For those with a narc mother (long, rambling)

[Odille]

I know I shouldn't expect any different from her. I'm here for a rant and a bit of hand-holding if I'm honest. It'd just be good to hear from others who actually understand what life with a narc mother is like. Also, any tips for support e.g. weblinks or books would be appreciated.

Backstory:
I'm basically middle aged but only realised my mother had narc traits in the past couple of years. I can now see the typical pattern of our relationship through childhood / adolescence / adulthood. I've recently become better at setting boundaries and actually walked out of her home after she said something particularly nasty. I'd done the "if you keep talking about me like that I'm leaving" threat and carried it through.

Anyway, I've just had a fight with her. Probably the first time I've spoken truthfully to her about my feelings if I'm honest (I've a very superficial relationship with her.) Basically, during my recent pg I have tried to have the typical mum/daughter experience that outsiders expect. Several times she has taken things that she knows I want to be kept private and told others. Last year it was a miscarriage, I have told only very close friends who I knew would be supportive, she has told the local gossipy types that ensure everyone knows (i.e. people who don't even know me.) I was very clear afterward and during the subsequent pg that the only message to give out to others is "Odille is fine, the baby is fine, give her a call if you want to chat (i.e. know more.) I was clear that I am private about certain things, that I'm telling her things I don't want spread any further. (I know. Why did I try?) So last week I gave birth and in a fog of morphine mentioned things that I would have normally kept private. And of course it's all out there and in Chinese whispers fashion has become more dramatic than the reality with people calling to hear about my "horrendous birth" - not in a supportive way but in a gossipy way. So, I'm annoyed with myself for mentioning any details, but also told her in no uncertain terms that I can't believe after all the previous conversations that she still won't accept that it's my decision to decide who knows what. She doesn't get it at all, actually said that she knew I'd have told C (my best friend since childhood who also gave birth recently) so it's hardly a secret. When I said that I want to concentrate on the happy event of having a baby rather than dissecting a birth story with random callers who last phoned to hear the gory details about the misc her response was "women like to know these things". She wouldn't accept that just because someone asks for details doesn't mean they have to be given. (She's told enough details that people are calling me to hear the rest.)

So, she's not talking to me (yes!) and I know I'll be painted as The Bad Daughter but as I've worn that crown so often that's fine.

My partner thinks I should just ignore it for a quiet life and behave as though nothing's happened. (That's his style for emotional stuff.) Her style is to not talk about things but seethe silently so she'll not mention it again. (E.g. she could ignore me for months on end as a child if I did the wrong thing, ignoring birthdays etc while she was annoyed and until I worked out what I'd done wrong and was suitably ostracised.)

Anyone else been there?
Thanks for reading.

No, we were always 'ungrateful shits' :(

This is the most helpful and interesting thread. I have posted here a couple of times already.
I feel so sad that we all have such terrible mothers. This thread has really 'hit home'....Thank you mnetters !!
My mother has made me do some awful things. One of which i will not mention. I feel so guilty and sad about it.

Thats how bad i feel....my real name is nicknamed but i still dont feel safe enough to mention it and it was towards my oldest son. She would pressure me, disapprove of me with anger and hatred. My sister and her have ganged up against me as I am the 'thick' , irresponsible "Daft" one and the younger sibling who got used to being bossed and bullied by both people. I am the family scapegoat totally and when my mother physically attacked me at xmas I truly realised so. I couldnt stop sobbing . I was heartbroken.
She punched me in the back and dug her nails into me simply because I stood up for myself and told her i was finally going away the day after on a pre booked ski trip. Even though I had driven her up and down from the hospital every day , stayed over with her when Dad was ill in hospital and went to get him out on his day of discharge.

I have to say my mother is developing Dementia and the Doctor is aware of all this aggressive behaviour, but she has always been a nasty fowl tempered bitch.

After she pushed my dad in the back in Waitrose the other day which my daughter 20yrs and I witnessed I am worried she will push him over one day and he will have a heart attack. He has heart failure. He doesnt deserve all this he is loving and caring , and had it not been for my father I would be a total raving nutcase on drugs !!!

My dc have loads of clothes too, dh thinks I over compensate for not having many as a child myself.

My mother always bitches about other people. My uncle died recently and my cousins have done nothing but look after my aunt (their mother) but everything they are doing and continue to do and right down to the organisation of the funeral has been picked to pieces. In order to save money, my cousins had only organised one black car with the immediate family in it to follow behind the hearse. Both my parents went on and on and on about how ridiculous this was and how a car should have been sent for my mother. My mother was not a blood relative, she was his sister in law! Tbh it was all I could do to keep my temper in check.

Then there is the jealousy of my parents in law. Jeezus I could be here all day. Actually I am getting cross just thinking about it. Possibly because I know they will phone me later today and rather than just leave a message on the answer machine they will ring every 15 minutes until they get me in (I sometimes don't answer as I can't be doing with it).

Bentoutofshape, Thank you from me too.

I have come so far, but broke down last night after not being able to contact dh, and having terrible flashbacks and panics. I have booked some more therapy for myself, starting tomorrow.

I think I pushed myself too fast. Even though I always knew something was wrong, I didn't know what I know now until aout 18 months ago when I got proper therapy for the first time. I have had two lots, for about three months each, so you saying eight years has made me feel that I can stop trying so bloody hard to have "gotten over it" and accept that there is a long way yet to go.

I still can't quite believe that one human being can put quite so much effort into trying to destroy another's life, and that a mother could do what mine has. I just can't get my head around it at all, the planning and execution that took years, and was all quite deliberate.

If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I shall be some kine of steel woman at the end of this.

I have a dress that I got in the sale, it's a size ten. My goldenchild sister looked at me and asked what size it was, I told her, she laughed and said, don't be ridiculous, it's at least a fourteen.

WHY????????

I felt the need to take the dress off to show her the label. Which is just stupid. I could list hundreds of these examples.....the "oh, you're not wearing that are you?" which sounds like nothing, but the tone of voice just wipes you out, Oh shit, I must look awful, people will laugh at me, all that stuff goes through your head, whic of course is exactly what it is designed to do.

I know every case is different but,
Is it right to carry on being there for a your mother ? Mine is aged 79yrs
I want to as my father is still alive (aged 82yrs) and he is a good man.
We have his birthday in two weekend time and we want to all have a meal together but I dread any explosions from my mother. I am gong to bite my tongue ,,, but NOT turn my back on her if she is in a horrible mood.

If she does it again do I put her head to the floor first or just create as much space between me and her as possible ..
Lets face it, at times if you dont laugh sometimes about it you will cry.... I do.
These kinds of mothers can make us very synical...

My sister (golden child) went to Oxford and has a top degree in modern languages.. I have non of that...

My mother is an intellectual snob, so I am a 'nothing' to her.

It's such a relief to read these posts, painful and dreadful as they are.

I am in the middle of a journey to become myself and shake off my mother's influence. This really helps, thanks all.

Hi Mizzywizzydizzy,

re your comment:-

"I'm curious...
...if anyone is lurking (as I often do!) or has posted but reached the end of their journey....how do you know when you are 'finished'??
How do you feel about the 'difficult' people?
Do they still make you react?
Do you still feel angry/hurt/upset about your past?
Do you still 'hanker' for the mother/sister/brother/father/friend that you wished they'd be?

How will I know when I am 'done'?

Its been a long process for me. I know I am done with regards to my BIL and to a lesser extent my inlaws. I feel basically nothing for these people particularly my BIL and I am done with them. The one I feel the most for in all that dysfunction is my dear husband because they have let him down abjectedly.

They made the terrible choice not to love, I did not make them this way. In my FIL's case from what I can gather, his own childhood was pretty much screwed up from the get go.

well thats it...if they have had no parenting themselves then they are crap parents.

Hi Attilla

It's such a relief just knowing that someone somewhere is 'done' with it all. That peace of mind can be achieved. Thank you. x

My parents also had crappy parents themselves too. I think that combined with their 'era' is a bad combination...hopefully now times have changed and we have facilities such as forums and the internet for info' gathering...our era can be wiser and break the chain.

HavingAMaybe: exactly - watchfulness isn't the highest priority in that situation as much as sleep. I think that's what I was trying to (badly) say with the "be your own parent" thing. In that situation, I'd say what you need is a way to step back, get some rest and with it some perspective.

Plus lots of chocolate helps

It's so interesting that so many of us have "similar" mothers. Do you think it's a generational thing? Did their upbringings create them? If so, is there any hope for us??!!

I'm hopefully starting my own family in the next year or so and I am already paranoid (if that's the right word) that I won't be able to help being just like my mother. It scares me stupid and makes me want to not have kids at all if there is any risk of them having to go through what I did. Yet at the same time I desparately want children of my own so I can "undo" the damage by being a better mother than my mother was to me IYSWIM. How do those of you with children cope with these feelings? Does it heal you at all to have a child? Or does it make the wounds more raw?

I have worked as a Nanny for 15 years this year (where the hell has the time gone??!!!!) and I have devoted so much love and energy and commitment to all my charges, so I have had a glimpse of the challenges ahead and I know that I will feel way more intensely about my own child. I guess I am having a wobble as I can see history repeating itself a bit with a sibling and their kids.

I think for me I have done so much to parent the complete opposite to my Mother. I cuddle, kiss and praise them all the time. I tell them I have no favourites and I love them all the same. When I get cross with them or naughty corner them, I always tell them why and tell them I still love them even when they are naughty. I overcompensate loads (DH tells me off) loads of clothes and toys, I love buying them things.

sweetkitty I don't have a sister, but your mum sounds exactly like mine. She is always going on about

"Apparently everything is my fault because I was a know it all madam as a child, too independent, made her feel she was beneath me, made her feel useless as a mother compared to goldenchild brother who was "slow" and needed her."

Someone else said earlier about that feeling that your own mum isn't actually as bad as all the others on the thread, and feeling guilty, when actually she was just as bad. When I've tried to get through to her I get the "poor me" routine (oh everything was my fault) that my brother calls "her just eating worms" mode.

I was really worried about repeating the pattern when I had my children, and was very conscious of it. My grandma was a wonderful grandma but I assume the same sort of mother as mine, from what's been said. I had a girl, then a boy, just like both of them. I was so desperate not to repeat that I had a 3rd child. With hindsight my life was so bad at that point (I have my old diaries :( ) that I obviously wasn't of sound mind. I really couldn't cope with 3 children and did sadly take it out on my eldest.

I knew I was damaging her- I could hear myself and not stop. I went for counselling, and I went back to work and let DH look after her. Then we stupidly had another child, who became the precious loved boy I'd tried so hard to avoid. DD is grown up now and we aren't close. She left home at 17 :( She is very like me in temperament and likes and dislikes, but unlike me she is popular amongst her peers and has many close friends. She is also a very confident young woman and not afraid to do what she wants, rather than what is expected of her, so we must have done something right.

Wrinklyraisin _ I was a nanny before i had kids like you and my children are now 10yrs, 20 and 23 yrs...and sometimes you can hear yourself sounding like your mother, which is horrible to hear. I ofen make a concerted effort not to be like my mother. When I am stressed with my own children I can get like my mother... and then you kick yourself.

What I have made different is my love for my children and my affection, and letting them know that no matter what they have done I will always love them, and care for them.
Also I have tried very hard to raise my childrens self esteem, (which my mother didnt) and to tell them that they are good/great/tried hard/ well done/am so pleased with them, etc. My self esteem has always been fairly low and in the past I have even been so down emotionally that I have thought I deserved nothing more than a partner treating me badly, to the point of domestic violence !
It has taken me a 23 yrs or more to realise I am worth more and now have a kind caring partner who treats me nicely with respect.