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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

help and support needed please

138 replies

annieatnofour · 08/05/2011 20:55

Evening ladies,
I could do with off loading here. Been married 18 years in Oct, together for 20 and hubby left last Sunday.
Four years ago i found out that he had been involved with an ow - although it was only emotional.
Upon investigation i found that he had been using chat rooms on swingers sites and was messaging lots of women, although the ow was his main one.

He left the family home and came back 4 weeks later, we went to counselling and work through most of our problems.
I still found it very hard to trust him again. and over the course of the 4 years have found him on the chat rooms again.

Last week i found him again and threw him out - he came back in the morning, but over the course of the week things got worse until on Sunday I found another phone hidden in a bag in the car.

I dont really want him back - life with him is pretty chaotic at the best of times, but i feel really down, scared for the future, worried re money etc.

Any support welcome x

OP posts:
Adversecamber · 08/05/2011 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
annieatnofour · 08/05/2011 21:13

Thanks for your message.

Yes i agree its an addiction, and logically i know this is about him and not me, but i just feel so down about it all.

We have been arguing alot ( well i shout and he ignores me) and i know he was fed up with this. And i think in his head that is the reason we have split up.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 08/05/2011 21:18

It's understandable to feel down your whole world has come crushing down, the problems you thought you were overcoming have never been overcome.

It will be hard initially as there will be a lot to sort out, but you can be strong if you really try.

You done the right thing kicking him out, he deserves no less.

Book yourself an appointment to see a solicitor on a free consultation and find out what your options are and where you go from here.

Original poster
annieatnofour · 08/05/2011 21:28

thanks Fabby

Although to be honest i think he would have moved out of his own accord, was saying that he didnt think he loved me etc etc. Thats when i started to look for another phone.

I just feel so cheated after taking him back and giving him second chances.

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freeandhappy · 08/05/2011 23:15

its such a horrible way to be treated and when it goes on so long you forget what its like to live any other way. but this is your one and only life and at the moment the person who should be loving you and treating you tenderly and with understanding is ignoring your needs, and i'm not talking about your husband i'm talking about you.. put yourself first for a change. get some counselling if possible and try to disengage.. you can do it and life will be so much better and happier. its the deepest betrayal. dont put up with it. he doesnt love you. that is not love. have you children?

tallwivglasses · 09/05/2011 00:26

annie. waste no more time, effort or energy on this excuse for a man.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 09/05/2011 00:31

Never mind about him, concentrate on you and the children. He will be legally obliged to pay you something towards their care, and you may get benefits as well. Have a look on the Entitled To website, and see a solicitor - most iwll give you a free half-hour initial consultation. IF your home is in joint names, for instance, you can't just change the locks and throw him out if he decides he wants to continue living there (unless he is violent in which case he can be forcibly removed).

AnyFucker · 09/05/2011 00:35

you gave him a chance (chances ?)

he blew it

you deserve no guilt nor self-recriminations...they are for him (except he probably won't go there...)

don't blame yourself...just resolve to waste no more time on this man who has proved himself to be an emotional howling black hole

think of him as a money pit...you wouldn't invest any more in something that was never going to be worth your investment, would you ?

Original poster
annieatnofour · 09/05/2011 07:21

Thanks for your messages,

Yes we have children, eldest will be 19 in Oct and about to start her leaving cert in four weeks (living in ireland) he has great timing!

We rent at present - although we will have to move to something smaller as he is insisting that he will get a 2 bedroom house for him to rent - the money just wont go round!

Started to pack up his stuff - at least trying to make the house my own again.

Our lifes are very entwined = live in a small town and would have lots of couples as friends.

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Original poster
annieatnofour · 09/05/2011 08:00

I really feel like i have failed! god knows why........

I hate the fact that he is telling people that we have just come to the end of the line - as if i wasnt up to the job. When in truth i could have been superwife and he would have still done what he did.

Why do i feel a failure??

OP posts:
freeandhappy · 09/05/2011 08:19

Because he has been making you feel a failure. You'll feel way better when he's gone and you'll be surprised but will respect you more. Probably everybody knows he's a dick. Good luck to you x

Original poster
annieatnofour · 09/05/2011 08:33

Thanks freeandhappy

I just keep feeling panic .. not sure why .. its not as if he did alot to contribute to the family tbh.

He has managed to disengage from me ( well gives off that impression) and iam cross that i havnt managed to yet!

OP posts:
Original poster
annieatnofour · 09/05/2011 18:00

evening,

I came home today to find a letter from a debt agency for 9,000euros which i did not know about.

I knew he had huge debts which he was ignoring, and i then got in touch with the creditors and sorted a repayment plan for him. But this is a new one to me.

I have written to the agency giving them his mothers address. It has made me realise what little he has to offer me. This was a good thing, feel much better today

OP posts:
Original poster
annieatnofour · 09/05/2011 20:25

have posted this on money as well, but does anyone know if iam liable for this debt?
It is all in his name and i have not signed anything - am in ireland

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AnyFucker · 09/05/2011 21:21

I don't think so if unsecured and in just his name...but if it is secured on joint assets (eg. a house) then those assets may have to be sold to pay it

speak to Citizens Advice Bureau...do they have those (or similar) in Ireland ?

Original poster
annieatnofour · 10/05/2011 07:43

Thanks anyfucker,

No its unsecured and in his name so i think iam safe ...

As i have said before life with him is fairly chaotic and the debts are just one symptom of this.

He really has times when he doesnt know himself whats is the truth or what is fiction. And that is exhausting to live with.

He still maintains that he wasnt messaging anyone on that phone - but when i found it he physically fought me for it, so logic tells you that there had to be something on it.

I hate mornings still, and i feel wobbley this morning.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/05/2011 07:54

aww, look after yourself x

Wisedupwoman · 10/05/2011 14:31

Hello Annie

Just want to say sorry this has happened.

But you really are going to be better off without him you know -better than you can imagine now, but you will.

Try not to focus too much on what he appears to be doing and feeling and concentrate on you, making sure you look after yourself and take each day as it comes to begin with. You've been together a long time and it takes time before things begin to settle, but they do.

Get your story out there with people who will support you - I did and I've been amazed and comforted by their responses to me, and also I found out that people were not remotely surprised by my STBXH's behaviours and nor were they remotely believing of his version. That helped alot, and it will help you.

Don't blame yourself - you tried to keep your marriage together but you were fighting a losing battle - that only says you are a strong and determined woman who wouldn't give up whereas he could never match you.

You will get lots of support here so keep posting. Smile

Original poster
annieatnofour · 10/05/2011 20:57

thank you,

Think i have got to the angry stage today, and i feel much more determined.

Have been telling all my friends and have been amazed by the support i have got, and again iam not sure anyone is really suprised.

Thank you for all your posts, the support is really welcome

OP posts:
Original poster
annieatnofour · 12/05/2011 22:12

Well another day done!

Had both the kids school on the phone yesterday and both are going to have sessions with the school counsellors, which is a good thing. But also makes me mad with him for putting them through this.

Another letter today for 33 grand of debt, although this one i knew about and i had sorted a payment plan for it (although its totally in his name) and he hasnt payed it for the last couple of weeks so they are threatening to send someome round, so sent off again with his mothers address.

He will be paying this lot off till his old and grey!
Kids went with him today to see his parents, having the house to myself was a change.

I have literally spent half my life with this man - strange to think it wont be forever.

OP posts:
Thomas1969 · 14/05/2011 06:40

Hi Annie. How about taking a break. It doesn't have to b an expensive thing but a complete change of scenery might give you a little more distance.

Thomas1969 · 14/05/2011 06:46

Whoever said 'think of him as a money pit' is spot-on. He has broken your trust and thats no small thing. You must protect yourself and your kids. The guilt is his so lift your head up and take control.

freeandhappy · 14/05/2011 10:02

Hi Annie. Hope you have a nice weekend. Can you get some counselling? You have been living with a liar and a cheat and you will need lots of time and support to get back to normal. But you will! And it's so much nicer living life without having your mind bent day in day out. Just dont listen to him. He's a liar and doesn't deserve airtime. Look after yourself. Good luck x

Original poster
annieatnofour · 14/05/2011 11:57

Morning Ladies,

Thanks for all the replies. Feeling slightly brighter this am.
Both kids are accessing counselling from their schools, and i have a number to ring for myself.

You know you are right about living with a liar and a cheat - he lies just about everything, even silly small things. Its exhausting to be honest, wading through bullshit to find out the truth.

A friend bought me a session with a healer/card reader - have never been to anything like this before , but thought i would give it a whirl.
Well she was spot on about H - quite spooky.

have a good weekend all
x

OP posts:
Original poster
annieatnofour · 14/05/2011 20:00

Well he has really upset our son today.

He didnt text or ring yesterday at all - but only text today to ask him to do some job for him.

My son took me to one side to tel me he was upset - and now i want to rip off his head.

He knows both the kids are having counselling - but has yet to really chat to them about it.

talk about sticking you head in the sand.

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