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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found DP on voyeur site....

150 replies

bluearrow · 28/04/2011 13:53

Have name-changed.
We've been together 5 yrs now;the first time I googled DP name and his nickname (he would use it as a user ID for most internet accounts) I found he had signed up for some porn/dating website. We had a long conversation and he promised not to do it again, however he didn't really explain why he had a need to sign up as the site was free. Since then I have found a few more bits of evidence that he is into some sick porn, which also he could not explain. Pls note-I'm not totally against porn if it s in moderation and certainly not hidden from me.
Now I googled his username again yesterday only to find that he is a member of voyeur forum since 2009; last activity summer 2010. I find it pretty disturbing and sick to be honest! He had used a false name for his account as well! The alarm bells are ringing as only a couple of weeks ago I noticed something strange. Every time our 7 yr old DD is having a bath he somehow suddenly needs the toilet (joined toilet/bathroom)- I asked him why he does that but he got all defensive and left the room. Making out as if I'm the one who's got sick mind. I just really hope there is no connection.

Not sure how to handle this, as we have had the "talks" before, I feel like I'm done talking....

OP posts:
sarah166 · 30/04/2011 16:22

I am hoping the whole thing is a pile of shit (so to speak), posted by some sicko who would like very much to find himself in this situation.

RunAwayWife · 30/04/2011 16:36

As a family we sometimes had to use the loo when one of other was in the bath, mostly just a pee however DSs had no shame when they were younger about coming in for a nice stinky poop while I or DH1 were in the bath, oh the joy of children.

Now I have a new DP and a house with two toilets, however I would not be happy if my new partner had ever used the toilet when one of my children was in the bath/shower.

I WOULD NOT BE HAPPY AT ALL WITH THE BEHAVIOUR OF THE OPs PARTNER.
IF ALARM BELLS ARE SOUNDING LISTEN TO THEM

LadyBeagleEyes · 30/04/2011 17:44

I'm hoping, like all the posters on this thread that this is just made up. God forbid it's true.
But even the thought of the type of sick bastard that would make something like this up is too horrible to contemplate. Just yuck
If it's all true OP, come back and listen to everybody, there's some bloody good advice here.

ThatVikRinA22 · 30/04/2011 17:51

why, when a thread contains subject matter that may be too awful to contemplate do people start to insist that it cant possibly be true?

abuse happens. all the sodding time. just because some people grow up in a nice sheltered family environment does not mean that every body does.

op - i do hope you will come back and post, and listen to the advice on here, your last post seemed to indicate you were making steps to finish this relationship. please be strong and do it.

garlicbutter · 30/04/2011 18:57

Well said, Vicar. In real life, stuff creeps up on you. You don't fall in love with someone, thinking "Is he into illegal porn, insanely controlling rules, human trafficking and/or dangerous violence?" You fall in love with them as they present themselves to you. When he reveals his interest in porn, or gets a bit arsey over your timekeeping, or confides that he once used a prostitute, or loses his rag in a traffic jam, you think "Oh dear" but you overlook it, don't you? Nobody's perfect and at least he's been honest ...

... And so it goes on, a little bit at a time. It's called conditioning. People who say they'd never stand for it (whatever it is) should ask themselves what little foibles they overlook. If those little foibles got a little bit more over time, when would they know enough was enough? How many meaningful talks would they have; how many times would they insist on counselling, draw the line, make threats about it? How many times would they excuse it?

It takes guts to let the whole truth sink in. Posters who've got enough courage to write it down need encouragement, not dismissal - they get enough of that at home.

Diggs · 30/04/2011 21:09

Allgone , scat is poo type porn , not very nice at all .

SybilBeddows · 30/04/2011 21:11

great post GarlicButter.

frazzle26 · 01/05/2011 16:47

I wouldn't even do that with my own son and he is biologically mine. He's 8 btw. I always wait until he's finished as I feel that he deserves the respect of some privacy. Both you and your DP should feel the same about your daughter. Afterall in only 2-3 years she's going to be starting puberty, will he still be doing it then?? How horrible for her.

Tell him in no uncertain terms to stop it.

busymummyboo · 01/05/2011 19:36

I have no doubt this is true, there are really people out there this sick.

People who will turn a blind eye, because they don't want to be alone. Some even go as far to think of the child as some relative, snatching harlot Hmm.

People like this are all to common, that's why sexual pervs target them. They are so fucked up with their own issues, they can't think straight, like a level headed person.

They are so desperate, for whatever reason, to skirt around things and keep what situation they have, the children come last. It's turned away from.

Any NORMAL person, without issues, would have this child away from this man without a split seconds thought. Op can't do this because she is quite clearly ill herself. Be it depression, other MH issues, whatever. No one of normal mind would be putting up with this., he has targetted her for this reason.

Sadly, how many mothers do you see in the news go to prison, because they allowed abuse by their partners to go unchallenged. Plenty. It's a sad thought, but I'd be very suprised if this wasn't real.

It's just so classic, the DD is right down there, the op was more concerned with the porn and if she could change/forgive that initially.

Best thing that could happen is the DD mentions it at school and SS gets involved. I don't think this op is anywhere near realising abuse is already happening, as he'd be gone. This is where organisations like SS, are needed badly.

allgonebellyup · 01/05/2011 19:40

Bluearrow - what is happening??

Bearslikehoneyintheirtummy · 01/05/2011 19:51

You need to get out of the situation if you believe your suspicions could be true. Has your DD said anything about it? Beleive me if you stay and this carries on, once your DD gets older she will hold it against you and it will ruin your relationship with her.
TBH I would not be happy letting a new partner (who is not her dad) in the bathroom at the same time as her and I am sure most guys would be wary of doing it too.

RoyalFucker · 02/05/2011 21:21

so, am back from weekend away

OP is staying with a sexual predator and abuser then, even though every single post on this thread has been utterly condemnatory about his actions ?

nice

< scrubs "threads Im on" >

Bearslikehoneyintheirtummy · 02/05/2011 21:55

Hope you had a good time RF! :)

RoyalFucker · 02/05/2011 22:46

oh thanks, bears, yes I did x

LindsayWagner · 03/05/2011 10:36

I thought the OP had said she was leaving?

busymummyboo · 03/05/2011 11:05

Leaving and left huge difference.

It's easy to say on screen leave etc and ignore the practicalities. But if for one minute there was a suspicion he was some sexual perv and the DD was at risk. Beastiality, voyeurism, bathroom exposure, etc.

There would be no practicalities, he'd be one and the police would have the pc, beastality is enough for that. Then op could really find out if her DD has been plastered over the WWW too.

The way the op speaks and communicates, is not one of someone who is going to leave, it's of someone who is probably going to go away and brush it under the carpet in all honesty.

That's why people have probably called it quits.

AnyFucker · 03/05/2011 18:12

OP...could you come back and update us please

we are worried for your daughter

TheOriginalFAB · 03/05/2011 18:50

I can't get the story out of my head of a man who met a woman with a little girl. All were happy. Man took woman's daughter to work with him and killed her then himself.

Bearslikehoneyintheirtummy · 03/05/2011 19:25

Have to agree with Garlic, Its not always that easy to just up and leave. We don't know if OP has been conditioned into thinking all is normal and ok. It can be very daunting and scary to find out something like this and to come to terms with it for it to become a reality. In so many situations we are so brainwashed into thinking in a certain way that until we hear what the outside 'real' world has to say about it,it can be easier to leave it be and convince yourself that it is normal. Not sure if I make sense?

GypsyMoth · 03/05/2011 19:28

fab,its more likely that a child would be killed at the hands of its OWN parents than a other adult!!

in fact,its quite common......some crap parents out there!

although,i have seen with my own eyes a murdered child,and that stays with me too.

AnyFucker · 03/05/2011 19:33

you make perfect sence, bears

no-one thinks it is "easy" to have strangers telling you that the person you chose to bring up your daughter with you is a sick pervert, after all

not your average everyday convo

it appears there are some extremely worrying signs here though, and OP would be very foolish and misguided to refuse to ackowledge them

these are the kinds of decisions, if made wrongly, will wreck someone's life, for ever

now if I had a choice between

  1. get shut of bloke who creeps me out (even if just an "innocent creep")

    make sure I protect my dd, even if I hurt an innocent bloke's feelings (he'll get over it, and may think twice in the future)

    resolve to find a better bloke who doesn't repeatedly make shitting a spectator sport for pre-pubescent kids

or

  1. choose to ignore warning signs and collude with possibly damaging my daughter for life

not much of a choice is it ?

Bearslikehoneyintheirtummy · 03/05/2011 20:18

I agree anyfucker totally, I think I was trying to look at it in a different light. Having said that I would hope she would have come back and accepted some of these opinions on here that have been given. I hope she can take some notice even if she is having problems accepting it. I have written posts on here when I havent had anyone else to tell and the opinions of other mums has helped me immensely.

AnyFucker · 03/05/2011 20:25

There isn't a "soft" or "easy" way to say it though, unfortunately

Al0uiseG · 03/05/2011 21:03

IloveTiffany you've seen a murdered child? :(

That has to be the most distressing sight ever.

GypsyMoth · 03/05/2011 23:43

it was. it was back in my police days. a murder which made national news. i was one of first officers on scene for it,i was left preserving scene until CID arrived.and when they got the murderer in (more or less knew who as he was known to police) i went to look at him in custody suite. as normal a man as any other. you'd never know to look at him that he'd been grooming young kids for years,keeping it low level....upping it slightly each time.

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