help and support needed please

[annieatnofour]

Evening ladies,
I could do with off loading here. Been married 18 years in Oct, together for 20 and hubby left last Sunday.
Four years ago i found out that he had been involved with an ow - although it was only emotional.
Upon investigation i found that he had been using chat rooms on swingers sites and was messaging lots of women, although the ow was his main one.

He left the family home and came back 4 weeks later, we went to counselling and work through most of our problems.
I still found it very hard to trust him again. and over the course of the 4 years have found him on the chat rooms again.

Last week i found him again and threw him out - he came back in the morning, but over the course of the week things got worse until on Sunday I found another phone hidden in a bag in the car.

I dont really want him back - life with him is pretty chaotic at the best of times, but i feel really down, scared for the future, worried re money etc.

Any support welcome x

not doing too well here now to be honest.

Feel quite down and sad .... i know iam better off without him.. but still

No wonder you feel down, this is a tough place to be in. It will pass and you will feel much better than you do now.
Monday tomorrow, so you'll be able to get on with stuff again. Be nice to yourself, have a little treat from us. Let us know how you get on.

Hi annie, is there any reason you won't take the money? It might be a good idea to accept it because otherwise you may be seen as uncooperative or whatever. I would think it will make everything a bit more formal. On top of that, cheques may just bounce. He may well be getting the money from somewhere else.

How are the DC's? I'm sure they can give you some strength (in their own teenage lad kind of way).

Hey guess what - DH started singing 'you picked a fine time to leave me Lucille' yesterday!! Wonder if he's working something out?

Hiya Barbie

Well theres a couple of reasons that i dont want to give him my bank account details.
A - hes very doggy with money and not quite "honest" so that worries me, and with 90 grand of debt hanging round your neck it would make you desperate.

B - he keeps "telling" whats happening - no discussions. Ie - changed the payment date from monday to friday ( which means i am now four days short of money) then told me how much he was paying me, and now this.
So iam fed up of being "told".
Hes argument is the same as yours that iam obligated to take the money his way.

How is everyone?

evening all

Went to my counsellor today - a comment she made stuck with me and i wondered if any of you had experience of this .
She said that married friends soon drop the single ones.

Any ideas?

Some truth but not total truth (as a couple we have single friends). Although if a couple is friends with a couple and that couples splits you ofte ened up only being friends with one of the pair.

Great comment from the counsellor, that must have been a real boost Don't think it's true, I had great friends in couples after break ups, now got single friends when I'm in a pair. Chin up! Onward!

thanks ladies for the messages.

I have the best friends - even the ones who we socialised with in couples, so i would hate to lose them - they really have held me up in the last few weeks.

looking at houses tomorrow - fingers crossed we find somewhere. Its me and the two kids looking, the eldest has been in charge of finding them on the net and emailing and arranging the appointments. I want it to be somewhere that we all chose together/

This house is too big and too many horrid memories and we all want to move and have a fresh start
A couple of friends have given me boxes so i can start to sort stuff and pack - its another step on our adventure.

annie
x

hi annie glad things ar ebetter for you today, sorry it's a short posting willtry more soon xx

Thanks

Just been reading realitys list re abusive relationships (right listen up everybody) and i do wonder if what i have been through qualifies as abuse

i know he is telling everyone that i shouted at him all the time, which to be fair i did.
But this is the 3rd time hes got involved with other women and the fourth time hes left.
He wouldnt even pay a bill - or address his debts ( the ones i knew about)

any thoughts

do you feel like half a person (from what you were before you met him)?
do you feel like you're constantly walking on eggshells in case you 'upset' him?
does he blame you for making him feel a certain way?
does he 'let' you do things that are acceptable to him?
does he 'get upset' if you do things without him but does those things himself?
are you 'allowed' or feel that you're allowed/not allowed to do certain things?
does he constantly put you down/make you feel unloved?

this is not an exhaustive list nor does one imply that if any of these are ticked then it is not necessarily an abusive situation - everything must be taken into consideration. it is just a list of my experiences unfortunately from a couple of not so different 'relationships'

Yep some of those things ring bells for me.... something to think about.

Well i feel crap today - have my nephew over for the day as Dsis is going for her scan today.

My son is yet again refusing to do the dishwasher and is absoultly revolting since coming back from his dads yesterday and its driving me mad.

While DS was at his fathers yesterday we viewed a house in town and ds joined us. After the viewing his father was waiting for him - and he didnt even acknolwdge our DD, not a wave, hiya or anything.

I mean whats wrong with the man - he has had no contact with her for a week, and he ignores her???

Ohh when does this all get better?

when he thinks he's getting hte upper hand he's all mr nice and then when you start stnading up for yourself, he throws his toys out of his pram. just don't pick them up for him again annie x

evening all,

Well the news from here is that i have found a new house and we will be moving in the coming weeks. So the house is now being packed up.

But iam finding all this packing quite emotional ... especially when i started to sort my bedroom. But am so looking forward to a new start, a new home that just me and the kids have chosen.

Am beginning to miss adult company - i have the best friends in the world, but its not the same as having someone there in the evening etc. and iam missing sex big time!!!

hi annie that's brilliant news!! i am so pleased for you. it is always emotional packing up a house to move to pastures new and especially so for you, i think.

yes to missing adult company in the evenings yes i am with vimes but i don't live with him, once i have put dd to bed in our house it goes very quiet and i miss him loads then.

how was your weekend? do you have a definite moving date?

hiya
thanks for the reply,

Hopefully moving in 2 weeks, just got to finalise dates.
Feeling so excited about it all - this will be our home, me and the kids, and will have nothing to do with H whatsoever.

Its right in the centre of town as well which will make all our lives easier.

Son went to stay with H on Thursday, and came back friday morning to tell me that H was gonna text me re seeing him on saturday, well no text came and son was let down again.
This happened last weekend as well, it breaks my heart to be honest, but i cant make him see him.
His new life is obviously so exciting that the kids come a poor second, which i really dont understand as for me all that matters at the moment is that the kids are happy and coping with the situation. Still just re enforces why he had to go eh.

Just sitting around in my dressing gown today watching F1. Having a lazy day.
hope everyone is having a good weekend x

Good to hear there's life after cr*p. You're being a great Mum, keep up the good work.

i'm sorry you're son was let down (((hugs))))

dd was let down as well, she'd been told that she would be seeing rabbits. hmm. she didn't. it was supposed to be 'his' weekend the previous weekend and he worked instead - won't change shifts for dd but will change them for someone at work then gets his weekends mixed up when it suits him. i suggested that dd went to her dad's for tea on friday because otherwise she wouln't have seen him for nearly two weeks. apparently i am a bitch and make his life hell because i ask him to keep to dd's routine and not mess her about

you watch f1??? i can't stand it. was put off f1 when i was younger and it seemed to be on every sunday dp watches moto gp and i like bikes but i prefer to be on a motorbike than watch it going round and round and round ...

wasn't a bad weekend for me and dd though dp's car broke down last week, fingers crossed the garage can fix it today before he comes back to his dad's tomorrow.

dd got on really well at her new school after a couple of teething troubles' - she had brill first report - no probs, all but one 'good' and one excellent for effort in art

i am sure that if you can keep things going for your ds as you are, then he will settle in fairly quickly at his new school i know it's hard when they're upset though.

hopefully you will get your moving date soon

oops i meant your

Found you!

You're doing amazingly well Annie. A new home, taking on the bills and a car of your own, means you have made a number of important steps to freedom from a man who, lets face it, doesn't seem to like women very much, objectifies them and can't embrace them as completely human.

You have also discovered that he appears incapable of being honest with people and has created a web of deceit, which whilst once might have given him the illusion of protection is now coming back to bite him hard where it hurts. Good. Keep referring all debt agencies etc to his address, and stop sorting anything out on his behalf. Your MIL's response to you gives an important clue to his sense of entitlement to special treatment from people - he sounds rather grandiose and full of his own importance tbh.

All this stuff about sex, well, it shows a person who is desperately afraid of intimacy and of making himself vulnerable in a real relationship. The lack of personal responsibility in all areas of his life also shows that he is functioning like a small child - 'if I ignore this, it isn't happening and DM/DW/OW/someone else will come along and pick up the pieces'. Except you have removed yourself from equation and bloody good job too.

Do you have the CSA in Ireland? If so, you can remove the doubt about maintenance payments by getting them to collect the payments on your behalf without disclosing to him your bank details.

Your DC's will be seeing their D in new ways too. You're doing all the right things encouraging them to see their D. However, listen to what they are 'saying' - I mean if your DS doesn't get himself ready on time to see his D, whose problem is that? Not yours, IMO, DS is sending a message which mirrors that of his D's - if his D can't be bothered to maintain a proper relationship with your DS, then why should he make the effort himself. And it's particularly telling that your H's attitude to his DD is to ignore the impact of this behaviour on her - his overall stance toward women is staggeringly cruel and dismissive. He'll reap the consequences of that, and your DC's will see that this is about him, not you or any 'failings' your H tries to blame you for. Do not let him rewrite history. You know the truth. Your DS sounds very unhappy btw. Is he getting support in his own right?

Keep posting. You'll get there. Promise. (((hugs)))

posting and running ladies as getting the keys for new house this am!

Thanks for your reply wisey - just to quickly say that yes ds is on the list for counselling and i rang them last week to see iff we could hurry them up as i was worried about him, so hopefully we should hear soon.

Will post more later
thanks again everyone
xxx

Now apparently iam to blame for him missing a job deadline - as i hadnt give him his files of the pc, so therefore was unable to re write his CV and that is my fault!!!

Also DS has told me that he was texting (OW) and watching the golf on his phone whilst driving to dubline.

I have told him that iam not very happy to hear this

Well that's a load of predictable bollocks on H's part, but you know that.

If he's not prepared to drive responsibly with his DC's in the car you know what the answer to that is.

Have a good move Annie.

Hiya ladies,
At work at the mo , internet is gone until we move into new house so postings will be far and few.
Have a bad day here, daughter has decided that she now doesnt want to move - i know she is just lashing at the change in her circumstances.
Have text H to tell him to text her as she needs his support - he hasnt even text ds since sunday.
Just finished a counselling session and i feel worn out, off home to do more packing.

hope you are all well and thanks for the continued support

annie

Morning all,

Struggling here today - am very emtional re the packing up the house, and my dd is no happier at all. Shes not speaking to me and refusing to pack!!

Had a lot to think about after my counselling session - this move really means its over - time to start anew.

H still has not text either child after me contacting him yesterday - its all very sad for them. they really need his support at the moment.

At work today - and then iam not sure when i can get on line again - thanks for all the support - it really helps
annie