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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found DP on voyeur site....

150 replies

bluearrow · 28/04/2011 13:53

Have name-changed.
We've been together 5 yrs now;the first time I googled DP name and his nickname (he would use it as a user ID for most internet accounts) I found he had signed up for some porn/dating website. We had a long conversation and he promised not to do it again, however he didn't really explain why he had a need to sign up as the site was free. Since then I have found a few more bits of evidence that he is into some sick porn, which also he could not explain. Pls note-I'm not totally against porn if it s in moderation and certainly not hidden from me.
Now I googled his username again yesterday only to find that he is a member of voyeur forum since 2009; last activity summer 2010. I find it pretty disturbing and sick to be honest! He had used a false name for his account as well! The alarm bells are ringing as only a couple of weeks ago I noticed something strange. Every time our 7 yr old DD is having a bath he somehow suddenly needs the toilet (joined toilet/bathroom)- I asked him why he does that but he got all defensive and left the room. Making out as if I'm the one who's got sick mind. I just really hope there is no connection.

Not sure how to handle this, as we have had the "talks" before, I feel like I'm done talking....

OP posts:
Original poster
bluearrow · 28/04/2011 18:49

Thank you for all your responses.
I know it might sound as if I defend him, and, yes, I do hope there is nothing more serious to this. Not that this isn?t serious enough?

I just wish you could understand how difficult this is. DD is very attached to him, she knows him since she was 2 and calls him daddy. I know for a fact that it would break her heart if we would split up. I realise our household is kind of fucked up, but I really don?t know what to do right now. Its not always that easy to just end it.

Foxinthewoods - re sick porn; to be honest I do not remember the exact details (I didn?t really watch any of it), but, yes think there were some animals and cruelty envolved. In summary, he never watches what I call light porn- man plus woman at it- its always more hard core and extreme. But as I say- I hate that kind of stuff so when I did find the evidence I never really watched any of it. Hope this make sense

OP posts:
busymummyboo · 28/04/2011 18:55

The porn, animals etc, is illegal, so he is into illegal porn.

Stop using your DD as an excuse (it will break her heart etc) it's about you wanting him and leaving her down on your list of priorites.

You are both as fucked up as one another. There is nothing difficult about it, you get him away from your DD.

He is clearly a sexual deviant and probably has sights on your daughter, if he hasn't done things already. You are one of those Mum's who turn a blind eye, so you can have a man?

You know people that way inclined target single Mum's don't you? Fostering solid relationships to start with the DC's. So your reasoning means shit.

suecy · 28/04/2011 18:56

Why on earth do you want to be with someone who gets off watching people shag animals? Regardless of the bathroom issue, which is at best disgusting and degrading for her and at worst a first move towards grooming/sexual desensitising, how can you respect him, love him, want to shag him yourself?!

WhiteBumOfTheMountain · 28/04/2011 18:59

What are you doing on here? Have you spoken to your DD? have you told this man he is not to go in the bathroom when she is in there?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABOUT THIS???

busymummyboo · 28/04/2011 19:01

She's doing nothing, as she hopes she's wrong. It's not that easy just to leave you know, the DD will be devastated........

The fact he is a sick pervert into illegal porn, is way down there on the priority list, let alone he is exposing himself and the DD to such inappropriate intimate contact.

I don't think I have ever been so angry about words on a screen.

Al0uiseG · 28/04/2011 19:02

"some animals and cruelty involved"

GET RID OF THE SADISTIC, VOYEURISTIC PERVERT.

I bet your daughter isn't really fond of him, she's probably got him more sussed out than you have.

moonwakjer · 28/04/2011 19:02

Just to be clear Bluearrow if your daughter comes first then you will make sure she is not left alone with your partner.

You will make your partner an ex-partner.

The alarm bells are ringing because you know that the situation with the porn and the bathroom is not right.

I would not hang around with a partner who used porn, that is my opinion. I think porn if often abusive and degrading towards women.

I certainly would not stand by while a man entered my daughters private space and went to the toilet.

ChristinedePizan · 28/04/2011 19:03

Women like you make me sick quite frankly. You're just ignoring all the signs because it's easier than being alone. You're sacrificing your own daughter because you're too pathetic to cope.

Al0uiseG · 28/04/2011 19:04

In fact op, I'm fairly certain you can ask the police to crb check your delightful boyfriend. Not sure if it's available in all areas but a scheme was certainly trialled in some counties. It picked up a few unsavoury perverts who hang around single mums to gain access to their children.

FreudianSlipOnACrown · 28/04/2011 19:05

Please don't be one of those mothers who buries her head in the sand about possible abuse. I'd be inclined to believe this is a hoax because nobody would be stupid enough to ignore the blatant signs. But sometimes they do. My parents did that.

When I told my parents, age 13, about the abuse my uncle put me through when I was young, one of the things that affected me far more than the actual abuse was when they said "yes, we always wondered if something weird was going on"

I'm 24 now and that still hurts

moonwakjer · 28/04/2011 19:06

Oh bluearrow please get your daughter out of this situation.

Having just read more responses about the type of porn.

Get your daughter out of this situation, you are the parent here, you need to protect her.

Don't stand back and ruin her life!

DontdoitKatie · 28/04/2011 19:06

The activities you've described that he's watching are illegal.

It's illegal to watch bestiality porn, it's illegal to look at voyeuristic footage. So you're already living with a criminal.

However, over and above that, what he's doing to your DD is highly disturbing. You say that alarm bells are ringing, you say that you're done talking, so obviously there's a logical conclusion to that, in that you leave him and you protect your daughter from him.

You don't need to live with a pervert you know. Why do you think you do?

Thornykate · 28/04/2011 19:07

OP I'm sure you do love your daughter v much & perhaps the reason you mentioned the bath thing last is because it is a v hard thought for you to entertain?

Do you have someone in RL you can talk this through with? And have you asked your daughter how she feels? It's common for kids to express love for abusive adults so don't take that as a sign that all Is ok. Am not suggesting that more is going on but gut feelings can be worth more than any concrete evidence.

DontdoitKatie · 28/04/2011 19:09

If you're not going to act by leaving, the first thing you need to do is to stop him going into the bathroom if she's there. Or if you can't stop him make sure you are in there with them all the time. The response you get from doing that should crystallize your inklings about what is actually going on here.

TBH I don't understand why you would leave a seven year old alone in the bath anyway. I think you need to be keeping an eye on her whatever else is happening. You've basically made her completely vulnerable to him.

moonwakjer · 28/04/2011 19:10

I can't quite get over the OP's partner taking a dump in the toilet while her daughter is bathing, as someone else has already said - that is abuse!

FreudianSlipOnACrown Your story is horrific but I sincerely hope that by sharing your story it will make the OP do something.

WholeLottaRosie · 28/04/2011 19:10

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WhiteBumOfTheMountain · 28/04/2011 19:11

In fact OP it's cases like this which make me want internet sites have the power to track you down and have Social Services on your case.

Your DD adores him does she? Well if there IS something goinng on she sure won't adore him OR you in a few years time.

She will resent you forever if you dont work out what is going on here....there COULD be nothing t it....but asking questions here won''t fix anthing.

Al0uiseG · 28/04/2011 19:12

Another idea, hand his computer over to the police, I wonder what they might find?

Reality · 28/04/2011 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

toddlerama · 28/04/2011 19:17

I would hand his computer over to the police, as Al0uiseG suggests. But only after I had taken my daughter and myself out of this situation. Don't let her down, you are the only person in her life who can stop this going any further.

moonwakjer · 28/04/2011 19:20

OP please please please make your daughter come first.

You don't need this abuse in your life either. Sad Sad Sad

Get him out. Get support to get him out.

This is 2011, stop this cycle of abuse.

Iggly · 28/04/2011 19:23

OP, surely, surely you'd remember the details of the porn?? You think it involved animals and other shit? If I found DH was looking at something weird and wrong, I'd certainly remember.

Imagine if you dont do anything. Now in ten years time if your DD turns around and tells you that this man abused her, what will you say?

zikes · 28/04/2011 19:32

Crikey, I thought he was having a pee at first.

Extreme porn plus fucked up privacy boundaries? It's not a pretty picture.

You need to make sure your dd is safe.

PiaThreeTimes · 28/04/2011 19:32

As others have said - take his computer and hand it to the police!

This man is a pervert. Getting off on animals being attacked in this way is beyond sickening. Angry

I can't believe you'd allow yours and your DD's lives to be shared with this sicko!

Please, please, please call the police. They need to check his computer immediately!

PiaThreeTimes · 28/04/2011 19:34

If he's asking her to turn away when she's in the bath, I'd wonder what he's afraid of her watching him do. He can't be THAT bothered about her seeing him go to the loo, if he'd rather go when she's in there than wait until she's finished.

I hope you're on the phone to the police at the moment, without him in earshot!