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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found DP on voyeur site....

150 replies

bluearrow · 28/04/2011 13:53

Have name-changed.
We've been together 5 yrs now;the first time I googled DP name and his nickname (he would use it as a user ID for most internet accounts) I found he had signed up for some porn/dating website. We had a long conversation and he promised not to do it again, however he didn't really explain why he had a need to sign up as the site was free. Since then I have found a few more bits of evidence that he is into some sick porn, which also he could not explain. Pls note-I'm not totally against porn if it s in moderation and certainly not hidden from me.
Now I googled his username again yesterday only to find that he is a member of voyeur forum since 2009; last activity summer 2010. I find it pretty disturbing and sick to be honest! He had used a false name for his account as well! The alarm bells are ringing as only a couple of weeks ago I noticed something strange. Every time our 7 yr old DD is having a bath he somehow suddenly needs the toilet (joined toilet/bathroom)- I asked him why he does that but he got all defensive and left the room. Making out as if I'm the one who's got sick mind. I just really hope there is no connection.

Not sure how to handle this, as we have had the "talks" before, I feel like I'm done talking....

OP posts:
Original poster
bluearrow · 28/04/2011 13:57

*DD is from my prev relationship

OP posts:
zikes · 28/04/2011 13:59

It seems like two issues to me, but if you really think he's perving on your dd then the time for talking is through and he needs to be gone.

Diggs · 28/04/2011 14:03

It doesnt sound like hes ever stopped being on these sites op . Its highly likeley hes got other accounts you know nothing about . When you say sick porn , what are you referring to ?

thefatishistory · 28/04/2011 14:11

If you genuinely believe that your dp has a sexual interest in your dd then you have no alternative but to leave him. You have to put your dd first and protect her.

BestNameEver · 28/04/2011 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Zanette · 28/04/2011 14:18

Agree with the other posters....if there's any belief that your DP is interested in your DD in a sexual way, then he has to go! The porn is a personal issue for you to decide on. My opinion is that it depends on what type it is, how often he's looking at it & whether it's used instead of having sex with you.

busymummyboo · 28/04/2011 14:41

If you really think your DP is sexually interested in your dd. Deliberately going into the toilet whilst she is in the bath.

Why are you here posting, why are you here a couple of weeks later raisng it on MN if you have had alarm bells for this long. Why is he not out of the house?

I also make a very relevant observation, in that list of issues which is your OP. Your concerns for your DD are listed last. The porn, forums etc are listed first. Your prioroty should be your DD. Not trying to connect the dots, hoping you are wrong.

If you have even a suspicion he is some sexual deviant perving on your DD, the forums and porn is a moot issue.

RoyalFucker · 28/04/2011 16:14

if you suspect he is making excuses to see his SD in the nude, then what are doing on here ?

get the fuck out of there

I am ignoring the rest as being much, much further down the list of your priorities at the moment

onehotmomma · 28/04/2011 16:38

Sod the porn sites and get your dd the fuck out of there if you think he is a pevert

Original poster
bluearrow · 28/04/2011 17:20

Just to be clear, my DD does come first and if I did suspect anything pervy was going on he would be straight out.
Every time she was in the bath I was near and could actually hear DP telling her to turn away while he does his business. I could also hear her afterwards saying something down the lines :?eeww, it stinks in here now!? I only noticed this happening recently as I didn?t think there was anything wrong with him seeing DD in the bath; besides DP has said he used to share bathroom/toilet with his mum when he was young. Its just that it became sort of a habit- every time she was in bath he needed toilet .When I confronted him he got defensive, but thinking about it, he would do regardless if he?s guilty or not. It is a serious accusation after all.
When I discovered he?s interested in voyeurism, the bathroom issue came straight to my mind and sort of made sense. HOWEVER I might be wrong and he really did need toilet when DD was in bath and he has signed up for the voyeur site to watch some porn, not that he enjoys spying on people.

OP posts:
LadyBeagleEyes · 28/04/2011 17:36

Why the Hell does your partner want to use the toilet when your daughter is already in there? I'm gathering he's not her father?
Your attitude to this seems very strange.

bbird1 · 28/04/2011 17:43

Taking a dump while a young girl is in the bath next to him is sick in itself - regardless of any other (possible) sinister intentions. Cant he hold it in for a few minutes for Christ's sake? The sick twat.

MyMotherWasLikeThat · 28/04/2011 17:56

When I was 9 yo, my mother married my SF. He was an artist and there was much "erotica" around the house (all this predates the internet by a few decades). Within months it was suggested that I should "pose" for him. My mother thought this was a wonderful idea despite the fact that it made me desperately uncomfortable.

Very shortly thereafter the sexual abuse started. My mother worked evenings / nights so I was alone in the house with this predator. I was told that if I ever said anything to anyone about this that I would spend the rest of my life locked up in a mental hospital.

There are people like this out there and these things do happen. Please do not risk your daughter's physical, emotional and psychological well being. Stop this visiting the bathroom while she's in the bath now.

holderness · 28/04/2011 18:17

When I read the OP I presumed using the toilet meant a pee when his daughter was in the bath. Not for me or mine but fair enough -I know lots of people would not mind this and have brought their children up to be okay with this.

Then I re-read and realised this is his stepdaughter. This changes the dynamic somewhat but was gobsmacked to find that it isnt a pee but a shit. Shock

You state you "only noticed this happening recently" so it isnt what has always happened in your home.He has engineered it so that you don't question his need to be so intimate with your daughter. Soon he will lock the bathroom door while they are in there.

That is one seriously fucked up household -and one seriously at risk young girl

I cannot believe you are defending this man.

busymummyboo · 28/04/2011 18:19

But you do suspect something? What are your alarm bells for? Why are you questioning his actions and hoping it's not connected to the "sick" porn.

So you suspect something is a miss and are doing nothing? Your op seems to prioritise the porn and sites, where as this is your issue.

A man who goes and takes a dump when a 7 yr DD of his partner is in the bath is not the norm and verging on voyeuristic, that's what he is into right?

Got to agree with whoever said, your attitude seems bizzare to say the least. You say if you suspected him of anything he'd be gone, but you do don't you? Just hoping you are wrong.

LindsayWagner · 28/04/2011 18:24

this isn't 'spying on people', it's spying on your daughter. I really think you need to get him out, now.

sarah166 · 28/04/2011 18:25

Him going for a dump in front of your daughter is absolutely not on under any circumstances. A quick wee is one thing, a shit is quite another. For a start, people need to wee a lot more often. Had it happened once, in an absolute emergency, I wouldn't think any more about it. However, his habit is clearly premeditated. If he really did have to go there and then, surely taking your daughter out of the bath first would be better but as you say, this has happened more than a few times.

WhiteBumOfTheMountain · 28/04/2011 18:28

OP you keep defending him...and why do you not go IN there when he is in there with her? Why are you bloody listening at doors!!!

QuelleLeJeff · 28/04/2011 18:30

Vile vile vile.

foxinthewoods · 28/04/2011 18:31

OP please could you define what was the 'sick' porn content - young girls, animals, bukakke, spycams in bathrooms?

misshospitalcorners · 28/04/2011 18:33

If he became defensive when you asked about the bathroom, and deflected anger back to you, then that there is a possible sign of guilt.
Put some distance between your DP and your DD.
I think you already know this. I wouldn't risk dithering.

sarah166 · 28/04/2011 18:33

Taking a dump whilst your stepdaughter's in the bath IS a form of abuse.

sungirltan · 28/04/2011 18:40

dp is being unreasonable unless he is incontinent. the rest is a different matter though maybe not. is the porn loo related?

Al0uiseG · 28/04/2011 18:44

He's a fucking wanker. Imagine being a 7 year old yourself and a man coming in for a shit.

Why are you even asking? You know what to do.

ChristinedePizan · 28/04/2011 18:48

I would kick him into touch immediately. He sounds really weird and lacking in appropriate boundaries. You should have dumped him the moment you found sick porn.