Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He doesn't want any more children

142 replies

wonderinn · 12/05/2011 22:55

Prior to marrying my DH was very clear that he only intended to have one child with me. This was due to him having 2 children already (as I had no children). That was all well and good until I had my DD 18 months ago. I can't seem to get over the idea of just having one child and as DH is not prepared to change his mind, I don't know how I can overcome these feelings. Any one else been in this situation ? Also as I am 39, the biological clock is ticking loud and clear.

OP posts:
firstsupermum · 12/05/2011 23:01

was you agree with him in the first time, why you didnt tell him at the first time?

firstsupermum · 12/05/2011 23:07

dont take me wrong wonderinn i just want to know if he said it in before the marriage, but i still it's your wright if you want to have more, he is having 3 but its just one for you, so try with him specially you are 39.

Original poster
wonderinn · 12/05/2011 23:11

I never realised how much I would LOVE beng a mother! Hence don't feel I can stop at one ...

OP posts:
firstsupermum · 12/05/2011 23:15

I am the same, thats way i understand you, i love having a lotof children even its hard work, i havd ds 2 and now pregnant with second, I am 37, so i was thinking i will not have none as i was trying for 6years, so i realy now how do you feel at 39 but dont worry you still got time, but if you want more children have them.

zikes · 12/05/2011 23:16

Well, you have to talk with your dh and explain how you're feeling. If he's immovable on the subject, then it's whether not having another child is a deal-breaker for you.

firstsupermum · 12/05/2011 23:27

why not explain to him that you want you dd to have a baby brother or sister in the house with her.

Original poster
wonderinn · 12/05/2011 23:28

Thanks for your posts. Unfort the way it's heading I do think this is a deal breaker . It doesn't look like DH is moving on this .. Sad

OP posts:
firstsupermum · 12/05/2011 23:59

i am sorry to hear that, its a bit hard to give you advice on this one, if you know he will not change his mind, but thats what you want, have more children.
why not get pregnant and claim it just happen you didnt plan it, and keep the baby, it's not nice advice but i dont have other ideas.

perfumedlife · 13/05/2011 00:11

I think the fact your dh was totally honest at the start, before marriage and dc, you really have to respect that. I can see it must be painful for you. From his side, he has two kids he doesn't live with, due to a break up. Perhaps he is now worried your desire for another will cost him this marriage, and he will have two sets of children he doesn't live with. It's worst case scenario I know, but it must worry him.

Morally, i just can't see that allowing this to be a dealbreaker is in any way right, not when he was clear at the start, and you, presumably, were in agreement.

overthehill · 13/05/2011 00:11

When I married my dh he already had one child and didn't want any more and at the time I agreed with him. However, I then came to realise that actually I would like a child of my own and eventually he came round. We agreed that this would be an only child as I was satisfied with that at the time. Then a while later everyone who'd been pregnant when I was with dd started getting pregnant again, which I found very painful. We had the same discussions all over again and eventually dh caved in and we had ds. I was nearly 38 when I had dd and 41 when I had ds so there's still hope for you yet on both counts; maybe when your dd is a bit older and a bit less hard work (I think most men find babies and toddlers harder than when they get older) he might be persuaded to change his mind.

However, I guess that if he doesn't it will be painful (as it was for my friend who was desperate for no.2 but her dh was adamant that one was enough) but then at least you have the joy brought to you by your dd and you have always to remember that. After we had ds my dh became very depressed and there were times when I wondered whether he instinctively knew that having another child wouldn't be good for his health. He's better now but it was a long, hard struggle at the time and I did wonder if we'd made a big mistake.

AprilSunshine · 13/05/2011 00:14

What are his reasons for not wanting another child? Imo it's very selfish of him. It's like he gets everything, he has three biological children but you are only allowed ONE? If he was that set on not having any more children he'd have had his balls tied.

Even though I'm generally against this kind of thing, if I was in your position i would definitely be forgetting to pop a few pills here and there. If you were younger, I wouldn't, but this may be your last chance. What's the worst that can happen- he divorces you? What do you think about that?

I am only saying that this is what I would do, it is morally questionable but truthfully, I would do it I was in the same position

I am a bad bad woman

perfumedlife · 13/05/2011 00:18

It's like he gets everything, he has three biological children but you are only allowed ONE? Oh very mature AprilSunshine. He also presumably doesn't get to live full time with his first two, therefore missing out on lots of lovely aspects of their lives.

For crying out loud, the man was totally upfront and honest, the op could have said no thanks, I may change my mind and want more. She didn't.

Actually, the worst that can happen is that he divorces her. Another broken family, another child growing up with a weekend dad. Result.

LadyLapsang · 13/05/2011 00:19

I don't think you should get pregnant without his consent. To be fair he was very clear with you what the deal was - he has three children and that's a big and expensive commitment. You have one child together, I think you will just have to accept that unless he changes his mind. I would say back off if you want any chance of a change of heart. We only have one - not my choice - and I know how hard it can be, but better to do a good job bringing up one child that spend all your time arguing about not having a number 2, 3 etc., splitting up & harming the child you have already. Having said that, if he is sure his family is complete there is no reason why he should not have a vasectomy, why should you be responsible for contraception?

AprilSunshine · 13/05/2011 00:25

No, it isn't mature Perfumed but it's the way I would feel, I'm just being honest.

I don't think it's fair to put restrictions on numbers of potential future children tbh. ESPECIALLY, saying you're allowed ONE child, knowing full well the partner is likely to love being a mother and want more. It isn't fair. Marriage is not about making demands with boundaries that are unmovable- especially over children, this DH is robbing the OP of something precious.

I grew up with no father at all, and it still wasn't a 'broken family' Confused

perfumedlife · 13/05/2011 00:35

Good, you didn't feel your family was broken, and there does seem to be some disagreement over the use of the word. But, when you have a marriage that was working and good, fall apart over an issue like this, it will be considered a broken home. It was an intact home, and then it was broken into two homes, usually with the father living apart from his children. And this dad already is, from his first two.

Life isn't fair. The man is responsible for three kids already and is now feeling pressure to cave in to a fourth. I can't see how this is selfish of him.

AprilSunshine · 13/05/2011 00:37

Basically OP,

you have a few options....

  1. Accept decision, leave dh go get sperm donor asap
  2. Accept decision, stay with dh, stick with one dc
  3. Don't accept decision, try to do more persuading (have no idea how- this you could get advice on?)
  4. Don't accept decision, do the dirty, make a baby and face repercussions

Wishing you well. Whatever you choose to do, be strong about it and don't torment yourself with might have been. This will do you more harm than anything else in the long run. If you decide to stay with dh, don't become spiteful and hold it against the man. You'll end up hating him in the end. Make sure it's a decision you can live with.

ohnoshedittant · 13/05/2011 00:44

I don't think the marriage is working that well perfumedlife or the op wouldn't be here. She says 'I do think this is a deal breaker'. So the home may end up 'broken' or in 'two parts' anyway. Another baby could stop the break not make it.

perfumedlife · 13/05/2011 00:52

What? From the op's desire to have another child, you have deduced that an entire marriage is not working ohnoshedittant? I call that a huge assumption. You could argue the marriage must be working very well, or the op wouldn't be so desperate to have another child with her dh.

She is saying this could be a deal breaker now, she didn't when they discussed it prior to marriage. I understand that people change, life changes you, kids change you. But just because you really want something badly now, that doesn't mean your dh is selfish, that he ought to cave in.

ohnoshedittant · 13/05/2011 01:02

'I can't seem to get over the idea of just having one child and as DH is not prepared to change his mind, I don't know how I can overcome these feelings'

'Unfort the way it's heading I do think this is a deal breaker '

I deduced that the marriage isn't going that well based on those comments. Not on the OP's desire to have another child.

I'm not commenting on individual aspects of the marriage. I'm sure you're right that she wouldn't want another baby with him if it generally wasn't good. However, when you have feelings you can't overcome, your DH won't accommodate these feelings and you feel that it's a dealbreaker....that indicates to me that the marriage isn't 'working and good' and is in some danger of breaking down.

ThatVikRinA22 · 13/05/2011 01:09

totally totally wrong to forget the pill and do it anyway, without speaking to him. the baby will have a father who has had no choice, and that is totally wrong when the op's husband has said he doesnt wish to have any more children - what if the boot were on the other foot and someone forced your hand into having a child you dont want and were upfront about not wanting?

dont do that op.

speak to him. dont get pg behind his back, if i were a man in that position that would be a dealbreaker for me. its too "fuck you, im doing what i want anyway" and that is totally unfair. He will have to commit to a baby, financially if nothing else, when he has stated from the off that he doesnt want another. i dont want any more children, if my husband wanted more then we would have to talk, but ultimately i dont want any more and he would either have to accept it or leave me, it is totally wrong to force someone into father hood in this way.

perfumedlife · 13/05/2011 01:12

That's semantics, those comments are all about her desire to have another child. What about the deal she made getting married, the vows, to love and cherish, thick and thin, good times and bad? Those came first.

Of course I agree with you that she ought to leave the marriage if she becomes utterly unable to reconcile herself with their original deal. What I am stunned at is 'advice' to get pregnant anyway.

AprilSunshine · 13/05/2011 01:28

Im sure an unwanted child counts as 'bad times' for the dh?

Sorry I'm being naughty again.

It was a very very cruel deal. I couldn't be married to a man who refused me more than one child. I think it's awful to offer that to someone who does not yet know the joy of children. It's not like the OP knew what the deal MEANT in real terms, she'd never experienced it.

Is that really being 'loving'?

Of course it's wrong to get pregnant anyway, regardless of the dh's feelings. Everyone can see that, it's blatantly a desperate measure that is being suggested.

ThatVikRinA22 · 13/05/2011 01:35

but april - the crux of the matter is that she AGREED to him saying he only wanted one more child, he was upfront and honest. How can you suggest that someone force their partner into parenthood when they dont want that? that is a life times commitment, money, and possibly a wrecked marriage because of it. stupid and selfish in the extreme. if it was a deal breaker then the op could have walked away, she didnt. you cant have your cake and eat it. if my DH said to me you either have a baby or im leaving id say leave. its too massive a thing to force someone into by being underhand and deceitful.

AprilSunshine · 13/05/2011 01:49

Right OP

My advice,

Tell him that you're not taking charge of contraception any more. Throw away the pills, take out the implant, whatever, leave it in HIS hands. Make it clear you still want a child and write down words which explain how much another child means to you and read it to him. If he's serious he'll do something about it. You'll have forced his hand you'll know what his final decision is.

THEN you make your decision about leaving him or staying with him.

TheBride · 13/05/2011 02:15

Agree with Vicar. It's not as though the husband has changed his mind post-marriage.

OP- if all else is good in the relationship, I think you're mad to leave your DH. Without wanting to be harsh, you need to split up with him, find someone else, make sure they're the right person and get pregnant again. That's going to take about 2 years minimum - you're going back in the market with a 2 year old in tow, which is likely to hamper your social life somewhat. You've also got to find another guy who wants more kids- a lot of the men you're likely to meet will probably be in the same situation as your DH. By the time you get in a position with NewMan where you can have more kids, you might find the urge has passed, or you cant get pregnant , or, or or.

Yes, this board is full of 40 somethings who met their lovely DH in their late thirties and got pregnant straight off, but they are the minority in RL.

You say it's a deal breaker but that's a pretty punchy bet.