.