MrsMiggins takes control of her life BACK

[MrsMiggins]

here it is then....have to still be MrsMiggins as its the lady out of Blackadder and nothing to do with my RL.....

God this is going to be so hard

I feel calm again
Had a shouting/crying fit at tea time so DS & DD were crying too then left them eating icecream in the kitchen

Then just spoke to H on phone & couldnt help myself - getting cross and accusing with him while I could hear the dispair in his voice.
Hes just said about talking about money etc so again, why cant I believe that its final?

feel a bit sorry for HER being in hospital although last night I suddenly wondered if she was pregnant and thats why he left - after all he allegedly ended it 8 weeks ago....see doing it to myself again

I must print off Ggglimpopo's list and stick it on every phone in the house :-

I will not cry/beg/plead/yell
I will be cool, dignified and distant
I will pamper myself
Myself and my children are the most important people in my world
I will eat at least one delicious thing per day
I will buy something I lust after and display it where it will make me smile (shoes did it for me)
I will have a to-die-for haircut

I deserve better. He will be sorry.

However I feel calm again and am going to finish the kitchen, and am going to have a lovely weekend, and have booked a babysitter for Monday night so I can go to the gym, and I have a lovely new handbag which says "ILCK - If Looks Could Kill", and new jeans & top, and bought DD lovely cardigan - I dont usually buy brand new clothes for my kids but H never fails to buy himself lots of new clothes.

and my friend said last night that if he goes skiing in the spring with HER, why dont I go another time? after all he has holiday and can look after the kids - even if it was just a long weekend....and shes right - if hes going to have them at weekends, I need to start saving so I can do nice things for myself

thanks you guys

I know I dont know you personally but you really have helped me from going mad

I will try to rant on here if I feel bad rather than lowering myself to rant at H who clearly doesnt care....

the worst thing is that I really tried those 8 weeks and I feel humiliated through sex as I believe now he never stopped sleeping wiht her

still not crying and glad I have usch good friends & family and MN

Yeah, sober, that's a classic: the fella tells the mistress he and the wife aren't sleeping together anymore. Yeah, right.

MrsM,
just wanted to say- keep it up- one day at a time, stronger, better- you are doing great.
By the way I get your point about him sleepiong with her and you-I took great delight In saying to HER (when my dh was having an affair) that although he'd been unfaithful to me (after 20 years of faithfulness) he was NEVER faithful to HER as our sex life didn't change, was as good as ever(I didn't know of course what was going on.) Small comfort I know but take each little victory and add them together- you are better and stronger and the most honest person in all this!

Oh and in all my reading around the subject of affairs I read an interesting statistic- only about 2% of relationships that start as affairs last any length of time- and they have to be very strong relationships which this one is definately not!
I bet they are well over the rose tinted glasses bit!
Time will tell!!!!!!!!!!

Hi Mrs. Miggins. How are you today?

I'm not sure if I would get into the whole 'Well he was sleeping with me too' thing.....
Who needs to fight over the favours of a tosser?????

If my dh went off with someone else,I would help him out with a boot up the arse!

From her perspective,things don't look good at all.
Who would want to be involved with a bloke who has a complicated family set up to sort out and(unless he is made of stone) children that he can't be with???

Even in the first flush of romance,relationships built on destruction of another can never be joyful affairs.

He is digging himself a great big hole.

Hope the sun is shining where you are MrsM and that you are having a good day.

Meant '..children that he misses'.

Mrs. M how are you today?

Moondog - you're right - I shouldnt be having a conversation over sleeping wiht him
When he turned up on Sunday I even thought what a beer gut he has got recently

foggy here - has been for 3 days now

I was doing OK until had to ring him about money & my car - conversation was OK until suddenly he startted shouting at me (and he NEVER used to shout) I was so taken aback that I started crying...then suddenly he reverted back to nice & calm and apologised....sounded like he had an audience (HER) and had to show he was cross with me etc
what a joke
told him that if he ever shouts again I wont be discussing anything with him as its unreasonableand if Im upset, it affects the kids

I know hed like to think Im at home pining and crying but unless I speak to him Im fine

Well said Moondog [hugs] Mrs M ps used to be Mhamai but a change is as good as a rest, so proud of you too Mrs M

Hi mm - really feel for you on teh shared house thing. My ex would come & it was nightmare - I started staying over at w/e with friends (eventually with my new dh so there is always hope - honestly!); ex swore not in my bed or my room - had his own for months before he moved out. Kids told me he always slept in my bed with all my stuff - made me want to vomit. My oversrupulous solicitor told me not to change locks although I had filed for divorce........I put locks on exterior of bedroom door insted but did'nt stop him stealing loads of my stuff from house.
If I was doing it now I would change the locks as is creepy as hell having them just come & go - he left - so take all your stuff (his) and come by arrangemeny only, ringing the bell like anormal; visitor.
Sounds like you are doing brilliantly by the way.......
re all the legal stuff, he's the one who should be worried - you can stay in the house 'til your kids are 18, then you can drag your feet re a sale and dstill get 1/2 equity at end of it all.
Do please go and see a good solicitor, and if you don't like the first get a second as they are vital and will help you sort out money eyc.
Can't take care of your own self if worried sick about bills etc.......

I thought I was doing OK but it is hard
its not the childcare or evenings alone - nothing different there
its the money
he was quite horrible today on the phone & b4 all this NEVER EVER shouted at me - isnt his thing
if it was cos SHE was there, more fool him cos Im not being shouted at

Im so worried about the money
I have applied for Child tax credit and have stopped my salary vbeing paid into joint account but dont know if Im being foolish going along with his offer of money and separate accounts on Friday

the solicitor I saw last week was lovely and would definately go back to her

I guess that I could convince myself last week was "just advice"
if I go back again, it is the point of no return

I even sent him some job offers in our area today to work - what a prat I am
got a reply from him saying "why have you sent me this"
good question

oh Mrs Miggins, it is hard & it is only natural for you to want life to go back to how it once was. I do that too. It is early days.

You are doing all the right things. The practical stuff although necessary is, frankly, the easy bit. The emotional stuff is harder.

I wish I had some advice but my h is being 'nice' and I am finding it very difficult to deal with the emotional stuff myself.

As far as the money situation is concerned. Get something in writing from him. Tell him you need it to sort out your tax credits or something.

It is really important that you know how much money to expect and when to expect it so a verbal agreement isn't enough.

Take care, Winnie

fwiw, his shouting at you when he has never done this relates to how badly he is dealing with the situation. He is shouting because he has no control. Good for you that you told him you will not put up with it. How much harder it will be or him if he ends up having to communicate with you only through a solicitor! Stupid man.

my beautiful DS has eczema
he had it at 6 mths when I went back to work part-time -cleared up after 4 mths
then it reappeared in March when I hit rock bottom & DR started me on ADs - after about 2 mnths DS's eczema just vanished within about 3 days

today in the bath I noticed its all over his bottomw & on his legs

this is my fault....or rather linked to my stress levels as dr told me few months back

told H that eczema has suddenly reappeared..."make sure you dont use bubble bath" he said....tw#t

hes being so horrible
rang as arranged at 6.30 (kids go to bed at 7) and tried to talk money etc which upset me & meant I was ignroing kids....he just doesnt get it - said ring later but hasnt so either with HER so cant ring or watching TV and ringing at 10pm

either way Im just not bothering

how can I have been such a bad judge of charscter

nrs Miggins, I've asked myself that 'how can I be such a bad judge of character?' and when rational I know that what I was judging was what I was seeing. It is not that we were bad judges of character it is either that they have changes, or that they deceived us in the first place.

I am sorry about your ds skin... but it IS NOT your fault.

H has just sent me a txt saying speak to me tom after kids in bed - this is NOT what we agreed
finally tracked him down - mobile swicthced off
he answered hotel phone & said he wa on other line

I said Im not speaking tom as we agreed - he said hes not paying any money to me....so I will be ringing solicitor tom

just been on phoen to friend in tears - hes being sooooo horrib;e adn doesnt care or see link with DS escema
just a horrible man

Mrs Miggins

I have been following your thread and just wanted to say we are all rooting for you - poor ds - my ds found great relief from a supplement from the health food shop when he was stressed over starting school - it is by Bioforce and is called Child essence - I have just checked and it is recommended for life changes at home/school, may be worth trying? the website is

www.bioforce.co.uk

They do quite a few different ones, there is also one called Emergency essence which would maybe help you a bit through these tramatic times? I can't add any other advice apart from that, as you are getting so much already from MN!

But just to say you are doing wonderfully, and he sounds simply awful - you WILL get through this as you are a strong women

Mrs Miggins - this is the blurb c&p from the web on Child essence:

Jan de Vries Child Essence. This combination of Flower Essences may help to maintain a feeling of calm and restfulness and a sense of physical wellbeing.

Negative indications: Irritable, fracious, attention seeking, overactive, disruptive, impressionable, under confident, tantrums, squabbling, adjusting to life changes e.g. home/school.

Positive transformations: Stable, relaxed, steady, centred and still, patient, well adjusted, confident.

Worth a try? We found it helped enormously with my ds

Mrs M I really really understand what you are going through my dh has stopped all payments and left me with nothing. Finance is another means to control us. I am seeing my solicitor this morning.

My youngest dd has excema and it has flaired up as well. This is really not your fault it is his for ebing such a c**p dad. We need to take care of ourselves at times like these and not beat ourselves up!

MrsM, if he threatens to leave you without any money, there are several things you can do. Firstly, contact the benefits agency and get application forms for every benefit to which you might be entitled. The agency will advise you or, better still, the benefits specialist at your local CAB will know.

Secondly, see your solicitor straight away with a view to issuing divorce proceedings. Once these are underway, your solicitor can issue an application for maintenance pending suit (this effectively gets the court to order him to pay maintenance at a given rate until such time as finances have been finally sorted). Don't forget to take your marriage certificate with you when you see your solicitor.

Thirdly, write to him pointing out exactly what effect this will be having on his children and keep a copy of the letter - and of any response you receive.

Thank you Freckle. That has helped me too!

Hi Mrs M - seems like most of them go through the same stages! Mine stopped all finances except child maintenance - but knows I am short of money by doing so - don't they realise this affects the children as well??? He's a sad B'stard that thinks he is giving money only to ME and not that I have to look after his children!! Have cancelled all direct debits and will be sending closing balances to him for payment (as they are in his name!!) when I move. I await the fireworks yet again!

My dd's eczema has also flared up this year and thought this was stress related - although he will argue that point as well!!

Keep your strength up - your coping much better than I am and I'm further down the line! I have a very nasty piece of work to deal with just because I wont agree to everything he wants me to agree to! I may be stupid but I'm NOT THAT STUPID!

Hang in there, MrsM. If he going to get nasty ~(and that is obvious now) you might want to change the locks and make him get a court order to get in. It might buy you a bit of time if nothing else. Sounds like there aren't going to be any limits to how low he may stoop. Please protect yourself.