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Original poster

He doesn't want any more children

142 replies

wonderinn · 12/05/2011 22:55

Prior to marrying my DH was very clear that he only intended to have one child with me. This was due to him having 2 children already (as I had no children). That was all well and good until I had my DD 18 months ago. I can't seem to get over the idea of just having one child and as DH is not prepared to change his mind, I don't know how I can overcome these feelings. Any one else been in this situation ? Also as I am 39, the biological clock is ticking loud and clear.

OP posts:
pickyourbrain · 13/05/2011 16:38

Yes!!

GwendolineMaryLacey · 13/05/2011 16:39

Oh I'm not saying it is. I've been ttc at 39, we both desperately wanted one more and it's hellish even in that situation, the clock is ticking so loudly I can't hear myself think! I have no idea what I would do in the OP's shoes but I agree that forcing or tricking him into a child isn't the answer.

sayithowitis · 13/05/2011 16:48

I suspect that maybe the OPs DH didn't especially want a third child, but realised that the OP would want children and therefore said that he would have one. If that is the case, then he has already made a massive compromise and I don't think he should be bullied, blackmailed or tricked into having anymore. His reasons are unimportant, it is not something he has to justify. he doesn't want anymore children. End of. If the situation were reversed, we would all be telling the OP that her DH was a controlling so why is it different in this case.

OP knew the score from the outset, just because her DH has not changed his mind, does not make him 'controlling', 'utterly horrible', or any of the other names that have been bandied around on here.

Cymar · 13/05/2011 17:09

The OP's DH has his reasons for not having more kids. This thread proves my theory that men are more logically led and women are more emotionally led. Men will make many logical reasons to or not to have kids whereas women will put their feelings first.

Life isn't fair, but although it's not right to deny a woman a solution to her emotional/maternal needs, it's also wrong to force a person into parenthood against their will. This predicament needs lots of talking and sorting out.

Original poster
wonderinn · 13/05/2011 19:27

Thanks for all your responses , just reading through and once digested will post a bit more info/ feedback etc By the way, I would not be able to do the ' accidentally' getting pregnant thing (due to my conscience) although friends have suggested too.

OP posts:
Original poster
wonderinn · 13/05/2011 21:43

I had not deserted my own thread - I work in the daytime so only go on MN at this time!
DH doesn't want anymore children as he is nearer 50 than 40, is a worrier and now wants some 'chill out ' time. He is a great father to all of the three children and the fact he does not live with his older children does not reallly seem to be his fault. He does all he can for all of his children which frustrates me further. However, this issue is starting to cause us to distance ourselves from each other and is becoming all consuming for me. Also, I don't feel necessarily that a child would have to be my biological child and would consider adopting, I feel that strongly.
I can see the issue about our child together missing out due to my 'selfishness' and I don't take that lightly. Interesting that some see the ' one child only' rule as controlling. If I could find the switch to turn off this desire the relationship and family unit could survive but I am having no luck with finding it..

OP posts:
pickyourbrain · 13/05/2011 21:44

*cymar, no, this isnt proof of that ridiculous notion.. because about 80% of replies on this post have been in understanding of not wanting more children because of the practicle implications.. and those responses have been from women.

But your second sentence I agree with.

And good for you wonderinn with the conscience thing.

pickyourbrain · 13/05/2011 21:47

So the two of you are completely divided by your desires... And I'm sure neither of you wants to deny the other their right to be in control of reproducing, yet neither of you wants to give up your own right to be in control of your own reproducing... toughy...

Whats more important, another child, or your marriage?

QueentessentialExcel · 13/05/2011 21:52

Playing devils advocate here, a sibling to share the load of elderly parents is always a good idea. Your child will have a dad who is 50 years older than her, 70 when she is 20, and no siblings.

How old are you?

bonkers20 · 13/05/2011 22:07

QueentessentialExce I agree with you. I am so pleased I now have 2 children (10 year age gap) as having recently lost my Mum it has been such a comfort (and help) to have my siblings, to help each other emotionally and also with my Dad. I would not want my older DS to have to deal with that himself. Of course, that's not a strong enough reason to have another child, but it's a very positive affect.

firstsupermum · 13/05/2011 22:24

differentnameforthis I think you are damn tight, your not to pick at what i have said, it was an idea like other one given, its for her to take it and leave it,, you had that experience doesnt means everyone will have the same life as you.

Original poster
wonderinn · 13/05/2011 22:29
  1. The sibling issue is another factor as I benefit from my sibling relationships. Yes, I would like my DD to have that experience too.
OP posts:
nijinsky · 13/05/2011 23:01

He will never know what it is like to have only one child and yearn for another. Yes, you knew his views from the outset but people change and progress through life and you have not made a deal to give away all your desires, wants and hopes as well. IMHO you can't make a "deal" about something like this anyway because it is not like a business decision but is something so fundamental, going to the heart of both your relationship and your being.

He is having his cake and eating it, and you are having to compromise constantly to allow this. Surely if he wanted never to be in this position, he could have ensured he only he only married a woman of his own age or older, and this issue would not have arisen.

QueentessentialExcel · 13/05/2011 23:07

Indeed, it is part and parcel of marrying a younger woman. He benefits from everything else your youth gives. Like a spouse to care for him in old age.... But what about you? A young widow, with only one child. And this child has no siblings for comfort and joy.

However, there is no quarantee that your two children will get on, and enjoy a great relationship.

TrillianAstra · 14/05/2011 01:39

Sibling realtionships are a red herring. Many people have good relationships with their siblings as adults. Many do not.

Quint you say that the OP's DH benefits from having a younger wife. Maybe so. But she may also benefit from having an older husband, and something she has already said she has accepted is that his thought on having more children will be coloured by the fact that he has children already.

Didyouever · 14/05/2011 03:38

' He does all he can for all of his children which frustrates me further'

Why does this frustrate you?
Maybe he realises he can't give anymore?

nooka · 14/05/2011 06:11

I'm not sure I really agree with this talk of a 'young wife'. The OP is 39 not in her twenties! I don't think it is unreasonable for anyone to feel that they are done with babies and to start planning for the next stage of their lives. It's how I feel now (I'm the same age but my children are 10 and 12) if dh suddenly decided he wanted more babies I would be horrified.

I'm guessing the OP is frustrated because she sees her dh being a great dad and doesn't really understand his anxieties. It's a difficult situation to be sure.

Lizzabadger · 14/05/2011 07:13

Your child DOES have siblings, well half-siblings anyway.

GiveMeSomeSpace · 14/05/2011 07:13

OP I think you can see that almost everyone here can see what a difficult situation this is for you and your DH. You can see that a lot of people are feeling for you.

Not sure if this will help or not, but thought I'd give you an insight into the consequences of having more children than planned and desired. My wife and I have ended up by having more children than planned and I must say, the consequences have been huge. I have certainly found where my limits are because I think I have passed them on several occasions. I have been pushed beyond the limits of my mental sanity.

The strain has been colossal and bordering on disastrous for our marriage and family. It has led to huge resentment between us and, shamefully, at far too many times I have felt deep resentment towards ALL our children. I fully accept that this is down to my own limitations - limitations I never thought I had. Going beyond my capabilities has caused me to question myself and my abilities as a father, husband and in virtually every aspect of my life. I cannot describe in words how catastrophic it has been at times.

Your DH has set out what he sees as his limits in a honest and open way. He has clearly thought this through and communicted with you and should be applauded for doing so. Please don't under estimate what pushing someone past their perceived limits could do to your family. This doesn't mean you should bury your thoughts and desires. Stating the obvious, he should be just as willing to discuss and consider your desires and needs.

Again, let me make it clear how much I understand how difficult this must be for you, especially the imbalance in children (his 3 vs your 1). I think it's fair to say there just isn't an easy answer to this.

Good luck again :)

Ormirian · 14/05/2011 07:14

If her desire for more babies is part and parcel of his marrying a 'young' wife then his decision not to have any more is part and parcel of her marrying an older man with 3 pre-existing kids.

WobblyWidgetOnTheScooper · 14/05/2011 07:22

I agree.

When I met DH (19 years older and with 3 DCs) we got serious pretty fast, and I asked very early if he wanted more DCs. Thankfully he did but if he'd said no I would have had to break it off... As heartbreaking as it would have been.

I can see how you'd stay hoping to change it though TBH. Love isn't that simple; the OP couldn't have just switched off her feelings just because of his one-child rule. My old boss was with a man for years and years even though he was adamant he'd never have DCs. By the time she broke it off recently, once and for all, well it may be too late :(

TheBride · 14/05/2011 07:22

Also, from his POV, it's completely reasonable not to want to still have dependent children when he hits retirement age. OP says he's closer to 50 than 40, so if they have another child now, he's going to be at least 65 when the child is 20, possibly closer to 70. So at 60 yrs old he's still going to have 2 sets of Uni ahead of him. That's quite a financial ask.

I'm going to be 55 by the time DS leaves home and I'm already thinking "bloody hell, that's quite old".

Original poster
wonderinn · 14/05/2011 07:37

I really appreciate all points of views and thanks to those with kind words. As many of you have said, this is a sad situation. If I thought my need for more chiildren would pass within a certain timeframe that would be something but I have no guarantee that it will pass unless satiated. Sadly, this issue is becoming something either thought or spoken about daily and starting to affect how we feel about each other.
For those with little sympathy for older mothers, sometimes you do not meet husband material until later in your life - it certainly was not a plan. Also, I had two MC's prior to my wonderful DD being born which meant further delay.I have my DD and she has a great father but I suppose the family size limitation is causing me to question the relationship with my husband.

OP posts:
pickyourbrain · 14/05/2011 07:45

Do you have much involement with your step children? Maybe if you could (and I know its not simple) consider them as your family you wouldnt feel so hard done by. I consider us a 4 person family because of my step daughter, she is with us half of the time. I would say you are a 5 person family...

ScarlettWalking · 14/05/2011 09:55

Your child does have siblings! His other children who can be very important to him if you can be bothered to nurture the relationship.

Look I am in a situation like you op. Dh has 3 children from a previous marriage and promised me he would have another with me. He is 54 and 20 yrs older than me. When dd was 3 I had a desire for another but he wants a bit of peace in his retirement and you know what I have to respect that. I married an older man with children and have a lovely priviledged life I am so lucky to have what I do. Your dh was honest with you and would you want to break up a happy home because of this? Find someone new to breed with? Madness.

As for your friends suggesting an accidentally on purpose pg. Well DH ex wife did just this and he left her. Think about that.