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Original poster

He doesn't want any more children

142 replies

wonderinn · 12/05/2011 22:55

Prior to marrying my DH was very clear that he only intended to have one child with me. This was due to him having 2 children already (as I had no children). That was all well and good until I had my DD 18 months ago. I can't seem to get over the idea of just having one child and as DH is not prepared to change his mind, I don't know how I can overcome these feelings. Any one else been in this situation ? Also as I am 39, the biological clock is ticking loud and clear.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 13/05/2011 03:28

why not get pregnant and claim it just happen you didnt plan it, and keep the baby, it's not nice advice

You are damn tight it isn't nice advice! What about her dh;s right not to have more children? Why don't HIS rights matter!

I was unwanted & lived with fall out for 18 years, as unfortunately it was my mother who didn't want me! She was persuaded to try (my dad, her brothers), but the bonding never happened!

We don't talk. 2 shattered lives!

differentnameforthis · 13/05/2011 03:34

Imo it's very selfish of him

He hasn't suddenly sprung this on her, she knew before marriage!

You could say, that by trying to persuade him to have one more, the OP is being very selfish!

differentnameforthis · 13/05/2011 03:37

Marriage is not about making demands with boundaries that are unmovable

But the OP is the one making the demands! The dh is just wanting to stay with the status quo..

GiveMeSomeSpace · 13/05/2011 07:37

Let's be clear OP. Your DH has been open and honest. You have moved the goal posts, which is fine in itself - but give him the respect he deserves and be honest and open in return.

AprilSunshine "if I was in your position i would definitely be forgetting to pop a few pills here and there......"
Truly disgusting, deceitful and shameful. It is not morally questionable - it is morally bankrupt. After reading your lovely post, I have to remind myself that most people are not like you.

Having seen this sort of thing happen to someone we know, my wife and I hope to dear god that our sons are never snared by someone like you.

lookingfoxy · 13/05/2011 07:46

Hi, Im in the same position, adamant didn't want anymore kids or to get married, I had ds and dp had dss.

I changed my mind on both counts, I wanted these things with dp, he didn't want them, either with me or anyone else.

We now live seperately (these weren't the only issues).

I have told him in the last few weeks that I still want another child, he still doesn't, he still wants to be with me though! Go figure!

I would never trick him into getting me pregnant and he knows this, I respect his rights NOT to be a father as he respects mine to be a mother.
I don't know whats going to happen, im going to get my coil removed soon, I think!! I really don't know what to do.

You are certainly not alone!

colditz · 13/05/2011 07:50

You cannot, you just cannot force another child on someone. he will probably leave you and may not bother to see the marriage wrecking baby. Yay! Result?

Ermm - no.

GiveMeSomeSpace · 13/05/2011 07:56

OP & lookingfoxy - I should add that most people with children will probably understand how you have come to change your mind once you've had your first child. It must be a horrible position to be in. Looks like you've got an awful lot of talking to do. Wishing you good luck :)

WobblyWidgetOnTheScooper · 13/05/2011 08:00

OP, can he explain exactly why he does not want any more? IMO 'the fact he's got 3 already' isn't a full reason on its own. I mean, I have 2, and don't want any more, but the reason is not just 'I have two already' - that's just numbers, it's meaningless as some people have loads of DCs.

Do you see what I'm getting at? Can he explain further - is it money, time, age?

lookingfoxy · 13/05/2011 08:01

We've done our talking, its really a stalemate Sad we both understand the others needs.
It really lies in my hands now where I go next.

MumblingRagDoll · 13/05/2011 08:05

I think this is so selfish...one more makes hardly any difference unless you're planning on private education. I hate it when people do that to their partner...nothing is set in stone and it[s unfair.

OP I understand....my DH was relutant to have number 2 despite my telling him about how I wa worried that our DD would be alone in later life...not have a sibling to play with....and he could not understand...his mate even had a go at him about it.

In the end I fell pregnant by happy accident and we now have 2 lovely DDs, he wouldn't be without either of them and loves them dearly. I hop you manage to sort this out.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 13/05/2011 08:05

April You are being awful. The husband of the OP was very clear on his position before marriage and has not changed his mind. Of course, people change, and while the OP agreed with him before she had a child, she has now had a change of heart. This is normal, and understandable.

What is also understandable is his position. He knows what he (doesn't) want. She must accept his decision and decide if she can stay with him. Refusing to take contraception is just ridiculous. It's like saying that he doesn't know his own mind, that if she works on him enough then she will get what she wants. Why should his position not be respected.

You should NEVER force a child on a parent that doesn't want one. Utterly awful.

MumblingRagDoll · 13/05/2011 08:08

He's being selfish. What harm is one more ffs?? He has 3! It's not like he has chosen to have none.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 13/05/2011 08:09

mumbling - well this is just bollocks. "One more makes no difference"...one more makes all the difference when you don't want one!!

I very definitely do not want another child. I don't want to get up in the night, I don't want to do potty training again, I don't want to feed another child, wean another child. The thought of another one is pretty awful to me. No-one would say to me that I was being unreasonable.

And why? Because I am a woman! Why is his position worth less? Because he is a man? Therefore he should just put up and shut up?

The one that doesn't want the child should always get the right of veto. It is awful to want a child and not have one, but the reverse is FAR worse.

LostInTransmogrification · 13/05/2011 08:09

Agree with AprilSunshine, make it clear to him that you want another baby (and if you become pregnant you will be keeping the baby) and that the contraception is up to him. That way you are being honest and he cant blame you if you get pregnant. If he heads to the doctors for the snip then you will know how strongly he feels about it, which should help you make any decisions about what to do next. Whatever you do don't 'forget' to take the pill. If he feels that he has been deceived then it will likely affect his relationship with the child as well as you.

MumblingRagDoll · 13/05/2011 08:12

Pft....being a parent involves getting up or being otherwise inconvenienced for quite some time...it does not magically stop when they reach 5. That''s why I say that one more makes not much difference.

Butterbur · 13/05/2011 08:27

A woman's desire for a child is a very visceral thing, and not at all, IMO to be equated to a man's desire for a peaceful life.

I don't think the sexes are equal in this, and I feel that a man who denies his wife another child, just because he doesn't fancy one, totally fails to understand the nature of this need. Only one person can win this argument, and a man that insists it's him is controlling.

Any decent man would be prepared to have another child to fulfil his wife's biological need.

Fiddledee · 13/05/2011 08:33

Butterbur your are putting emotional needs of a woman above all other needs - financial, time, the husbands emotional needs, the step childrens emotional and financial needs too. I would love a third but DH doesn't and it would impact all the family did, I would be the only person better off I think in many ways.

QueentessentialExcel · 13/05/2011 08:46

It is mad. What are you going to tell your child when she asks why you and her dad are not together? "oh darling, you were so lovely when you were a baby I decided to split from your dad so that I could have more lovely little children, as I enjoy being a mother so much, I decided your dad should only be a dad at the weekends and not have him in your life full time".

How do you think your children will react?

I am sorry, but I think it would be extremely selfish to let two children grow up without their father, because you chose having a second child for yourself as more important than the needs of the child you already have. You knew the score when you married him.

Butterbur · 13/05/2011 08:47

Yes, I am. From the women I know who've been in this situtation, I do think they have a different quality, and women can grieve for the rest of their lives for the child they wanted and never had.

I don't think men "grieve" for an extra round of golf on a Saturday anda new car in quite the same way.

GnomeDePlume · 13/05/2011 08:59

So OP you get your way, you get that child which your husband doesnt want, might never want. This may well end your marriage.

The message it gives your daughter is that she wasnt good enough.

The message you theoretical second child gets is that his/her father doesnt want him/her, resents his/her existence and that that he/she caused the parents to split.

Where does it stop? Will you feel the same yearning for a third/fourth/fifth child?

Life is full of ifs, buts and maybes. Having another child is not you right.

You made your bed, lie in it.

zikes · 13/05/2011 09:01

For the child's sake, it is important that both parents want him or her. Sure, some people might come round to having a child they didn't want, but it's a hell of a risk to take with a child's happiness. The possibility of becoming the scapegoat/the less favoured one/of being resented? No, no-one should be pressured into having another child or think that their need to have a child outweighs the potential fall-out for that child.

bonkers20 · 13/05/2011 09:04

I think it would be wrong to give up what you do have (a husband and a child) for something you don't have (another child). I think YOU need to work on accepting that this is what you signed up for and that cheating your DH into having another or leaving him because of it is wrong and totally unfair.
He is not being at all selfish. He was honest with you and you agreed to it. How unfair for your existing child to possibly tear his family in two because you've changed your mind.

Bonsoir · 13/05/2011 09:04

My DP has two DSs from his first marriage. We have a DD together. I would have loved to have had another DD (or two!) but:

  • we would both have loathed to have a boy (boys) - there are enough of those around already in our family
  • three children is a very easy number for things like cars, holidays, bedrooms. A fourth child would have made life very much more expensive and complicated
  • there are real, non-negligeable pluses for me to having only one little girl - little girls are very easy and portable and they have adorable little friends as well (but you can send the friends home again after a while)
pickyourbrain · 13/05/2011 09:08

I can't beleive that any one is suggesting that OP should have a baby without his consent Shock utter Shock

The man will be financially responsible for that child for the next 18 years! Not to mention the extra strain it will put on raising the 3 he already has.

I understand that when you have the deisre for another child it is a powerful thing, and if your partner doesnt share these desires then god, it must kill you. But it's not for any person on earth to take another person's life in to their hands.

pickyourbrain · 13/05/2011 09:10

How involved are you with the step children? I see myself as having two children because my dp has a child from a previous marriage.