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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Chin up and tits out for the recently ditched.. in here!

90 replies

lubeybooby · 13/05/2011 11:35

Hi all

Noticed this thread title before but it seems to have moved on to "dumpling no more"

I'm not quite ready for that yet and noticed a few of us being in the same situation so thought I would start this thread for anyone findingly themselves single all of a sudden.

Pull up a chair, get yourself a Brew or a Wine and a cream cake (or push it away because you still can't eat) and lets begin healing the wounds here.

We will survive.

OP posts:
Original poster
lubeybooby · 13/05/2011 11:39

I'm still in the "can't eat" stage and every day is so painful and a fight in my own head not to lose it or yell at and sob down the phone contact him. It's been 6 days.

I'm redecorating and having a big clear out, been and got my hair done and just trying to look after myself and get on with things as much as possible.

I have a few lingering questions and things I want to say to him, that I have thought of since because I was in shock still last time I saw him. I'm taking the weekend to decide whether or not I can start to move on without some final closure.

OP posts:
LawrieMarlow · 13/05/2011 11:44

Hello :)

Am not sure where I belong really - H moved out three weeks ago but after knew it was going to happen from about January onwards. Not sure if there is going to be any reconciliation or if I want it.

Have to see him to pass children over quite often which has good and bad points. Am doing "OK" meaning I am doing everything that needs to be done but feeling pretty awful a lot of the time.

Am growing my hair (was very short Grin). Have lots of work on for the next couple of months (seasonal work) which is also good.

Am fed up with the whole claiming benefits thing and would like it to get sorted out soon. H paying maintenance fine. Things are amicable which is good, children seem fine which is also good. Just feel rather wrung out.

Original poster
lubeybooby · 13/05/2011 11:57

I feel awful all the time too. It's just always there in the background.

I don't have kids with my newest ex (only have one 14 yr old dd) but I remember the days of having to see her dad after we split. Not nice.

OP posts:
toptramp · 13/05/2011 11:59

I'm also gutted but getting stronger. I alternate from anger, hurt sorrow etc to being relieved it's over. I am sure I don't want him back but it ended so badly with spiteful things said on both sides. I just wanted it to end well.

toptramp · 13/05/2011 12:01

i hav also shopped too much!

Original poster
lubeybooby · 13/05/2011 12:02

Hi toptramp, how long has it been?

I keep having angry moments creep in, mostly just gutted though.

I also keep having the odd moment where I feel ok, strong even...but it doesn't seem to last long.

OP posts:
Original poster
lubeybooby · 13/05/2011 12:05

Oh god the shopping. I'm really having to curb my urges! I had only just invested in loads of new make up and some clothes, so household stuff is my purchase of choice for doing it up. But I also keep having urges to go for a facial, spray tan, nails done etc. I might have to choose just one of those for now I think.

My dd is off to Italy on a school trip sat 21st, and thats when he was meant to be doing the final bits of moving in. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself during that time.

OP posts:
toptramp · 13/05/2011 12:10

I've just banned myself from ebay and shopping centres. I don't want to be in debt as well as newly dumped.
I think a few new clothes are ok though. It's important to look hot as much as possible even when going through hell. Show em what their missing!
My hair looks shit atm and I am also growing it. It's that wierd in-between stage.
Keep shaving, showering and preening ladies. Find your inner core of steel and use it to better yourselves. Also excersise is fab. I do aerobics. A break up is an opportunity for change.

It was on the cards but so painful and I do want to write hiom a card to let him know I regret the things we said to each other even though I know it's best we broke up but he wants ZERO contact.

toptramp · 13/05/2011 12:11

I do feel like ive done a round with mike tson though and i'm so confused.

toptramp · 13/05/2011 12:13

mike tyson even

LawrieMarlow · 13/05/2011 12:14

My hair is starting to resemble something other than a complete mess.

Was v short and started growing it in December. Hair grips are my friends :)

Am desperately trying to not overspend as money always was short anyway. Luckily my mum and dad are helping me and I also do a bit of mystery shopping which means I get to shop and be paid for it (although there is a bit of a time lag to the paying bit).

I am eating all the wrong things when I do eat. And must start doing some running again I think.

LawrieMarlow · 13/05/2011 12:16

Plus I am going to bed too late all the time.

bananahammoc · 13/05/2011 12:19

Thank goodness for thsi link, can I please join all you lovely ladies., My split is 12 months June and I still feel utterly terrible. We had a good marriage, loved my H dearly but he had an affair so I kicked him out. He came back and left again couldnt stand the guilt (apparently). He is now happy and skipping through life and me and my DCs are sad. He is in process of signing house over and Im so terrified of going it alone and being solely responsible for my DCs. I wish I could escape this torment but it doesnt seem to get any easier. My friends are so strong for me but even they are getting tired. Its also my wedding anniversary today, Friday 13th (very apt). I miss him every day and fight the urge to call him. Its sad but I do have good days, just more bad.

xxxx

Original poster
lubeybooby · 13/05/2011 12:21

I think we are all doing really well under the shit circumstances

I got 3 inches cut off my hair yesterday, it looks great, just need to dye it now bastard bloody grey hairs, I'm sure I have a million more after this week from hell.

Definitely curbing the shopping here too. Got to keep it to the minimum to allow me to feel happier with my house and myself. My confidence was at an all time low before this, out of nowhere but I do feel it returning a little bit.

I have to admit to a small part of the looking after myself being in case I see him. If that happens I want to kill him via stealth methods - being gorgeous and serene.

Toptramp I can't say whether you should send that card or not. I suppose it depends if you can live with not hearing anything back, if you just want to say your final piece with no ulterior motive then maybe?

Unmumsnetty hug x

OP posts:
Original poster
lubeybooby · 13/05/2011 12:25

Bananahammoc hello. I'm sorry to hear your story, it sounds hellish. If you have been experiencing this for a year, god I feel for you so much you poor thing. Keep leaning on your friends, that's what they are there for. Do you ever get a night out? Unmumsnetty hug for you too x

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Original poster
lubeybooby · 13/05/2011 12:26

Lawrie I've been having sleeping tablets so far, it gets to about 9pm and I'm just counting down til I can get some peace in oblivion. I keep bloody dreaming about him though so not sure how much help my early nights are.

OP posts:
LawrieMarlow · 13/05/2011 12:32

I just find the bed feels empty Blush. Is good having nights with the children away though

Original poster
lubeybooby · 13/05/2011 12:45

I keep sleeping on the sofa to avoid the actual bed. It's really comfortable and lovely though, my bed... so I must get some new sheets or something I think to make me happier in there again

OP posts:
Thomas1969 · 13/05/2011 12:50

Ive no experience of this but all i can say is stick it out. Talk to friends, find something that engages your mind and know you've made the rite choice. As a bloke, ive yet to meet a man who is worth 10 years of an unhappy relationship.

Patienceobtainsallthings · 13/05/2011 14:12

This thread was a life line to me for the last year and a half ,if you ever need something to read the thread "Road to Recovery for the recently diched" and all the " All new road to recovery threads " have loads of stories of how ladies coped .Big hugs to you all .Unless you have been through it you dont know how it feels and I found MN support a zillion times more helpful than RL people .
Chin Up Tits Out !!!

Original poster
lubeybooby · 13/05/2011 14:17

So, I decided it was driving me mad and I couldn't wait til Monday so I text him asking to meet somewhere public and neutral for final closure. I just have some things to say and a couple of questions to ask. Then I think I have a chance of trying to move on. I already have some questions answered just from chatting on the phone so that should shorten the time and agony face to face.

So he agreed anyway and we are meeting Monday. Then that will be that.

God I feel awful. This had better help as I think it will.

OP posts:
Original poster
lubeybooby · 13/05/2011 14:20

Thanks Patienceobtainsallthings I will probably take a look at those x

OP posts:
Patienceobtainsallthings · 13/05/2011 14:30

I used it to dump out all my rage ,so lots of swearing in my posts Lubey .I wasnt necessarily writing to anyone IYSWIM just ranting about my fuckwit X ,loads of anger,denial,hope,sadness and also v v funny !!!!
Just the biggest fecking rollercoaster ride I have ever been on in my life .My life will never be the same again ,I am stronger and truer to myself now ,a definate time of emotional growth and healing xxxxx

Original poster
lubeybooby · 13/05/2011 14:45

God that is a great idea, rage dumping. Shall I do some? Go on... dare me to get out what lurks!

I have been so reasonable and restrained through this It's probably time I did.

OP posts:
toptramp · 13/05/2011 16:02

I want closure but I never want to see him again. He has hurt me too much. So by sending a card I might get closure. I doubt it though as he has decided that I'm horse shit (his words) So why do I feel so sad about loosing an abuser? Because he could be lovely when he wanted to be. I miss Mr Lovely and Mr Hyde. I don't miss Mr Jeckl.