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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found DP on voyeur site....

150 replies

bluearrow · 28/04/2011 13:53

Have name-changed.
We've been together 5 yrs now;the first time I googled DP name and his nickname (he would use it as a user ID for most internet accounts) I found he had signed up for some porn/dating website. We had a long conversation and he promised not to do it again, however he didn't really explain why he had a need to sign up as the site was free. Since then I have found a few more bits of evidence that he is into some sick porn, which also he could not explain. Pls note-I'm not totally against porn if it s in moderation and certainly not hidden from me.
Now I googled his username again yesterday only to find that he is a member of voyeur forum since 2009; last activity summer 2010. I find it pretty disturbing and sick to be honest! He had used a false name for his account as well! The alarm bells are ringing as only a couple of weeks ago I noticed something strange. Every time our 7 yr old DD is having a bath he somehow suddenly needs the toilet (joined toilet/bathroom)- I asked him why he does that but he got all defensive and left the room. Making out as if I'm the one who's got sick mind. I just really hope there is no connection.

Not sure how to handle this, as we have had the "talks" before, I feel like I'm done talking....

OP posts:
FreudianSlipOnACrown · 29/04/2011 15:23

well done bluearrow.

"Incidentally a lot of sex offenders actually use amnesia in their legal defences"

really? How? No experience of the legal aspects.

Thornykate · 29/04/2011 15:42

Just a casual observation, when there is too much evidence for the perp to continue denying it some will say they can't remember doing it. I have heard this excuse in various forms, too drunk, too many years ago, medical condition caused memory loss/ blackouts, medication caused perp to be 'out of it'. Probably a bit like people who plead temporary insanity.

BTW am not setting myself up as an expert on this, these are purely my own opinions.

FreudianSlipOnACrown · 29/04/2011 15:49

Ah ok thanks.

AnotherMumOnHere · 29/04/2011 15:58

Ive got to admit to being aghast and disgusted at this thread. Im almost 60 and by no means closed minded but if a guy EVER wanted to 'use' the toilet when i was in a bath (or in the bathroom) he would be chased a mile.

To this day, I still shout to my adult son, as I did with all my children, 'I'm going in for a bath, does anyone want in before I close the door'. Simple as that. If they couldnt 'wait' then they would have to have used someone elses toilet (I was lucky enough to have 2 toilets in those days, but I still shouted just in case).

The OP doesnt really seem to have done much bar have the convo last night, is it me ? I really cant believe she still hasnt done anything about that pc/laptop of his. I'd have it down the cop shop pronto and checked. If he didnt have anything to worry about it wouldnt be a problem .... but then we know different dont we ?

FreudianSlipOnACrown · 29/04/2011 16:00

Good point - bluearrow please get that computer checked out. If you leave it too long he'll delete evidence.

Diggs · 29/04/2011 17:01

This sounds very very familiar to me and is very worrying . It sounds as though hes groomed you both into accepting the toilet thing as normal when its not , far from it .I dont think its bad manners , or something he sees as normal , i think its a way to degrade you both without you realising . I also think he gets a sexual kick out of it and i wouldnt be surprised if theres lots of that sort of porn on his pc either .

My EH was into beastiality , voyeaurism , scat porn , as well as sadistic porn and torture . He also had no boundrys re toilet issues and would often leave the door open or do loud stinky farts around us . I later sought counselling due to his sexual abuse of me and was told by the counseller that there is a very strong link between looking at that type of porn and the sexual abuse of women and children , the same with the toilet issue .

atswimtwolengths · 29/04/2011 17:48

God, Diggs, sounds like you had a very lucky escape from that man.

SueSylvesterforPM · 29/04/2011 20:18

must have missed something, why do you thinks it has anything to do with his mother??

AnotherMumOnHere · 29/04/2011 21:22

Its late now and OP has not posted for some hours. I'd like to think it was because she was at the police station with that pc but I've got a feeling that she is just burying her head deeper in the sand. Sad

Icelollycraving · 30/04/2011 10:50

I don't want to really freak you out,but do you think there is any kind of cameras etc in yr bathroom/daughters room? I would be getting that pc to the police.
I am not in a great marriage as such & always like to try to suggest counselling etc but clearly the time for talking is done??
Protect yr daughter. What other unsavoury things go on in front of her that he didn't think were a problem? Your relationship for one.
If he is into humiliation etc,do you not see the link between that & him shitting & telling her not to look at him whilst she is naked & vulnerable?????

Icelollycraving · 30/04/2011 11:40

I cannot stop thinking about the danger this little girl is in....I hope the ops absence is because she is doing something?

SueSylvesterforPM · 30/04/2011 11:45

tbh I can remember my dad just coming in to use the toilet whilst I was in the bath, I just pulled the curtain across and thougth ffs , not as I got older though.

SueSylvesterforPM · 30/04/2011 11:48

What does your daughter say about this??

have you confronted him about doing this??

FabbyChic · 30/04/2011 11:48

I doubt the OP will come back, she doesn't want to get rid of him, she just wants him to stop shitting whilst her daughter is in the bathroom.

She doesn't see what this behaviour signifies along with the type of porn he peruses on the internet.

Some men only get with single women with children in order to get to their children. They wait years for the right moment and spend the earlier years grooming.

AnotherMumOnHere · 30/04/2011 11:59

Totally agree FabbyChic .......... when we have children they come first on our priority list ........ obviously not with OP ......... sadly. Sad

Icelollycraving · 30/04/2011 13:18

I keep checking back to see if op has been back. I think she may update again with a 'we have spoken,he said sorry' but I genuinely think that child is at risk. If he was just using the loo & there were no other concerns,I'd think it was a bit odd & disgusting,but voyeurism & bestiality on yr pc & other stuff the op didn't want to remember?? Outrageous when a young child is in the house.

SueSylvesterforPM · 30/04/2011 13:24

reading through more detail Im am quite worried also

allgonebellyup · 30/04/2011 13:42

Diggs - what is Scat porn?

Icelollycraving · 30/04/2011 13:49

Scat porn is to do with sexual behaviour with shit to be simplistic.

AnotherMumOnHere · 30/04/2011 14:04

I have to agree with you all and feel 'we have spoken, he said sorry' just doesnt cut the mustard. How can ANYONE put their childs welfare at risk with a horrible guy like this around her. Unthinkable. I so wish there was good news on this thread and to be totally brutal it would be along the headlines ........ Ive taken the pc to the police and he has been charged .. at least there would be a chance that the child was then safe.

How any male can 'use the toilet' in front of a 7 year old female is beyond me. Totally unthinkable and definitely abuse.

ThatVikRinA22 · 30/04/2011 14:06

truly hope the OP means what she says about it being over. make it over quickly op, and keep your child safe.

if you need to reassure your self you are doing the right thing re read this thread, but get him away from your daughter.

and i would do some more digging as to what is on that laptop.

i hope your ok.

Mmmmyesplease · 30/04/2011 14:17

I've just read this thread and to be honest, I don't buy it. I don't believe much of what the OP says at all actually. I sincerely hope it's all crap - which makes her very sick indeed - but OP's post about the discussion was rubbish - no way is she leaving on the basis of that...... none of it sounded feasible.

ThatVikRinA22 · 30/04/2011 14:22

sounds feasible enough to me im afraid, depressingly so.

i just hope the post about saying she is ending the relationship isnt just to appease the posters on this thread.

allgonebellyup · 30/04/2011 14:34

Sounds like the op is in complete denial to me. And doesnt want to be without a partner?

AnotherMumOnHere · 30/04/2011 14:39

Sounds like the op is in complete denial to me. And doesnt want to be without a partner?

ditto AGBU.