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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

help and support needed please

138 replies

annieatnofour · 08/05/2011 20:55

Evening ladies,
I could do with off loading here. Been married 18 years in Oct, together for 20 and hubby left last Sunday.
Four years ago i found out that he had been involved with an ow - although it was only emotional.
Upon investigation i found that he had been using chat rooms on swingers sites and was messaging lots of women, although the ow was his main one.

He left the family home and came back 4 weeks later, we went to counselling and work through most of our problems.
I still found it very hard to trust him again. and over the course of the 4 years have found him on the chat rooms again.

Last week i found him again and threw him out - he came back in the morning, but over the course of the week things got worse until on Sunday I found another phone hidden in a bag in the car.

I dont really want him back - life with him is pretty chaotic at the best of times, but i feel really down, scared for the future, worried re money etc.

Any support welcome x

OP posts:
Scottie87 · 21/07/2011 08:42

Good luck with your move.... Moving is hard and stressful at the best of times

Original poster
annieatnofour · 21/07/2011 13:11

thank you
feeling very lost and sad today

OP posts:
RabbitPie · 21/07/2011 13:16

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
annieatnofour · 21/07/2011 14:22

good advice - i just need to keep telling myself that

OP posts:
aurorastargazer · 21/07/2011 14:50

hi annie ((((((((hugs)))))))

my dd was the same when we were moving house, she has since turned round several times and said that where we are now is 'loads better' than where we were living previously; i think it is the loss of the familiar that is affecting your dd at this time, with my dd i just kept telling her that i loved her and reassured her when she needed it.

as for you, rabbitpie is right. whenever i thought of going back to x, his behaviour kept reinforcing my decision in leaving him as correct. keep thinking of why you left him and reassure yourself that you are doing the right thing. it is moving forwards into unfamiliar territory that is the scary thign for you at the moment, i suspect Smile

it will get easier, your children will settle into their new home as will you.

(as for him, he's big enough to handwrite his cv and then take it into a loval library and ask if they can print if for him. you are not responsible for him anymore, he's not a child although he may act like one, i'm sure there are children who are far more mature than he is acting.)

i know things may be hard going but you WILL get there (((((((((((hugs)))))))))

aurorastargazer · 21/07/2011 14:51

WILL

aurorastargazer · 21/07/2011 14:51

yay!!!Grin

Original poster
annieatnofour · 21/07/2011 15:04

hiya mrs - thanks for replying.

Also was told that he is texting another woman - its all so quick and makes me feel disposble.

OP posts:
aurorastargazer · 21/07/2011 15:07

you're welcome annie Smile

turn it round, you're the one that had a lucky escape (((((((hugs)))))))

Original poster
annieatnofour · 21/07/2011 15:18

i know, i know -

i think this move has made me take a step backwards.

OP posts:
Wisedupwoman · 21/07/2011 19:49

It might feel like a step backwards now. But you have a home you will make your own space, and create your own memories in.

It might help a bit more if you try not to ask your DC's about their D and what he's doing, or if they are volunteering info that you find hurtful is there someone else they can talk to about this? I just think that whilst it's such early days it's harder not to feel discarded if you are hearing things about H that set you back.

you are doing really well though. I couldn't have contemplated moving house, it's such a big step, and it shows how resourceful you are. Well done. Smile

Original poster
annieatnofour · 22/07/2011 12:46

thanks - yes have already made a deal with ds that i wont ask and he is not to tell, so hopefully that will make life easier for both me and ds.

Just feel so emotional - and feel that maybe i have got all the kids bit wrong.

Iam meeting DS counsellor on Monday before his first session with her, so iam hoping that that will help him.

H has not texted either child yet, breaks my heartx

OP posts:
RabbitPie · 23/07/2011 05:14

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Original poster
annieatnofour · 24/07/2011 11:45

all good here and we are moved in - cant move for boxes

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Original poster
annieatnofour · 24/07/2011 12:13

have to keep posting in one line as net keeps crashing!

Father in law moved us - apparently H is now not happy with him

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Original poster
annieatnofour · 24/07/2011 12:15

Well he can do what he likes now - he cant do anything to us. even if he stops paying the maitenance i will cope as the rent here is lower.

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Original poster
annieatnofour · 24/07/2011 12:17

My one parent tax credits have kicked in this month so the paypacket had some extra money in it - gonna treat dd to a new duvet set for her new bedroom.

H still hasnt text her even though i asked him to on Wednesday - some man eh?

OP posts:
Original poster
annieatnofour · 24/07/2011 12:17

thanks for all your support ladies - it keeps me going
annie
xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
annieatnofour · 24/07/2011 19:56

At my sisters at the mo accessing her internet...
Spent some time at the old house clearing up and shed a few tears.

The kids are finding it really hard at the moment - lots of shouting and tears and iam trying to reassure them that all will be ok, but their life has been turned upside down and moving house has just brought that home to them.

I sometimes feel that i cant do right for wrong - i seem to get shouted at whatever decision i make !!!! but i wouldnt have it any other way - wouldnt swap my life for his - i have my kids at night to kiss goodnigt and to say good morning to in the morning .... priceless.

I hope his knob drops off from knob rott!

annie
x

OP posts:
Original poster
annieatnofour · 26/07/2011 15:34

Well i firmly believe that H is not in a happy place ....

Finally moved all my stuff out of old house yesterday - met my landlady on saturday who told me to stop cleaning as we had lived there 9 years, they were going to gut the place ready for reletting.

H went into the house after i had moved everything and then he texts - " is this how your leaving the house"
me "?????"
Him "its a mess - has the landlord seen it"

me " its none of your business"

He hasnt lived there for 3 months and had stopped paying the rent, so what the heck has it got to do with him.

Someone doesnt like not being in control me thinks ......
shame!

New house is like a bomb site - but it will all get sorted eventually. Had a house full of DD friends staying over last night, could hear them all giggling in her room - wouldnt swap his life for mine ever!

met with DS counsellor last night and he has an appointment with her next week. Hopefully he will have a safe place that he can vent and get angry and let out his feelings.

hope you are all well

annie
x

OP posts:
Wisedupwoman · 26/07/2011 18:32

He's a cheeky bugger your H, isn't he?

Cheap shots by a rather unenlightened soul. Ignore, ignore and ignore some more.

Anyway, your DD has christened her room teenage style so that's what's important!

Glad to hear your DS can start to work through his own stuff. It'll pay dividends for your relationship that you love him enough to put it all in place for him, he won't forget that.

And don't forget you in all this. Strong and resilient kids look to strong and resilient DM's so make all the time you need to care for you.
X

Original poster
annieatnofour · 27/07/2011 16:11

well iam really in a bad place today and i wondered if you could help me girls ...
firstly - my old landlord is putting pressure on H to clear the rubbish at the house, and they dont want me involved in it as they think i have had enough to do moving on my own.
H is now telling Ds that the landlord is upset with me - well i have spojken to both my landlord and lady and neither is upset with me. iam so upset that he manages to still push my buttons and iam really upset that he keeps using DS to relay these messages.

Also DS found his "secret" phone and theres loads of messages from other women - and wait for it .... couples......... and one of the messages say that she has been texting him since october of last year.

feel like i have been kicked in the stomach

OP posts:
Wisedupwoman · 27/07/2011 18:16

Oh annie, so sorry.

But this isn't your problem the landlord thing, if you've clearly sorted it out with them and they're not chasing you, then don't respond to his attempt to manipulate your DS - I'd just tell your DS that you have sorted it with the landlord, end of.

As awful as it is that your DS found the phone I think it's time to sit down with your DC's and tell them you know all you need to know about their D and it's not their job to investigate him. It's torturous for you all that they find this stuff but they need to stop looking.

If you haven't already done so, is it time to consult a sol?

mummytime · 28/07/2011 07:22

How long until you actually move?
I would take some time to talk to both the kids, and explain about their Dad, but say you don't want them to spy on him or pass messages. They need to say "Mum said you need to write/email her if you have something to say, not send messages by us. Its not fair on us Daddy."

I think your DD will be much better when she is in her new room. If you can let her personalise it (even if charity shop finds, cheap scarves or whatever). Do also help her see her friends, as they are so important at this age.

I hope today is a better day for you.

Original poster
annieatnofour · 01/08/2011 13:56

thanks for the messages

I Have asked ds not to pass on messages and i have also text H a few times asking him to not to involve the kids.

Have had a really busy weekend and two very late nights - so am really tired and emotional. Both events H was at as well, so i have had a bellyfull of him.

Please - when does this get easier?

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