help and support needed please

[annieatnofour]

Evening ladies,
I could do with off loading here. Been married 18 years in Oct, together for 20 and hubby left last Sunday.
Four years ago i found out that he had been involved with an ow - although it was only emotional.
Upon investigation i found that he had been using chat rooms on swingers sites and was messaging lots of women, although the ow was his main one.

He left the family home and came back 4 weeks later, we went to counselling and work through most of our problems.
I still found it very hard to trust him again. and over the course of the 4 years have found him on the chat rooms again.

Last week i found him again and threw him out - he came back in the morning, but over the course of the week things got worse until on Sunday I found another phone hidden in a bag in the car.

I dont really want him back - life with him is pretty chaotic at the best of times, but i feel really down, scared for the future, worried re money etc.

Any support welcome x

When you go no contact IME. I would never put myself in the position of being at the same function as PTM, I can't imagine how painful that must have been.
i think in the early days it's fine to excuse yourself from anything really, you need to look after yourself and being in situations which mean you keep seeing him doesn't make that easy.

But that's just how I do it, it's not right for everyone.

Well thank god that weekend is over ...

Ds started his counselling yesterday. When i met the counseller last week she asked for me to ask H to give permission for Ds to have the counselling - its not the end of the world, and there are ways round it , but it makes life easier if he agrees.

Well - Guess what .. yep he didnt text her! Still iam sure that speaks volumes about him.

Anyway, this first session was a 20 taster session for Ds to see if he would like to come back.
Afterwards the counsellor told me that she asked ds how mum is doing and he replied that a"mum is more independant, has more engery and less stress now dad has gone" and then she asked him would he have dad back or mum like she is now, and he replied - mum like she is now!

So ladies, iam now more than sure that i have made the right choice, my kids are happier because of it.
She said he is a very switched on lad and that 5 sessions should do it , and she was gonna address his dads porn use and then give him some coping mechanisms.

a very good friend came over on Tuesday and started to get the house in order with me - couldnt see the wood for the trees, so glad thats starting to look better.

H is apparently upset that we have moved - as he had heard that our old landlord was prepared to put down the rent and redecorate the house. Iam not quite sure whats it got to do with him ... hes had his fresh start and i needed mine....

My sister and her H have agreed to part their ways on Tuesday, so i will have to be minding her now.

hope you are all well

annie
xxx

hi annie i'm glad your ds counselling went well x
x was upset when we moved and used that to unsettle dd, guess what it didn't work cos i knew what he was up to and why - it was all about control and i suspect that that is why your h was upset. am sorry for your sister how is she?

sorry i haven't posted for a while, have been on make or break hols with dp. back now, things lots better than they were but we shall see

hope you have a good week x

Hello ladies

Its a long time since i posted - and there have been some changes, some good some not so good.

But iam still struggling at the moment - had a short relationship with a single man in our social circle ( which bought its own troubles) and now on my own again.
Its the being on my own again iam struggling with - iam worrying that i will always be on my own!

Hope someone can help me plse

annie
xx

I think that to be happy in a relationship we have to be able to be happy by ourselves too.
You should not need a man to be happy.

Thanks for your reply.

To be honest i completly agree with you - but its getting to that point that i cant do, if that makes any sense.

My tummy is churning with worry here.....

I do understand you and those are normal feelings.

Do you feel lonely normally? Do you have close friends and family?

You surely know by now that there are a hell of a lot worse things than being on your own, honey.

Once you have grasped this fact, it's a question of making slow - or in some cases rapid - progress to the point where you will only entertain the idea of an intimate relationship with a member of the opposite sex if he enhances and enriches your life.

Your chances of finding a man who will enable you to become all that you can be in a committed relationship will be significantly increased if you first rid yourself of the desire to clutch hold of any old piece of male flotsam that drifts your way simply because you erroneously believe that you can only be defined by having a man in your life.

Start valuing yourself; build your sense of self-worth and self-esteem and don't settle for second best because you deserve the best of all that life can offer.

Engage in activities that you enjoy or have always wanted to do - amateur dramatics, woodworking, pottery, fencing, dressmaking, creative writing... the opportunities for learning new skills and having fun are endless.

Resist the temptation to spend your spare time slumped in front of the box. Play your favourite music and listen to other genres that you may be unaccustomed to. Tune in to radio 4, keep up to speed with current affairs, and take time to really listen to what the people you meet irrespective of age, gender, etc, are saying - you'll learn a lot about them and about yourself.

Challenges your existing beliefs from time to time; reappraise your values on a regular basis. Throw out any outmoded thinking or any thinking that keeps you trapped in the vicious circle of negativity, and burn those mental 'video tapes' of past events that bring you down.

Life is short and you owe it to yourself, and to all of those souls who aren't as fortunate as you, to make the most of it

Thanks for the replys

No i dont feel lonely - actually quite like my own company, but sometimes can feel sorry for myself if i dont do a whole heap at the weekend.

Have a job that i love, which is four days a week, so i love having my one day off in the week.

I think iam thinking too far ahead - and worrying that iam gonna be on my own forever and stressing that the whole "finding a man" will be exhausting.

Its not that i miss my exhusband or my last man, i know this is about me, my self esteem ......

Might be exhausting, but you could also have some fun in the process. :)

Stop stressing about trying to 'find' a man - enjoy your own company and that of your family/friends/colleagues and wait for the right man to find you!

I'm a great believer in cosmic ordering but you do need to dot the i's and cross the t's before placing an order - it wouldn't do to end up with a Johnny Depp lookalike/earnalike who's only 4' tall if you're 6'

lol - how does this cosmic ordering work?

I feel quite needy but i think i just need some hand holding and some reassurance .....

I was a stay at home mum for 12 years, which i loved, until my job last year. I think somewhere i have lost me.........

still struggling here tonight ladies ......