help and support needed please

[annieatnofour]

Evening ladies,
I could do with off loading here. Been married 18 years in Oct, together for 20 and hubby left last Sunday.
Four years ago i found out that he had been involved with an ow - although it was only emotional.
Upon investigation i found that he had been using chat rooms on swingers sites and was messaging lots of women, although the ow was his main one.

He left the family home and came back 4 weeks later, we went to counselling and work through most of our problems.
I still found it very hard to trust him again. and over the course of the 4 years have found him on the chat rooms again.

Last week i found him again and threw him out - he came back in the morning, but over the course of the week things got worse until on Sunday I found another phone hidden in a bag in the car.

I dont really want him back - life with him is pretty chaotic at the best of times, but i feel really down, scared for the future, worried re money etc.

Any support welcome x

Morning!

Well its two weeks today that he left, amazing how quickly its gone.

He did eventually get in touch with our son, but really his lack of interest is not good enough. You try to explain to the kids that hes left me and not them, and yet at the same time he is a constant disappointment to them.

Still they are secure and happy home here with me and he will reap what he sows.

The support i have been getting from friends has been fantastic, as i have said before we live in a small town and i was worried about our joint friends, but no need to worry there. As soon as people have heard how he has behaved towards me and the kids they have given me their support.

Makes me feel very lucky
x

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - god i hate him

Me again!

Well we are now 5 weeks into it, and i cant believe how quickly the time has gone.

He has now moved into a rented house - which means hes paying me less, but i have managed to get a solicitor who will take legal aid so hopefully that will be sorted soon.

Am seeing a counsellor which is helping. He is still very off and on with the kids and the eldest is really not bothered about seeing him.

The kids have informed me that he is now using messenger to message women he meets on these sites now (which is what he did last time - had a whole list of them , all with sexualised names, which our 9 year old found) but iam still trying to get it through my head that this is not my fault.

I mean why would he be still doing it now in his own house if its me .... but still feel like i have failed..

can anyone help?

It never was your fault, how could it have been? A man who wasn't getting enough support at home might stray in search of comfort, but he's sowing wild oats around with both hands like they were going out of fashion in a way that many a single man would blush to do. Basically he's just a dirty sleaze-bag who is doing this because he can. Am appalled that he is leaving the evidence around for children to find.

Thanks for your reply

Well hes not sowing his oats really. only in his head and on the pc!!

Still cant help thinking hes doing this because i was lacking in something......

can i ask, is this all the signs of having a sexual addiction?
Have been doing loads of reading on this subject, and it would seem thats what iam dealing with.

Just wondered whether having the yahoo messenger with all the women on was sexual or emotional?

thanks
annie

Bump - can any one help?

Today my MIL has been round - first time i have seen her since it happened.

Sort of skirted over the issues - i told her that iam exhausted and she told me that she felt my H had looked exhausted for the last couple of years.
I came away feeling rottern, like i was to blame - she made me doubt myself again.

feeling really low this evening - someone tell me it gets better x

Hi-a big hug to you. Please go to counselling-this is not your fault and you will i hope find out why you think it's your fault. Sounds like he has a serious addiction and your MIL is making excuses/covering for him. Is the debt due to a gambling addiction or is it buying things? Chat rooms is yet another form of addiction to make him feel better. Why he doesn't feel good is not at all down to you, but it is down to you to pull youself out of this hole. Only you can do that and it cant get any worse only better.

Thanks for the message

Feeling a bit brighter today - have posted everything off to legal aid so hopefully that will come through and i can get my solicitors on the case
x

that's great to hear, have a good weekend. Think of each day rather than worry ahead of things that might not happen. If you dont do any physical activity may I recommend walking to help give you a lift,

BT

I suppose one way to look at it is you'd have never known what would have happened if you hadn't taken him back. As it is you gave it your best shot, you did everything you could to make things work and I bet your kids respect you for that.

The fact that he's still behaving like a prize saddo would indicate that you have no responsibility for that. Once a sleaze...

I think there's enough threads on here to show that one day you will be so glad that you're free of him. I haven't seen anyone yet post 'I threw DH out for being a cheating sleazebag but I wish he was still here to continue making me miserable'

Thanks for replying tall,#

met with his father yesterday- who is a recovering alcoholic - and had a great chat with him.
He realises that H has a problem and has been trying to get in touch with him, but having no luck.

He is still not contacting the kids on a daily basis - i think he is just sitting in his house texting/webcaming/messenging women!
It seems to have taken over his life

meant to say thank you for all your support ladies - it really helps, writing it down here.

Am loving talls comment " i threw DH out for being a cheating sleezbag but i wish he was still here to continue making me miserable"
I keep repeating it to myself
x

Èvening all

Well iam starting to more human day by day. But every now and then something sets you back.

Today it was the realisation that H was lying about what he was doing saturday night as he was trying to get out of having our son for the night.

I know he is proberly meeting one of the "ladies" of the internet - and in 1 sense i feel sorry for him - but still feel a bit sick about it all.

Its Wednesday and i have still not had my matienance yet this week from him - its getting later and later every week.

Hi Annie - I've been single now for five months and have found that things have been really up and down emotionally. Some days I feel great, happy and free and in control, and others I feel overwhelmed by the sheer slog of doing everything on my own as well as trying to get ex out of my life. He was a habitual liar, shocking with money, a cheat, obsessed with messaging and texting laydees etc so I can understand a bit of what you are going through. But hold on to the thought that you are so much better off without him - it's true. I wouldn't have mine back for all the money in the world and neither would the children.

Can you put your maintenance on a formal basis? He doesn't sound like the sort to be trusted with a voluntary agreement. Sorry, don't know how it all works in NI.

Hi western wind

Thanks for your reply

Are we seperated from the same man?

Having a shit time tonight - hate weekends.

Hi Annie & Western, going through similar myself & hope you guys are ok. My thread is ' should I stay in this marriage' I just keep telling myself I'm going to get through this no matter what. I have two kids who depend on me so have to for them. Keep posting, it alls helps x

sorry to hear there is another one of us BWO

maybe we can all support each other - will go and read your thread now.
Hope you are ok x

Hi again Annie, have replied to your last post on my thread. Thanks for the support. Will keep posting. Its such a horrible position to be in & can't believe that some-one who is supposed to love & cherish you, can be a total stranger. I just don't know this man anymore. Anyway, hope you're doing ok & having a good w/e x

Think iam about to go off and my first car ...........

I cant tell you how excited iam!

have a good day all
a x

arrrggggghhhhhhh

Just found out i was right about h lying about working tonight - son has found out that he finished work at 2, which means that hes up to no good with one of the ladies from the net.

So someone else is getting the chipolata treatment - the sex was almost bad so dont know why it bothers me

Right ladies - really need help here now please,
all opionions appreciated.
My nearly 14 year old son is still in bed and refuses to get up and do the dishwasher from last night ( it is his one and only job in the house) and i have also asked him to have a shower.
His dad is due to collect him at some point (although H hasnt told me a time) and i been trying to get son up for over a hour, explaining to him that his dad is due to come and the jobs need doing before hand.

Do i stop him going to his dads - i feel i need to put my foot down as son does this every time he is due to go - saying you cant stop me seeing my dad

Help plse?

Hi Annie

Could your son be depressed? Does he want to go to his dads? It is probably a very confusing time for all of you...
Could you go up and have a chat with him? Your husband has behaved appallingly, but I think it is very important you and your children are ok and grow closer through this time.

As for your ex-mil very convenient for her to blame you, but she will find out soon enough what he is like when the debt collectors come to her door...

I think you are being amazingly strong.