The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Spring Into Summer.

[Mouseface]

Hello

Welcome to The Brave Babes Battle Bus.

This is a quest full of Babes, all fighting to remain sober, cut down or are somewhere in between right now.

You ticket to travel is free, it won't expire, and the Bus will always be here, even if there are days when you are not. So come say hi.

I'm Mouse. I have a thing for cheese and vodka, not together, well, not always!

Here is a LINK to the last thread, where you can read all of the previous threads and the journeys so far.

And my dh is out tonight too! So I am going to make sure that there is nothing around that I would feel tempted to drink, I'm going to buy a bottle of elderflower fizz and put it in the fridge, I'm going to buy some strawberries to eat with it and put them in the fridge, I've arranged to speak to a friend in Ireland on the phone, and I'm going to come on here and chat to anyone who is around. Tonight I won't be drinking.

I'm off work sick today, and it's not due to drinking !
Good luck to all those who will find tonight a struggle. I'll no doubt be around. I might not be much help but I can certainly try.

I am proud to announce that for the first time in the last few years I have not had a single glass of red wine this week - a whole 7 evenings without a drop touching my lips :) I did, however, have 4 vodkas on Friday night

Can I be the first to congratulate you.Lets just forget the vodka

Thanks Thornrose, for the last 6-7 years have drank a minimum of 6 bottles of red wine a week

Wow, everyone's doing so well, and under so much pressure too. The thing that is soooo difficult to remember when you're feeling like everything is awful is that drinking will not solve the problems outside of the drinking If that makes sense! I'm on day 4 and feel ok, very down about the job, money, mother0driving-me-bonkers things. Basically, she's 81, she has a 'boyfriend' of 84 who lives next door - he is becoming increasingly dependant on her and she's not coping. BUT she refuses to get help, just drives us to distraction with her despair. It just got to a head yesterday and i was really concerned. Anyway, darling dh called Age concern and we are going to get someone round to offer some help. It's just a nightmare...Still, I stayed sober throughout it all, so that's a positive - I did, accidentally, when telling her we had called Age Uk, say 'mum, we called AA' . That was a slip and a half! Hope everyone has a good day - I'm off swimming soon - this daily 20 lengths is at least giving me some focus and making me feel well too!

obrigada, me too. A bottle a night, every night, but for me red or white would do. Then I started to have a second bottle in, just in case! So my consumption went up to 1 and 1/2 bottles a night. Then I started panicking.
Strangely I am only addicted to wine. I have whisky and brandy in the house and would NEVER touch it. Weird.
I haven't had a drink for 12 days, I am so bloody excited.

Hello Babes.

venus - your post moved me to tears. It all suddenly became so clear again. I'm slipping but this time, I dodn't care. Not until I read it in black and white anyway.

I guess I got to the CBA frame of mind where I think this is my one vice, this is the one thing I can have, I can do to relax and unwind. This is my time.

But it's not is it? I still have to get up and see to Nemo and be there for DD. I have to function the same as always, hungover or not. So why do I do it? The world doesn't stop because I'm pissed or hungover.

FFS. It's like being in a box where the walls close in some days, the only way to stop the walls is to fall asleep for a while, just an hour, just an hour of bloody sleep, an hour of rest so the pain eases.

I want Nemo to sleep so that I can. I want him to not be sick today, but alas, we are house bound as he's on 'little and often' and DD is off scholl ill.

venus - I love you so very much, I know that deep in your heart you really care about me, and are worried and only want me to be happy etc..... I'm just not sure I can stop all together right now. Mainly because I don't want to.

Petulant child that I am, but not towards you. I'm happy to rein it in. I know I need to do that because of the cocktails of meds I'm on! Stupid Mouse, playing with fire.

I do want to cut down. This last week and weekend has been mad. Far too much to drink. Far too much at risk. Ny head is so scrambled. I just want to switch my head off. I want to sleep, even now I want to sleep.

Sorry to go on and on about sleep, it's just that sleep is my trigger, as is the pain.

Thank you venus, for being you. xx

lovecorrie it's only when you stop drinking for a bit that you realise everything looks and feels exactly the same without a drink!
It really does nothing to help, I am starting to really believe that.

IsinDe - again, tears reading your poem. I'm going to print it out if that's okay. Thank you so much for your kind words. You are a very talented lady xx

luci - thank you xx Last night was the same as always and now we are playing a waiting game to see where we can hold of something to make him sleep. How much more of this I can take, I'm not sure.

I asked for help at breaking point only to be told it's not going to happen anytime soon and we'll have to jump through hoops to prove Nemo needs help sleeping.

Why do I bother. Maybe I should just crumble so that someone acts.

obrigada - well done on staying away from the red wine. Evil stuff. xx

Mouse, I wish I could say something to help you, but I wouldn't know where to start . I'm so glad there are people on here that make you feel a bit better, and loved.

Are you trying to get Melatonin for Nemo?
If so, it is crazy that you have to "jump through hoops".

for you Mouse, just want you to know that I am thinking of you and really wishing there was something I could do for you.

Mich

Hello.

Just wanted to share some experience and see if you can relate to it.

I drank a lot at home but, right till the end, was also a pub drinker.

When I made a committed effort to stop, I actually had to learn that there is not an electromagnet in pubs that they switch on when I go past. It sounds silly now, but that's really how I felt.

The craving to drink tonight - or any other night, or any morning even - may be immensely strong. It is a powerful mental compulsion.

BUT it won't come true unless you act on it.

If you do not walk on your own two feet to where the alcohol is, extend your hand to take it, bend your elbow and open your mouth, the alcohol will not enter your body and you CANNOT get drunk.

Obviously, this sounds simple.

That's because it is. Not easy - the mind is very powerful and will play all sorts of tricks on you - but simple.

So, just for tonight, focus on the physical. Make sure you have no drink in the house. If you can't throw it away, put it in the garage or the garden, somewhere cold.

Then put your dressing gown on and take your shoes off.

Then make plenty of tea or buy plenty of Coke to occupy your mouth, and get a good book, two knitting needles or even 20 fags and a film to occupy your hands and your conscious mind.

Then give into every craving except drink. You want a cream cake? Have a cream cake. You want another coffee? Have another coffee. You want a drink? Pick up your knitting or sit on your hands and think hard about the last time you got drunk.

IF YOU DON'T PICK UP A DRINK YOU CANNOT GET DRUNK.

Most important of all, worry about today today and tomorrow tomorrow. Who knows if you - or, indeed, I - will drink tomorrow? No one. But decide that today is going to be drink-free and then focus on making that a physical reality.

thorn - yes. GP can't prescribe it as it's not licensed for children on the NHS. We now have to find someone who will give it him and may have to 'prove' the situation by being reffered to a sleep clinic. Not sure where to start now and his nurse is on leave....

Tick, tock, tick, tock........

I understand, mouse, I understand, and I do care. It's a dangersous game we all play when we play with fire - going to the brink, and sometimes not even knowing whether we want to stop ourselves from toppling over.

I'm not asking you to stop. I know you don't want to. I'm just asking you to think about taking a couple of steps back from the edge. Then when you've had a little bit of rest, take another couple of steps back, and then another. Until you can relax and rest properly, away from the dangerous edge, and without the need of a drink.

Love you, little mouse x

My GP said that some Melatonin is licensed and gave me a prescription, I think it was something to do with the doseage?
My dd is 11 and has AS so I know it's a completely different situation to yours. My consultant prescribed it initially and gave me a letter to give to any GP's who are reluctant to prescribe.

venus - I know, the edge is too close right now so I'm going to take on board everything that you said, and act on it.

Thank you xx

thorn - I think it's his age/dose issue. He also needs the liquid so I can give it him down his tube. It's just that every which way I trun to get help seems to be a giant wall blocking my way.

That's tiring in itself! I need to make some calls today and track down someone who will help me. I'm not waiting for people to come back from hols/mat leave/time off etc anymore.

This little Mouse is going to roar!
This little Mouse will take no more
This little Mouse has reached the end
This little Mouse will go round the bend
This little Mouse is tired and low
But this little Mouse will not let go

This little Mouse is loving and giving
This little Mouse works hard for a living
This little Mouse will take no more shite
This little Mouse WILL sleep at night
This little Mouse has far to go
But this little Mouse will not let go.

Good luck mouse.

Mouse, I think when i first came on here I said that I knew you from other threads and you were always so wise and calm and grounded. I still think all of those things, but I never knew there was so much work and pressure in your life - it makes your grace the more astounding.

Of course you feel like you're everything to everyone and it never stops and there's no respite. Those things are true. And of course you feel that having to be 'good' and sober is just another thing, why can't you even have a drink like other people, with all you have to go through don't you even deserve that?

But, of course, what you deserve is to wake up each morning with a clear head and the energy to get through the day. The ability to then make the right choices during the day - when I was drinking, even a mild hangover meant bad food choices during the day, salty and carby and greasy, which would keep me feeling sluggish and heavy longer than I needed to be. Or I'd spend my one free hour on the internet instead of out in the fresh air because the sunshine was too bright. Etc. A million times, in a million ways, the night before's drinking meant a day of bad choices.

You deserve days of sunshine and energy and health, my love. Not because you can't stop, or because Nemo or DD need you, although they do, but because you need you.

mouse what a nightmare you're going through . I have a child with very minor special needs and I worry about her every single day. It's nothing like your struggles with nemo, but I am on tenterhooks constantly and it's very draining. I know that my drinking got worse again after she was born, having managed to just about hold it together for a couple of years - I blamed myself and I sought refuge in the bottle. That's not the answer though is it? Even after a few days (let only months, which I have managed!) I can see so much more clearly and can look for the best solutions for her which is impossible when fugged up with drink, which as we are all constantly told is a depressant. It doesn't make anything better! Having said that, i have no idea if i will never drink again - I expect i will (going on holiday with mother and the boyfriend in a week and a half and it will be my birthday so we'll see....!! ) Anyway, just wanted to say keep on trucking and all the best.

What a beautiful post Tortoise, echo every word you said to Mouse

I heart your post to me, thank you so much Tortoise

I remember when you first posted here, I was really pleased to see a familiar face from other threads. Funny how we can make each other feels so safe, welcomed and loved.

The support here blows me away. It's unconditional, it really is. I really appreciate all of your help Babes. I wish you could all come and meet Nemo.

When he's old enough, I'll tell him about you all. All of you wonderful Babes. Now I tell him about a magical Bus called Gerald that travels far and wide, picking up passengers and taking them to special places, safe places, and about the stops Gerald makes on the way.

He lies there and listens, as if he knows what I am saying to him.

I wonder if venus will write a book one day, about us all? The Brave Babes Battle Bus - To Sobriety And Beyond!!

Hey mouseling just adding my support.
DD2 has just found an au pair family and I wondered if that could be an option for you? could you have a "au pair" for nemo? obviously someone experienced and you don't have to necessarily have them livein or even full time. We had an aupair once for the after school of DS and he (yes, HE [grin[)also did dinner and a bit of tidying up.He got pocket money and English lessons and went home in the evenings. An au pair could even sit with nemo while you slept, once he had got used to her, and do housework a bit to give you time with DD.
Please, please take care of yourself. We all know how hard it is to stop drinking when deep down you still want to - just space it out a little, slow down, spritzers etc. Thinking of you dearest!

Ma - thank you. The plan is to get a respite worker (hopefully, funding allowing) to come in and do that, build up a relationship with him, play woth his toys, in his house and with me here.

Then over time, that person will care for him alone for a half hour, an hour etc....

Failing that, there's a boarding school down the road, top notch by all accounts.

Seriously, you Babes are the best. xx