He doesn't want any more children

[wonderinn]

Prior to marrying my DH was very clear that he only intended to have one child with me. This was due to him having 2 children already (as I had no children). That was all well and good until I had my DD 18 months ago. I can't seem to get over the idea of just having one child and as DH is not prepared to change his mind, I don't know how I can overcome these feelings. Any one else been in this situation ? Also as I am 39, the biological clock is ticking loud and clear.

OP, remember , you only have one life . You can't come back and do it all again . There is no second chance . Yes , you may have agreed to something , yes you made vows , but goal posts do change . That is how we grow and develope as individuals . Live your life in a way that is of your choosing , not somebody else's .

You do have a responsibility to your LO , however as long as you love , provide and guide, don't feel guilty about any other decision you may make .

For what its worth , it has also been decided I will only have one , and I am pregnant with my first . I love my husband dearly , and couldn't envision growing old without him. How do you feel about your DH ? Has some of the magic been lost in the birth of your first ? is it something that needs revisiting and recapturing , without any pressure regarding another child, it may help you make sense of your feelings and your DHs his .

I believe it is very important that we get what we want out of life , that you have no major regrets . You potentially could have two big ones here , a broken family , or not having another child . Only you know which would be the worst , but do take time to work out your feelings , things may change .

Why does he not want Another dc?

If it's financial, could you go back to work to pay for it?
Do you hAVE the space? How often does je see his other 2? Does he pay a lot in maintenance?

Bonsior are you comparing your little girl to his bigger boys, who are not yours and have been brought up differently, and are bigger, as a reason why girls are intrinsically better than boys? I thought you were an intelligent person who would realise that a boy that was yours and brought up by you would probably be very different both to your DSSs and your DD, and not just through being "a boy".

April's 1234 is correct, these are the options OP. I wouldn't recommend 4.

op-this very sad,but if this carries on at loggerheads you will end up ruining your relationship,there isnt any compromise on this ,someone has to lose .
as it is you ,who is now moving the goal posts and he was honest from the start ,i dont think you should expect him to change his mind.
if youve been asking for a while and getting upset and hes still not budged ,he is not likely to now.
have you told him that it would mean so much to you ,and your biological clock is ticking?
what is his reason for not wanting anymore?money?space?

Getting pregnant behind his back (as it were!) would be a catastrophically bad idea. He has been honest about his feelings from the outset and a deception on that scale would almost certainly spell the death of your relationship. You need to decide whether you value your relationship (and the prospect of your dc growing up in a happy, stable environment) more than the possibility of a second child.
Did your dh grow up with siblings? Will he not be swayed by the thought of giving your child a companion to grow up with? Is there any argument at all in favour of a second dc that he seems (even slightly) more persuaded by? If so, focus on that line in your discussions.

Butturbur, you are being quite offensive.

The OP has an emotional NEED for a child that she will never get over, and her husband's opinion is simply that he would like to play more golf?

Do fuck off.

The OP might only have one child, but her H has 3. He is being very sensible. Maybe he is worried about already having to support 3 children. Maybe he is worried that if you spilt up, he will have 3 children that he won't see all the time.

The OP has to see that his other children are just as important to him as their child. He hasn't started all over again, he has another 2 to support.

These ridiculous, sexist, outdated ideas that some of you are spouting are awful and revolting. Get pregnant secretly? Refuse to use contraception? Tell him he is being pathetic because apparently, he's only interested in his own leisure time?

Yes it is sad OP, and you can see feelings are strong from both sides. Personally, I think it is unforgivable to not allow a woman to have more than one child. It is a massive massive part of your live that he is controlling, regardless of the fact that he warned you he would contol it before you married him. It's like, he's had his children, but you are robbed of that chance to bring up more than one child. It is not your fault his first marriage ended.

You really need to know his REASONS. Only then can you argue against them. I do still stick to my guns that you should let him take care of contraception. It is awful to place the burden on a woman who is desperate to have a child.

I dunno, these marital dynamics are somewhat weird. The goal posts at the START were wrong and rather controlling, not the fact that OP wants to move them, that's just life.

To the lovely poster who said they were worried about someone like me 'snaring' their son..... how dare you! What if your daughter was told she was only allowed to have 1 child, by a divorcee who had three himself? I am in a completely different situation to the OP, already knowing that i want more than one child and would never ever marry a man who dictated 'just the one'. In fact, id tell them to their face that they were a selfish heartless twat and delete all knowledge of them from my life.

If I had a son like the OP's DH id tell him to stop being a prat and live up to his marital duty. If you can afford it, then do it because you're going to lose you're wife over something so easy to fix and you're already tied down for 20 odd years with a small child with her. Antoher child isn't going to make much difference to that.

AprilSunshine The OP was not told how many children she was "allowed", her future DH told her he only wanted one more, she agreed and then married him. For you obviously, the relationship would not have progressed to marriage, but give the OP some credit for making her own decisions! Having children within a marriage is a rather outdated duty don't you think?

"Another child isn't going to make much difference"??? Are you joking? A whole other person to raise.

Cripes AprilSunshine. Children aren't accessories, they're people.

Your view of children seems to be entirely focused on the mother's gratification in having the children, rather than any consideration of the children themselves. If the OP went and got pregnant again against her DH's clearly expressed and consistent wishes, would life be like for the resulting child? Perhaps the DH would end up loving the child, perhaps he'd always treat it as unwanted and as evidence that his wife neither listens to nor respects his wishes. Great result: unhappy, neurotic child, relationship full of conflict, nobody wins.

This man made it clear before marriage that he didn't want more than one additional child. The OP agreed to this, and is regretting the decision. That's a shit situation to be in. But treating children as some kind of 'right', and men as mere sperm banks with a 'marital duty' to get their wives knocked up so they've got lots of toys to play with is not the solution.

The OP's dh already had 2 children and he has a financial and emotional responsibility to them. It is much more responsible of him to set out what he can cope with, than for him to have many more children with a new partner and then for the children of his previous relationship to be feeling left out and neglected (and how often do we read of that on here!)

My dh and I made a very difficult but deliberate decision not to have a dc in this relationship because the dcs who are already born (in other relationships) had to be taken into consideration too, and it wouldn't have been right for them. Of course it wasn't easy, emotionaly and bologically we would have loved to have a child. But you can get through these things, together.

Sorry, i think duty come from my past

whenever I asked my partner if we could have children he would say 'Don't worry I'll do my duty" . So it was wan't meant in that outdated nonsense religious marital sense.

Of course children aren't accessories, but they are often desperately wanted, and are 'deal breakers'. If this is indeed a deal breaker, I am suggesting that the OP forces her partner's hand, by putting the contraceptive burden onto him and making it clear she wants another. The DH will then understand she is serious and can make decision. He can make himself infertile. That IS fair.

Yeah bonkers20 it is a whole other person, but children are often deal breakers because the very chance of that whole other person is often very important to one partner.

The OP is stuck between a rock and a hard place and I don't think it's her fault. The DH must've known that she'd end up wanting another child. The vast majority of mothers do. The DH should've married someone who hated children, was post-menopausal or a woman with her own children imo. He was being incredibly silly.

You chose to marry a man who already had two children (with all the responsibilities entailed) and was clear that he only wanted one more DC due to his circumstances. You may not have known how it felt to be a mother, but surely could have foreseen that you might have felt this way and wanted more? If you didn't, you should have.

It is sad for you, and there should certainly be further discussion on the issue, maybe your DH will come around, but if he doesn't then I don't think you can blame him given that he has been honest from the start, already has 3 dcs, has experienced caring for babies and toddlers three times, splitting up with the mother of his first two and living apart from those kids.

To suggest that it could be a "deal breaker" is unreasonable IMO. And as other posters have said, if you did leave him, it would be difficult to have another baby with someone else (also selfish IMO).

Appalled by the suggestions on here about trapping him and that women should be "allowed" more than one child.

Not sure who I'm more by - Bonsoir's sexism or April's selfishness.

It's not sexism - you can have too many boys in a family for its own equilibrium just as you can have too many girls.

AprilSunshine said "whenever I asked my partner if we could have children he would say 'Don't worry I'll do my duty"

So, you *asked " your DH, it wasn't a two way discussion?

So her DH should have said "sorry, I can't marry you because even though we've agreed that we'll only have one child, I think you will change your mind".
Boggle.

April I'm just staggered at your outlook on this. This is now the dh's fault! He was being incredibly silly? What about the womans duty to take care of her own life/wants/needs? She wasn't forced to marry a man with two kids but she chose to, even when he made it clear he would only have another one. That responsibility is hers, not his. Why would a dad of two marry someone who hated children?

We have one child and dh has one from his first marriage. I made it clear before we married I would like a child, but would never push for more, given this would be dh's second, and would deal with my own bio urges. We are not animals, we do have control over our fertility and our urges, it's what women fought for over many years.

It's not the ops fault she feels this need, of course it's not, and I have every sympathy. I just cannot for the life of me see how this is the mans fault. She could have married younger, married a man with no kids. She chose to marry a man who has two already and would only want one more. It's a marriage, a partnership, and a womans biological urges don't trump the mans rights to be responsible for another child he doesn't want.

This thread depresses me There are many threads of here where womans marriages break down and it becomes clear that the dh didn't want the second/third child. Why won't women listen?

is your love to have another child more than the love you have for your husband?
i can say easily ,husband over maternal desire.
after our last child was born,he had the snip
i would have loved more children but he did not.
he is a wonderful father but truley did not want anymore.
i chose to live with it .

Oh come on it was a two way thing, bonkers, stop twisting my words, it just became a joke between us, when the situation wasn't right for children at that moment so we had to wait.

Look, Cinnabar, I can just understand the yearning for another child. BOTH partners here are being selfish, for different reasons.

I'm not twisting your words, I quoted exactly what you said. The internet didn't convey that you were joking. I understand that it became a joke between you.

I do not agree that the DH is being selfish. Not one bit.

Perfumed' 'hate' wasn't meant literally and you know it.

Im not arguing anymore, there's no point, it is a sad situation and there's no obvious way out of it. I can understand why so many marriages end. Men and women can yield such tremendous power in a relationship and a situation like this is heart breaking. Any outcome will no doubt breed resentment of the other person and the life that individual is leading.

What is this '1 doesnt make much difference' business. Mayb ehe feels that, unsuprisingly, he doesnt have it in him to raise 4 well rounded, secure and succesful adults! That's 4 sets of uni fees, 4 gap years, 4 sets of braces, 4 lots of extra tutiton at secondary, 4 round sof teenage years complete with 4 lots of ongoing relationship advice and heartbreak to witness... Its not about - just 1 more baby is it!
If he has ideas about the starndard of life he wants for his children, as well as the state of his own sanity after having raised them all, I think he is being quite sensible to not want another.

I know that wonderinn couldnt predict how she would feel, but he did predict how he would feel... and he told her so.

I do however agree that if it is him who doesnt want the children it is him who shuld take care of contraception. it is unforgivable to say he doesnt want her to get pregnant but inflict upon her the endless stupid trips to the doctor to top up on pills etc etc... He needs to get a vasectomy. And will if he has any sense.

Marking my place.
Truly shocked at some of the responses to this but maybe I'm naive.
I have been in a relationship with my DP for 4 years. He has always been upfront about not wanting any more children (he has 2 from a previous marriage). His reasons are good (and logical enough). However I have no children of my own and I want one. We talk about it often and I hope that one day he'll change his mind.
Above all of this, I am still sure that I want to be with him (and do my best to help him raise his children). I don't want anyone else's children. I want his and because of that I can't let this be a dealbreaker. I am in a secure relationship and I am loved and protected by my DP. Surely having a child in a relationship has to be a joint decision?!

I'm horrified by some of the opinions on here. He doesn't want another child, the OP must decide whether she can live with that or not.FWIW My husband and I wanted three children,but we stopped after one because I could not face pregnancy again (I had SPD and HELLP syndrome). If my husband decided he still wanted more children I would totally lose all respect for him, and we would have to divorce. Thankfully, as he loves me and our son so it isn't an issue and we are happy with our only child.

Suggesting that someone get pregnant without their partner's consent is just awful. This happened to my partner, and although he adores his child completely, it ended their marriage. He could never trust her again. So think carefully, to be frank.