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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found DP on voyeur site....

150 replies

bluearrow · 28/04/2011 13:53

Have name-changed.
We've been together 5 yrs now;the first time I googled DP name and his nickname (he would use it as a user ID for most internet accounts) I found he had signed up for some porn/dating website. We had a long conversation and he promised not to do it again, however he didn't really explain why he had a need to sign up as the site was free. Since then I have found a few more bits of evidence that he is into some sick porn, which also he could not explain. Pls note-I'm not totally against porn if it s in moderation and certainly not hidden from me.
Now I googled his username again yesterday only to find that he is a member of voyeur forum since 2009; last activity summer 2010. I find it pretty disturbing and sick to be honest! He had used a false name for his account as well! The alarm bells are ringing as only a couple of weeks ago I noticed something strange. Every time our 7 yr old DD is having a bath he somehow suddenly needs the toilet (joined toilet/bathroom)- I asked him why he does that but he got all defensive and left the room. Making out as if I'm the one who's got sick mind. I just really hope there is no connection.

Not sure how to handle this, as we have had the "talks" before, I feel like I'm done talking....

OP posts:
FreudianSlipOnACrown · 28/04/2011 19:35

"It's common for kids to express love for abusive adults so don't take that as a sign that all Is ok."

Very wise words there. I didn't even think of it. You are so right though. I adored my uncle, he was like the older brother I never had.

I miss him. How fucked up is that.

LoopyLoopsNincompoop · 28/04/2011 19:35

Please don't let these brutal yet honest replies stop you from accessing the support you need to leave this man.

The porn would be more than enough for me to leave him, but even the slightest suspicion about your daughter needs to be acted upon immediately.

Please think about this and do something today.

FreudianSlipOnACrown · 28/04/2011 19:41

"Every time she was in the bath I was near and could actually hear DP telling her to turn away while he does his business."

"If he's asking her to turn away when she's in the bath, I'd wonder what he's afraid of her watching him do."

Me too Pia.

carlywurly · 28/04/2011 19:41

I so hope this isn't real, although I'd worry about the mental health of anyone making this up.

If it is, get your dd the fuck out of there. You just can't protect her all the time, and tbh you're already failing her by allowing the bathroom thing.

DP's sister was systematically abused by her step father for 8 years starting when she was 10. He threatened to kill DP and her mother if she ever told. It all happened while her mum was at work and DP was at after school activities.

DP's mum will carry the guilt forever. She didn't have alarm bells, you do. Act on them.

TiraMissYou · 28/04/2011 20:06

Jesus christ OP.
Listen to what you're being told here.
Do you seriously want someone who gets off on the torture and humiliation of others as the father figure in your daughter's life?
Really?

sarah166 · 28/04/2011 20:14

The more I think about this, the more I hope it is just a sick hoax.

LoopyLoopsNincompoop · 28/04/2011 20:14

Please OP.

It must be really hard to read all this, if you want to contact me (or anyone else probably) by PM so it's less public, we all want the same thing and will support you. Your daughter is in danger. Please please please make sure you do everything in your power to ensure her safety. Nothing is worth that sacrifice.

Please. :(

FabbyChic · 28/04/2011 20:17

Sorry but a grown man could wait to go to the toilet!

There is no immediate need, he could wait just the same as you probably do not use the toilet when your daughter is in the bath.

I would imagine he has a new nickname for his sites now that you have him rumbled, Im certain no man is stupid enough once caught to use the same nickname twice!

He has an unhealthy interest in your daughter needing to pee whilst she is in the bath, and not just once, the fact that you have noticed it means it is far too often.

Get the fuck out or kick him out.

ChristinedePizan · 28/04/2011 20:24

Fabby - he's not peeing, he's taking a dump.

OP - I know my last post was really harsh. I was trying to shock you into action. A man who regularly watches sadistic porn is not a suitable stepfather, regardless of the bathroom stuff. He's not a suitable partner either and I worry about why you thought his porn habit was tolerable until you noticed that he always went into the bathroom when your DD was having a bath.

RumourOfAHurricane · 28/04/2011 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

FreudianSlipOnACrown · 28/04/2011 21:08

Some people really are shine. (see post at 19:05:09)

FabbyChic · 28/04/2011 21:11

OMG that is even worse Christine. He could wait, how disgusting shitting whilst someone is in the bath, that is so gross, does he have no manners.

ChristinedePizan · 28/04/2011 21:17

Freudian - so sorry about what happened to you. :( One of my friends was also abused by a family member and she got a similar reaction from her mum when she finally plucked up courage to tell her. People don't want to see something that is so unimaginably awful.

It's so weird I think it probably is real. But I think I've scared the OP off by being so hard on her :(

EricNorthmansMistress · 28/04/2011 21:18

I can hardly believe this is real. But you know what this reminds me of OP? Someone on here linked to a statement by a Thai sex worker about the things she was made to do. One man made her fellate him while he was having a shit. I immediately thought of this. Nobody thinks it's ok to have a shit in front of a 7 year old child! I can possibly imagine a situation with a younger DC, in public toilet or something, where it might be unavoidable, but you wouldn't need to share a cubicle with a 7yo. Can you imagine being a little 7yo and being powerless to stop a grown man coming in to the bath, where you are naked, and taking a dump? That's horrifying.

Not even mentioning the fact that he is into sadistic, cruel porn. That would be enough for me. I don't object to the concept of porn, nor am I completely vanilla - but a man who is sexually aroused by images of cruelty, animal abuse, degradation, rape or child abuse is going nowhere near my child.

Al0uiseG · 28/04/2011 21:20

EricNorthmansMistress I thought of that thread too :(

FabbyChic · 28/04/2011 21:20

If a man wanted to do a shit whilst I was in the bath he would be out the fucking door. Let alone in front of a 7 year old girl. That is totally not acceptable.

He sounds like some kind of pervert, oh sorry forgot he is!

Diggs · 28/04/2011 21:22

If this is real , and i hope its not , there is some well documented research that suggests a strong link between beastiality and child abuse .

therealmrsbeckham · 28/04/2011 21:38

Fucking hell I hope that this isn't real. If it is FFS OP wake up and hear what people are telling you.

THIS MAN IS A DANGER TO YOUR CHILD!!!!! GET HER OUT OF THIS SITUATION NOW

If you do nothing you are as sick as him.

FreudianSlipOnACrown · 28/04/2011 21:41

I hope the OP is taking in all this advice. I am admittedly biased due to my own experience but it worries me that she's even beginning to defend him. I hope it doesn't take an allegation from your DD to make you believe what's happening.

Parents are supposed to look after their children. Sorry to keep waffling about my own stuff - just whirring round my head since this thread started so need to offload. Basically when I told of the abuse and the police/SS came round, mum cried and told them what an awful childhood her brother had suffered (missing school due to illness and a parental divorce... Yeah that excuses it Hmm). I just sat there listening to mum defend him.

I was offered the chance to prosecute - mum begged me not to because he'd never cope in prison. So I didn't. I convinced myself that it wasn't worth it anyway because of the years that had passed.

My parents adore me and always have. So quite why they let me down like this I will never understand. It isn't something parents are supposed to do. Why didn't they fight for me? Either then, when they had a 'vague idea' something was wrong, or when I finally told? The abuse doesn't bother me now, not one bit. One pathetic little shit using his niece because he couldn't get a girlfriend. But my parents, and the way they completely failed me, it still hurts and confuses me.

This may well be a hoax in which case I'm making a spectacular fool of myself here, but I am imagining your poor little girl feeling like this in a few years, OP. Please don't let that happen.

CinnabarRed · 28/04/2011 21:49

Freudian - you're not making a fool of yourself at all. I've been enormously touched by what you've written, and I'm sure others have too.

But perhaps it's not a great idea to go into any more details?

Original poster
bluearrow · 28/04/2011 21:58

This is real.

I knew there will be harsh responses before I posted and believe me, i am taking everything in. I am not deluded and am not turning a blind eye to a possible child abuse here. As I said in my previous post DP has always been quite open regarding toilet privacy etc which is why I was not concerned. Not that I ever supported it, as I am a total opposite (toilet door always shut etc) . but as you can imagine the more you spend time with someone the more you get used to their weirdness. Therefore I?ve become sort of numb to his toilet jokes, him leaving the toilet door open and similar. I just never thought there could be more to it.

I spoke to DD this evening as she was having her bath and she did say she finds it disgusting when DP has a shit while she is in bath. I did not ask directly but she has not seen his genitals or anything. I asked some other questions in regards to this subject and she has no idea what mans genitals even look like! Of course none of this is a justification to DP sick actions.

I texted him not to rush home from work as we need to talk and I want to make sure DD is sound asleep. He?s still not back.

OP posts:
HorseWhisperer · 28/04/2011 22:00

Freudian - I am so sorry that this happened to you and I hope the OP 'hears' what you are saying.

Bluearrow, PLEASE, PLEASE do as posters here have suggested, get your daughter out of this situation. Yes, some of posts do read harsh but I think they need to be as you seem totally oblivious to how shockingly bad your DP's behaviour is. My DH would never come in while I was in the bath and defecate and he would rather crap his pants than do it when the bath was occupied by any of our DC.

It is wrong, wrong, wrong.
Don't hesitate, there is nothing to think about.
Trust your instincts and help your daughter.
She cannot protect herself, you are her mother, it is your job.
Do not be one of those women who cares more about keeping her man than protecting her daughter.

FabbyChic · 28/04/2011 22:00

Please listen to your daughter, she does not want your partner shitting in the toilet when she is in the bath and you should not allow it.

She doesn't like it so stop it and stop it now, he can fucking wait.

FabbyChic · 28/04/2011 22:00

Where is her natural father because if I was him I'd be having words with your partner. And they would not be nice ones.

DontdoitKatie · 28/04/2011 22:01

Even if you go into total denial about what could be going on with your dd.

Bestiality?

Voyeurism?

What sort of a relationship can you have with someone who is into those things?