He doesn't want any more children

[wonderinn]

Prior to marrying my DH was very clear that he only intended to have one child with me. This was due to him having 2 children already (as I had no children). That was all well and good until I had my DD 18 months ago. I can't seem to get over the idea of just having one child and as DH is not prepared to change his mind, I don't know how I can overcome these feelings. Any one else been in this situation ? Also as I am 39, the biological clock is ticking loud and clear.

wonderinn, no-one can say whether your desire for more children will pass, but I can tell you my experience. We decided not to have any dcs in this relationship, because we felt it would be detrimental to the dcs we already had (from previous relationship). It was not an easy decision, and we would have dearly loved to have a child between us. I simultaneously had the 'ticking time bomb' of my biological clock, and I know that there were times when if he had wavered for half an instant, I'd have said yes to another baby. I had the kind of longing to be pregnant (even though I'd hated it before), and to hold a tiny baby that felt at times like it was obsessional. But the feelings did pass, and we both threw our energy into making things good for each other and for the existing dc.

I am very glad now, that we made the difficult decision and stuck with it, it was definitely the right thing to do for our relationship and for our existing family.

differentnameforthis I think you are damn tight, your not to pick at what i have said

Haha, that was meant to be 'damn right'!

And I will pick at what you said, because it was a stupid idea!

You realise if you split-up you'll see less of the DC you have now?

I mean he would at least expect to have his child every other weekend and one mid-week, half the holidays and alternate Christmas.

Would you be ok with that?

I have an only child cousin. When his father died recently he commented to me that one of the things he was finding the hardest was that no one else knew how he felt. Yes other people have lost a parent but no one knew what it was like to lose that parent. That really stuck with me. Half siblings aren't the same thing.

I totally understand where you're coming from op with the older mother thing. It's not as straightforward as women just flitting around having fun before looking for a mate in their thirties. I always thought I would have at least three kids, and would have loved to settle down in my twenties. I met someone, but he had three kids already and the snip, and thank god really as it went pear shaped anyway.

By the time I met dh I was 35, and 37 when I had ds. I would have like more but had health problems after his birth, and I did want to see it from dh's view, as I said earlier. He was happy with his son from first marriage and our ds. I believe I could have pushed for another, but with the health issues I didn't.

So, having given this more thought overnight, I do actually think you have some justification for feeling short changed. I do still feel your dh was right to set out what he could cope with, especially as he will be an older dad, but I can see why you feel such a pull for another. It's just, is it worth breaking up a home? As someone said, you will see less of your dd when she goes to stay with her father. She will have a different father from any sibling you give her (assuming you leave dh and meet another man).

Reading the post from the mans point of view up thread, I agree with him that the co-erced partner can spend years simmering with resentment. What must that feel like to the child? What a price to pay.

I really and truly do sympathise and I have no answers. x

Meant to add, I don't consider my child an only as he is very close to her half brother. Infact we refer to him as his brother always. He is also close to lots of cousins and we are a big family. Perhaps that makes it easier.

But the sibling thing can be a red herring as someone else said. I have two sisters and a brother and we are not close. When a major family issue arose five years back, they were the opposite of supportive to me. I hold no truck with this cosy idea that they will help me deal with elderly parents.

How many threads on here about sibling rivalry and arguments are there?

OP, I can see from your later posts that you have arrived at this time as much through accidents of fate as through design. I am sorry for your unhappiness but I cannot see that your DH is wrong. Unless you can find a way to reconcile yourself with your situation you will find that time is not on your side. Even if your DH were to have a change of heart there would be no guarantees of success. This would then bring its own form of misery. Have you seriously looked into adoption (you mentioned it up thread)? Again this route to parenthood brings no guarantees of happiness with enormous potential for huge emotional upheaval for your whole family.

Have you and your DH considered undertaking some form of counselling? This is something which could tear your marriage apart and ultimately leave you all unhappy.

differentnameforthis I think you are, and realy dont have a time for ones like you, go and get a life.

I feel very sorry for OP and hope she gets some resolution. But some of the wildly sexist and outdated views on this thread have me shaking my head in disbelief. If a couple discuss what they both want from their shared future, then go ahead and get married both wanting that, then the person who later changes their mind is the one 'making demands' being 'controlling' or whatever.

I can't begin to imagine what posters would think of a man changing his mind after promises made before marriage - would they call the wife controlling and demanding?

Me and DP never really discussed DCs seriously until a few years ago, when we decided to have one. We now have one and much as I love him, I absolutely, upon pain of death, do not want another one. And yes, my loss of my freedom and sense of self is part of this. As a woman, I am generally supported when I say I need my own space and that I find motherhood hard. But apparently when men say this (even fathers of three!) it gets shrugged off and equated to wanting to play golf.

As for all the people saying 'what are his reasons', he doesn't need to have reasons. The person who needs reasons is the one who makes the positive choice to bring a new human into this world. My reason for not having another child is that I don't want one. Am I allowed to feel that way, or do I need to make some kind of case for my defence?

As for the notion that OP couldn't have known how she would feel until she became a mother, that is true. But it goes both ways. I do know what it is like to be a mother and I know I don't want any more. I never specified that to my DP pre parenthood. He too doesn't want any more but if he did, would you support him in trying to plead, harrass, beg, or even trick me into changing my mind?

differentnameforthis , i know you dont like the life you had but i didnt cause it for you or any of the people who give her the advice to get pregnant, try to get over it.
thats my last words for you and i am still happy about the advice i give her. shill out.
i am chiiling out now with a , no time for you.

firstsupermum

I am commenting on a thread, I am allowed to do that! I used your comment to highlight that 'accidentally' getting pregnant could have repercussions for all! I also picked up on 2 more people's posts, but they haven't seen the need to attack me!

They can see the discussion for what it is!

I have a life, thanks. One that isn't threatened by you telling me to get one. If you don't like your comments being commented on, don't post! As soon as you put it out there, you are asking for comments.

If you can't see that, then perhaps you shouldn't be on a chat forum!

MorrisZapp I agree completely - it's very disheartening. Try and remind yourself that it's the bigoted minority that peddle views like "just get pregnant anyway" an "a man couldn't understand". They will never see men as worthy of an equal part in a relationship and are exactly the same as the bigoted men that contol their partners/wives.

Take heart from seeing that the large majority here can exercise objectivity and reason. Unfortunately there will always be the few that struggle to do so.

I am sorry for your lost pregnancies, op.

I still do feel that choosing for your dd to grow up in a one parent family, and be spending alternate weekends with her mum and dad in their separate dwellings, and negotiate over time spent where and for how long during holidays, "just" because you want more children, is unfair on your dd.

Dont railroad your relationship over this issue. Sometime, being an adult and being a parent means that you have to compromise. He might have compromised with this one child, like you are doing now.

But I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband about this. Not an argument, but a sensible calm grown up talk.

I am 39, I have two children. My dh wants a third. I dont. I honestly dont think I can cope with 3 children. I can just about manage to handle and give attention to the two I do have. One more will mean that all three children will get less attention. And I may lose my temper more, and be a grumpier mum, which is not fair on neither 3 children, nor my husband.

It is serious consideration, one that deserves a proper analysis from all your angles.

I friend of mine has two children. She is 40, the oldest is 5 and the youngest is 2. She married a man with three children from his first marriage, the oldest is a 19 year old girl who lives abroad, the other two are boys of 15 and 14. She refers to all as "our children". They have shared access, so the boys live one week with each parent. The parents live near each other. All three adults are now good friends. (Marriage broke down as they realized they were friends, as passion had gone.) To complicate this scenario a little, his ex has a 5 y ear old boy with a new (but now ex) partner, and he was born 2 days before my friends 5 year old. So, 6 children in this mix. And a happier mix I have never seen.
They ALL spend Christmas together. The 5 year old as best mates and go on sleep overs to each other. These three adults are so down to earth. I am so amazed at how well they manage to work out their life together. My friend accepted that the oldest three children (and in fact the ex wife) came as part and parcel with her husband.

So, how close are you to your husbands children? How old are they?

Again playing devils advocate, could your relationship with his kids be a reason he does not want to have more children? If you want more kids, why not spend more time getting to know children who are already here?
(Please bear with me if I am out of line, as I know nothing of your relationship with his children. I am just trying to bring some thoughts in)

"If a couple discuss what they both want from their shared future, then go ahead and get married both wanting that, then the person who later changes their mind is the one 'making demands' being 'controlling' or whatever."

So if they'd agreed to have two children and he'd now changed his mind, you'd be saying that he should have the child because of the earlier arrangement?

Or would you (as you always do on these threads) be telling the woman that her desire for a child was unreasonable and her job was to just put up with whatever her husband was prepared to dole out to her?

"Try and remind yourself that it's the bigoted minority that peddle views like "just get pregnant anyway" an "a man couldn't understand". They will never see men as worthy of an equal part in a relationship and are exactly the same as the bigoted men that contol their partners/wive"

What the fucking fuck are you talking about?

You think a woman who thinks men can't understand certain aspects of being a woman THE SAME as a man who abuses his wife?

Fucking morons like you with your false equivalences and determination that everything must be resolved to the benefit of men because that's that fairness is are menace.

spidookly i don't know if I agree with you or not... but your last post is confusing.. "Try and remind yourself that it's the bigoted minority that peddle views like "just get pregnant anyway" an "a man couldn't understand". They will never see men as worthy of an equal part in a relationship and are exactly the same as the bigoted men that contol their partners/wive"

Doesnt mention 'abuse' It states that a woman who controls her husband is the same as a husband who controls his wife. And if we're talking about equality then surely that fact can't be disputed. I know that control is a form of abuse but I feelthe way you have stated it in your last post is unecessarily emotive as i don't think it was being reffered to as such is the above quote.

all of this is a power struggle between men and women. I clearly dont need to point out that it takes a man and a woman to make a baby. I firmly feel that therefore the rights lay equal between the two. To have a baby without the man's concent is in my opinion highly controlling... assuming that the man would be expected to contribute finanically to the child equates it to stealing. Not to mention demanding an emotional connection from him that he hasn't consented too.
Similarly, a man denying his wife a baby is also controlling. But, she is free to leave and have a baby with someone else (or by arificial means) if she so wishes. Where as once he has been duped the man has no choice to undo what has been done.

However, as I said before, it shouldnt be the woman's responsibility to use contraception if she wants a baby and he doesnt. He should take that responsibility on to protect himself. I suppose morally you could almost get around not taking contraceptive pills etc and just not telling your partner (although shaky ground in terms of the true definition of honesty) But to actually lie to the fact of your husband and say you are using contraception when you are not ....?! That forms no part of marriage that i understand.

to the face of your husband

Spidookly.

I do not think that these issues should be resolved to the benefit of men. I think that when a couple can't agree on having another child, the person who doesn't want to have another must prevail, regardless of their gender.

It isn't equal - the person who wants one has to make the case, the person who doesn't has no case to make.

Having children is a positive choice, not a default. And I do know women who have not wanted children while their husbands have. The women in that case must obviously prevail - nobody should be hassled, pressured or forced to have a child they have not chosen positively.