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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found DP on voyeur site....

150 replies

bluearrow · 28/04/2011 13:53

Have name-changed.
We've been together 5 yrs now;the first time I googled DP name and his nickname (he would use it as a user ID for most internet accounts) I found he had signed up for some porn/dating website. We had a long conversation and he promised not to do it again, however he didn't really explain why he had a need to sign up as the site was free. Since then I have found a few more bits of evidence that he is into some sick porn, which also he could not explain. Pls note-I'm not totally against porn if it s in moderation and certainly not hidden from me.
Now I googled his username again yesterday only to find that he is a member of voyeur forum since 2009; last activity summer 2010. I find it pretty disturbing and sick to be honest! He had used a false name for his account as well! The alarm bells are ringing as only a couple of weeks ago I noticed something strange. Every time our 7 yr old DD is having a bath he somehow suddenly needs the toilet (joined toilet/bathroom)- I asked him why he does that but he got all defensive and left the room. Making out as if I'm the one who's got sick mind. I just really hope there is no connection.

Not sure how to handle this, as we have had the "talks" before, I feel like I'm done talking....

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsNincompoop · 28/04/2011 22:02

Freudian, even if this is a hoax, you will have helped people. You will help some to see what they should do if such a situation were to arise, you help others to come to terms with what has happened to them or others they know. Please don't feel bad about writing about yourself, you should be proud. It is scary to expose yourself like that, but please know you will be helping others.

AbusedAsAChild · 28/04/2011 22:02

OP you need to get your DD out of there!

My mum started seeing a guy when I was 3yo moved in with him when I was 6yo he was already touching me before she moved him in, as soon as he moved in I was being raped (full intercourse to the end) every other night. I was made to feel not only that it was normal but that it was my fault.

I eventually got some courage to tell mum when I was about 10 I used language I'd heard from kids on the street though and said "dad has been shagging me" (I thought he was my dad at the time)

Her response I was smacked and grounded for swearing and lying!

I continued to be raped till I was 13yo, there was regularly blood found in my pants etc which was put down to me being accident prone and falling off bike etc, I tried kneeing him in the balls I got punched in the stomach

I tried having a friend over to stay thinking he wouldn't possibly come into my room if I had a sleepover, he did and tried it on with her she told him where to go and told one of my other friends.

Eventually I told my cousin who called police.

In spite of everything people at the time of the abuse would have described me as a daddy's girl, he made me sit on his knee all the time etc I HATED him.

Please OP get your little girl out of this otherwise she will be posting this in 20years time.
You need to put her safety and sanity first, you wouldn't sell her to a trafficker would you? Your loneliness is far too high a price!!

Please

carlywurly · 28/04/2011 22:03

Glad you're taking it seriously. Take the "sick porn" as a major flag.

Get some professional guidance on this, anonymously if you need to. Turning a blind eye would be the worst possible outcome here.

QuelleLeJeff · 28/04/2011 22:06

Heartbreaking thread.

OP - please sack this creepy fucker off today. You can use the utterly horrific porn as an 'excuse' if you want, but please don't take this risk a day longer.

Thornykate · 28/04/2011 22:14

OP what are you hoping to gain by talking with your partner tonight?

If you voice suspicions he will deny them & you may possibly just alert him that you are watching him which will make him even more sneaky.

carlywurly · 28/04/2011 22:20

I agree, it's not as though he's going to admit to anything. That would be signing his own arrest warrant.

Surely the fact that you've even got suspicions is enough to end this. If there's even a microscopic risk he's up to no good, it's just not a risk worth taking when you've got a vulnerable dd. You will never ever be able to leave her alone with him, you realise that?

Al0uiseG · 28/04/2011 22:21

Op I'm glad you came back, ThornyKate has a very valid point. He'll know that you're on to him, it'll give him a chance to clean up his computer and pretend that he's a normal guy.

He isn't, alarm bells are going off for all of us on this thread, not one poster thinks we're over reacting and you know that if his behaviour was anywhere near acceptable you wouldn't have posted about it.

You've had some sound advice from people who've very sadly been abused as children. Take their advice, don't listen to him.

Al0uiseG · 28/04/2011 22:22

While he's out call the police and give them his computer.

moonwakjer · 28/04/2011 22:23

OP You do need to investigate why your self esteem is so low that you are living with someone into this porn but first priority is your daughter. Maybe for now, your self-esteem is so low you can not see that you are not in a good relationship/ situation.

But you have posters who have suffered child abuse come on and post and tell you how it is, in no uncertain terms.

I wouldn't talk to your partner. Get some help first thing in the morning.

Get family/ friends over, involve a suitable charity to get this man out of your life.

If you ever feel that your resolve is weakening just read the posts by AbusedAsAChild and others.

Protect your daughter. Protect yourself. Don't hesitate.

PiaThreeTimes · 28/04/2011 22:24

I agree. Don't give him the heads-up. Call the police and hand them his computer.

FreudianSlipOnACrown · 29/04/2011 07:56

"If you voice suspicions he will deny them & you may possibly just alert him that you are watching him which will make him even more sneaky."

Totally agree, but I guess as it's morning now it's already happened.

TiraMissYou · 29/04/2011 09:15

Freudian, Abused - your posts are both heartbraking and inspiring in your stength and generosity to share your horrifying personal accounts. They give such credence to the rest of us who have had the gut reaction that this little girl is at risk although fortunate not to have first hand experience of this. I wish you both so much peace.

cantthinkofanamethatsnotinuse · 29/04/2011 09:48

arent you concerned by his reaction when you confronted him about his inappropriate toilet behaviour? I dont think that 'getting defensive and leaving the room' is the reaction of someone who is innocent. Most men would be completely mortified and confused and sorry their action could be interpreted this way etc etc. if it were me, I would leave you...if he were innocent, he wouldnt want to be in a relationship with someone who could think this of him surely?

LoopyLoopsNincompoop · 29/04/2011 10:49

Let us know how you are please.

Beckamaw · 29/04/2011 12:00

just picked up on this and agree wholeheartedly with others, just get him out!
Also picked up on your comment about him having a similar 'weird bathroom habit' from childhood. Well, that's where it came from I would imagine. He got his kicks as a child from watching his mother in the bathroom. Now it's 'his thing'.
He needs help. You need rid of him.

WMDinthekitchen · 29/04/2011 13:31

Aside from your doubts about his proclivities,hHaving to smell somone else's shit without having any say or choice in the matter is utterly demeaning for your daughter. Why would you find that acceptable? You may be afraid of being without a man but there seem to be so many serious issues with this one - especially those associated with your daughter.

TheOriginalFAB · 29/04/2011 13:45

bluearrow - how are you?

If a friend was using the toilet whenever your daughter was in the bath how would you feel?

I am aware of someone who had a father figure caring for them and he would enter the bathroom when she was bathing. A while later he abused her on several occasions.

You dd has to come first before your relationship. While she might be upset if you split she will be messed up for life if anything happens to her.

Original poster
bluearrow · 29/04/2011 14:00

Have spoken to him.
Used the porn as the main ?excuse?, as per your suggestions I gathered he would never confess to anything anyway. However I did raise concerns about my daughters mental well being if he is into all that sick stuff and she obviously is seeing him as a father figure and is picking up it. E.g. the openness about toilet business and other related things.
Have told him that the reoccurring porn issue is not acceptable for me, which he knew anyway, as we have had these conversations previously. Told him that if it has not stopped in the last 5 years then it never will; and that I am not prepared to be with someone who is finding it amusing, entertaining or whatever to secretly look at these things. I know there is no normal when it comes to sexual fantasies etc , however he had all the time in the world to talk to me about it.
No surprise, he acted as if he?d peed his pants; he claimed he does not remember signing up for the particular voyeur site nor he had any knowledge of its contents. He had no explanations or reasoning. Just that he is sorry. He also said he is awfully sorry about DD as he never thought about it ?in this way? and never thought it was an issue. (!) As some of you have picked up- it must come from his mother and he finds it normal.
Basically all the usual- ?sorry?, ?I will change?, ?this won?t happen again? etc. But I?m done. Now it?s the practical side of things that need sorting and I would lie if I said I?m not dreading it.
Fortunately he is at work today so I got time to collect my thoughts and pull myself together.

Freudian & Abused- thank you.

OP posts:
Thornykate · 29/04/2011 14:15

That must have been a difficult conversation for you but at least you hog it over with. Good on you.

Incidentally a lot of sex offenders actually use amnesia in their legal defences, I think this shows his deviance even more.

Hope you & your daughter have lots of RL support & please enjoy the peace of mind you will regain in knowing you have protected your daughter & yourself. Take care & good luck.

Thornykate · 29/04/2011 14:16

Got not hog, sorry it's the autocorrect!

Original poster
bluearrow · 29/04/2011 14:24

If anybody has any experience and advice regarding the practical side separation involves, or where to seek advice/support; it will be very much appreciated.

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsNincompoop · 29/04/2011 14:35

There are some people on here with exceptional advice for that kind of thing. WhenWillIFeelNormal springs to mind, as well as PeterAndreforPM. I'll do a search and ask them to advise, if you like?

Take care, and well done.

Thornykate · 29/04/2011 14:37

Take any monies that belong to you out of joint accounts, close joint credit accounts etc. The last thing you need is financial complications. Am sure someone wil advise you better than I soon, hope you are as ok as can be expected X

StatelyPoshBeartrothal · 29/04/2011 14:43

Well done, get out as soon as you can - please make sure your DD is never alone with this man

dittany · 29/04/2011 15:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.