help and support needed please

[annieatnofour]

Evening ladies,
I could do with off loading here. Been married 18 years in Oct, together for 20 and hubby left last Sunday.
Four years ago i found out that he had been involved with an ow - although it was only emotional.
Upon investigation i found that he had been using chat rooms on swingers sites and was messaging lots of women, although the ow was his main one.

He left the family home and came back 4 weeks later, we went to counselling and work through most of our problems.
I still found it very hard to trust him again. and over the course of the 4 years have found him on the chat rooms again.

Last week i found him again and threw him out - he came back in the morning, but over the course of the week things got worse until on Sunday I found another phone hidden in a bag in the car.

I dont really want him back - life with him is pretty chaotic at the best of times, but i feel really down, scared for the future, worried re money etc.

Any support welcome x

Thanks for the reply

Well i put H off for a couple of hours and son has finally pulled out his finger - he is in the shower now.

Thanks for the support guys - cant tell how much it means to me to be able to offload here.

Oh forgot to say -bought my first car yesterday, iam sooooooo excited!

Well ladies

Got my legal aid approved - although it will be a while before i can see someone , but it means iam approved and H cant apply for legal aid now as in ireland only one of us can have it.

Going in today to the credit union to sort out daughters loan for college - so please good vibes and fingers etc crossed for that for me please.

All house hold bills are now in my name

Sorting out the insurance for the car.

Kids were with H yesterday for a total of 5 hours - thats the time hes had them all week - you would think he lived 100s of miles away not 3!

Oh well

Hope every one is ok
annie
x

evening ladies

feeling vey wobbley this evening and could do with some reassurance and support.

Why does it sometimes feel that i have done the wrong thing?

tummy churning and feeling sick

hi annie ((((((((hugs))))))
becaus eit is unfamiliar territory and you are on your own without the familiarity of being with your husband.
i haev been in a similar situation to you, i left dd's father nearly 4 years ago now and though i am now in lvely new relationship, i used his horrible behaviour to reinforce my original decision to leave.

it may feel this way for a while (it hasn'tr been that long really has it?) but it will get easier and you will start to feel better

and you have not done th wrong thing, you have made the best decision for you and your dc

and for waht it's worth i owuldn't let you stxmil in the house anymore if she can't keep civil tonuge in her head (((((hugs)))))

stargazer,

Thanks for your reply and support.
x

Hi Annie, you feel sick because you are in some kind of shock. It must be like being in a car crash - you are driving along (although it may be over some dodgy roads and hairpin bends) and then over it goes. You don't know where you'll end up. You don't know who will survive. It must be terrible for you, that's why you're sick. You have probably living off adrenalin for a few years to cope with what must be a confusing and stressful situation and now that's all gone. You've done the important bits - covered yourself with legal aid and got support for the kids - and now you can stop - and that's when the shock gets to you. I think your story is amazing, you haven't run off, you haven't hidden behind anyone, you've kept it together. Now it's time to have that break and let off some steam.

Your husband obviously has a problem, try not to worry about him. He may hit rock bottom at some point but I'm sure he'll come back up, and if he doesn't you know you've done everything you could to support him DESPITE his lying, cheating and inexcusably self-indulgent behaviour. Listen to some Dolly Parton and have a good cry / or laugh depending on the song!

you're welcome annie xx

Hi Barbie

Your post was so spot on - it made me shed a few tears. The chaos of living with him has all gone.

Thanks for the post
xx

Music - always does it for me. Find your song and sing it loud!

can i suggest 'i will survive' at the top of your voice

Ahh you have never heard my sing!!! might scare a few local cats!!!

tough on the cats then!!

if it makes you feel good, then bloody well SING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ahh you lot are the best!!! xxx

we've been in the same situation and knwo how it feels ((((hugs))))

i'm off to bed now, take care annie. sweet dreams x

ah thanks stargazer xx

You know i keep having this mad thought in my head - what if his life is better than mine?
What if this is all my fault - and he finds somone else and his life turns out perfect.
Mad - i know but every now and then it goes round on a loop

Hey Annie, you need to LET HIM GO. If his life turns out perfect it will be a bloody miracle. Maybe one day he'll pay of his 40 grand of debt, become very wealthy and have a young lithe woman on his arm. If that miracle happened, he would be able to pay you a little more maintenance money. By that time you will be the one with no debts and a lithe young man on your arm. Or a solid old man, depending on your preference.

Yep your right = and its nearly 90 grand of debt!!

and over here in ireland you cant go bankrupt so it just follows you around.

feeling slightly better this morning
thanks for the reply x

i get that thought occasionally though not so often now. i think you're starting to overthink about it, gawd knows that most of us in the same boat have done it. his life can't be better because he has all that debt, all those problems and some horrible lessons to go through.

YOUR life, however, (although it may not seem that way) started getting infinitely better when you made the decision to leave. some people may tell you to look at the stars and count your blessings when all you want to do is kick the stones in the dirt. yes you have to look where you're going but one day you will feel like looking at the stars just take your own sweet time and you will get there when you're supposed to, don't worry

ahh thanks for the message.

Well we have had another disagreement, he has decided that he will now pay me on a friday and by standing order and until i give him my bank account details he will not pay me.

Iam fed up of him just telling me what to do so i havnt given him my account details and i have not been paid.

Hi Annie, just caught up. I think you're doing amazingly. Could you open a new account just for his maintenance then withdraw it straight after it goes in? What a great guy - deciding to get at you by depriving his children.

Keep strong - keep thinking 90 grand in debt and a chipolata-dick - what a catch!

Annie - you're doing really well. I would definitely have problems sorting out all you have done. Keep going! Have you got Gloria Gaynor 'I will survive'? Helen Reddy 'I am Woman'?

Ahh thanks for the messages

Yes i did have Helen reddy and have just listened to it a few times.

Well he has been to my door twice last night and once this morning to drop off my son and still no chq - how low can you go eh

still feel a bit wobbley this am. your right iam overthinking it - how do i stop that?